Tag Archives: stock market

  our flourishing economy

LOOK AMERICA, WE GAVE CITIBANK A PROFIT! It’s sexytime on Wall Street today, and around the world! That’s right, a Global Stock Rally. Citigroup jumped a whole 30 percent and is now worth 1.3 shits. You know why? Because they announced that they’re having the best profit outlook for any quarter in years! HMM… we have a sinking suspicion that some fuddledeedum went into that balance sheet, but meh, everyone’s rich again. BUY A HOUSE. [Bloomberg] Read more on …
  our flourishing economy

Your Dow Jones Falls Many Points After Investors Discover Some ‘Recession’ Thing

The Dow Jones fell 679 points today, since it’s been a full six days since Paulson last introduced a new multi-hundred billion dollar loan or loan guarantee program, and everyone on Wall Street is a child: “The day’s news reminded investors, who last week were buying on a burst of optimism, that the economy is still in serious trouble. And at midday, Wall Street had confirmation of what everyone has suspected for months, that the nation is indeed in a recession.” They just wanted to be sure, for the 80th time, that the economy was indeed contracting, and then it was SELL SELL SELL. Read more on Your Dow Jones Falls Many Points After Investors Discover Some ‘Recession’ Thing…
  your assets

GEORGE W. BUSH SAVES STOCK MARKET: The Dow only dropped 128 points today, which is the New Great Depression equivalent of rising 250 trillion points. Credit is still completely inaccessible, permanently, but what the hell do you people want anyway. [AP] Read more on …
  so long wealth!

Watching The Dow Free-Fall Is Too Much Fun

Dudes, our noses are bleeding and the sky is on fire because GOOD LORD, refreshing the Dow every four seconds as it’s free-falling is like SMOKING CRACK. This is astonishing. Whoa! There go another 30 points! HA HA HA HA HA WHEEE. [Yahoo! Finance] Read more on Watching The Dow Free-Fall Is Too Much Fun…
 

WP Not Sure How Much You Should be Panicking Right Now

It’s nice of the Washington Post to, directly under their article insisting that Fed chief Ben Bernanke calmed Wall Street (subhead: “Bernanke Upbeat As Stocks Rebound”), link to the Milbank column that points out how Ben Bernanke didn’t really say much of anything. Saves us the trouble. Read more on WP Not Sure How Much You Should be Panicking Right Now…
 

Black Tuesday to Ensure Third Bush Term

The stock market withered and died today after news of Dick Cheney’s survival at the hands of a suicide bomber. This prompts Hotline to ask: What happens to the presidential race if there’s a recession? The answer is complicated. Read more on Black Tuesday to Ensure Third Bush Term…