Tag Archives: stock market

  duh

You’re Off The Hook, China. Pat Robertson Says Stock Markets Crashing Because Of Abortion

God's financial analyst.
God’s financial analyst. Just like all U.S. Americans, Pat Robertson woke up Monday morning to news that the stock market is kinda batshit right now. It’s plunging! Then rallying, kind of! Then dipping again! By the time you read this, only Jesus knows what it’ll be doing, which is why Grandpa Pat takes comfort in What A Friend He Has In Jesus. Now, you might have gotten on the internet and Googled, “Why the hell is the stock market being bad?” And you might have found articles like this here thingamajig explainer in Slate, which says China’s stock market and currency are tanking and taking the rest of the world with them. And if you’re a common godless liberal, you believe it, like A Idiot. Read more on You’re Off The Hook, China. Pat Robertson Says Stock Markets Crashing Because Of Abortion…
  Let's laugh at John Boehner's tears

John Boehner Pines For Good Old Days Of Great Recession

Is this mean? It might be a little mean. Then again, John Boehner is mean.
Did you know it has been six years since President Obama murdered the American economy with his bare hands and some so-called “stimulus” spending? This is a true fact, according to Speaker John Boehner, who is crying — more than usual — about how the president’s unlawful Marxist Big Government spending ruined everything: Read more on John Boehner Pines For Good Old Days Of Great Recession…
  Stocks and Bondage And Discipline

Wingnut Group Wants To Impeach Obama For Wrecking Stock Market, Dow Hits New Record

Timing is everything. And if you’re the wingnut publication Capitol Hill Daily, which we’ve never heard of before, you could probably pick a better day than yesterday — when the Dow Jones averaged closed at over 15,000 for the first time ever — to have issued a call for the impeachment of President Obama because of how terrible he’s been for the stock market. Think Progress notes that an email from Capitol Hill Daily went out on Citizen’s United’s listserve, accusing Obama of ruining everything for the super-rich on a day when their portfolios were actually doing quite well, thank you very much. Read more on Wingnut Group Wants To Impeach Obama For Wrecking Stock Market, Dow Hits New Record…
  let them eat stock

Let CNBC Discuss What’s Important About Citi’s 4,000 Layoffs: Stock Prices!

Oh goody, Citibank laid off almost 5% of their workforce RIGHT BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS, and this of course invites serious analysis about a variety of important topics. Like: what will these people and their families do vis a vis jobs? What about the fact that taxpayers bailed out Citi to the tune of $45 billion — does this create a sort of a social contract between Citi and the taxpayers and did Citi break it by laying these people off right before the holidays? What about the fact that recently-departed CEO Vikram Pandit took home over $200 million over the course of his five years at this company — was that appropriate in retrospect, considering that Citi is now engaging in massive layoffs, and if it’s not, what steps should Citi take to ensure that executive pay packages are reasonable? Except NONE of these topics were explored on CNBC, who devoted their Citi segment to discussing What This Means for the shareholders and for the market, which appeared to be pleased by Citi’s human sacrifice. Read more on Let CNBC Discuss What’s Important About Citi’s 4,000 Layoffs: Stock Prices!…
  blowvember

A Children’s Treasury Of Things In New SEC Lawsuit That Are More Hilarious Than Its Sex Triangle

Oh goody, another day, another set of government officials involved in a sex scandal. Rolling Stone brings us the ewww tale of SEC Inspector General David Kotz (ALLEGEDLY) boning every lawyer (like this pretty lady) with business before the agency, as well as his successor, Noelle Maloney, who then refused to meet with said lawyers because “DAVID WAS FUCKING THAT LADY!” Until we see pix, it’s no Broadwell-Kelley Tampa Tap-Out. So what else is in this 77 page whistleblower complaint, you might be wondering? Is it all seks and lies and intrigue? Well, sure there is some! But more hilarious are the accusations of gross malfeasance and incompetence, the likes of which (if true) may be egregious enough to compromise the functioning of Stock Exchange itself (to the degree that it functions right now, of course). No big deal though! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Things In New SEC Lawsuit That Are More Hilarious Than Its Sex Triangle…
  hacks

Stocks Rally Due To Romney Win 100 Days In Future, CNBC Declares With Straight Face

The stock market. What is it? It is a collection, or “cooperative,” of people who throw bits of paper in the air and scream their faces off. If you are rich, it gives you muneez. If you are poor, it gives your boss muneez. When the stock market goes down, that is because everyone hates the president, but when it goes up, that is because everyone hates the president. If anything, it just makes too much sense! Let us ask CNBC to explain why a stock market surge is due to investors betting on a Romney win, despite the fact that Mitt Romney is not, in fact, actually winning. Read more on Stocks Rally Due To Romney Win 100 Days In Future, CNBC Declares With Straight Face…
  wonkette business daily

Etch A Sketch Company’s Stock Price Triples After Political Guy Says ‘Etch A Sketch’ on TV

When Romney aide Eric Fehrnstrom said something about Etch A Sketches on CNN yesterday, America’s children all immediately ran to the toy store to pick up their copies, because nothing moves consumer retail spending in the children’s toy market quite like a Mitt Romney aide making an unfortunate metaphor on morning cable television. And stock traders, whose job is just to make reactive whimsical trades after every mealy-mouthed central bank and cable news idiot statement within ten minutes, were quick to get in on the action: Ohio Arts, the company that makes Etch A Sketches in China, saw its stock price more than triple. Everyone’s rich again, forever! Read more on Etch A Sketch Company’s Stock Price Triples After Political Guy Says ‘Etch A Sketch’ on TV…
  decline & fall

Experts: Decline of U.S. ‘Adds To View of Waning U.S. Power’

Happy 520-point Dow Jones Industrial Index Plunge Day, everybody! (No, this is not a repeat from Friday or Monday, but it is the opposite of Tuesday.) How might perceptions of the United States change now that the United States is a morally/financially bankrupt land of angry slobs who just had their Hoverounds repo’d by John Boehner? Reuters has the surprising (obvious) answer: Read more on Experts: Decline of U.S. ‘Adds To View of Waning U.S. Power’…
  actual global market collapse

Uhh, Financial Collapse/World Recession II?

We mentioned earlier this morning that there are some troubles in the world economy — and that includes us, in the America part of Earth. Well, uhh, it’s really awful. Remember that 1,000-point drop in the Dow blamed on robots or astrology or whatever? Ha ha well now there’s a 1,000-point drop for real, it just took a few weeks. On April 26, the DJIA was at 11,239. Today, right now, were at 10,212. The S&P and NASDAQ and Nikkei and Oil and the U.S. Dollar and Platinum and even Ron/Rand Paul’s GOLD is down (but just a quarter-percent, compared to nearly 2% this morning on the major U.S. markets). How does this affect “Main Street,” you ask? Main Street is boarded up and closed down. Unemployment is, somehow, even higher now than it was three months ago. Read more on Uhh, Financial Collapse/World Recession II?…
  *one trillion dollars*

Now It Is These Money Robots, These Were The Money Robots That Did It!

The first explanation for last week’s 15-minute collapse of the entire global economy was that some Citigroup trader pressed “b” instead of “m.” That was too comical to be true. Then people assumed it was some big Wall Street hedge fund screwing around with high-frequency trading. That was too predictably evil to be true. Now people are looking at some idiot firm in Kansas losing control of its robots: “A big mystery seller of futures contracts during the market meltdown last week was not a hedge fund or a high-frequency trader as many have suspected, but money manager Waddell & Reed Financial Inc, according to a document obtained by Reuters.” Read more on Now It Is These Money Robots, These Were The Money Robots That Did It!…
  it's morning in america

If By ‘Cocky’ You Mean ‘Obsessed With Cock,’ Then Too Late

Former New York State Senate Leader Joseph Bruno, who was exactly half the reason why New York State government was such an amusement park of dysfunction (the other half being Assembly Leader Sheldon Silver), has been convicted of a crime, hooray! Two crimes, actually, involving doing paid “consultant” work for some dude who also wanted to get government contracts, and who also paid Bruno $40,000 for a worthless horse(!). But will John Roberts set this monster free to walk the streets again? Read more on If By ‘Cocky’ You Mean ‘Obsessed With Cock,’ Then Too Late… Read more on If By ‘Cocky’ You Mean ‘Obsessed With Cock,’ Then Too Late…
  goddamnit

Here’s Trillions Of Dollars Of Wealth Bouncing Around In One Minute, Depending On What The Teevee Says

There should be a Network-esque black comedy about this very moment on CNBC, immediately. The three-keys-wide fat finger of one monster at Citigroup sells off billions of shares of Procter & Gamble — part of the Dow index — just as Erin Burnett is deciding to talk about it, and then Jim Cramer says basically “oh shit someone should buy that,” and within 30 seconds we probably have a dozen or so newly-minted billionaires, but still no more “Europe” or jobs in general. [Business Insider] Read more on Here’s Trillions Of Dollars Of Wealth Bouncing Around In One Minute, Depending On What The Teevee Says…
  death & sadness

GLOBAL FINANCIAL SYSTEM OPERATING SMOOTHLY: Remember how the Dow dropped 700 points in fifteen minutes between 2 and 3 p.m. today, and then got back 500 of those points a few minutes later? Some dingbat computer went nuts or whatever: “NEW YORK (Reuters) – A trading error at a major firm was to blame for the day’s market plunge, CNBC reported on Thursday. Separately, Nasdaq said it was working with other major markets to review the market activity that occurred between 2:00 p.m. and 3:00 p.m.” Ha ha, yes, “trading error.” GREATEST SHORT SELL IN HISTORY! Everyone in America wins. UPDATE: Oh my god. Is this really allowed to happen? “According to multiple sources, a trader entered a ‘b’ for billion instead of an ‘m’ for million in a trade possibly involving Procter & Gamble, a component in the Dow.” He works for Citigroup. [Reuters] Read more on …
  there's still time!

Famous Failure To Run George W. Bush’s Think Tank

“WASHINGTON – Former President George W. Bush took a step closer Thursday to establishing an ‘action-oriented think tank’ alongside his future presidential library by naming James K. Glassman, the longtime journalist and former administration official, as its founding executive director.” This post is complete. [NYT via Matt Yglesias] Read more on Famous Failure To Run George W. Bush’s Think Tank…
  our flourishing economy

IT’S LIKE A RECOVERY, BUT WITH NO EQUITY, SAVINGS, CONSUMER SPENDING, JOBS, RETIREMENT ACCOUNTS, INNOVATION, STRONG CURRENCY, AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE, BASIC SHELTER, OR LONG-TERM PROSPECTS FOR A COMPETITIVE MODERN ECONOMY: “The housing market continues to threaten signs of an economic recovery, with new data released on Thursday showing an all-time high of Americans falling behind on loan payments and the rate of home foreclosures unlikely to peak until late in 2010.” But the stock markets are up! Everyone in America owns bundles of good stocks, right? Right?? [The Hill] Read more on …