stock market
Let CNBC Discuss What’s Important About Citi’s 4,000 Layoffs: Stock Prices!
Oh goody, Citibank laid off almost 5% of their workforce RIGHT BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS, and this of course invites serious analysis about a variety of important topics. Like: what will these people and their families do vis a vis jobs? What about the fact that taxpayers bailed out Citi to the tune of $45 billion [...]
A Children’s Treasury Of Things In New SEC Lawsuit That Are More Hilarious Than Its Sex Triangle
Oh goody, another day, another set of government officials involved in a sex scandal. Rolling Stone brings us the ewww tale of SEC Inspector General David Kotz (ALLEGEDLY) boning every lawyer (like this pretty lady) with business before the agency, as well as his successor, Noelle Maloney, who then refused to meet with said lawyers because [...]
Watch Tea Party Godfather Rick Santelli Blubber About the Jobs Report Conspiracy
Stocks Rally Due To Romney Win 100 Days In Future, CNBC Declares With Straight Face
The stock market. What is it? It is a collection, or “cooperative,” of people who throw bits of paper in the air and scream their faces off. If you are rich, it gives you muneez. If you are poor, it gives your boss muneez. When the stock market goes down, that is because everyone hates [...]
Etch A Sketch Company’s Stock Price Triples After Political Guy Says ‘Etch A Sketch’ on TV
When Romney aide Eric Fehrnstrom said something about Etch A Sketches on CNN yesterday, America’s children all immediately ran to the toy store to pick up their copies, because nothing moves consumer retail spending in the children’s toy market quite like a Mitt Romney aide making an unfortunate metaphor on morning cable television. And stock [...]
Experts: Decline of U.S. ‘Adds To View of Waning U.S. Power’
Happy 520-point Dow Jones Industrial Index Plunge Day, everybody! (No, this is not a repeat from Friday or Monday, but it is the opposite of Tuesday.) How might perceptions of the United States change now that the United States is a morally/financially bankrupt land of angry slobs who just had their Hoverounds repo’d by John [...]
Uhh, Financial Collapse/World Recession II?
We mentioned earlier this morning that there are some troubles in the world economy — and that includes us, in the America part of Earth. Well, uhh, it’s really awful. Remember that 1,000-point drop in the Dow blamed on robots or astrology or whatever? Ha ha well now there’s a 1,000-point drop for real, it [...]
Now It Is These Money Robots, These Were The Money Robots That Did It!
The first explanation for last week’s 15-minute collapse of the entire global economy was that some Citigroup trader pressed “b” instead of “m.” That was too comical to be true. Then people assumed it was some big Wall Street hedge fund screwing around with high-frequency trading. That was too predictably evil to be true. Now [...]
If By ‘Cocky’ You Mean ‘Obsessed With Cock,’ Then Too Late
Former New York State Senate Leader Joseph Bruno, who was exactly half the reason why New York State government was such an amusement park of dysfunction (the other half being Assembly Leader Sheldon Silver), has been convicted of a crime, hooray! Two crimes, actually, involving doing paid “consultant” work for some dude who also wanted [...]
Here’s Trillions Of Dollars Of Wealth Bouncing Around In One Minute, Depending On What The Teevee Says
There should be a Network-esque black comedy about this very moment on CNBC, immediately. The three-keys-wide fat finger of one monster at Citigroup sells off billions of shares of Procter & Gamble — part of the Dow index — just as Erin Burnett is deciding to talk about it, and then Jim Cramer says basically [...]
GLOBAL FINANCIAL SYSTEM OPERATING SMOOTHLY: Remember how the Dow dropped 700 points in fifteen minutes between 2 and 3 p.m. today, and then got back 500 of those points a few minutes later? Some dingbat computer went nuts or whatever: “NEW YORK (Reuters) – A trading error at a major firm was to blame for [...]
Famous Failure To Run George W. Bush’s Think Tank
“WASHINGTON – Former President George W. Bush took a step closer Thursday to establishing an ‘action-oriented think tank’ alongside his future presidential library by naming James K. Glassman, the longtime journalist and former administration official, as its founding executive director.” This post is complete. [NYT via Matt Yglesias]
IT’S LIKE A RECOVERY, BUT WITH NO EQUITY, SAVINGS, CONSUMER SPENDING, JOBS, RETIREMENT ACCOUNTS, INNOVATION, STRONG CURRENCY, AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE, BASIC SHELTER, OR LONG-TERM PROSPECTS FOR A COMPETITIVE MODERN ECONOMY: “The housing market continues to threaten signs of an economic recovery, with new data released on Thursday showing an all-time high of Americans falling behind [...]
LOOK AMERICA, WE GAVE CITIBANK A PROFIT! It’s sexytime on Wall Street today, and around the world! That’s right, a Global Stock Rally. Citigroup jumped a whole 30 percent and is now worth 1.3 shits. You know why? Because they announced that they’re having the best profit outlook for any quarter in years! HMM… we [...]
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