Tag Archives: stimulus

  hopey is impatient

Obama Reportedly Sends Bitchy Letter To Dumb South Carolina Gov

Steadfast idiot and South Carolinian real estate speculator Mark Sanford keeps bugging the president about how he wants to use federal stimulus funds to pay down the state debt, which would not stimulate the economy at all. Now we hear that “Obama has, in fact, sent Sanford a very blunt, personal letter” explaining to him what an idiot he is. Come on, Palmetto Scoop! WE WANT ZE TASTY LETTR PLS. [Palmetto Scoop] Read more on Obama Reportedly Sends Bitchy Letter To Dumb South Carolina Gov…
  employment news

Eager Obamatards Waiting Patiently For Jobs They Won’t Get

Right after President Obama was elected, the entire universe of unemployed people and soon-to-be unemployed people rushed to whatever that website was, with the jobs. Hundreds of thousands of people applied for basically a handful of Administration jobs, and now they are all waiting around in DC coffee shops for official word of their rejection. Read more on Eager Obamatards Waiting Patiently For Jobs They Won’t Get…
  not invited

WHY DOES JOE BIDEN HATE IDAHO SO MUCH? “Vice President Biden hosted officials from every state but Idaho for a conference today designed to serve as a workshop and warning on how they should use their billions of dollars from the stimulus package.” Is Idaho not receiving any stimulus money, or are they boycotting Pork President Biden’s Porkulous Guide to Porkery? Suspicious. [Washington Post] Read more on …
  martyrs

Tim Geithner Suffers Through Late-Night Meeting With Angry Democrats

Eek, would you want to be locked in a room getting yelled at by Henry Waxman for hours and hours? Because that is how Tim Geithner got to spend his Monday night, hooray! He has the worst job in America, worse even than those people who clean up murder scenes or give Rush Limbaugh enemas. Read more on Tim Geithner Suffers Through Late-Night Meeting With Angry Democrats…
  starbursts

Eric Cantor Gets Boner When Obama Talks To Him

Here’s your Loyal Opposition, Republican Eric Cantor, just gushing when Obama sort of says, “What is up, Eric.” So, GOP, blushing baby Cantor is your pick to go to WAR with Barack Obama? Jesus fucking christ, maybe next time send somebody who doesn’t swoon when Mr. President looks his way. [YouTube] Read more on Eric Cantor Gets Boner When Obama Talks To Him…
  kicking ass and taking names

Here’s Your Obama Saving the Economy (Don’t Look At Business News Tonight!)

Oh boy the stimulation is signed, in Denver — no birth certificate necessary there! — and here’s your Barack Obama all pissed off at Washington because, duh, Washington is (for the moment) in large part defined by a handful of advertising filler known as “pundits” and “Richard Cohen” and “The Politico,” all of which are basically Dick Cheney x 1,000,000. Meanwhile, over in that ghost town previously known as “Wall Street,” everybody’s all crying because Obama isn’t doing MORE to save their doomed sectors. Close ‘em down! [TeeVee] Read more on Here’s Your Obama Saving the Economy (Don’t Look At Business News Tonight!)…
  love this woman

Michele Bachmann Worried About Lack Of Rich People In America

Last time we checked in on notorious idiot wingnut Rep. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota, she was almost losing her safe House seat after proposing Witch Trials for every Democratic member of Congress, because of socialism. She squeaked by, though, and thank God, because she’s funny. With the SOCIALISM WITCH TRIAL SCANDAL finally out of the way, she’s speaking freely again. Read more on Michele Bachmann Worried About Lack Of Rich People In America…
  gift ideas

Happy American Recovery and Reinvestment Act Day!

Were you unable to afford a gift for your special someone in honor of that other holiday today, Valentine’s Day? With all the new stimulus money suddenly bouncing around, the lack of funds is no longer a viable cover for forgetfulness. Luckily, DC’s street vendors are more than happy to help. You can pick up your last-minute roses, pink bears, and, um, Obama pins outside any metro stop, all day! Read more on Happy American Recovery and Reinvestment Act Day!…
  new new new deal

GO TO BED, AMERICA, YOU’RE RICH AGAIN! The Senate passed the Stimulation 60-38, and the House passed it too, the end. [Washington Post]
  beat the clock

U.S. Economic Future Awaiting Flight From Ohio

The House passed the watered-down Stimulus Bill! With no Republican votes, obviously — they don’t want to get in trouble with their drug-addict talk-radio boss, what’s his name, Mr. Vulgarian. And now the Senate is voting, hooray! They’ve got 59 of the filibuster-proof 60 votes needed, so it’s all down to one guy, from Ohio. If and when he shows up for work …. Read more on U.S. Economic Future Awaiting Flight From Ohio…
  america's greatest pundits

David Brooks Writes Terrifying History Of Obama’s America

Watch out, America, because David Brooks has written another one of his famous “theme” columns, in which he takes on a gimmick — like pretending to be Kierkegaard, or a doctor researching some new Obama disease, or a cartoon Asian Buddhist Negro being attacked by the Internet — and proceeds to embarrass himself for hundreds of words. Today he pretends to be a historian, or maybe just a Wikipedia writer, composing a brief summary of how during the Obama years, the majority party took a so-so economy, ran up the budget and made so many bad decisions that the American people started distrusting the government and other institutions of power completely. Just to repeat, he says this is what the future will look like. Read more on David Brooks Writes Terrifying History Of Obama’s America…
  hellscapes

Barack Obama Lets Tim Kaine Stand On Presidential Astroturf

Here’s your boyfriend Barack Obama with Virginia schlub Tim Kaine, on location for their cameo appearance in the film adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. Keep those artsy White House pictures coming, Pete Souza! [White House] Read more on Barack Obama Lets Tim Kaine Stand On Presidential Astroturf…
  that didn't take long

Stimulus Bill Saves Economy!

Well hooray for those people, the ones in the Senate and House who agreed on this $790 billion thrifty stimulation bill, because it’s already working! Battered and confused Consumers began retroactively buying shit again in January. Change is here! (The Dow’s already down another 150 points.) [CNN/Bloomberg] Read more on Stimulus Bill Saves Economy!…
  day traders

Economic Rescue Causes Market Collapse

Tim “TurboTax” Geithner revealed his magic plan to save the economy and the banks and the Toxic Assets, and the Senate approved the Stimulated Package, and … the markets collapsed! Again. The Dow plunged 340+ points, which is basically what happens every time the government makes some big move to try to stop the collapse, going back to October 2007, when all this shit began to spill. What, exactly, are these traders expecting? Read more on Economic Rescue Causes Market Collapse…
  video professor

Liveblogging the Cable News Clowns Talking About Obama’s Lecture

Eh, this is not quite as much fun as, say, OBAMA IN A FOOTBALL STADIUM, with Stevie Wonder. But you don’t fight the Depression with the media you want, etc. BUT: How weird to have a president who can discuss things in an intelligent way. Let’s see how that works out, in this goddamned country. We did the pre-game liveblogging, we did the Obama Speech liveblogging, we did the Obama press conference liveblogging. And now? We will do a bit of this post-game analysis, with the Hardball and whatever. Read more on Liveblogging the Cable News Clowns Talking About Obama’s Lecture…
  a stern lecture from professor obama

Liveblogging Barack Obama Patiently Answering Press Questions For 45 Minutes

Well, America, this is what you get when you elect a COLLEGE PROFESSOR for president: a person who actually responds to questions, in occasionally exhaustive detail, with topic sentences and conclusions. Kinda weird, huh? But just wait till he finishes up and tries to leave the room through a locked door, and pulls a crazy goofy face and trots over to an unlocked door. Then you will remember what it’s like to have the other kind of president. Read more on Liveblogging Barack Obama Patiently Answering Press Questions For 45 Minutes…
  blogside chats

Barack Obama’s Depression Variety Show Starts Now!

The way this Barack Obama character is always on the teevee, you’d think we live in a country of sadsack losers who plop down in front of the teevee the moment they get home from the unemployment office. And you would be right! So, fancy Internet and Facebook and whatever to get the money, from the elites, and then prime-time propaganda to win over the other 270 million Americans. Let’s do pre-game coverage, now! Read more on Barack Obama’s Depression Variety Show Starts Now!…
  programming announcement

STIMULATION: We will be Liveblogging the Obama Stimulus program on the teevee, tonight, starting at 7:30 p.m. Eastern. Do not forget to buy guns and liquor on the way home. See you then, money lovers! Read more on …
  hedonism

Did You Have An Awesome Stimulus Party This Weekend, America?

Hey Obamatards, how were your stimulus parties on Saturday night? Did you totally exhaust your six-month supply of cocaine and waste your overdue rent money on lap dances? Were any cars flipped over or burned? How many times did the police have to knock on your door before you were arrested? If you answered “No,” “None,” and “Zero,” then congratulations, you failed to revive the American economy like Barack Obama asked you to, and the Depression is totally your fault. Read more on Did You Have An Awesome Stimulus Party This Weekend, America?…
  dear goblin

McCain Pathetically Trying To Be Republican Again

John McCain woke from an Ambien stupor this morning and remembered, vaguely, that he also had an email list. Hmm, that ice witch Sarah Palin might have all the wingnut love these days — because she guaranteed a massive loss for the GOP ticket, making martyrs out of the Free Republic/Rush Limbaugh dumb mob (again) — but dagnabbit, War Hero McCain won’t just sit there in his La-Z-Boy. He will make his staff send an email, too. Read more on McCain Pathetically Trying To Be Republican Again…
  they are all liars

Paul Krugman’s Angry Screed About Stimulus Haters

All the libtards who watched Paul Krugman go cross-eyed with frustration on This Week yesterday as he tried to explain very simple economic terms and concepts to Sam Donaldson and Carly Fiorina may get a kick out of his column this morning. Clearly Paul just wandered off the set and in a fit of squirmy, nerdish pique typed out this thing declaring that anyone who says dumb things about the stimulus package is a lying fraud. Read more on Paul Krugman’s Angry Screed About Stimulus Haters…
  yes we can

Eliot Spitzer DEMANDS That Obama Create Army Of Death Robots

Filthy cock jackal Eliot Spitzer has written another one of those columns for the online Slate magazine, and he’s already mastering the “Slate Style,” which is to take a widely accepted belief (e.g., “Dogs make good pets”) and write a cool 600 words arguing why its opposite is SECRETLY truer (“Why all dogs should die”). In this column he tackles Obama’s big infrastructure plan, saying that instead of funding immediate road repairs and stuff for short-term stimulus’ sake, we should invest in transforming the foundation of America’s infrastructure. It is a stupid article because, um, Obama’s plans do include all of that, which is kind of the point. This leads us to Spitzer’s ace-in-the-hole, which is of course the massive federal funding of Robot Construction. Read more on Eliot Spitzer DEMANDS That Obama Create Army Of Death Robots…