Here’s the hot new Republican YouTube, “Hey Half-Breed, Where Mah Job, Haw Haw,” produced by orange House Minority Leader John Boehner. The first-person documentary follows a retarded man wandering into AIG offices and hamburger saloons detectivin’ (unsuccessfully) for them there “stimulus jobs” that the Kenyan feller kept hollerin’ about. And then John Boehner appears and complains about how his dog is unemployed and on welfare. [YouTube]

The best thing to happen in all of Texas last year was when a few Democratic anarcho-syndicalists burned down Rick Perry’s governor’s mansion with a flaming bag of Barney Bush’s poop, maybe. But because the remaining outer shell of this hell castle is a Historical Texas outer shell — and Texas never cheaps out when it comes to honoring its proud history of slavery, violence, oil, and self-importance — the difficult, tedious renovation will cost TWENTY MILLION dollars. CONSIDERING THE COST, the Texas state legislature is now telling Perry that if he wants his dumb house, then $11 million of that sum will have to come out of the Obama Stimulus Package — the thing Perry pretended to hate so much that he vowed to secede over it in ~FY2011. MORE »

WOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW: OOH LOOKY HERE, the deadline for governors to accept stimulus funds is today, and the last three holdouts in the country — Bobby Jindal, Sarah Palin and even Mark “Queen Welfare Queen” Sanford — have decided to accept allllllllllll of their allotted portions, after ranting for months and months about how accepting that money would destroy their state economies and add trillions in new terrible debt and force them raise taxes to 14,000% within a week just to pay a SINGLE TEACHER. Mark Sanford, of course, accepted this toxic money while still calling Obama a moron for allowing him to do so, because now he’s just going to launder it. [McClatchy]

Let us consider the latest squirming from South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, an ass. Like Texas’ Rick Perry, Sanford has gone out of his way to criticize the stimulus package as actual legislative trash that should be shat on by hobos and blown up and shot. And yet, he has still been considering accepting his state’s stimulus funds — or at least the parts over which he has control — because he is a dick. He wrote a letter yesterday to state legislators briefing them on his latest plan: he wants to use the chunk of the STIMULUS MONEY over which he has discretion — you know, because governors should be able to choose some of the BUSINESS INVESTMENTS and JOB-CREATING PROJECTS in their states that will receive ECONOMIC STIMULUS money, a GIFT from OBAMA — to pay down the state debt, and he will write a strongly worded letter to this socialist president demanding permission. MORE »

Wonkette’s Recovery.info troll “Daniel” informs us of this delightful section on the Obama Moneypage in which you can view scanned .PDFs of the various governors’ letters of certification of stimulus package funds (a.k.a the paper they sign to get their DOUGH.) Most of the states that have already signed their certifications are ruled by liberal Democrats who write simple, professional letters quoting the section of the legislation that requires their signing-off. Texas’ Rick Perry, on the other hand, writes a whiny bitch thing, because why is he even taking this money that he doesn’t want? MORE »

Bobby Jindal’s speechwriters, they are Gods. Check out this little one-two he pulled on the Democrats. See, he sets it up all good-like by saying that the stimulus package included “$140 million for something called ‘volcano monitoring,’” like wtf is that right, and then KA-CHING: “Instead of monitoring volcanoes, what Congress should be monitoring is the eruption of spending in Washington, D.C.” Get this guy a Washington Post column! He’d fit right in, because everyone already despises him. MORE »

Last time we checked in on notorious idiot wingnut Rep. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota, she was almost losing her safe House seat after proposing Witch Trials for every Democratic member of Congress, because of socialism. She squeaked by, though, and thank God, because she’s funny. With the SOCIALISM WITCH TRIAL SCANDAL finally out of the way, she’s speaking freely again. MORE »

Don’t think he’s signed it yet. He’s in Denver at some hippie museum for trees. Chuck Todd looks confused. Lots of flags, liberals. HURRY. UPDATE: Oh ha it ended just as we posted this. Well here’s an article to go with it. Apparently the White House has also created another one of its elitist websites — Recovery.gov! — that will track where the money’s being spent. CRAFTY. [MSNBC]

A new monthly Gallup poll has Congress’ approval rating at 31%, and hey, that’s not bad! Although the teevee kept saying that Obama and the Democrats had failed miserably during the stimulus debate while the Republicans found new life, the country “loves” Democrats now, and hates Republicans even more. NEED MORE ERIC CANTOR. [Gallup]

Here’s a hilarious new video from Eric Cantor’s office, bragging about how he used his “minority whip” on Obama. It rocks the fuck out to an Aerosmith song. Hot damn! This party could win a whole 30% of votes in the next election. [The Plank]

Here’s Sen. Lindsey Graham, on one of the Sunday shows that no one watches, telling America that it is “screwed” because of the lack of bipartisanship re: the stimulus package. If Obama wants to work with Republicans ever again, each bill he considers had damn well better include a capital gains tax cut. WE WANT PEOPLE TO INVEST, DUH? [YouTube]