Just recently South Carolina governor Mark Sanford was saying he wasn’t so sure his state would take any of the federal government’s stimulus bill money, because that bill was so awful, all full of pork and porky things. He was taking a principled stand! And then a bunch of snarky liberals like Paul Begala said “Fine, leave billions of dollars of free government aid on the table then,” so of course Sanford had to reassess. MORE »

For a few brief minutes it seemed like the executive pay cap proposal and a provision to recoup some of the bailout money spent on bonuses might actually stay in the stimulus bill. But ha, no, of course not. It looks like they will both die on the operating table. Still that was nifty for a little while when people got to fantasize about sticking it to the richies! [Washington Post, TPMDC]

This poor stimulus bill has been kicked around and blown up a million times, completely dismembered, bathed in acid — basically Robocop, except boring, and with money. So what secret provisions did House and Senate negotiators slip into the bill into order to win the eternal fealty of the lobster queen Susan Collins and the other handful of senators who hold the entire fate of the free world in their parsimonious little fists? MORE »

Aaargh NUMBERS ARE CONFUSING. This morning we have two (2) bits of information regarding what will happen to America’s fabulously wealthy Wall Street executives if and when the stimulus bill becomes a law. But it is sort of complicated, and who knows, these provisions seem to change by the hour, so do not be shocked if the stimulus bill comes out of committee with a brand-new stipulation that bank CEOs get a $15,000 tax credit for their first dozen concubines as long as those concubines are returned in original condition by December 31. Otherwise, everyone gets executed by Dick Cheney. MORE »

• The Junior Senator from France, Nicolas Sarkozy, has started up with some anti-imperialist rhetoric in Prussian capital of Munich of all places. On the bright side, this new WWI with France and Germany will save the economy for sure. [Matthew Yglesias]
• Jeb Bush will offer Constructive Criticisms regarding the stimulus bill in the form of pop quizzes about Latin conjugations directed toward a single Miami Herald reporter. [Ben Smith]
• Schadenfreude is on the way: Failed criminal Bernie Madoff and the SEC have probably reached a deal in which Madoff won’t be given back his fortune and he will have to pay a fine. All this plus those criminal charges you were hoping for. [The Daily Beast]
• Michelle Obama will be on the cover of March Vogue. She was photographed wearing Billy Ray Cyrus’ soiled duvet cover by Edgy lesbian Annie Leibovitz. [NYT Caucus]
• Obama will not stop his horrible provocations until influential Canadians — both of them — convince the Chinese to join them in initiating bloody Trade Crusades against America’s hardworking middle class. [RedState]

• NAME YOUR FAVORITE PORTION OF THE HOUSE STIMULUS BILL GUTTED IN THE SENATE VERSION: It’s easy with this handy graph from ProPublica, helpfully coded in Christmasy red and green! Our favorite part: the 21 billion dollars of “school construction and technology” projects that vanished between the House and the Senate votes. Senators know that, in our exciting new American future, kids won’t have to go to schools; they’ll all be beggars and chimbley sweeps. [ProPublica]

Well, third time’s a charm! Finally, one of you people out of the several hundred MILLION worldwide who claim to be Obama supporters held an actual “talk about our nation’s ruined economy” party, complete with a creepy guest appearance by Tim Kaine’s eyebrow. MORE »

• The only people that like Obama at all anymore are a bunch of lazy illegals who wish they had jobs, and who, instead of just getting a job at a car plant or a Sam Goody (Not Bankrupt Yet! ™), hope that Obama can “create” jobs. Right. [RedState]
• Chuck Schumer will reprogram his new intern, Kirsten Gillibrand, as he pleases. He will start with her, hmm let’s see, political identifications and belief system. That should do it. [Ben Smith]
• About a dozen House Republicans are headed to Rahm Emanuel’s house tonight. House Republicans are known for their love of Kosher food. [CNN Political Ticker]
• When Obama took over Whitehouse.gov, he has prevented presidential historians from accessing such information of import as a video of First Dog Barney scurrying around Michael Phelps to the tune of “Ripple.” This is not change.gov we can believe in. [Daily Kos]
• Obama is secretly planning on giving the entirety of the stimulus bill to his old friends The ACORNs. [The Corner]