• Ken Layne reviews Infinite Jest, or some other book. [Las Vegas Weekly]
• Honestly, there’s really no point in reading something you’ve already been paid to vote against. [Think Progess]
• Convicts need their stimulus checks just as much as the next guy. How else can they afford to have The Club™ surgically installed in their pooper? [RedState]
• Your children will be brainwashed with Mao’s Little Red Book, and then they will coerce you into participating in the Census. [Michelle Malkin]
• The problem with investigating torture is that it might have a “chilling effect” on torture! [Matt Yglesias]

You know who sucks? Poor jobless hungry people in America, that’s who! The famous wingnut blog “The Drudge Report” got some GOP people very, very excited because Drudge posted something suggesting the government spent $1.2 million to purchase “two pounds of ham.” TALK ABOUT PORK SPENDING, HEY-O! But, according to sad pooh-bear agriculture secretary Tom Vilsack, “the contract in question purchased 760,000 pounds of ham for $1.19 million, at a cost of approximately $1.50 per pound.” MORE »

• Barack Obama forgot how he met Michelle, his wife, his guiding star! You’ve only been married to the woman since 1992, Barack. Jesus Lord. And last year he forgot to get her a wedding anniversary present, so he swung by Radio Shack after work and picked up a lousy DVD box set. Ugh, the DVD box set is for the twentieth anniversary! [Swampland]
• Had a poopy day? Well that is now over, because the Guardian is servin’ up the feel-good tonic of the millenium with this, the wacky story of Binyam Mohamed! It’s more fun than The Hangover and Transformers Two combined, times ten! Savor every word. You will love it. It is a happy story. Go! Go read the happy story! [Guardian]
• The Democrats want to pass a resolution honoring Michael Jackson, but Michelle Malkin no likey — it’s just another piece of legislation full of pork-barrel spending! John Boehner read the resolution over and over again on the House floor, for sixty entire minutes, because the voters deserve to know what’s in this piece of shit. TEA PARTY! [Michelle Malkin]
• Screw health care! You know what we really need? It’s almost too obvious. [The Caucus]

An important new Associated Press topical article notes that exactly five other governors in American history have done something weird, while in office. So nature-boy mountain lamer Mark Sanford is not alone! Come out of the closet, Mark, and come back to America. MORE »

South Carolina granola hippie Mark Sanford just couldn’t take the pressure, man, so he put on his Tevas and headed up to the mountains to clear his head. Nothing like some Kinhin walking meditation to get the fear of The Man — that man, the prez — out of your soul. At least out here on the Appalachian Trail, mean old Barack Obama with his suits and his money and his power trips can’t bum you out …. unless uptight Obama is even using his Power Trip Stimulus Money on the trail itself. MORE »

Steadfast idiot and South Carolinian real estate speculator Mark Sanford keeps bugging the president about how he wants to use federal stimulus funds to pay down the state debt, which would not stimulate the economy at all. Now we hear that “Obama has, in fact, sent Sanford a very blunt, personal letter” explaining to him what an idiot he is. Come on, Palmetto Scoop! WE WANT ZE TASTY LETTR PLS. [Palmetto Scoop]

Right after President Obama was elected, the entire universe of unemployed people and soon-to-be unemployed people rushed to whatever that website was, with the jobs. Hundreds of thousands of people applied for basically a handful of Administration jobs, and now they are all waiting around in DC coffee shops for official word of their rejection. MORE »

WHY DOES JOE BIDEN HATE IDAHO SO MUCH? “Vice President Biden hosted officials from every state but Idaho for a conference today designed to serve as a workshop and warning on how they should use their billions of dollars from the stimulus package.” Is Idaho not receiving any stimulus money, or are they boycotting Pork President Biden’s Porkulous Guide to Porkery? Suspicious. [Washington Post]

Eek, would you want to be locked in a room getting yelled at by Henry Waxman for hours and hours? Because that is how Tim Geithner got to spend his Monday night, hooray! He has the worst job in America, worse even than those people who clean up murder scenes or give Rush Limbaugh enemas. MORE »

Here’s your Loyal Opposition, Republican Eric Cantor, just gushing when Obama sort of says, “What is up, Eric.” So, GOP, blushing baby Cantor is your pick to go to WAR with Barack Obama? Jesus fucking christ, maybe next time send somebody who doesn’t swoon when Mr. President looks his way. [YouTube]

Oh boy the stimulation is signed, in Denver — no birth certificate necessary there! — and here’s your Barack Obama all pissed off at Washington because, duh, Washington is (for the moment) in large part defined by a handful of advertising filler known as “pundits” and “Richard Cohen” and “The Politico,” all of which are basically Dick Cheney x 1,000,000. Meanwhile, over in that ghost town previously known as “Wall Street,” everybody’s all crying because Obama isn’t doing MORE to save their doomed sectors. Close ‘em down! [TeeVee]