Wonkette

• Here is a list of Obama’s best friends and how much they each paid David Plouffe, per hour, for the privilege of performing sexual favors on the two of them. [Ben Smith]
• Hindsight is 20/20, etc.: Americans warned Indians back in October that hotels in Mumbai would probably be attacked. [The Daily Beast]
• Steve Schmidt, the David Axelrod of failure, has high hopes for castrating boy-wonder Bobby Jindal. [The Corner]
• Al Franken is just 73 votes shy of beating Norm Coleman out to be the new Norm Coleman, though according to the former, there are votes that remain to be counted. [HuffPost]
• Other members of the Alaskan Estates-General are wondering why Sarah Palin keeps avoiding doing anything she was elected to do. [Crooks and Liars]

…And/or NOT! Yes, that fancy hyped New York Times Magazine piece about the internals of the McCain campaign is now available online, because of YOU, Wonkette readers, who spammed the shit out of Bill Kristol’s Weekly Standard inbox yesterday. Good work. Unfortunately, the piece is kind of bleh, with not nearly as much sexy “late Hillary Clinton campaign”-style adviser-on-adviser slap fights. The overall message, which you may have predicted, is that WALNUTS! is not as good of a politician as Barack Obama, ergo the current “losing” situation in which he finds himself deeply embedded. Nevertheless, let’s run through some highlights. MORE »

Chief McCain strategist Steve Schmidt spoke yesterday to NPR and made a variety of very interesting statements about how close his candidate is to finally putting this Obama guy away. [Hint: Super close.] “We’re proud of the campaign we’ve run, it’s been a positive campaign,” he says. And also, about the media: “We have ‘em just where we want ‘em in this race.” His campaign is “well within striking distance.” And blah blah blah, poor Steve Schmidt, with no hair on his wee bald head, and no prospects for the future. [Politico, NPR]

PBS anchor Gwen Ifill, who will host Thursday’s debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin, purportedly broke her ankle “after tripping and falling down stairs at her home last night.” Oh well what a timely “accident,” and what a likely “story,” which sounds nothing like “intimidation.” CAN SOMEONE then, maybe, explain the letter found next to Ifill’s ruined body that read “no forrin polisy gotcha quesschins,” written in virgin goat blood and signed by “Thteve Thchmidt”? [TV Newser]

MORE CAMPAIGN DISCOURSE: Oh look, it’s Ben Smith of the Politico and your editor doing one of these New York Magazine things. Smith says Wonkette’s commenters suck, and describes how Steve Schmidt put him in that tank! Your editor types more weird shit about Plato and Grand Moff Tarkin. [NY Mag Instant Politics]

• MICHAEL DUKAKIS IS IN THE TANK TOO: McCain strategist Steve Schmidt, who is Karl Rove’s actual bald son, spent all morning yelling at all reporters about how they’re “in the tank” for Barack Obama. And then Politico dominatrix Ben Smith asked the campaign to back up some of the claims Schmidt was making. And then McCain spokesman Brian Rogers e-mailed Smith back, “You are in the tank.” Ha. So Ben Smith naturally wrote a mean piece about the McCain campaign, because he is in the tank. [Politico]

John McCain’s best friend Ron Fournier, the Washington editor of the Associated Press, has written a nice news analysis about, what else, Sexism. He notes that McCain strategist Steve Schmidt’s dismissal of the “faux media scandal designed to destroy the first female Republican nominee for the vice president of the United States Famous” is only the beginning of a terrible two-month strategy to employ the SEX CARD, because what else is there to play? More hilariously, Fournier quotes famous wartime rat-fisting mayor Rudy Giuliani *calling other people sexist.* You know, Rudy! The one who dumped his second wife in a teevee news conference, because what the fuck. [AP]

Remember that time (pictured above, for your viewing pleasures!) Campbell Brown was unforgivably rude to Tucker Bounds by asking him what Sarah Palin had ever actually done as commander of the Alaskan National Guard? Why, it was almost as awful as that time Chris Matthews was unforgivably rude to Kirk Watson by asking him to list Barack Obama’s legislative accomplishments! And that is why Steve Schmidt, John McCain’s masturbator-in-chief, is so steamed that the members of the media are treating Sarah Palin unfairly. MORE »

The heh-heh files. Elisabeth Bumiller’s Washington Notebook entry today is, uhm, damp:

Built like the tight end he was in high school, with a gleaming shaved head that sets off his pinstriped suits, Steve Schmidt looks like someone you would not want to bump into in a dark corner of the Eisenhower Executive Office Building, his current lair.

Somewhere in D.C., Jeff Gannon sighs, “Speak for yourself, Liz.” Oh, and like this isn’t a turn-on: Last year, he “stalked through campaign headquarters declaring, ‘Kill, kill, kill.’” MORE »

• Second Time magazine reporter is called to testify in leak investigation. [NYT, WSJ]
• Time table for withdrawal from Iraq seems dependent on next month’s Iraqi election and next year’s midterm election. Former administration aide: “We’ve moved from ‘if’ to ‘how fast.’” [NYT]
• Rep. Tim Murphy (R-PA) and Rep. Ike Skelton (D-MO) are injured when their vehicle overturns in Iraq. [NYT]
• Advocacy groups target swing senators in fight over Alito’s confirmation. [WP]
• Alito has convinced most senators to support him — “an unusual political feat.” [USAT]
• The Washington Post’s special relationship with Bob Woodward “has sparked some resentment among the staff,” writes Howard Kurtz; criticism of star journalist is spreading. [WP]
• Bush visits Arizona today for speech on illegal immigration that is designed to reassure his conservative base. [WT, WSJ]

MORE »