Tag Archives: static kill

  oily pelicans

Hooray, The Well Is Dead, For Now!

BP and the Coast Guard are reporting that the reverse-cowgirl-static-kill-butt-well-plug was successful and that only 25% of the oil spilled is still in the Gulf of Mexico. Time to pop the bubbly and eat some shrimp…oh wait, there’s no shrimp left? Damn. Um, how about some oysters…no oysters? Uh, let’s have crabs, yeah crabs. Oh those are dead too? Fine, I’ll guess I’ll eat cat food. Read more on Hooray, The Well Is Dead, For Now!… Read more on Hooray, The Well Is Dead, For Now!…
  oily pelicans

The Deathstorm in the Sea Keeps on Churnin’ On Day 94

After losing strength over what’s left of Haiti, The Deathstorm hit open water, started gobbling steroids, and now has its eye set on breaking Hurricane Katrina’s home run record. The Deathstorm is currently named “III,” or “three” for those of you who aren’t subjects of the Roman Empire. Once it increases in strength and size it will be known as Bonnie. Meanwhile, near the Land of Drug Cartels, another deathstorm is forming, but its current status is illegal until further notice. Admiralissimo Allen has decreed that the Wondercap will remain closed in the event of a major storm. Track the storm with USA Today’s fancy graphic. Read more on The Deathstorm in the Sea Keeps on Churnin’ On Day 94… Read more on The Deathstorm in the Sea Keeps on Churnin’ On Day 94…
  oily pelicans

Tropical Deathstorm Forming, Could Impact Spill, But Not On Day 93

Just when you thought that everything was returning to normal in the Black Gulf (OMG IS THAT RACIST?!? PLEASE DON’T FIRE ME GREAT AND POWERFUL EDITOR KEN LAYNE!!11!! BREITBART CAN HAZ TEH VIDEOS!) there appears to be a tropical death-storm forming in the Caribbean Sea. Presently it has a 60% chance of forming into a tropical death-storm. Where will it go? Just like the cleanup operations, nobody knows — but it will likely crash into Florida or end up stirring shit up in the Gulf. Read more on Tropical Deathstorm Forming, Could Impact Spill, But Not On Day 93… Read more on Tropical Deathstorm Forming, Could Impact Spill, But Not On Day 93…
  oily pelicans

Don’t Worry About the Tiny Bubbles On Day 92

Now that the oil spill/disaster/catastrophe is finally over (?!), BP is looking into another option to seal the well called “static kill” or “bullheading.” Static Kill involves shooting heavy mud and ground-up chunks of Haley Barbour into the well. You can add these methods to “top hat,” “top kill,” and “junk shot” on the list of dirty oil sex maneuvers that you’ve been inspired to try by BP. Read more on Don’t Worry About the Tiny Bubbles On Day 92… Read more on Don’t Worry About the Tiny Bubbles On Day 92…