Wonkette

We don’t remember seeing this last night, which either means it’s fake or we were looking at the computer or refilling our drinks or whatever. Anyway, look at the crazy old man! The only time he’s not a Grave Danger to America is when he nods off. MORE »

Enjoy it while you can! MORE »

It’s not all under-skirt-finger-bangs and young adult men living off mommy’s money. Sometimes, Late Night Shots — the closed social network which allows you to explore Washington DC’s social landscape and bar scene — also explores the political establishment which employs them.

What do Washington’s best & whitest think about new Virginia Senator Jim Webb? He should go live in Russia, obviously! But a lot of LNSers actually respect Webb. What the hell is going on? Come read the forum goodness, after the jump.

MORE »

The best way to figure out if Bush gave a truly great speech about Malaria or whatever is, obviously, to go to the partisan political blogs and get the objective blogosphere truth. Let’s do it! MORE »

8:23 — Guess who can’t go to the State of the Union speech? Alberto Gonzales! Because just in case the aliens blow up this joint session, somebody from the White House must be able to continue illegally torturing people all over the world.
8:26 — The motorcade is about to leave the White House! In, uhm, about 10 minutes! He still has a chance to escape to Paraguay.
8:29 — Nancy Pelosi wouldn’t let the Sergeant at Arms introduce her, so he only gets to introduce the other guy, what’s his name, Freedom Boy.
8:36 — Hillary’s giving her own pre-rebuttal right now, on the Keith Olbermann show! Too bad nobody is watching it. Ha ha, just kidding, Keith! (Don’t have us murdered like Vince Foster, Hillary.)
8:51 — Everybody already read the speech, so it’s all pretty much about waiting for the aliens to strike so Alberto Gonzales can be King of Torture, and whatever crazy shawl Nancy Pelosi will be wearing.
8:55 — Katrina is forgiven! Bush won’t mention New Orleans, our own little Baghdad.
8:58 — Cheney looks really happy to be chatting it up with Pelosi.
8:59 — Ha ha, Wonkette’s publishing system is broken. Maybe it will work again before Bush does his thing.
9:02 — Brit Hume is sorta like Tony Snow’s mom.
9:03 — It’s going to be awesome to be taxed for health insurance. We should be taxed for other money we never see, too … what about taxing payroll taxes?
9:03 — Lynne & Laura have been seated, and here come some people walking through the thing … oh, it’s some of those Supreme Court people. Hello, Chief Justice John Edwards!
9:04 Let’s start a new post for the actual Mr. Blabby Blab. MORE »

The “fun” is about to start, pretty soon! We’ll be back with liveblogging action at 8 p.m. Meanwhile, here’s where to find the important stuff you need to find: MORE »

Hey, it’s already over! Here is the “lazy fare” video. But failure will not be a success, and he knows the blogosphere is up there, somewhere, in the sky. And don’t miss Hillary and Obama at the end! This nation needs a sex change! MORE »

Just because your friends won’t host a SOTU drinking-game festival doesn’t mean you have to sit at home alone with Dubya. Go on out there and have as good a time as anyone can have these days. There are parties at: MORE »

The “best political team on television” has come to the remarkable and controversial conclusion that George W. Bush is in the final two years of his second term. As a result of this stunning research, CNN asks a question that rattles the very foundations of our elderly and disheveled democracy: Is Bush a Lame Duck? MORE »

Before we start with this year’s greatest-ever Official Wonkette SOTU Drinking Game, let’s all remember to play fair and play mean. Here are the Rules:

* A “hit” (or “sip” for girls) is the basic unit of drinking of no offense to anybody.
* A “shot” is the standard 1.5-ounce serving of hard liquor; If your shot glass has a line midway around it, this is the 1-ounce level. Go ahead and add another half ounce.
* A “chug” is the act of consuming your entire beverage — usually beer — in a single terrible gulp.
* “Valium” is the trademarked name for the now-generic prescription benzodiazepine derivative. Substitute any Rx downer in your medicine cabinet if Diazepam is not available.
* A “rail” is two 1.5-inch-long lines of cocaine or methamphetamine. Get it, like a little railroad! But in these more innocent days, most people mean a single line when they say “rail.” We mean two lines.
* If you don’t have a gun, keep a heavy cast-iron skillet and a box of rat poison near your television.

Let the games begin, after the jump ….

MORE »

Yesterday at the supermarket, while wondering at the price they’re asking for red peppers, we were surprised to see President George Bush making like he was examining the zucchinis. He really wasn’t about to buy the courgettes, but pretending to do so gave him cover for sidling up to the other shoppers.

It’s easier to strike up a conversation with somebody picking out a head of romaine if you seem to be doing the same with the squash. The other shoppers weren’t having any of it, however. The President would sidle up to a woman looking over the chicory, and she would move down to the celery. He came after her at the celery and she scooted over to the radishes.

MORE »

Because you’ve asked, repeatedly, here is the official Wonkette SOTU 2007 Schedule: MORE »

We feel kind of dirty about pimping this, because Americans must protect their precious dog-torturing freedoms, but it’s probably the only opportunity to say “naked girl” and “State of the Union” in the same post. MORE »