Wonkette

This historic occasion deserves two posts on Wonkette, because pretty much anything deserves at least two posts on Wonkette. Anyway, George W. Bush is solving the economies right now. Are you excited? He is going to let us trust patients and doctors, and there will be, uh, some kind of government bonds we can purchase with the money we don’t have to keep our homes out of foreclosure. MORE »

Mr. President George W. Bush is about to get in the hearse! And then the long scary car is going to drive, uh, a few blocks to Capitol Hill, and they won’t be stopping for red lights. So if this was your big night to stop the Iraq War by, say, blocking the crosswalks … well, good luck with that. Let’s liveblog this freaking thing and immediately forgot it ever happened. MORE »

PROGRAMMING NOTE: We’ll be back with horrific liveblogging of the State of the Union address tonight at 8 p.m. Washington time. Are you ready for the 2008 SOTU Drinking Game?

Since January 2001, when our then-new President Bush gave his first fake State of the Union address — it was actually a “budget message,” as he had only been in the White House a few hours and hadn’t yet screwed up the country forever — America has gathered together for one glorious evening each January for our most precious freedom. Yes, we are talking about binge drinking while George W. Bush mispronounces common words on the teevee. MORE »

Nothing says “Our Precious Freedoms” like PETA’s annual State of the Union video of a young lady taking about an hour to get naked because she’s saying something about how you are not supposed to waterboard hamsters or eat steak. [PETA]

State of the Union, blah blah, economy, expectations, legacy … wait, what? MORE »

ALCOHOLIC PROGRAMMING NOTE: It’s State of the Union Day! And that means we’ll have an all-new SOTU Wonkette Drinking Game(TM) for you to play at home, with your friends and liver. How long have we done these SOTU bloggy drinking games? Long enough to make it an institution celebrated by the National Media, hooray! Don’t drink and drive, unless you’re a cop or a Kennedy, and check back in a few hours for the rules and ingredient list. (PS IF YOU’RE HOSTING A PUBLIC DRINKING GAME IN D.C. OR ELSEWHERE TONIGHT, EMAIL US NOW.) [Los Angeles Daily News]

A few years back, everybody was all, “Let’s impeach Bush & Cheney & Rumsfeld and try them for war crimes and execute them by firing squad, on Pay Per View.” And then our nation sort of got over it — what administration doesn’t launch a bunch of illegal wars — because the Democrats won Congress and the economy collapsed and now Americans are basically just looking around nervously for food and shelter, maybe under that bridge.

Well the good times are back: Dennis Kucinich is going to impeach George W. Bush on Monday! MORE »

Not to bring down the party atmosphere like a lead balloon, but the elections are still 10 months off and the inauguration’s more than a year, so GWB is still the President and, um, well, you mighta noticed that maybe things aren’t going so well with the economy? I mean, what with oil being $100/barrel and rampant foreclosures and declining economic indicators? Does he have a plan? LOLZ, no, but he’s thinking about eventually having a plan in time for the big speech-y thing he makes the teevees broadcast every year.

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* Please send photos and updates when tens of thousands of earnest yuppies descend on the Mall for Saturday’s Tibetan Danny Glover Freedom Concert. We’ll be at Busch Gardens along with every other journalist in Washington.
* The Politico was fathered this week by the Allbrittons. The media failures are also the proud owners of the $28 million Georgetown crime scene we’ve been investigating. Coincidence?
* BARACK HUSSEIN OSAMA TOSSES BIN LADEN AT AMERICA.
* Hillary Cunton consummated her trail of tears. Soon after, she got busted for paying right-wing blogs not to run her campaign ads.
* “So I say to John Kerry, I love you John Kerry. And I’m so sorry that things didn’t work out for our country, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that I will always care about you greatly and remember the times we’ve spent together.”
* In an attempt to tidy up before killing himself, David Bradley makes Andrew Sullivan Senior Editor of The Atlantic: “I’ve spent my adult years believing that life is a sine curve of inevitable highs following inevitable lows. What is new to me, in this second career, is that the highs are much higher in journalism and the lows much lower. I had not understood, before, how wide could be the band of emotions.”
* Michele Bachmann isn’t afraid to lose control, uses farm hands to offer the President a little encouragement. The DumpBachman blog says “Good-bye Katherine Harris, Hello Michelle Bachmann.” But we’ll never turn our backs on Kitty. She removed her invisibility cloak to to hand out business cards to anyone who didn’t wince at her at the SOTU.
* Like Alberto Gonzales, we weren’t allowed to attend the big event. So we liveblogged the shit out of the blabby blab. And the blabby blab blab response. Believe you us, the whole affair was like looking in a drawer full of diamonds and we’re still hungover.

The great thing about actually hating all politicians is nobody can figure out if you’re “conservative” or “liberal” or whatever. Witness this bit in the Post:

Not all of the reaction was positive. Conservatives scoffed at Webb’s less-than-animated demeanor. One blog headline commented on Webb’s constant seriousness with the headline: “Dem Response: Countdown to Webb’s Aneurysm.”

Tipster “Rebecca” was so offended that she left an impassioned comment in our defense. But our favorite comment is this one:

“One blog headline commented on Webbs constant seriousness with the headline: Dem Response: Countdown to Webbs Aneurysm.” How typical. Lacking intelligent criticism, conservatives substitute childish ridicule. And this is a pretty damn serious time. Thousands of Americans and tens of thousands of Iraqis have died in this ill-conceived and mismanaged war. That this conservative blogger thinks the time and issues warrant anything but seriousness frightens and disgusts me.

Well said, dummy! MORE »

It just gets worse. Maybe this is why Bush is always covered in welts and boils and whatnot — they’re actually hickeys from Michele “Let’s Make Babies, Baby” Bachmann.

Another horrifying shot, after the jump.

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Remember those TV listings they used to have in newspapers? They’ve still got ‘em in Oklahoma, as proven by this hilarious caption on the Bush photo. MORE »