Tag Archives: state of the union

  also lawyers and guns

Wonkette Es Broked, Please Send Money

Are you reading your Wonkette right now, getting all the important Donald Trump and Sarah Palin and Dana Perino’s husband arrested news? PROBABLY NOT! Our computer machine thingy is probably down RIGHT NOW!!! Funny story! Actually it isn’t, it is very boring, but what is funny is that our husband, Shypixel, is in charge of making the hamsters run for our Internet-machine to work, and the mean people who own the hamsters have killed all the hamsters, and then they are telling Shypixel HE IS THE REAL MURDERER! Read more on Wonkette Es Broked, Please Send Money…
  That's Right You're Not From Texas

Ted Cruz Explains Why No One Likes Him

Nope
Walking bag of petulance Ted Cruz explained on CNN Sunday that he’s plenty likable, but the fools in Washington are simply too detached from Real America to recognize that simple fact. State of the Union host Dana Bash reminded the senator from Alberta that he’s “not the most popular person” in the Senate — even among Republicans: Read more on Ted Cruz Explains Why No One Likes Him…
  Also no bread bags

Joni Ernst Fails To Castrate Hog During CPAC Speech, Lame

Don't say breadbags, don't say breadbags
Awwwwwww yeah. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, and no, we don’t mean the War on Xmas. We’re talking about the annual gathering of suited-up conservatives (seriously, ladies, leave your whore clothes at home) at the Conservative Political Action Conference. That’s where our favorite wingnuts — elected and never-gonna-be elected — gather to read speeches off TelePrompters (oh yes they do) about how Obama sucks; conservatives are THE BEST; God hates liberals; freedom is great but not free, that’s the magic of capitalism, duh; Obama sucks; guns hooray!; gays are icky and not allowed at CPAC because GROSS; Obama sucks; Constitution stuff; every life is sacred except for terrorists, bomb bomb bomb ’em all now; baby-killing whores and their whore pills, amirite?; Obama still sucks; FREEDOM!!! Read more on Joni Ernst Fails To Castrate Hog During CPAC Speech, Lame…
  Gonna get me a quick nap and then it's FIREBALL-THIRTY y'all

Best Justice Ever Ruth Bader Ginsburg May Have Been Slightly Drunk At SOTU Address

Just let me nap this out, we should go do shots after.
So, here is a thing for your Friday that will make you giggly happy. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who is a bad-ass, was caught on camera takin’ a little snooze during Obummer’s State Of The Union address, because who wouldn’t, and she admitted Thursday night that she MAY HAVE BEEN a little bit hammered that night, due to she and the other judges always have dinner before the Big Game, and Anthony Kennedy brought some wine she was NOT about to decline: Read more on Best Justice Ever Ruth Bader Ginsburg May Have Been Slightly Drunk At SOTU Address…
  We Have Always Been At War With Climate Science

House GOP Posts SOTU Video With Climate Stuff Magically Erased

The transcript also appears to have been altered
Here’s a fun little bit of political ratfucking (not really, it’s totally an accident!): When the House Republican website posted a version of Tuesday’s State of the Union address, with Republican talking points popping up to reply to each point President Obama made, the posted version of the speech left out at least two significant portions of the speech, deleting almost everything about global warming: Read more on House GOP Posts SOTU Video With Climate Stuff Magically Erased…
  Won't someone please think of Steve Doocy?

Obama’s Free Socialist College Plan Unfair To Fox News Idiots!

Weep for him, America
President Barry H. Bamz Obama recently announced a plan to give free community college to everyone who promises to do their homework on time and not fail all the classes. Edumacation is good, and free is good too, since kids these days are drowning in student loan debt, which is bad. (Elizabeth Warren says so, and she knows everything. Don’t argue.) And besides, all the other cool countries are doing it, which might have something to do with why all their kids are smarter at doing the math and the reading and the science than our kids. Read more on Obama’s Free Socialist College Plan Unfair To Fox News Idiots!…
  The Audacity Of A Dope

Ted Cruz Ready To Be President, Not Ready For YouTube

Hold on, hold on, still thinkin' ...
President Ted Cruz had a very special moment of dumbth in the production of his very own response to the State of the Union address. Instead of taking the risk of doing it live, he wisely chose to record his response in advance, so that if he made any mistakes, they could be edited out in another take. Read more on Ted Cruz Ready To Be President, Not Ready For YouTube…
  The Wonder Years

Joni Ernst: Let Them Wear Bread Bags

NEWS FLASH: You can afford these shoes on $7.25 an hour
Sen. Joni Ernst did her best in her robotic SOTU response to let us know that she empathizes with folks facing hard times: You see, growing up, I had only one good pair of shoes. So on rainy school days, my mom would slip plastic bread bags over them to keep them dry. But I was never embarrassed. Because the school bus would be filled with rows and rows of young Iowans with bread bags slipped over their feet. And thus was born the #breadbags hashtag: Read more on Joni Ernst: Let Them Wear Bread Bags…
  May Lunge Off-Camera For Meth

Florida Man To Give Tea Party SOTU Response. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

You know what our very favorite part of SOTU night is? No, not when Obummer crams his hot, thick, black socialism down our nubile, slightly agape throats. Not even when pig farmer Sen. Joni Ernst castrates an Obama doll with her bare hands on live national television, for freedom. No, our very favorite part of this bizarre annual spectacle of American governance comes after all that, in the cry for attention known as the Tea Party Express’ State of the Union rebuttal. Read more on Florida Man To Give Tea Party SOTU Response. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?…
  If Only Obama Would Lead Part LXVIII

Serious Pundit Ron Fournier Blesses Us With A State Of The Union Viewing Guide, Oh Joy

Our eyes will be on Old Handsome Joe. We hear Obama's going to talk, too.
Bland centrist Ron Fournier, who seems to aspire to be David Broder without all the edginess, has graced us with some standards for judging Barack Obama’s State of the Union address tonight. Needless to say, he thinks the Republican takeover of the Senate presents America with a beautiful opportunity for Democrats and Republicans to “begin governing together” like good boys and girls — if only Obama doesn’t poison everything by trying to enact his agenda. Fournier tut-tuts: Read more on Serious Pundit Ron Fournier Blesses Us With A State Of The Union Viewing Guide, Oh Joy…
  Smells Like Liz Warren

Feisty Liberal Obama Plans To Tax The Hell Out Of Rich People, For America

Still the worst
Now that Obama is a good president again because gas prices are low, he appears to be feeling his oats. And when Obama feels his oats, you know what happens: COMMON-SENSE PROPOSALS! For tax reforms that strengthen the middle class and ask wealthy Americans to pay their fair share! HOT DAMN AND DIGGIDY! Read more on Feisty Liberal Obama Plans To Tax The Hell Out Of Rich People, For America…
  clipbait

Watch Seth Meyers And Amy Poehler Drool All Over Old Handsome Joe Biden, Just Like Any Of Us Would (Video)

Bill O’Reilly got Barack, Jimmy Fallon got Michelle, so it’s only fair that Seth Meyers would get the Vice President. If any other special Teevee events come along, they’ll have to choose between Dr. Jill Biden or the President Pro Tempore of the Senate; it’s in the Constitution. (Do Al Haig jokes even work anymore?) Read more on Watch Seth Meyers And Amy Poehler Drool All Over Old Handsome Joe Biden, Just Like Any Of Us Would (Video)…