Tag Archives: state of the union

  Also no bread bags

Joni Ernst Fails To Castrate Hog During CPAC Speech, Lame

Don't say breadbags, don't say breadbags
Awwwwwww yeah. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, and no, we don’t mean the War on Xmas. We’re talking about the annual gathering of suited-up conservatives (seriously, ladies, leave your whore clothes at home) at the Conservative Political Action Conference. That’s where our favorite wingnuts — elected and never-gonna-be elected — gather to read speeches off TelePrompters (oh yes they do) about how Obama sucks; conservatives are THE BEST; God hates liberals; freedom is great but not free, that’s the magic of capitalism, duh; Obama sucks; guns hooray!; gays are icky and not allowed at CPAC because GROSS; Obama sucks; Constitution stuff; every life is sacred except for terrorists, bomb bomb bomb ‘em all now; baby-killing whores and their whore pills, amirite?; Obama still sucks; FREEDOM!!! Read more on Joni Ernst Fails To Castrate Hog During CPAC Speech, Lame…
  Gonna get me a quick nap and then it's FIREBALL-THIRTY y'all

Best Justice Ever Ruth Bader Ginsburg May Have Been Slightly Drunk At SOTU Address

Just let me nap this out, we should go do shots after.
So, here is a thing for your Friday that will make you giggly happy. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who is a bad-ass, was caught on camera takin’ a little snooze during Obummer’s State Of The Union address, because who wouldn’t, and she admitted Thursday night that she MAY HAVE BEEN a little bit hammered that night, due to she and the other judges always have dinner before the Big Game, and Anthony Kennedy brought some wine she was NOT about to decline: Read more on Best Justice Ever Ruth Bader Ginsburg May Have Been Slightly Drunk At SOTU Address…
  We Have Always Been At War With Climate Science

House GOP Posts SOTU Video With Climate Stuff Magically Erased

The transcript also appears to have been altered
Here’s a fun little bit of political ratfucking (not really, it’s totally an accident!): When the House Republican website posted a version of Tuesday’s State of the Union address, with Republican talking points popping up to reply to each point President Obama made, the posted version of the speech left out at least two significant portions of the speech, deleting almost everything about global warming: Read more on House GOP Posts SOTU Video With Climate Stuff Magically Erased…
  Won't someone please think of Steve Doocy?

Obama’s Free Socialist College Plan Unfair To Fox News Idiots!

Weep for him, America
President Barry H. Bamz Obama recently announced a plan to give free community college to everyone who promises to do their homework on time and not fail all the classes. Edumacation is good, and free is good too, since kids these days are drowning in student loan debt, which is bad. (Elizabeth Warren says so, and she knows everything. Don’t argue.) And besides, all the other cool countries are doing it, which might have something to do with why all their kids are smarter at doing the math and the reading and the science than our kids. Read more on Obama’s Free Socialist College Plan Unfair To Fox News Idiots!…
  The Audacity Of A Dope

Ted Cruz Ready To Be President, Not Ready For YouTube

Hold on, hold on, still thinkin' ...
President Ted Cruz had a very special moment of dumbth in the production of his very own response to the State of the Union address. Instead of taking the risk of doing it live, he wisely chose to record his response in advance, so that if he made any mistakes, they could be edited out in another take. Read more on Ted Cruz Ready To Be President, Not Ready For YouTube…
  The Wonder Years

Joni Ernst: Let Them Wear Bread Bags

NEWS FLASH: You can afford these shoes on $7.25 an hour
Sen. Joni Ernst did her best in her robotic SOTU response to let us know that she empathizes with folks facing hard times: You see, growing up, I had only one good pair of shoes. So on rainy school days, my mom would slip plastic bread bags over them to keep them dry. But I was never embarrassed. Because the school bus would be filled with rows and rows of young Iowans with bread bags slipped over their feet. And thus was born the #breadbags hashtag: Read more on Joni Ernst: Let Them Wear Bread Bags…
  May Lunge Off-Camera For Meth

Florida Man To Give Tea Party SOTU Response. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

You know what our very favorite part of SOTU night is? No, not when Obummer crams his hot, thick, black socialism down our nubile, slightly agape throats. Not even when pig farmer Sen. Joni Ernst castrates an Obama doll with her bare hands on live national television, for freedom. No, our very favorite part of this bizarre annual spectacle of American governance comes after all that, in the cry for attention known as the Tea Party Express’ State of the Union rebuttal. Read more on Florida Man To Give Tea Party SOTU Response. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?…
  If Only Obama Would Lead Part LXVIII

Serious Pundit Ron Fournier Blesses Us With A State Of The Union Viewing Guide, Oh Joy

Our eyes will be on Old Handsome Joe. We hear Obama's going to talk, too.
Bland centrist Ron Fournier, who seems to aspire to be David Broder without all the edginess, has graced us with some standards for judging Barack Obama’s State of the Union address tonight. Needless to say, he thinks the Republican takeover of the Senate presents America with a beautiful opportunity for Democrats and Republicans to “begin governing together” like good boys and girls — if only Obama doesn’t poison everything by trying to enact his agenda. Fournier tut-tuts: Read more on Serious Pundit Ron Fournier Blesses Us With A State Of The Union Viewing Guide, Oh Joy…
  Smells Like Liz Warren

Feisty Liberal Obama Plans To Tax The Hell Out Of Rich People, For America

Chock fulla wet beans.
Now that Obama is a good president again because gas prices are low, he appears to be feeling his oats. And when Obama feels his oats, you know what happens: COMMON-SENSE PROPOSALS! For tax reforms that strengthen the middle class and ask wealthy Americans to pay their fair share! HOT DAMN AND DIGGIDY! Read more on Feisty Liberal Obama Plans To Tax The Hell Out Of Rich People, For America…
  clipbait

Watch Seth Meyers And Amy Poehler Drool All Over Old Handsome Joe Biden, Just Like Any Of Us Would (Video)

Bill O’Reilly got Barack, Jimmy Fallon got Michelle, so it’s only fair that Seth Meyers would get the Vice President. If any other special Teevee events come along, they’ll have to choose between Dr. Jill Biden or the President Pro Tempore of the Senate; it’s in the Constitution. (Do Al Haig jokes even work anymore?) Read more on Watch Seth Meyers And Amy Poehler Drool All Over Old Handsome Joe Biden, Just Like Any Of Us Would (Video)…
  deleted comments

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Dusky-Hued Takers Will Sweep Wendy Davis Into Office

Our first submission in the pending comment queue, that purgatory where first-time comments wait to be approved or flushed, came in reply to the story about how Wendy Davis told filthy lies about being a “single mother” when she was in fact a “separated but living alone whilst not yet having filed for divorce” mother, and also she married a nice guy and accepted his offer to pay for some of her college, just like whores do. This provoked history buff “Antietam123″ to let some bull run: FOLKS, it doesn’t matter if Wendy Davis is a pathological liar. This is what you must understand. Liberal Progressives have absolutely zero concern about their candidate’s integrity as long as that candidate promises to deliver STUFF. “JUS GIMME MO GUBERMINT STUFF OFF DA BACKS UV DOZ DAMN TAXPAYERS!” He seems nice. Bet he really resented it when some dope at MSNBC suggested that the right wing was racist. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Dusky-Hued Takers Will Sweep Wendy Davis Into Office…
  sun rises. gop lies about obamacare. sun sets.

Cathy McMorris Rodgers Is A Horrible Lying Assclown

So, y’all remember that vagina’d monologue from the lady who gave the official, not-in-Spanish GOP response to Dictator Obama’s State of the Union speechy thingy? Yeah, the one who seemed all sweet and stuff, until you listened to her words, which were fluff and boring, and apparently full of lies. Because when you are addressing the entire nation after the President, who would have ever thought that the media would maybe, possibly, look into the words that came forth from your mouthhole and check them against reality? Not every media outlet treats the GOP like Fox News. During Cathy McMorris Rodgers response, she mentioned “Bette from Spokane,” who was kicked off her health insurance and was facing a “nearly $700 per month” increase in her premiums, #ThanksObama. This was to illustrate how bad the law was, and how all Americans everywhere were suffering because Obamacare is THE WORST. And there is no way that the media (thanks, Spokesman-Review) would find this “Bette,” and certainly no way that there would be cheaper options for “Bette” that the Congresswoman neglected to mention, because who would be so utterly incompetent as to tell a bald-faced LIE on national television that could be tracked down merely days later? It turns out that Cathy McMorris Rodgers, and her staff, are, indeed, that incompetent. Or just liars. Probably both.  Read more on Cathy McMorris Rodgers Is A Horrible Lying Assclown…
  everybody must get droned

Minnesota Hero Seeks To Use Drones To Deliver Beer; We’ll Take One Million, Please

Beer. As the great philosopher said, it is the cause of and solution to all life’s problems. And one brave man was trying to make it easier for people to cause and/or solve problems, by using good ol’ American ingenuity to find a better, faster, easier way to get your frothy goodness to you. From the Star Tribune: The idea seemed ingenious: Delivering 12-packs of beer to the cold, windswept surfaces of popular ice fishing lakes — using a drone. Reading this, we literally heard a Hallelujah chorus, as a ray of golden sunlight illuminated our computer screen. What giant among men, what hero in a world full of fallen souls was Touched by the Hand of a Muse with such utter, simple brilliance? Seriously, this is the kind of thing Pete Seeger would write a folk song about, peace be upon him. Anything to make alcohol easier to obtain gets a million thumbs-up from us. But, Glorious Readers, it was not to be. For you see, drones are meant to kill innocent wedding parties, not deliver hoppy, wonderful goodness to your frozen fishing shack. Come with us, and learn more about this tragic tale.  Read more on Minnesota Hero Seeks To Use Drones To Deliver Beer; We’ll Take One Million, Please…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Breaks GOP State Of The Union Spinners In Half, Like A Boy (Video)

Jon Stewart is in beautiful form in this analysis of post-SOTU Republican talking points. The only problem with the night’s theme — Obama just doesn’t want to do Bipartisanship — Stewart says, “is that it’s total bullshit..Premium, Grade-A grass fed free range bullshit. Collected and packaged by hand…” And then he starts getting mean. Read more on Jon Stewart Breaks GOP State Of The Union Spinners In Half, Like A Boy (Video)…
  seems everything's funny to you wonkett

Here Is Your Big Deal State Of The Union Caption Contest, America!

Thanks to the wonders of modern digital recording technology, we have this “Vine” thing from “Now This Politics,” showing Old Handsome Joe Biden being his usual awesome self during the State of the Union Address. Your assignment, O Wonkaderos, is to make up a funny caption for it and post it in the comments by 8 PM EST today, so’s the night shift people (i.e., anyone in the chat cave after sundown) can judge your efforts and select the winners, to be posted tomorrow morning. And we promise not to berate you about how lame your captions are this time, we promise!* Winner gets a “pony.” Or an “iPhone.” We even have two exciting gifs for you to choose from! In addition to OHJB, we also have another image after the jump! You will never guess what it is, unless you happen to guess it! Read more on Here Is Your Big Deal State Of The Union Caption Contest, America!…
  something for everyone

America’s New Boyfriend Randy Weber Likes Long Walks, Snuggling, And Calling Obama A Socialist — Just Like You!

Sorry, were you feeling left out because we told you that Cathy McMorris Rodgers was America’s New Sweetheart, but your sweetheart tastes do not run towards ladies, thankyewverymuch? Never fear. We are all-inclusive in our sweetheart finding and loving and praising here at Wonkette, and we have found you a delightful male counterpart to Chatty Cathy. Ladies and Gentlemen who prefer Gentlemen, we give you America’s New Sweetheart, Boy-Flavored Edition: Rep. Randy Weber. Randy was already on our radar thanks to his tireless devotion to making sure that he shall never have to endure the spectre of a gay marriage right there in front of his good Christian eyes. Dammit. We’re sorry if this is going to make it awkward for you boy types that were hoping to someday join in holy matrimony with your new crush object Randy, but at this point, we are limited to two new sweethearts. Think of them like a really malevolent prom king and queen. But enough about your pathetic search for love. Let’s learn about Randy! Randy turned pro last night during the State of the Union by kicking his Twitter feed into high gear with the sort of snotty tweets usually reserved for people with egg avatars and zero followers. Read more on America’s New Boyfriend Randy Weber Likes Long Walks, Snuggling, And Calling Obama A Socialist — Just Like You!…
  equality means everyone's private jet is taxed the same

Mike Lee’s Tea Party SOTU Response Explains How Government Created Inequality With Taxes, Abortions

By all reasonable measures, Utah Sen. Mike Lee’s response to the State of the Union address was a huge success: He knew where the camera was, he didn’t go lunging off to the side to grab a water bottle, and he boldly articulated the innovative idea that government is the source of all our problems. Hey, he even had a repeated metaphor about “the road from Boston to Philadelphia,” noting that the original Tea Party was all about protest but then the Founders got organized and wrote the Constitution, so he gets a couple of points from this rhetoric teacher. And he only made up one completely nonexistent word, talking about Washington’s atmosphere of “cronyous privilege.” No, that’s not really an olde-timey Colonyous American word. Still he makes a compelling case for supporting General Washington, and as Charlie Pierce says, the speech might just be the thing to “break the logjam and get the Articles of Confederation passed.” Kind of a bummer that everything else was the same old libertarian crap about how the only thing Americans need to all become rich and happy is for the mean old government to get out of the way and let the profits happen. Read more on Mike Lee’s Tea Party SOTU Response Explains How Government Created Inequality With Taxes, Abortions…
  and by slightly we mean slightly

A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness

Gentlemen, did you wake up this morning with a little extra pep in your Mr. Peepers? We sure did, because WE FINALLY GOT OUR PRESIDENT BACK! It’s like that awesome hopey and changey guy from 2008 snuck back out and sucker-punched the GOP right in the nards with like a million awesome words at the State of the Union! While we were busy snarkily drunkblogging the speech and the 43 GOP responses, we may have neglected to discuss with you, Glorious Reader, why President Obama’s speech was such a tour-de-force, so grab your favorite politilube, and be prepared to fap away to some motherfucking awesomeness.  Read more on A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness…