Tag Archives: state legislatures

  Exorcise the Law Demons

Totally Sane Colorado State Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt To Do Something Very Sane, We Bet

Next he will be governor, then president, and after that king of the universe!
Oh boy, Doctor Chaps is back! We’ve so missed his weekly declarations of demonic possession now that he got a big boy job in the Colorado legislature. You might remember the self-proclaimed Doctor Chaps (his words!) as the teevee preacher man who believes that Barack Obama is literally possessed by demons. Like literally literally. As in demonic possession was literally this guy’s dissertation. Read more on Totally Sane Colorado State Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt To Do Something Very Sane, We Bet…
  outstanding achievements in shitmuffinry

Nominate Your Terrible Local Lawmakers for Legislative Sh*tmuffin of the Year!

It’s that time of year again, Wonketeers! We’re gathering nominations for our coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year award. Competition for 2014 honors in both national and state divisions has been fierce and we want to be sure we don’t overlook any worthy nominees, particularly among those who ply their trade in the state capitol buildings across our great nation. Read more on Nominate Your Terrible Local Lawmakers for Legislative Sh*tmuffin of the Year!…
  Have A Koch And A Smile

John Oliver: Forget The Senate, These State Elections Are Really Going To Screw Us (Video)

Love It Or Be Impaled By It
Tomorrow’s the big election, and while most of the hoopla is about who’s going to control the Senate, John Oliver would just like to remind you that 1) No matter who’s in charge, the Senate isn’t going to get a damned thing done, and 2) a lot of the serious political fuckery is going on at the state level, where people are trying to get elected by running campaign commercials like the one above, from Montana, featuring “an old man stabbing a child to death with a flag.” (The same ad also includes the candidate saying how much he loves the Constitution — over a photo of the Declaration of Independence.) Read more on John Oliver: Forget The Senate, These State Elections Are Really Going To Screw Us (Video)…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

You Can Pry The Smith & Wesson From Lady’s Cold Dead Hoo-Haw, And Other Notable Gun News

Oh hai! Welcome to this edition of Our Cold Dead Hands, Wonkette’s weekly look at the state of the gun debate in America, where evil liberals bent on controlling every aspect of your lives continue their efforts to disarm the brave patriots who are the only line of defense between you and the FEMA death camps. You’ll thank them some day, you docile sheep! Read more on You Can Pry The Smith & Wesson From Lady’s Cold Dead Hoo-Haw, And Other Notable Gun News…
  important forwarded email news

Tennessee State Rep. Knows Precisely How Obama Will Steal This Election

Good news, people of Tennessee: we get to discuss your state legislature again this morning! Oh, put away your groans. This guy you’ve got, state Rep. Kelly Keisling, had such a smart insight into the future of American politics that he took the liberty of emailing it to his constituents. How’s the rest of 2012 gonna play, O holy Byrdstown prophet? “A Republican member of the Tennessee state legislature emailed constituents Tuesday morning with a rumor circulating in conservative circles that President Barack Obama is planning to stage a fake assassination attempt in an effort to stop the 2012 election from happening.” What’s that, reader? You don’t take this seriously? Well what if we told you that the rumor came from a “Florida-based conservative blogger”? Mmhmm, yep. It’s all happening. Read more on Tennessee State Rep. Knows Precisely How Obama Will Steal This Election…
  nice work all around

Campaign Manager of the Year Outs Boss’s Gay Son

Colorado state Rep. Marsha Looper’s campaign manager, Lana Fore-Warkocz, was so excited about her boss voting against civil unions that she simply had to get on the email machine and spread the word to supporters! Marsha Looper is not only a hero for stickin’ it to the gays, see, but she’s an extra-double hero because she has a gay child herself, and still had the courage to vote for her child’s continuing unhappiness. We need more brave souls like Marsha Looper out there, fighting the good fight against their children. On the other hand, oops, because Marsha Looper’s son sort of wanted to keep that whole gay thing a secret? Read more on Campaign Manager of the Year Outs Boss’s Gay Son…
  ban science

NC Developers Working Hard To Prevent Scientists From Making Sea Level Forecasts

North Carolina science people have determined that coastal sea levels are expected to rise 1 meter by 2100 — far more than they’ve traditionally risen, due to the expected impacts of climate change. But developers in 20 coastal counties, see, have determined that such a rise would be bad for development prospects. So they’ve lobbied the state to lower that forecast to only 15 inches instead, because why not? Fifteen’s a nice number. Arbitrary, sure, but can’t the scientists just shut up already? Read more on NC Developers Working Hard To Prevent Scientists From Making Sea Level Forecasts…
  oh come on already

Chris Christie Looks Forward To Screaming Down Gay Marriage Bill

New Jersey’s Senate passed a gay marriage bill today! Now it will go to the state Assembly, which will pass it, because Assemblies pass everything. Then it will hit the desk of the good Governor Sandwiches of New Jersey, Chris Christie, who will veto it and then curse out some teachers, for his breakfast dessert. Read more on Chris Christie Looks Forward To Screaming Down Gay Marriage Bill…
  things we knew

Virginia Majority Leader Screws Old Corpses, Makes Wife Watch

While Morgan Griffith is now merely majority leader of the Virginia House of Delegates, one day he shall become the Republican White Obama, of Ancient Prophecy. Because why the fuck not, right? This is some Real American cred here: “Griffith also has an odd fondness for dressing up like one of his heroes, Revolutionary War Gen. Andrew Lewis. That’s a little strange, but there’s something about him I’ve always found even stranger: Griffith was married five years ago in Salem’s East Hill Cemetery, next to the dead general’s grave.” Actually, not Real American enough, nevermind, GTFO — Confederate generals would be more American. [Roanoke Times] Read more on Virginia Majority Leader Screws Old Corpses, Makes Wife Watch…
  ha ha actual mainstream racism

WINGNUTS FURIOUS OVER… WELL, ANY MUSLIM: “RICHMOND — Hundreds of people are urging legislators to boycott the House of Delegates’ floor session on Thursday, when a Falls Church imam whom they accuse of condoning violence and defending terrorism is set to deliver the opening prayer.” It’s funny, because this particular imam has been one of the most visibly outspoken American imams against terrorism and Al Qaeda and what not. Doesn’t matter though, STILL A DIRTY MUSLIN. Did anyone in Richmond take terrible photos of today’s wingnut protest of Osama’s best friend? TIPS@WONKETTE.COM. [Washington Post] Read more on …
  today in wording

Illinois Governor To Raise Taxes ONE HUNDRED MILLION PERCENT ON EVERYONE!

It sounds scary when it’s written like this: “Gov. Pat Quinn today called for a 33 percent increase in the state income tax rate to raise money for education and ease deep cuts he’s proposed in his new budget plan.” Less scary when it’s written like this: “Quinn wants to increase the personal income tax rate from 3 percent to 4 percent — a 33 percent increase — with the corporate tax rate rising from 4.8 percent to 5.8 percent. The tax hike would bring in $2.8 billion a year.” Oh well that sounds fair in these tough times but GAHHH THIRTY-THREE PERCENT HOLY SHIT FIRE HIM. [Chicago Tribune] Read more on Illinois Governor To Raise Taxes ONE HUNDRED MILLION PERCENT ON EVERYONE!…
  sexytime

California Hardcore Anti-Gay Rights GOP State Senator Caught… (Finish Yourself)

California State Sen. Roy Ashburn, a major family values, anti-gay Republican father of four, also likes to FUCK MEN IN THE ASS. He was pulled over and given a DUI the other night while returning from a Sacramento gay nightclub. Riding in the car with him was another man whom Ashburn was going to rail and slam and draw rainbows on and poop all over. [CBS 13] Read more on California Hardcore Anti-Gay Rights GOP State Senator Caught… (Finish Yourself)…
  because he is blind

DAVID PATERSON’S FRIENDS ARE LEAVING! Did you hear that the New York Times finally got around to writing something vaguely damning about David Paterson? One of his aides beat up a nice lady, on Halloween, and David Paterson later called her and asked her not to make a hot mess of it, because of politics. Damning! Salacious! (Alex Pareene is actually following this, though, and says “David Paterson is Over,” which would be fine for just about everyone.) [Gawker] Read more on …
  true stories

EVERYONE LISTEN TO THIS ‘BOB MARSHALL': “RICHMOND — State Delegate Bob Marshall of Manassas says disabled children are God’s punishment to women who have aborted their first pregnancy.” Bob Marshall would know this, considering the several hundred abortions he had just this morning. [News Leader] Read more on …
  more targets

Tim Pawlenty Saves Minnesota From Lack Of Corporations!

Until this interstate race-to-the-bottom makes its next road trip, Minnesota will now be our Realest American state. Here’s how Timmy Pawlenty wants to eliminate his huge budget deficit (which, to be fair, is a monumentally shitty task for any governor): “Aid to cities, counties and health and human services took the deepest cuts in Pawlenty’s proposal. The governor, who is in his last year in office, pledged to protect programs for the military, veterans, public safety and money for K-12 classroom education.” No recession will postpone the Minnesota Army’s impending invasion of Michigan’s upper peninsula. Read more on Tim Pawlenty Saves Minnesota From Lack Of Corporations!…
  bipartisanship at its best

Utah Legislature Passes Non-Binding Resolution STICKIN’ IT To Commie Climate Change Fairies

Utah. It’s one of those states that we just have to deal with. Its legislature has just passed a resolution that… uh… well it tells the fedril gubmints to LAY OFF THEIR FREEDOMS and put a sock in this Climate Change scam, because look. Look at all the fukkin’ snow. Fukkin’ everywhere. Mountains, ground, trees. Highways. Understand? GET IT, GORE? AL GORE? Shoulda passed the original draft with “conspiracy” and “gravy train” in it, cuz that’s what it is, a conspiracy gravy train, Al Gore in the gravy, gravy in the train, splatterin’ all over the fukkin’ snow, hot fukkin’ snowy gravy fukkin’ Gore takin’ a bath all the way to the rich man’s bank… [Guardian] Read more on Utah Legislature Passes Non-Binding Resolution STICKIN’ IT To Commie Climate Change Fairies…
  yummy!

New Hampshire State Rep. Nancy Elliott Would Like To Discuss Same-Sex Marriage

“We’re talking about taking the penis of a man and putting it in the rectum of another man and wriggling it around in excrement. And you have to think, would I want that to be done to me?” Oof. Time for Nancy Elliott’s husband to lower his expectations. [YouTube] Read more on New Hampshire State Rep. Nancy Elliott Would Like To Discuss Same-Sex Marriage…
  great middle americans

*ALLEGED* Violent Rapey Sex Criminal Rod Jetton Dissolves Lobbying Firm

Former Missouri House Speaker Rod Jetton, who was arrested Monday night for allegedly beating the fucking shit out of a ladyfriend during a case of BDSM gone wrong — possibly because he had roofied her, which made it super hard for her to say “green balloons” during the fifth or sixth donkey punch and/or choking episode — has dissolved his lobbying firm, Jetton and Associates. According to a statement, he wants to spend more time with his family HAAHAHAH OH YES SURE YOU DO DIPSHIT. Read more on *ALLEGED* Violent Rapey Sex Criminal Rod Jetton Dissolves Lobbying Firm…
  dickcember

Former Missouri House Speaker (R) Beats Up, Chokes Mistress During Sex [UPDATE]

In an incident in which the perpetrator should have considered that he would become a household name on Wonkette before going through with it, former Missouri House Speaker Rod Jetton is facing assault charges for allegedly beating the shit out of his mistress while having sex. His ladyfriend had not uttered the “safe word,” probably because Jetton was beating her unconscious. Read more on Former Missouri House Speaker (R) Beats Up, Chokes Mistress During Sex [UPDATE]…
  no joint tax returns for you!

ALL NEW YORK GAYS SLAUGHTERED, HOORAY! The barely functional New York state senate somehow got its shit together just enough to produce an orderly vote on a piece of legislation today, and it was “the big one” to legalize gay marriage, and it lost by 10 million points, 38-24. Give that majority whip a bonus! Sorry gay people. [NYT] Read more on …
  truth to power

Hey, Buttars, Let The Kid Decide What He Wants For Himself, Okay?

Did you see this YouTube yet! It involves the latest comical statement from America’s most famous super-homophobic state senator, Chris Buttars of Utah: “I meet with the gays here and there. They were in my house two weeks ago. I don’t mind gays. But I don’t want ’em stuffing it down my throat all the time. Certainly not in my kid’s face.” Ha ha “they were in my house two weeks ago” might be better than the sexual double entendre that follows. Saw a few of ’em in mah cupboard and had to lay a few more traps; got ’em good ‘n’ scared for now, but they’ll be back. [Think Progress] Read more on Hey, Buttars, Let The Kid Decide What He Wants For Himself, Okay?…
  nation of retards

Meet America’s Greatest Colorado State Senator, Dave Schultheis

Ah, very true. It’s the only logical conclusion, that President Barack Obama wanting to pass moderate bills incentivizing environmental responsibility (and maybe creating new jobs in the process) and providing basic health insurance to 30-40 million Americans makes him just like those 9/11 hijackers, and it’s time to bumrush the cockpit and crash his Kenyan ass into the quaint Pennsylvania countryside, before he gets to Bush Junior. Colorado State Sen. Dave Schultheis meets Twitter, everyone. Read more on Meet America’s Greatest Colorado State Senator, Dave Schultheis…