Tag Archives: state department

  today in boy geniuses

Hero Utah Congressman Jason Chaffetz Outs Pretty Much Entire CIA

Jason Chaffetz, how is your MENSA membership? Still in good standing? Oh, good! Now, we know you and your brethren want to make some political hay out of the Libya fiasco. Who could blame you? Even we were like (secretly, in our brainpans), sup, did Hillz drop the ball? And if hacks like us are wondering that, then it is probably a potent issue indeed! But FIRST you admitted that actually, you and all your GOP buddies had voted specifically to cut funding for embassy security — “priorities,” you said, while accusing Chick Clinton of not having enough embassy security — and then you totally Valerie Plamed an entire CIA … platoon? Gaggle? Murder? Nipple? A nipple of CIA dudes? Well, whatever a bunch of CIA dudes would be. GOOD JOB IN YOUR PUBLIC TELEVISED HEARINGS ON MATTERS OF NATIONAL SECURITY, GENIUS. Read more on Hero Utah Congressman Jason Chaffetz Outs Pretty Much Entire CIA…
  niccccccceee

Former Iraq Ambassador Ryan Crocker Arrested For DUI, Hit-And-Run

They say that astronauts become alcoholics after returning from space, because they were in space, which was better. This is perfectly analogous to the situation of former U.S. Ambassador Ryan Crocker — the man who SAVED IRAQ along with Gen. Petraeus and then… [somethinged] Afghanistan with Gen. Petraeus — who returned from seeing constant murder everywhere in the Middle East and now just drives his car into other cars while drunk and then speeds away. (Allegedly.) Fortunately no one was hurt, but Crocker was hella arrested and will now die in jail, maybe. (He won’t). Read more on Former Iraq Ambassador Ryan Crocker Arrested For DUI, Hit-And-Run…
  derp derp where's the civility

The State Department Now Responding To ‘HILLARY VP???” Questions With Poetry

The very serious “DUMP BIDEN 4 HILLARY?” speculation that our pal Ed Henry questioned the White House press secretary about yesterday got a real kick today when author Ed Klein, who’s right up there with World Net Daily in terms of credibility, reported (/talked to his own butt) that Hillary Clinton rejected the vice presidency two weeks ago. The Weekly Standard went seeking confirmation and got a nice little poem from one of Clinton’s aides in response. Read more on The State Department Now Responding To ‘HILLARY VP???” Questions With Poetry…
  arabs under the bed

Former Bachmann Campaign Manager Ed Rollins: Unlike Michele Bachmann I Am Not Evil Or Nuts

Now that Sen. John McCain has put on his biannual Integrity Cloak again, and denounced Michele Bachmann’s Arab Hunt from the Senate floor, a few other people would like to get into the act. One is Bachmann’s former campaign manager, Ed Rollins, who also worked for Reagan and Mike Huckabee and would like you to know that, hey man, just cause he was Bachmann’s campaign manager and tried to make her president of the United States doesn’t mean he too is a dangerous nut! Read more on Former Bachmann Campaign Manager Ed Rollins: Unlike Michele Bachmann I Am Not Evil Or Nuts…
  mein tweet

U.S. Embassy in Israel Tweeting Quotes From Henry Ford, Prominent Hater of Jews

Just in case some of you aren’t reading tweets from U.S. embassies at 2 a.m., we of Your Wonkette are always On The Ball and keeping an eye on such things. And tonight, well, it got a bit silly. The U.S Embassy in Tel Aviv was tweeting up a storm — as part of their effort to advertise how great each individual state is, they posted some quotes on behalf of Michigan: “If everyone is moving forward together, then success takes care of itself,” for example. And “Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.” Lovely-enough quotes, both. They were said by prominent Michiganer Henry Ford — who is also a little famous for some of his other quotes, such as “If fans wish to know the trouble with American baseball they have it in three words—too much Jew.” Read more on U.S. Embassy in Israel Tweeting Quotes From Henry Ford, Prominent Hater of Jews…
  rumors on the internets

Women Don’t Need 3,054 Languages To Call Men Hypocrites

Can women have it all? Not yet! At least, not until I get an Iron Man suit — sorry, Iron Woman. [The Atlantic] Are liberals hypocrites about national security?! How dare you, Salon! That’s so mean! Anyway, probably. I mean, liberal Hollywood’s movie Iron Man is about an arms dealer who forgoes making weapons — to turn himself into the ultimate weapon. [Salon] Read more on Women Don’t Need 3,054 Languages To Call Men Hypocrites… Read more on Women Don’t Need 3,054 Languages To Call Men Hypocrites…
  surge protector

U.S. Scaling Down To Just 8,000 ‘Diplomats’ In Iraq Forever

One reason Americans were denied the cleansing vision of the last U.S. diplomats fleeing Baghdad by helicopter is because, haha, we sort of left the diplomats there — all 16,000 State Department personnel and military contractors and poorly disguised CIA torture spies and oil company representatives. But now, with “hard times” or whatever the current phrase to explain why the superbillionaires have whatever they want and even the American Empire must scale back, due to lack of money, Washington is planning to cut the staff and contractors in Iraq by half. Read more on U.S. Scaling Down To Just 8,000 ‘Diplomats’ In Iraq Forever…
  wonkette world o' books

Author Exposes U.S. Gov’t Cluelessness, Gets Persecuted by U.S. Gov’t

The U.S. State Department has been known to make noise about protecting free speech around the world. Writers and bloggers, the department says, should be allowed to publish their opinions even if they conflict with government dogma. But these freedoms are granted to humanity by the State Department under the strict condition that the people practicing the free speech live in a distant land, and that the government they annoy is just some bearded bogeyman religious regime like in Iran, or an inscrutable oligarchy like in China. Tell uncomfortable truths about U.S. policy, or so much as mention “Wikileaks,” and the American Authorities will hound you like a furious baboon (a furious baboon-hound, we mean). Hence the current jihad against Peter Van Buren’s We Meant Well: How I Helped Lose the Battle for the Hearts and Minds of the Iraqi People. We have read and reviewed this delightful book! Read more on Author Exposes U.S. Gov’t Cluelessness, Gets Persecuted by U.S. Gov’t…
  fuck this guy

Republican Barack Obama Says Filthy Tar Sands Pipeline Is Great

The difference between the environmental policies of Barack Obama and George W. Bush? You expected it to be bad with Bush Jr. Today, the White House is surrounded with people protesting the Keystone XL Tar Sands Pipeline. Here’s how Rep. Henry Waxman described it: “This pipeline is a multi-billion dollar investment to expand our reliance on the dirtiest source of transportation fuel currently available.” He was one of 50 in Congress to officially protest to Hillary Clinton, who as secretary of state has jurisdiction over this dirty nightmare being extended from Canada’s filthy earth-raping tar sands extraction pits to the American Midwest. Says the Politico just now: “The Obama administration is working overtime to fight the perception that it’s dissing green groups and rubber-stamping a controversial 1,700-mile oil pipeline.” Well that sounds about right for Obama, working at the last minute on the perception of something rather than its reality. Read more on Republican Barack Obama Says Filthy Tar Sands Pipeline Is Great…
  'we don't torture' ha ha remember that?

Evil Obama Now Firing People For Acting Semi-Human

Guess who turned out to be the biggest asshole in the world? Your boyfriend, Barack Obama. The latest outrage in the Bradley Manning situation involves Obama’s direct involvement in the firing of State Department spokesman P.J. Crowley — because Crowley committed the sin of condemning the torture and abuse of U.S. Army Private Bradley Manning, who has been held in increasingly Soviet-esque solitary confinement since his arrest for giving WikiLeaks the diplomatic data that has so far helped topple two Arab dictatorships and launched democratic revolutions in another half-dozen Muslim nations. Anyway, Crowley’s semi-public remarks led to a reporter finally asking Obama about Manning’s awful treatment at Quantico, and Obama sneered and said the insane abuse of this American citizen is “appropriate.” And then Crowley was fired. Read more on Evil Obama Now Firing People For Acting Semi-Human…
  lol

U.S. State Department Hilariously Announces ‘World Press Freedom Day’

The United States, which is currently engaged in a complete war against some weird guy with a website, is going to host “World Press Freedom Day,” the Department of State announced today. They’re all especially excited about protecting the flow of digital news, which is why Washington is “concerned about the determination of some governments to censor and silence individuals, and to restrict the free flow of information.” LOL. This is the same Department of State (and Justice Department and Pentagon and CIA and NATO and PayPal) trying everything to cut off WikiLeaks’ access to the Internet and its own money. Washington is also, at this moment, planning to extradite Julian Assange if it can figure out what the Swedes want. Where is Sweden, anyway? Read more on U.S. State Department Hilariously Announces ‘World Press Freedom Day’…
  eww gross yuck eww

State Department Gave 4,500 Sex Offenders Passports In 2008, Because That’s an Important Thing To Know

The Governmental Accountability Office has released a STARTLING report saying that our previously unperverse State Department gave out 4,500 passports to registered sex offenders back in 2008. How has Hillary Clinton not already been put in stocks and branded with a scarlet letter for this? Oh wait, passports are sort of a right for U.S. citizens regardless of how Polanski they have been. Read more on State Department Gave 4,500 Sex Offenders Passports In 2008, Because That’s an Important Thing To Know…
  pics or gtfo

Only The Computers Know What Osama Looks Like Nowadays

The State Department has used fancy science computers to update its file image of Osama bin Laden from 1998. In the center we have the “well, it could happen” Western-shaven Osama, while on the right we have the more traditional hobo version. Which Osama bin Laden would you fuck the most? The middle one has kind of a “Clooney thing” going on, so… no. Just no. [1010Wins via NY Mag] Read more on Only The Computers Know What Osama Looks Like Nowadays…
  terror and destruction

Butt-Licking Contractors Fired, From Afghanistan

It’s more better news for the American national interest! You may remember the above devils from earlier this year, from the ArmorGroup North America mercenary firm operating in Kabul, where they were protecting the United States embassy under a 5-year $189 million contract. These bros weren’t doing so much “guarding” as they were drinking poop-tinted vodka from each other’s butts using each other’s poop as “salsa” for their potato chips, as well as wandering around Kabul naked with assault weapons. Now that contract has been canceled, and we’re sure the folks from the replacement contracting firm will be real gentlemen. [Mother Jones] Read more on Butt-Licking Contractors Fired, From Afghanistan…
  funny pictures

Spanish Witches Attack Poor Barry Obama

You are not likely to see this in the state-controlled media, but the Spanish prime minister’s family is actually a coven of Witches, like from Hogwarts. What spells did they put on Obama with their Witch Craft? [Gawker/State Dept. Flickr] Read more on Spanish Witches Attack Poor Barry Obama…
  our boys overseas

Contractors Guarding U.S. Embassy In Kabul Love To Drink Vodka Out Of Each Others’ Anuses

The Blackwater news was, what, two years ago now, and we’re still inexplicably allowing these creepy private security companies to not only take the helm “guarding” major war zones, but to do so without *any* military supervision or need to adhere to basic laws or standards of conduct? Well THANK GOD this is the case, because the private sector works better, always, everywhere, and creates incentives for profit-minded companies to compete in the booming “who can act most retardedly and embarrassingly and illegally in a war zone” market. At the end of the day, it’s savings for the American consumer! No — scratch that: At the end of the day, it’s naked, fat contractor slobs, supposedly protecting the U.S. Embassy in Kabul, but really just drinking poop-filtered cheap vodka and chips with dip, the dip being poop, from each other’s unwiped assholes. Read more on Contractors Guarding U.S. Embassy In Kabul Love To Drink Vodka Out Of Each Others’ Anuses…