Tag Archives: state department

  'we don't torture' ha ha remember that?

Evil Obama Now Firing People For Acting Semi-Human

Guess who turned out to be the biggest asshole in the world? Your boyfriend, Barack Obama. The latest outrage in the Bradley Manning situation involves Obama’s direct involvement in the firing of State Department spokesman P.J. Crowley — because Crowley committed the sin of condemning the torture and abuse of U.S. Army Private Bradley Manning, who has been held in increasingly Soviet-esque solitary confinement since his arrest for giving WikiLeaks the diplomatic data that has so far helped topple two Arab dictatorships and launched democratic revolutions in another half-dozen Muslim nations. Anyway, Crowley’s semi-public remarks led to a reporter finally asking Obama about Manning’s awful treatment at Quantico, and Obama sneered and said the insane abuse of this American citizen is “appropriate.” And then Crowley was fired. Read more on Evil Obama Now Firing People For Acting Semi-Human…
  lol

U.S. State Department Hilariously Announces ‘World Press Freedom Day’

The United States, which is currently engaged in a complete war against some weird guy with a website, is going to host “World Press Freedom Day,” the Department of State announced today. They’re all especially excited about protecting the flow of digital news, which is why Washington is “concerned about the determination of some governments to censor and silence individuals, and to restrict the free flow of information.” LOL. This is the same Department of State (and Justice Department and Pentagon and CIA and NATO and PayPal) trying everything to cut off WikiLeaks’ access to the Internet and its own money. Washington is also, at this moment, planning to extradite Julian Assange if it can figure out what the Swedes want. Where is Sweden, anyway? Read more on U.S. State Department Hilariously Announces ‘World Press Freedom Day’…
  eww gross yuck eww

State Department Gave 4,500 Sex Offenders Passports In 2008, Because That’s an Important Thing To Know

The Governmental Accountability Office has released a STARTLING report saying that our previously unperverse State Department gave out 4,500 passports to registered sex offenders back in 2008. How has Hillary Clinton not already been put in stocks and branded with a scarlet letter for this? Oh wait, passports are sort of a right for U.S. citizens regardless of how Polanski they have been. Read more on State Department Gave 4,500 Sex Offenders Passports In 2008, Because That’s an Important Thing To Know…
  pics or gtfo

Only The Computers Know What Osama Looks Like Nowadays

The State Department has used fancy science computers to update its file image of Osama bin Laden from 1998. In the center we have the “well, it could happen” Western-shaven Osama, while on the right we have the more traditional hobo version. Which Osama bin Laden would you fuck the most? The middle one has kind of a “Clooney thing” going on, so… no. Just no. [1010Wins via NY Mag] Read more on Only The Computers Know What Osama Looks Like Nowadays…
  terror and destruction

Butt-Licking Contractors Fired, From Afghanistan

It’s more better news for the American national interest! You may remember the above devils from earlier this year, from the ArmorGroup North America mercenary firm operating in Kabul, where they were protecting the United States embassy under a 5-year $189 million contract. These bros weren’t doing so much “guarding” as they were drinking poop-tinted vodka from each other’s butts using each other’s poop as “salsa” for their potato chips, as well as wandering around Kabul naked with assault weapons. Now that contract has been canceled, and we’re sure the folks from the replacement contracting firm will be real gentlemen. [Mother Jones] Read more on Butt-Licking Contractors Fired, From Afghanistan…
  funny pictures

Spanish Witches Attack Poor Barry Obama

You are not likely to see this in the state-controlled media, but the Spanish prime minister’s family is actually a coven of Witches, like from Hogwarts. What spells did they put on Obama with their Witch Craft? [Gawker/State Dept. Flickr] Read more on Spanish Witches Attack Poor Barry Obama…
  our boys overseas

Contractors Guarding U.S. Embassy In Kabul Love To Drink Vodka Out Of Each Others’ Anuses

The Blackwater news was, what, two years ago now, and we’re still inexplicably allowing these creepy private security companies to not only take the helm “guarding” major war zones, but to do so without *any* military supervision or need to adhere to basic laws or standards of conduct? Well THANK GOD this is the case, because the private sector works better, always, everywhere, and creates incentives for profit-minded companies to compete in the booming “who can act most retardedly and embarrassingly and illegally in a war zone” market. At the end of the day, it’s savings for the American consumer! No — scratch that: At the end of the day, it’s naked, fat contractor slobs, supposedly protecting the U.S. Embassy in Kabul, but really just drinking poop-filtered cheap vodka and chips with dip, the dip being poop, from each other’s unwiped assholes. Read more on Contractors Guarding U.S. Embassy In Kabul Love To Drink Vodka Out Of Each Others’ Anuses…
  the death of fun

No Iranians Allowed At U.S. Fourth Of July Parties; Iran Reacts, ‘Fine, Losers, We Didn’t Even Want To Go’

Because the Obama Administration hates Iran’s freedoms so much, it has rescinded permission for U.S. embassies to invite Iranian diplomats to their Fourth of July parties. Come on, parents, don’t take it out on the kids! Robert Gibbs said the change in policy came about “given the events of the past many days,” referring to Mark Sanford’s cumming. State Department spokesperson Ian Kelly, however, “said no Iranians have accepted” the invitations anyway and “indicated that the U.S. saw little reason for them to, given the political crisis over their disputed presidential election.” Again: maybe they would have accepted if you had promised a Super Soaker war. They’re just like water cannons! [AP] Read more on No Iranians Allowed At U.S. Fourth Of July Parties; Iran Reacts, ‘Fine, Losers, We Didn’t Even Want To Go’…
  one or the other

Marty Peretz Has Instinctual Knowledge Of Reasons Behind Unconfirmed Firing

New Republic editor-in-chief Marty Peretz, known for his colorful view (complete hatred) of Arabs, read in an Israeli newspaper that Dennis Ross was being replaced as “Iran Czar” or whatever. Granted the State Department has denied this news report, and Dennis Ross never even held the position Peretz claims he did, but still, did Barack Obama do this because he’s an anti-Semite or a pussy or both? Read more on Marty Peretz Has Instinctual Knowledge Of Reasons Behind Unconfirmed Firing…
  the romance of diplomacy

Don’t Miss Hillary’s Duet With Nick Cave

They let Bono in the New York Times and Bob Dylan in the Pope’s castle and Beyonce in the President’s castle and Elton John into what’s her name’s funeral, so why not let Australian gloom singer Nick Cave into Hillary Clinton’s secret State Department lair? Oh wait, it’s the Libyan national security adviser? Sure, fine. Oh hey and his last name is Qadhafi … what are the chances?! [US State Dept. via Jeffrey Goldberg] Read more on Don’t Miss Hillary’s Duet With Nick Cave…
  that wasn't so hard now was it

People Like Hillary Clinton Again!

Nobody really knows what Hillary Clinton has been up to, work-wise, since she started her Secretary of State-ing a couple months ago. She went to China or somesuch, yes? And went on a bunch of international teevee programs and suffered through important geopolitical inquiries such as when she fell in love with her husband? Well, 7 in 10 of us approve of the performance of America’s top diplomat, so hooray, she will not be boiled in a cauldron of hot oil next week as previously scheduled. [CNN] Read more on People Like Hillary Clinton Again!…
  the foreigns

Meanwhile, What Is Hillary Clinton Doing These Days?

All this talk about the economy! Eh, Who cares, it’s finished, so how’s Hillary Clinton’s Dipolomatic Corps doing? She’s in Asia, you know! And oh, what a swell time she’s having, drinking tea with the Japanese royals, taking in Eastern culture, and most importantly, getting the hell out of Washington D.C. Best job in the world, and all she has to do is tell North Korea not to nuke anybody every few days. Here’s a clip from the Indonesian show Dahsyat, which is Indonesia’s version of TRL. Pick a random part of the video and watch for 30 seconds. The “Fun Part” comes at 4:30. [Daily Intel] Read more on Meanwhile, What Is Hillary Clinton Doing These Days?…
 

Clinton, McCain Join Obama’s Breached Passport Party

Barack Obama was so happy when the news about his passport breach came out yesterday — that was worth at least 10 Unfair Victim Points for him, about 30 shy of the amount he needs to bury this Jeremiah Wright hoopla. Now, however, it appears that passport breaches are not unique to him, but yet another aspect of the Old Politics: Hillary Clinton and John McCain’s passport files have also been breached! The State Department is racist, sexist and ageist. And racism and sexism are bad! Read more on Clinton, McCain Join Obama’s Breached Passport Party…
 

State Dept. Creeps Get Fired For Sneaking Peeks At Obama’s Passport

Two contract employees at the State Department accessed Barack Obama’s passport files on three separate occasions this year, and have now been fired for their “imprudent curiosity.” They accessed his file! On three separate occasions! It is a horrible breach of some sort! Wonkette demands a full independent investigation, led by Ken Starr. [AP] Read more on State Dept. Creeps Get Fired For Sneaking Peeks At Obama’s Passport…
 

Condoleezza’s Glamorous World of Dinner Parties & 9/11

Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™! Condi was back in Foggy Bottom 24/7 last week, and you know what that means: photo-ops, photo-ops, photo-ops! Indeed, the State Department’s reception room was a revolving door to all kinds of diplobots from strategically unchallenging countries. And somebody had the nerve to call Our Heroine incompetent. Why do they keep doing that? So mean! Join me after the jump for a Condiological safari through the last seven days… Read more on Condoleezza’s Glamorous World of Dinner Parties & 9/11…
 

Things To Think About

Hillary’s numbers are dropping the closer voting gets. That obviously means she’s doomed. [Wizbang Politics] Don’t like your new adopted child? Send it back! [Michelle Malkin] Iowa likes underdogs, because, you know, who the fuck wants to live in Iowa. [Political Wire] Read more on Things To Think About…
 

Blackwater Contract Shows Use of WD-40!

With a little push from the Freedom of Information Act, which we all know is pretty much useless once the man strikes all the good stuff, the State Department has released its $1.2 billion Blackwater contract. Out of 323-page document, 169 pages were blank with enough redactions to have it read like a dyslexic’s version of The Anarchist’s Cookbook. One random list simply reads: battery carrier tool, quick booster kit, heavy-duty work bench, distilled water and WD-40. Now, heads will start roll. Blackwater Contracts, Short on Detail [WaPo] Read more on Blackwater Contract Shows Use of WD-40!…
 

He’s Ba-ack

Paul Wolfowitz may be best remembered for being one of the architects of the completely unwarranted belief that the Iraqis would greet us as liberators, though some might choose to remember him as yet another Republican who basically got fired from a non-Administration job for his extracurricular activities. Condi, though, is hoping he can redeem himself somewhere other than a right -wing think tank, and is reportedly appointing him the chairman of the International Security Advisory Board at the State Department. The position, which does not require Senate approval, “advises” the Secretary of State on issues like nukes and other weapons of mass destruction. Paul is obviously an expert in WMDs, after all the ones he noticed on satellite and then found in Iraq. [Newsweek] Read more on He’s Ba-ack…
 

Building a Better Photo-Op

What has Condoleezza Rice accomplished in the past week? The answer is always the same: nothing! What has she been doing, where has she been going? Well, that’s a more complicated question. Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™! Last week was a holiday, so there wasn’t a lot of hot Condi action, so let’s take a look at her legacy, OK? Skeptics may wish to point out Dr. Ferragamo’s many failures, but there’s one area in which our beloved heroine has absolutely triumphed: Condoleezza Rice has perfected the MAPO, the matching armchairs photo-op. Join me for an in-depth look at this impressive diplomatic capability after the jump! Read more on Building a Better Photo-Op…
 

Sissybitch Diplomats No Longer Forced To Iraq

The State Department announced Monday that it had filled its vacancies at the Iraq Embassy, so, ugh, *fine*, there’ll be no mandatory service — for now. This comes in the wake of massive bitching from members of our prestigious diplomatic corps, who were worried they’d be forced to serve somewhere that could actually use them. Read more on Sissybitch Diplomats No Longer Forced To Iraq…
 

In a Newsweek interview yesterday, Condi — this woman! — said “I’m sure there are lots of things we might have done better… I’ll give you one with Iraq. If I had to do it all over again, we would have had the balance between center, local and provincial better. But that’s the kind of thing you learn over time.” Yeah, you kind of had to be there to get the whole Shi’ite/Sunni thing — it’s far worse than the friendly Presbyterian/Episcopalian sparring we’d planned for. [Newsweek] Read more on …
 

Dipnote: You Pussy Diplomats, The Anbar Party Don’t Never Stop

Foreign Service Officers (FSOs) having been bitching to high heaven ever since Condi & Her Power Friends ordered them to serve in Iraq. Fortunately the State Department has its savvy, Y2K-inspired Internet Weblog, Dipnote, to quell this undiplomatic sand-in-the-vagina-fest. Yesterday, an FSO currently serving in Iraq — he volunteered, of all things! — has a special message to his trembling colleagues in Foggy Bottom: The Marines over here think you’re “weenies.” Read more on Dipnote: You Pussy Diplomats, The Anbar Party Don’t Never Stop…