Tag Archives: state department

  document dumps

Hillary Clinton’s Emails Are Sexplosion Of Benghazi Lies, Betrayal And Glamour Shots

Giving the orders for BENGHAZI?????!?!!!!?
The day has finally come, where we get to begin feasting at the buffet of Hillary Clinton’s emails! Will we find the underage sex slaves and the Russian blackmail? Will we finally find a bad thing for Rand Paul to use against her, because he is too lazy to find one himself? Will we find the email confirmations from Travelocity, for a quick there-and-back trip to Benghazi, so she could personally murder the American ambassador herself??? Read more on Hillary Clinton’s Emails Are Sexplosion Of Benghazi Lies, Betrayal And Glamour Shots…
  Reagan didn't die on the cross for this!

Russia’s In Ur White House Computers, Snoopin All Ur Sextings

Look, Natasha! Is Taco Tuesday every week!
CNN reported Tuesday that Russian hackers broke into an unclassified White House computer system last fall, and while they didn’t break into any classified systems, they still “had access to sensitive information such as real-time non-public details of the president’s schedule,” which security expert people told CNN is “still highly sensitive and prized by foreign intelligence agencies[.]” What we really want to know, though, is whether the Russkies had access to scheduling advice given to President Obama by his astrologer. Read more on Russia’s In Ur White House Computers, Snoopin All Ur Sextings…
  you got servered

Hillary Clinton Don’t Give A Sh*t

Hillary Clinton, she’s this lady, you might have heard of her. Former senator and secretary of state, might be prezzy maybe, puts off liberals by being all centrist, puts off conservatives by having a vagina and a mouth at the same time. Read more on Hillary Clinton Don’t Give A Sh*t…
  Clintongate Part Whatever

Hillary Clinton Did An Email Thing That May Or May Not Be Wrong, And The NYT Is ON IT

Maybe not so ready for planet Hillary yet
The New York Times reported an explosive breaking exclusive ZOMG! Clinton scandal on Monday night, so turn on the Drudge Siren and grab your splooge sock because CLINTON SCANDAL!!!! Hillary Rodham Clinton exclusively used a personal email account to conduct government business as secretary of state, State Department officials said, and may have violated federal requirements that officials’ correspondence be retained as part of the agency’s record. Read more on Hillary Clinton Did An Email Thing That May Or May Not Be Wrong, And The NYT Is ON IT…
  florida man does congress

New Florida Congress-Idiot Thinks State Department Officials Are From India

Can we have some cooperation?
Curt Clawson, the Tea Party doofus who replaced coke-fueled cokehead Trey Radel, is doing his best to preserve Florida’s reputation. At a House Foreign Affairs Committee hearing Thursday, he mistook two senior U.S. government officials for Indian diplomats, because they’re brown and have those funny foreign names, and went on at great length about how cool he thinks India is before expressing his hope that our two countries will continue to have good relations. That’s one way to get name recognition, we suppose. Read more on New Florida Congress-Idiot Thinks State Department Officials Are From India…
  our men in baghdad

Blackwater Employee In Iraq’s Foolproof Job Security Plan: Threaten To Kill People Who Wanted To Fire Him

The mercenaries of Blackwater are truly the gift that keeps on giving. Why, they couldn’t stop giving bullets to a bunch of poor Iraqi civilians back in 2007, to mention just one of many, many, many incidents, and a few of them are finally standing trial for it. Now some State Department documents related to the case have leaked, and wouldn’t you know it, when they weren’t busy murdering Iraqi civilians, these charming gentlemen out of Graham Greene’s worst nightmares were threatening the lives of a couple of State employees charged with making sure they were doing their jobs. Let us descend into this script treatment for a terrible Oliver Stone movie together. Read more on Blackwater Employee In Iraq’s Foolproof Job Security Plan: Threaten To Kill People Who Wanted To Fire Him…
  the cause of and solution to all diplomatic problems

Obama’s State Department Full Of Gutter Alcoholics

We are in the wrong bidness. For serious, we thought that blogging meant we could be drunk all the time (check), work in our pajamas (check), and rant semi-coherently with terible grammer (check and check). BUT YOU GUYS, we are officially quitting and joining the State Department, because you gotta see their benefits. As the government shutdown neared, the State Department splurged on $180,000 worth of liquor. Booze. Mommyblogger’s little helper. Whatever you want to call it. And that’s only PART of their liquor total for the year, which topped $400,000. Fuck this blogging shit — we are moving to Foggy Bottom to live the good life with Secretary Kerry.  Read more on Obama’s State Department Full Of Gutter Alcoholics…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Index Of Idjits

Hi-diddly-ho, Wonkerinos, and welcome to another installment of Derp Roundup, the feature where we scrape up a bunch of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth a full post of their own. It’s like Thanksgiving leftovers that have sat out too long, except they were kind of rotten to begin with. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Index Of Idjits…
  it starts when you're always afraid

Have A Great Weekend, Try Not To Get Murdered In The Terror Plots!

The State Department is closing a bunch of embassies on Sunday — which is also Barack Obama’s birthday, or so he says — and has issued a travel alert for all Americans traveling abroad, especially in the Middle East, due to some kind of increased threat, possibly from homofascists but more likely from actual scary terrorists in maybe Yemen. CNN says probably Yemen, so who knows, probably the Boston Police have a suspect in custody already. Read more on Have A Great Weekend, Try Not To Get Murdered In The Terror Plots!…
  dirka dirka!

How Is The House GOP Helping Al Qaeda And Terrorism Today?

Don’t look now, but the House GOP is doing its best to help radical Islamist jihadists gain followers in war-torn Syria. The Duece!, you say? And you thought that the GOP was the party of pew pew pew, anti-terrorist Team America Fuck Yeah, huh? Then why are they working so hard to make it so easy for pro-Al-Queda types to recruit? Perhaps because they are FUCKING IDIOTS WHO DON’T KNOW A GODDAM THING ABOUT HOW THE WORLD WORKS. In a nutshell, radical, pro-Al-Queda types in Syria are doing their damndest to feed a very hungry population in order to win over folks. Meanwhile, the House GOP is doing their damndest to cut funding for food aid and foreign aid. Wonder how this story ends. Buckle your safety-belts, Wonketeers, because there’s a wonksplanaiton straight ahead.  Read more on How Is The House GOP Helping Al Qaeda And Terrorism Today?…
  less aid more aids

Ambitious GOP Tires Of Screwing Domestic Poors, Broadens Sights To Poors Of Whole Wide World

It’s another day on Capitol Hill, so you know what that means: time for the GOP to find new ways to dick over the poor. Apparently growing bored trying to deny health care to poor Americans, the GOP is setting its greedy black-hearted sights on a larger market: the global poors. According to The Hill: House Republicans on Thursday unveiled a 2014 spending bill with a 26 percent cut to foreign aid. It seems that Republicans will do everything in their power to ensure that the words of Jesus remain true: The poor will always be with you. We’re not theology majors in the Seekrit Wonket Chatcave, but we are pretty sure this ain’t what JC had in mind. Let’s wonksplore how the GOP is making sure that people are born, live and die in poverty, thanks be to god.  Read more on Ambitious GOP Tires Of Screwing Domestic Poors, Broadens Sights To Poors Of Whole Wide World…
  Lies Damn Lies And Benghazi

Republicans Fabricated Smoking Gun Emails They Maybe Illegally Leaked; Forgot To Add Smoking Gun

First, a disclaimer: We, like you, are so. Fucking. Tired! of Benghazi. If Republicans had just taken our advice, they would not be suffering in the polls because they are wasting everyone’s time, and we would not be weeping into our latte because we have to keep struggling to wring a few drops of funny out of this fucking nothingburger of a non-anything story. But this was too good to pass up: Not only were the “smoking gun” Benghazi emails that leaked this week actually devoid of anything that could be called a “smoking gun,” we now know that a) they were mostly just made up, and b) they came directly from unnamed Republican sources. Read more on Republicans Fabricated Smoking Gun Emails They Maybe Illegally Leaked; Forgot To Add Smoking Gun…
  we can totally tell

Daily Caller Writer Was Just Asking Responsible Questions About Hillary Clinton Faking It

Jim Treacher, who periodically writes incredibly stupid shit at the Daily Caller Media Foundation Trademark, is now demanding the real birth certificate for Hillary Clinton’s concussion or something, and DEMANDS RESPECT FOR HIS CRUSADE. A few weeks ago, when Hillary’s people said she wouldn’t be testifying about Benghazi because she’d fallen down and hit her head, I did exactly what our moral, ethical, and intellectual betters in the media would have done if Secretary Clinton were a Republican: I asked to see the medical report. I didn’t accuse her of faking her injury. I didn’t call it a hoax. I merely showed skepticism about the claims of a career politician who was missing her second opportunity in a row to testify about her department’s utter negligence and ineptitude in Benghazi. Now, of course, lazy hacks are accusing me of doing the very thing I went out of my way not to do. Right…in general, when you’re not accusing someone of lying, you ask them for the private medical records to prove the thing you have no reason to doubt, but don’t believe because they’re probably lying, which is not what you’re saying at all.  At all.  Especially when you quote an article that says Clinton’s concussion “looks like avoidance of responsibility to preserve her own political viability” and then you say “[i]t certainly does.”  That’s not accusing someone of engaging in a self-serving lie, it’s just accusing them of being dishonest to…serve their own purposes. Totes diff. (To be fair, Treacher has a lot of reason to hate the State Department, considering a State Department SUV hit him while he was crossing the street and caused him permanent physical damage.  But maybe you take that guy off the State Department beat, hm?) Read more on Daily Caller Writer Was Just Asking Responsible Questions About Hillary Clinton Faking It…
  For Once We're Rooting For The CIA Guys

Intelligence Community Points Out Fox Was Kinda Lying About Benghazi This Whole Time

As you may have noticed, the Wingnut Noise Machine is seriously pushing the notion that President Obama deliberately sat back and did nothing when a Libyan militia attacked the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi on Sept. 11, apparently because he is either incompetent (the “charitable” view) or because he just plain hates America that much (the “reasonable doubt exists” view). It turns out that, according to intelligence officials, CIA agents stationed in Benghazi actually did come to the aid of the Consulate, as did a second CIA team sent from Tripoli, and Libyan military forces helped the surviving Americans get to the airport to escape after the attack. The officials also directly refuted Fox News’ claims that the CIA was ordered to “stand down,” and also dismissed the notion that airstrikes could have helped anyone in the consulate: “Let’s say we were able to get an aircraft there. Do you go in and start strafing a populated area without knowing where friend or foe is?” a senior Defense official asked. “If you did that, you could kill the very people you are trying to help.” Read more on Intelligence Community Points Out Fox Was Kinda Lying About Benghazi This Whole Time…
  today in boy geniuses

Hero Utah Congressman Jason Chaffetz Outs Pretty Much Entire CIA

Jason Chaffetz, how is your MENSA membership? Still in good standing? Oh, good! Now, we know you and your brethren want to make some political hay out of the Libya fiasco. Who could blame you? Even we were like (secretly, in our brainpans), sup, did Hillz drop the ball? And if hacks like us are wondering that, then it is probably a potent issue indeed! But FIRST you admitted that actually, you and all your GOP buddies had voted specifically to cut funding for embassy security — “priorities,” you said, while accusing Chick Clinton of not having enough embassy security — and then you totally Valerie Plamed an entire CIA … platoon? Gaggle? Murder? Nipple? A nipple of CIA dudes? Well, whatever a bunch of CIA dudes would be. GOOD JOB IN YOUR PUBLIC TELEVISED HEARINGS ON MATTERS OF NATIONAL SECURITY, GENIUS. Read more on Hero Utah Congressman Jason Chaffetz Outs Pretty Much Entire CIA…
  niccccccceee

Former Iraq Ambassador Ryan Crocker Arrested For DUI, Hit-And-Run

They say that astronauts become alcoholics after returning from space, because they were in space, which was better. This is perfectly analogous to the situation of former U.S. Ambassador Ryan Crocker — the man who SAVED IRAQ along with Gen. Petraeus and then… [somethinged] Afghanistan with Gen. Petraeus — who returned from seeing constant murder everywhere in the Middle East and now just drives his car into other cars while drunk and then speeds away. (Allegedly.) Fortunately no one was hurt, but Crocker was hella arrested and will now die in jail, maybe. (He won’t). Read more on Former Iraq Ambassador Ryan Crocker Arrested For DUI, Hit-And-Run…
  derp derp where's the civility

The State Department Now Responding To ‘HILLARY VP???” Questions With Poetry

The very serious “DUMP BIDEN 4 HILLARY?” speculation that our pal Ed Henry questioned the White House press secretary about yesterday got a real kick today when author Ed Klein, who’s right up there with World Net Daily in terms of credibility, reported (/talked to his own butt) that Hillary Clinton rejected the vice presidency two weeks ago. The Weekly Standard went seeking confirmation and got a nice little poem from one of Clinton’s aides in response. Read more on The State Department Now Responding To ‘HILLARY VP???” Questions With Poetry…
  arabs under the bed

Former Bachmann Campaign Manager Ed Rollins: Unlike Michele Bachmann I Am Not Evil Or Nuts

Now that Sen. John McCain has put on his biannual Integrity Cloak again, and denounced Michele Bachmann’s Arab Hunt from the Senate floor, a few other people would like to get into the act. One is Bachmann’s former campaign manager, Ed Rollins, who also worked for Reagan and Mike Huckabee and would like you to know that, hey man, just cause he was Bachmann’s campaign manager and tried to make her president of the United States doesn’t mean he too is a dangerous nut! Read more on Former Bachmann Campaign Manager Ed Rollins: Unlike Michele Bachmann I Am Not Evil Or Nuts…
  mein tweet

U.S. Embassy in Israel Tweeting Quotes From Henry Ford, Prominent Hater of Jews

Just in case some of you aren’t reading tweets from U.S. embassies at 2 a.m., we of Your Wonkette are always On The Ball and keeping an eye on such things. And tonight, well, it got a bit silly. The U.S Embassy in Tel Aviv was tweeting up a storm — as part of their effort to advertise how great each individual state is, they posted some quotes on behalf of Michigan: “If everyone is moving forward together, then success takes care of itself,” for example. And “Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.” Lovely-enough quotes, both. They were said by prominent Michiganer Henry Ford — who is also a little famous for some of his other quotes, such as “If fans wish to know the trouble with American baseball they have it in three words—too much Jew.” Read more on U.S. Embassy in Israel Tweeting Quotes From Henry Ford, Prominent Hater of Jews…
  rumors on the internets

Women Don’t Need 3,054 Languages To Call Men Hypocrites

Can women have it all? Not yet! At least, not until I get an Iron Man suit — sorry, Iron Woman. [The Atlantic] Are liberals hypocrites about national security?! How dare you, Salon! That’s so mean! Anyway, probably. I mean, liberal Hollywood’s movie Iron Man is about an arms dealer who forgoes making weapons — to turn himself into the ultimate weapon. [Salon] Read more on Women Don’t Need 3,054 Languages To Call Men Hypocrites… Read more on Women Don’t Need 3,054 Languages To Call Men Hypocrites…
  surge protector

U.S. Scaling Down To Just 8,000 ‘Diplomats’ In Iraq Forever

One reason Americans were denied the cleansing vision of the last U.S. diplomats fleeing Baghdad by helicopter is because, haha, we sort of left the diplomats there — all 16,000 State Department personnel and military contractors and poorly disguised CIA torture spies and oil company representatives. But now, with “hard times” or whatever the current phrase to explain why the superbillionaires have whatever they want and even the American Empire must scale back, due to lack of money, Washington is planning to cut the staff and contractors in Iraq by half. Read more on U.S. Scaling Down To Just 8,000 ‘Diplomats’ In Iraq Forever…
  wonkette world o' books

Author Exposes U.S. Gov’t Cluelessness, Gets Persecuted by U.S. Gov’t

The U.S. State Department has been known to make noise about protecting free speech around the world. Writers and bloggers, the department says, should be allowed to publish their opinions even if they conflict with government dogma. But these freedoms are granted to humanity by the State Department under the strict condition that the people practicing the free speech live in a distant land, and that the government they annoy is just some bearded bogeyman religious regime like in Iran, or an inscrutable oligarchy like in China. Tell uncomfortable truths about U.S. policy, or so much as mention “Wikileaks,” and the American Authorities will hound you like a furious baboon (a furious baboon-hound, we mean). Hence the current jihad against Peter Van Buren’s We Meant Well: How I Helped Lose the Battle for the Hearts and Minds of the Iraqi People. We have read and reviewed this delightful book! Read more on Author Exposes U.S. Gov’t Cluelessness, Gets Persecuted by U.S. Gov’t…