Tag Archives: state department

  Journalism is haaaaard

New York Times Sorry For Sucking At Journalism, Again

Sorry not sorry
Our esteemed newspaper of record told a riveting EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT NEW YORK TIMES! tale last week about a criminal inquiry into Hillary Clinton’s mishandling of classified information with her personal email. And except for how it wasn’t about Clinton mishandling classified information, and the information wasn’t classified at the time, and the inquiry wasn’t criminal, it was all true! Which is why the Times quietly changed its story overnight to be slightly less inaccurate in its telling of this WHOA IF TRUE! story of Clinton criming while Clinton. And then it changed the story again. And then it published a “correction” about how the original headline and story were not exactly right, but it’s all good now, Pulitzers please! Read more on New York Times Sorry For Sucking At Journalism, Again…
  journamalism

New York Times Writes Badass Slash Fiction About Hillary Clinton Criminal Investigation

Delete your account, NYT
In its pathological Liberal Media quest to catch Billary Clinton Doing Some Kind of Bad Thing That Is Bad Maybe, the New York Times published a devastating, campaign-destroying, earth-shattering, game-changing, smoking gun GOTCHA! story late Thursday night, and it was Not Excellent News for Hillary: Read more on New York Times Writes Badass Slash Fiction About Hillary Clinton Criminal Investigation…
  Freedumb Fighter

American Dude Will Beat ISIS All By Himself If He Has To, Please Send Money

He's one serious guy
When Yr. Wonkette runs stories about our Liberty-loving pals in the militia crowd, who totally want to play soldier and keep America safe from Tyranny and Obama’s plans to destroy America, someone in the comments usually asks “If these guys want to be in a war so bad, why don’t they go to Syria and actually join up?” Now, the obvious answer is that most of them would rather defend Liberty from the comfort of their keyboard, with occasional camping trips to the Bundy Ranch or other flashpoints of federal overreach. But some guys actually do go Over There to start up their own little ISIS-fighting militias, and Mother Jones has one hell of a story about one of these wannabe Freedom Fighters, Matthew VanDyke, a guy who was born in Baltimore and is now making the rounds of rightwing media trying to raise money for an ISIS-destroyin’ Christian army in Syria — never mind that he may not really know what he’s doing or that the whole operation may be in violation of U.S. law. Read more on American Dude Will Beat ISIS All By Himself If He Has To, Please Send Money…
  Oh great here's another maybe thing

Is Hillary Clinton World’s Evilest Arms Dealer Ever? Maybe!

Up to no good, maybe or maybe not
At last, a Hillary Clinton ZOMGgate story that might actually be a thing! (Or might not. You never know with those wily Clintons, which is why it’s generally best to assume guilty until proven otherwise.) According to an exhaustive trillion-word report by the International Business Times, the Clinton State Department authorized approximately eleventeen metric fucktons of defense contracts between corporations and countries that, coincidentally uh huh sure right, happened to donate a whole bunch of money to the Clinton Foundation and to Bill Clinton (that’s her husband) for doing his high-priced speechifying thing: Read more on Is Hillary Clinton World’s Evilest Arms Dealer Ever? Maybe!…
  document dumps

Hillary Clinton’s Emails Are Sexplosion Of Benghazi Lies, Betrayal And Glamour Shots

Delete your account, NYT
The day has finally come, where we get to begin feasting at the buffet of Hillary Clinton’s emails! Will we find the underage sex slaves and the Russian blackmail? Will we finally find a bad thing for Rand Paul to use against her, because he is too lazy to find one himself? Will we find the email confirmations from Travelocity, for a quick there-and-back trip to Benghazi, so she could personally murder the American ambassador herself??? Read more on Hillary Clinton’s Emails Are Sexplosion Of Benghazi Lies, Betrayal And Glamour Shots…
  Reagan didn't die on the cross for this!

Russia’s In Ur White House Computers, Snoopin All Ur Sextings

Look, Natasha! Is Taco Tuesday every week!
CNN reported Tuesday that Russian hackers broke into an unclassified White House computer system last fall, and while they didn’t break into any classified systems, they still “had access to sensitive information such as real-time non-public details of the president’s schedule,” which security expert people told CNN is “still highly sensitive and prized by foreign intelligence agencies[.]” What we really want to know, though, is whether the Russkies had access to scheduling advice given to President Obama by his astrologer. Read more on Russia’s In Ur White House Computers, Snoopin All Ur Sextings…
  you got servered

Hillary Clinton Don’t Give A Sh*t

Hillary Clinton, she’s this lady, you might have heard of her. Former senator and secretary of state, might be prezzy maybe, puts off liberals by being all centrist, puts off conservatives by having a vagina and a mouth at the same time. Read more on Hillary Clinton Don’t Give A Sh*t…
  Clintongate Part Whatever

Hillary Clinton Did An Email Thing That May Or May Not Be Wrong, And The NYT Is ON IT

Here's your gender card right here
The New York Times reported an explosive breaking exclusive ZOMG! Clinton scandal on Monday night, so turn on the Drudge Siren and grab your splooge sock because CLINTON SCANDAL!!!! Hillary Rodham Clinton exclusively used a personal email account to conduct government business as secretary of state, State Department officials said, and may have violated federal requirements that officials’ correspondence be retained as part of the agency’s record. Read more on Hillary Clinton Did An Email Thing That May Or May Not Be Wrong, And The NYT Is ON IT…
  florida man does congress

New Florida Congress-Idiot Thinks State Department Officials Are From India

Can we have some cooperation?
Curt Clawson, the Tea Party doofus who replaced coke-fueled cokehead Trey Radel, is doing his best to preserve Florida’s reputation. At a House Foreign Affairs Committee hearing Thursday, he mistook two senior U.S. government officials for Indian diplomats, because they’re brown and have those funny foreign names, and went on at great length about how cool he thinks India is before expressing his hope that our two countries will continue to have good relations. That’s one way to get name recognition, we suppose. Read more on New Florida Congress-Idiot Thinks State Department Officials Are From India…
  our men in baghdad

Blackwater Employee In Iraq’s Foolproof Job Security Plan: Threaten To Kill People Who Wanted To Fire Him

The mercenaries of Blackwater are truly the gift that keeps on giving. Why, they couldn’t stop giving bullets to a bunch of poor Iraqi civilians back in 2007, to mention just one of many, many, many incidents, and a few of them are finally standing trial for it. Now some State Department documents related to the case have leaked, and wouldn’t you know it, when they weren’t busy murdering Iraqi civilians, these charming gentlemen out of Graham Greene’s worst nightmares were threatening the lives of a couple of State employees charged with making sure they were doing their jobs. Let us descend into this script treatment for a terrible Oliver Stone movie together. Read more on Blackwater Employee In Iraq’s Foolproof Job Security Plan: Threaten To Kill People Who Wanted To Fire Him…
  the cause of and solution to all diplomatic problems

Obama’s State Department Full Of Gutter Alcoholics

We are in the wrong bidness. For serious, we thought that blogging meant we could be drunk all the time (check), work in our pajamas (check), and rant semi-coherently with terible grammer (check and check). BUT YOU GUYS, we are officially quitting and joining the State Department, because you gotta see their benefits. As the government shutdown neared, the State Department splurged on $180,000 worth of liquor. Booze. Mommyblogger’s little helper. Whatever you want to call it. And that’s only PART of their liquor total for the year, which topped $400,000. Fuck this blogging shit — we are moving to Foggy Bottom to live the good life with Secretary Kerry.  Read more on Obama’s State Department Full Of Gutter Alcoholics…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Index Of Idjits

Hi-diddly-ho, Wonkerinos, and welcome to another installment of Derp Roundup, the feature where we scrape up a bunch of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth a full post of their own. It’s like Thanksgiving leftovers that have sat out too long, except they were kind of rotten to begin with. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Index Of Idjits…
  it starts when you're always afraid

Have A Great Weekend, Try Not To Get Murdered In The Terror Plots!

The State Department is closing a bunch of embassies on Sunday — which is also Barack Obama’s birthday, or so he says — and has issued a travel alert for all Americans traveling abroad, especially in the Middle East, due to some kind of increased threat, possibly from homofascists but more likely from actual scary terrorists in maybe Yemen. CNN says probably Yemen, so who knows, probably the Boston Police have a suspect in custody already. Read more on Have A Great Weekend, Try Not To Get Murdered In The Terror Plots!…
  dirka dirka!

How Is The House GOP Helping Al Qaeda And Terrorism Today?

Don’t look now, but the House GOP is doing its best to help radical Islamist jihadists gain followers in war-torn Syria. The Duece!, you say? And you thought that the GOP was the party of pew pew pew, anti-terrorist Team America Fuck Yeah, huh? Then why are they working so hard to make it so easy for pro-Al-Queda types to recruit? Perhaps because they are FUCKING IDIOTS WHO DON’T KNOW A GODDAM THING ABOUT HOW THE WORLD WORKS. In a nutshell, radical, pro-Al-Queda types in Syria are doing their damndest to feed a very hungry population in order to win over folks. Meanwhile, the House GOP is doing their damndest to cut funding for food aid and foreign aid. Wonder how this story ends. Buckle your safety-belts, Wonketeers, because there’s a wonksplanaiton straight ahead.  Read more on How Is The House GOP Helping Al Qaeda And Terrorism Today?…
  less aid more aids

Ambitious GOP Tires Of Screwing Domestic Poors, Broadens Sights To Poors Of Whole Wide World

It’s another day on Capitol Hill, so you know what that means: time for the GOP to find new ways to dick over the poor. Apparently growing bored trying to deny health care to poor Americans, the GOP is setting its greedy black-hearted sights on a larger market: the global poors. According to The Hill: House Republicans on Thursday unveiled a 2014 spending bill with a 26 percent cut to foreign aid. It seems that Republicans will do everything in their power to ensure that the words of Jesus remain true: The poor will always be with you. We’re not theology majors in the Seekrit Wonket Chatcave, but we are pretty sure this ain’t what JC had in mind. Let’s wonksplore how the GOP is making sure that people are born, live and die in poverty, thanks be to god.  Read more on Ambitious GOP Tires Of Screwing Domestic Poors, Broadens Sights To Poors Of Whole Wide World…
  Lies Damn Lies And Benghazi

Republicans Fabricated Smoking Gun Emails They Maybe Illegally Leaked; Forgot To Add Smoking Gun

First, a disclaimer: We, like you, are so. Fucking. Tired! of Benghazi. If Republicans had just taken our advice, they would not be suffering in the polls because they are wasting everyone’s time, and we would not be weeping into our latte because we have to keep struggling to wring a few drops of funny out of this fucking nothingburger of a non-anything story. But this was too good to pass up: Not only were the “smoking gun” Benghazi emails that leaked this week actually devoid of anything that could be called a “smoking gun,” we now know that a) they were mostly just made up, and b) they came directly from unnamed Republican sources. Read more on Republicans Fabricated Smoking Gun Emails They Maybe Illegally Leaked; Forgot To Add Smoking Gun…