These news trucks are parked outside Hillary Clinton’s (and our) hotel in Philadelphia, on Broad Street. That is corrupt City Hall in the background, the evil gothic thing. What else is happening in Philadelphia today? Much of it involves Thomas Jefferson, penis food, sparkly voting signs and Star Wars musicals. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have been overrun by this strange City on a Landfill. MORE »

SAFE … FOR NOW: The Pentagon claims it shot down the Satellite of Death about an hour ago, somewhere west of Hawaii (coincidence?), and now we will not die, at least not tonight, because it’s pretty much tomorrow already. ALSO: Did you people see that Blood Red Lunar Eclipse? Awesomeness. [CNN/AP}

NASA is rushing the Space Shuttle Atlantis back to Earth on Wednesday so the mad scientists at the Pentagon can try to shoot a monstrous poisonous spy satellite out of the sky before it crashes back to America and kills us all. The broken 5,000-lb. space robot is completely out of control and is spinning back to its planetary home far faster than originally guessed, which is why the Defense Department needs to shoot a war missile into space this Thursday to blow up the thing and scare the bejesus out of all the other nations of Earth.

The situation is so grim that the already dangerous space shuttle needs to get out of orbit and land before this doomed Star Wars exercise that will probably fill low-Earth orbit with tons of deadly space junk that will make it impossible for Earthlings to ever escape this imperiled planet. That’s why NASA is preparing for landings at either Kennedy Space Center in Florida or Edwards AFB in California’s Mojave Desert. The shuttle has three landing windows before the Pentagon begins its Space Assault.

Also, Wednesday night will feature an ominous Full Moon Lunar Eclipse, so the Moon will turn blood red at 10 p.m. Eastern (7 p.m. Pacific Time) and remind us all of our fate, which is too terrible to mention.

Satellite Shooting Is Next As Shuttle Heads Home [NY Times]

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As Washington and Moscow trade threats about nuking each other from space or whatever, there is another Cold War brewing aboard the doomed International Space Station. The Russian “cosmo”-nauts all have handguns up there! MORE »

As proven by this photograph from Rudy Giuliani’s Wednesday campaign appearance in Sioux City, there is actually a political demographic for the opera-loving cross-dressing Manhattan fascist. Unfortunately for him and fortunately for the rest of us, they are adult Star Wars fanatics, and there are only about a dozen of them in each state.

Giuliani fits River-Cade parade in at last minute [Sioux City Journal]

* Heard on the Hill: Steny Hoyer’s dog died… “Naked pictures posted on the Internet of an aide to Missouri Gov. Matt Blunt (R), son of House Minority Whip Roy Blunt (R)” are all over the internets… John Boehner can’t pronounce “Tuskegee.” … Stephanie Herseth is now Stephanie Herseth Sandlin. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Fred Thompson has had some very bad roles in some very bad movies… There are still-living people on these Star Wars stamps!!! (Though their careers aren’t HA!) [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Don’t worry, Michael Steele fans: he will lose a race for something again very soon… Obama’s book to be translated into Spanish… Kucinich: J/k, don’t actually “monitor” the other candidates. We’re all friends! Would you like a vegan brownie? [Examiner]
* Washington Whispers: Here comes Tenet’s book… Here comes the Susan McDougal movie… Condoleezza Rice: “I’m better in the morning than I am at 9 o’clock at night.” [USN&WR]

The U.S. Postal Service’s latest bold plan to avoid delivering mail has come to Washington. That’s right, nerds: There are mailboxes clumsily disguised as the world’s most beloved robot friend! MORE »

In honor of Lucasfilm buying off the U.S. Postal Service for a promotional stunt, 400 mailboxes have been decorated with shrink wrap that vaguely resembles the possibly fictional droid R2D2. A few of these “Star Wars” mail receptacles will be placed in 200 cities so we can all dream of a postal service run by cute helpful tireless servants rather than surly incompetent civil servants. MORE »

• Dennis Hastert may look like “a cross between actor Wilford Brimley and Jabba the Hutt,” but “nobody really fears him.” [WP]

• Tony Snow is the first White House press secretary to make fund raising appearances. He’ll quit if it interferes “with his day job.” [NYT]
• Republicans are “effectively conceding some Senate and House seats with the goal of retaining at least a thin margin of control when the 110th Congress is seated next January.” [NYT]
• Forsaken by leaders, the GOP tries to save Santorum with grassroots efforts. [LAT]
• For insurance companies, American farms themselves are the cash crop. [WP]
• Majority of Americans don’t vote in midterm elections due to restrictive registration rules, spite. [WSJ]
• No deaths reported in yesterday’s powerful earthquake in Hawaii. [USAT]

It’s time once again for resident cartoon expert the Comics Curmudgeon to analyze Today’s Cartoons for your amusement and horror.

This week, Cartoon Violence tackles, uh… well, it’s hard to say. Because none of these cartoons make any sense. But he does his best, little trooper. It’s all after the jump.

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From the Wikipedia entry on the Israel-Lebanon conflict, earlier today (since fixed). MORE »