Wonkette

Oh look what Alaskan numbskull Sarah Palin is wearing now: It’s an Imperial death smock, just like what’s his name, Peter Cushing, wore in the fascist movie Star Wars. Tomorrow, inevitably, she will wear a bear suit. [Gawker]

• HEY GEORGE LUCAS, IS OBAMA A SPACE JEDI?: “I would say that’s reasonably obvious.” HOYVIN-GLAYVIN! [Yeas & Nays]

We used this same movie picture yesterday when the Associated Press erroneously reported that Hillary would concede in her speech last night. It only makes sense to use it again, because, as all Americans know, you have to destroy two (2) Death Stars to take down an Empire. We assume Hillary understands this, and that’s why we “trust” this latest report that Hillary will concede by Friday at a gathering of her top supporters. Meanwhile, Barack Obama will be celebrating his Victory with fuzzy Ewoks at a bonfire in his native Kenya. [ABC News]

George Lucas, who created Star Wars and Raiders of the Lost Ark three decades ago and has spent all his time since then trying to ruin them, says his new hero is Barack Obama. In Japan promoting the latest Indiana Jones movie, the Lucasfilm billionaire said he loves Barry so much because “for all of us that have dreams and hope, is a hero.” (?) Lucas says he’s working on a “prequel” about when Obama’s dad was a goat-riding archaeologist on his home planet of Tatooine, where he found a bunch of dumb CGI monsters from space. The computer program Jar Jar Binks will do all the acting. [AFP]

America is back! Our astronauts floating in that useless goddamned tin can that uselessly orbits around the Earth forever can finally take off their shitty diapers and use a toilet again. This is because Our Government sent one of its three unexploded space shuttles up to low-earth orbit, at a cost of Many Billions of Dollars, to deliver a new toilet from Home Depot. That’s one small shit for man, and one giant shit for mankind. [AP/Google]

WEDNESDAY FUN LINK: “HOLYHEAD, Wales - A man who dressed up as Darth Vader — wearing a garbage bag for a cape — and assaulted the founders of a group called the Jedi church was given a suspended sentence Tuesday.” This will happen everyday in Paulville. MORE »

“Well, the Empire doesn’t consider a small one-man fighter to be any threat, or they’d have a tighter defense. An analysis of the plans provided by Joe Andrew has demonstrated a weakness in the battle station. But the approach will not be easy. You are required to maneuver straight down this trench and skim the surface to this point. The target area is only two meters wide. It’s a small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port. The shaft leads directly to the reactor system. A precise hit will start a chain reaction which should destroy the station. Only a precise hit will set off a chain reaction. The shaft is ray-shielded, so you’ll have to use proton torpedoes.”

These news trucks are parked outside Hillary Clinton’s (and our) hotel in Philadelphia, on Broad Street. That is corrupt City Hall in the background, the evil gothic thing. What else is happening in Philadelphia today? Much of it involves Thomas Jefferson, penis food, sparkly voting signs and Star Wars musicals. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have been overrun by this strange City on a Landfill. MORE »

SAFE … FOR NOW: The Pentagon claims it shot down the Satellite of Death about an hour ago, somewhere west of Hawaii (coincidence?), and now we will not die, at least not tonight, because it’s pretty much tomorrow already. ALSO: Did you people see that Blood Red Lunar Eclipse? Awesomeness. [CNN/AP}

NASA is rushing the Space Shuttle Atlantis back to Earth on Wednesday so the mad scientists at the Pentagon can try to shoot a monstrous poisonous spy satellite out of the sky before it crashes back to America and kills us all. The broken 5,000-lb. space robot is completely out of control and is spinning back to its planetary home far faster than originally guessed, which is why the Defense Department needs to shoot a war missile into space this Thursday to blow up the thing and scare the bejesus out of all the other nations of Earth.

The situation is so grim that the already dangerous space shuttle needs to get out of orbit and land before this doomed Star Wars exercise that will probably fill low-Earth orbit with tons of deadly space junk that will make it impossible for Earthlings to ever escape this imperiled planet. That’s why NASA is preparing for landings at either Kennedy Space Center in Florida or Edwards AFB in California’s Mojave Desert. The shuttle has three landing windows before the Pentagon begins its Space Assault.

Also, Wednesday night will feature an ominous Full Moon Lunar Eclipse, so the Moon will turn blood red at 10 p.m. Eastern (7 p.m. Pacific Time) and remind us all of our fate, which is too terrible to mention.

Satellite Shooting Is Next As Shuttle Heads Home [NY Times]

MORE »

As Washington and Moscow trade threats about nuking each other from space or whatever, there is another Cold War brewing aboard the doomed International Space Station. The Russian “cosmo”-nauts all have handguns up there! MORE »

As proven by this photograph from Rudy Giuliani’s Wednesday campaign appearance in Sioux City, there is actually a political demographic for the opera-loving cross-dressing Manhattan fascist. Unfortunately for him and fortunately for the rest of us, they are adult Star Wars fanatics, and there are only about a dozen of them in each state.

Giuliani fits River-Cade parade in at last minute [Sioux City Journal]

* Heard on the Hill: Steny Hoyer’s dog died… “Naked pictures posted on the Internet of an aide to Missouri Gov. Matt Blunt (R), son of House Minority Whip Roy Blunt (R)” are all over the internets… John Boehner can’t pronounce “Tuskegee.” … Stephanie Herseth is now Stephanie Herseth Sandlin. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Fred Thompson has had some very bad roles in some very bad movies… There are still-living people on these Star Wars stamps!!! (Though their careers aren’t HA!) [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Don’t worry, Michael Steele fans: he will lose a race for something again very soon… Obama’s book to be translated into Spanish… Kucinich: J/k, don’t actually “monitor” the other candidates. We’re all friends! Would you like a vegan brownie? [Examiner]
* Washington Whispers: Here comes Tenet’s book… Here comes the Susan McDougal movie… Condoleezza Rice: “I’m better in the morning than I am at 9 o’clock at night.” [USN&WR]

The U.S. Postal Service’s latest bold plan to avoid delivering mail has come to Washington. That’s right, nerds: There are mailboxes clumsily disguised as the world’s most beloved robot friend! MORE »