Tag Archives: stand your ground

  you get a racist! and you get a racist!

Zimmerman Bestie Shockingly Uses Racist Slurs On Oprah, Like WTF-Level Racist

George Zimmerman Fan Club President Frank Taaffe, HLN’s go-to source for commentary on the joys of killing black children armed self defense against thugs, sometimes is accused of racism. As open- and fair-minded lieburals, we are careful about throwing that sort of terminology around, because the TRUE danger to American society, the REAL racism, is…hang on a sec. This just in. Frank Taaffe called TV’s Oprah Winfrey that n-word. Repeatedly. OK, never mind, let’s strap into this shitbird. Read more on Zimmerman Bestie Shockingly Uses Racist Slurs On Oprah, Like WTF-Level Racist…
  glockblockers

Gun-Loving Georgia House Passes Defense Of Gun Love Act

Hello, lover. Have you sometimes felt outcast for your love? Do others not understand you, do they think your love is somehow “wrong” or “immoral”? Has your state or city passed laws restricting your love, or banning its open expression? Yes? Well, come to Georgia, baby. We know how you feel, and we’re open and welcoming to your love and your loved ones. We, too, enjoy grasping a smooth, hard cylinder, sliding it into a well-oiled orifice, and anticipating the shock of discharge … oh, we better slow down. Gettin’ steamy in here. You know what we’re talking about. We’re talking about guns, yeah. Georgia won’t make you keep your love in the closet, not if the state Senate OKs a bill the House passed Tuesday. The bill, which passed by a mainly partisan, 119-56 lover-vs.-hater margin, would make Georgia’s already laid-back concealed weapons laws even chiller. Read more on Gun-Loving Georgia House Passes Defense Of Gun Love Act…
  how's that wellregulated militia workin' out for ya?

Oh, Look, More Terrible People With Terrible Defenses Of ‘Stand Your Ground’

We are now officially in the “Stupid people make us want to scream” portion of the Michael Dunn trial, when every moron possible will try to outdo the last. For starters, how about Florida state Rep. Matt Gaetz, who disagreed with the verdict and believes Dunn should have been found guilty of murder, but couldn’t just stop there, of course. He had to add that the state’s “Stand Your Ground” law is pretty excellent, all in all: “I don’t think anyone is going to nominate George Zimmerman or Michael Dunn for person of the year,” Gaetz explained to CNN host Carol Costello. “But I think, overall, the Stand Your Ground law has worked for the state of Florida. If you look at the five years preceding Stand Your Ground’s passage, the murder rate was on the rise Florida every year. Since we passed Stand Your Ground, the murder rate had declined every year.” Causation: how does it work? Murder rates have been declining nationwide, regardless of whether states have SYG. But then Gaetz had to top himself and claim that Stand Your Ground is also Good For The Blacks: Read more on Oh, Look, More Terrible People With Terrible Defenses Of ‘Stand Your Ground’…
  time for some kittens

12 People Pretty Sure This Fellow Tried To Kill All These Children, Not Sure About The One He Succeeded With

The jury in the Michael Dunn case — the man in Florida who fired 10 shots at a car full of teenagers because they were black he was “scared” of their loud music, before heading back to his hotel, ordering a pizza, and declining to phone up the police — has come back with guilty verdicts for four charges of shooting a gun and attempted murder (the teenagers he did not succeed in killing), and a hung jury on murder in the first degree (the boy he did). This means they also deadlocked on lesser included charges, such as manslaughter — meaning at least one person on the jury agreed that Michael Dunn was reasonably scared for his life while shooting 10 bullets at a car speeding away, and with no return fire. Jordan Davis would have been 19 tomorrow. Read more on 12 People Pretty Sure This Fellow Tried To Kill All These Children, Not Sure About The One He Succeeded With…
  man with a gun

How Many Sociopaths Did It Take To Kill This Unarmed Black Boy? One, And That’s Not Funny

We have not been posting anything about the trial of Michael Dunn, the Responsible Gun Owner who shot 17-year-old Jordan Davis to death after an argument about loud music. Mostly because the story is depressing and really not funny. In November 2012, Dunn pulled into a Jacksonville, Florida, convenience store parking lot, got into an argument about the volume of the music coming from the stereo of an SUV parked next to him, and ended up firing 10 rounds into the side of the SUV, killing Davis, because Dunn claims he saw the kid had a gun. Which turned out not to exist. And then Dunn and his girlfriend went back to their motel, ordered pizza, got a good night’s sleep (cause shooting people is hard work) and drove home 130 miles to South Patrick Shores in Brevard County. Finally, he called police, though probably not until he made sure his socks were rolled up neatly and back in his dresser. So you can see why we have not been treating this story as Comedy Gold. But now that the testimony in the trial has wrapped up, we need to address this horrible story. Will it be funny? Haha, no! Read more on How Many Sociopaths Did It Take To Kill This Unarmed Black Boy? One, And That’s Not Funny…
  our cold dead cans

Florida Gun Owner Wants Florida To Regulate Backyard Shooting Ranges, Ha Ha Yeah As If

Doug Varrieur genuinely seems like a responsible gun owner. When he learned that the state of Florida permits near-unrestricted gunplay on one’s own property, he was naturally excited to set up some cans and start shooting. But! Before doing this, he made sure to construct a sturdy backstop to prevent the slaughter of innocents. He wasn’t required to; the law is pretty much just “Have fun and don’t let a cop see you do something stupid,” but Varrieur is a rare sort: A Florida gun enthusiast and backyard shooter who wants more regulations on guns. For safety. In Florida. [Varrieur] made a list of requirements he thinks should be included in the statute for non-rural residences. They include requirements about backstops, targets, the distance that bullets can travel, the time of day shots can be fired and the types of weapons and ammunition that can be used. He doesn’t think it is safe to use high-powered rifles and armor-piercing bullets at your home. Doug Varrieur for President of Florida, please. Read more on Florida Gun Owner Wants Florida To Regulate Backyard Shooting Ranges, Ha Ha Yeah As If…
  marlin brandish

NRA Helpfully Writes Florida’s Exciting New Warning Shots Bill, What Could Go Wrong?

The National Rifle Association, as we all know, is a benevolent group that just wants to make sure that every American gets the chance to marry the gun or guns of their choice. So it’s not too surprising to learn that the NRA literally wrote the text for a new bill that would expand Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” law to protect people who fire warning shots or wave a gun around, just as long as they have a really good reason to do so. Like, for instance, being white and seeing some scary black teenagers who might do the knockout game all over you, we guess. Read more on NRA Helpfully Writes Florida’s Exciting New Warning Shots Bill, What Could Go Wrong?…
  please use a silencer during the film

Heroic Armed Citizen Stops Movie Texting With Gun, Murder

Curtis Reeves, a Responsible Gun Owner in Wesley Chapel, Florida, was ready to defend himself when he went to a matinee showing of “Lone Survivor” Monday — ignoring the Grove 16 Theaters’ ban on carrying weapons in the auditorium, no doubt because he knew, as do all Responsible Gun Owners, that mass killers target Gun-Free Zones specifically because they know they won’t face an armed citizen who can stop them. Or maybe because as a retired Tampa Police captain, Reeves just felt better carrying a gun. And so, when he got into an argument with Chad Oulson over Oulson’s texting during the previews, Reeves was ready for action, and after the argument escalated and Oulson threw popcorn at him, Reeves pulled his gun and shot Oulson dead. Oulson’s wife Nicole was wounded when she raised her hand in front of her husband; the round went through her hand and killed him. Just before Reeves shot him, Oulson reportedly said that he was texting his 3-year-old daughter. Isn’t the Second Amendment a wonderful thing? Read more on Heroic Armed Citizen Stops Movie Texting With Gun, Murder…
  elephant in the quiet room

Ted Cruz To ALEC: ‘Stand Your Ground.’ ALEC To Ted Cruz: Whatchoo Talkin’ ‘Bout?

Now, look, Ted Cruz, just because the American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC) wrote model “stand your ground” legislation that got adopted by a whole bunch of states , that doesn’t mean they want you going around reminding people of that, OK? On Thursday, Sen. Cruz (R-Poutine) gave a speech at the group’s winter meeting, and got big applause with this line: “My advice to ALEC is very, very simple: Stand your ground.” (applause, whoops, etc.) Read more on Ted Cruz To ALEC: ‘Stand Your Ground.’ ALEC To Ted Cruz: Whatchoo Talkin’ ‘Bout?…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Gun Fun Roundup, American Exceptionalism Edition

Greetings from Wonkette’s brand new Bunker O’ Love, the underground safe room on our Idaho compound where we go to write about guns, gun accessories, and how they have made America great. Today, we have several tales of Great Americans using their guns for personal protection while keeping them in reserve to rise up against the oppressive Federal Government Tyranny that is right around the corner. Let’s see what America’s responsible gun owners are up to this week! Read more on Gun Fun Roundup, American Exceptionalism Edition…
  america's manliest artist

Instead of Trying To Be Funny About Ted Cruz Lecturing Trayvon Martin’s Mom, Here Is A Stand Your Ground Painting Instead

We couldn’t think of a way to make a joke about yesterday’s spectacle of Sen. Ted Cruz and other Republicans lecturing Trayvon Martin’s mother, Sybrina Fulton, about how “Stand Your Ground” laws have actually been good for black people. So instead, here’s something far easier to laugh at: “Stand Your Ground,” an inspirational painting by Constitution artist and great novelist Jon McNaughton. Subtle, isn’t it? Read more on Instead of Trying To Be Funny About Ted Cruz Lecturing Trayvon Martin’s Mom, Here Is A Stand Your Ground Painting Instead…
  double standard your ground

Florida Woman Who Got 20 Years For Shooting Wall Gets New Trial

Here’s one to file under “Justice Delayed, but not nearly as long as we’d have guessed”: Marissa Alexander, the Florida woman who was sentenced to 20 years in prison after firing a warning shot into a wall to scare aware her (allegedly) abusive husband, will get a new trial. Alexander’s sentence got national attention because it seemed a weird contrast to George Zimmerman’s acquittal after killing Trayvon Martin — if you shoot somebody and claim self defense, that’s cool with Florida courts, but if you shoot a wall to scare an abusive spouse away, you get 20 years? Read more on Florida Woman Who Got 20 Years For Shooting Wall Gets New Trial…
  parties of mass destruction

Florida Man Cites ‘Bush Doctrine’ After Shooting Neighbors; Judge Undecided On Whether Dick Cheney Can Testify

Hey Florida! How’s it hanging? Kinda loose, and to the right of unfathomable idiot-crazy just like always maybe? Taking a cue from both Stand Your Ground and the Bush Doctrine (yes, the Bush Doctrine, just wait) Florida man William T. Woodward did the only thing he could to defend himself from imminent danger, he “snuck up” on three of his neighbors and unleashed a campaign of shock and awe on their Labor Day backyard barbecue in the form of over 50 rounds, killing two and severely injuring the third (the “shot him 11 times” kind of injured). Read more on Florida Man Cites ‘Bush Doctrine’ After Shooting Neighbors; Judge Undecided On Whether Dick Cheney Can Testify…
  collateral damage

George Zimmerman’s Wife Second Amendmented Their Marriage Night Before He Shot Trayvon Martin

In an interview with ABC News, George Zimmerman’s wife Shellie acknowledged that she had left her husband the night before he shot and killed Trayvon Martin. Oh, and she left because they had an argument, and was staying at her father’s house the night of the shooting. But when reporter Christi O’Connor asked for details, Ms. Zimmerman declined to answer: “Does George have a temper? How volatile did it get the evening before?” asked O’Connor. “Not going to answer that,” responded Zimmerman. So, nothing to change the irrefutable fact that Trayvon Martin was a violent gangster thug who attacked a law-abiding good guy who, thank god, was able to defend himself. Read more on George Zimmerman’s Wife Second Amendmented Their Marriage Night Before He Shot Trayvon Martin…
  Won't someone please think of the men even more?

Men’s Rights Activists Invite Men To ‘Stand Their Ground’ Against Uppity Women, What Could Possibly Be Wrong With That?

You know how men are the real victims of domestic violence and rape and sexism and discrimination and everything else? Hey, stop laughing, it’s true! It says so on some websites created by men for men. It is a FACT that since creation, women have ruled everything and forced the weaker sex — men, obviously — to live under the oppressive thumb of the matriarchy, subject to all manner of violence and sometimes commercials on television that make men look like morons and/or potential rapists. It is awful. It is the worst. But finally, finally, there is something men can do to stand up against the misandry and fight back. They can stand their ground. No, not the kind where you hunt down a black kid in a hoodie and kill him dead because his candy looks threatening. The kind where you add your name to a letter, which is like shooting someone but WITH WORDS. For all of you bitter divorced dads out there who can’t believe you have to pay child support because the goddamned feminists and also you heard about a guy whose wife slapped him once, there is finally a safe space for you. Read more on Men’s Rights Activists Invite Men To ‘Stand Their Ground’ Against Uppity Women, What Could Possibly Be Wrong With That?…
  muddle she wrote

Zimmerman Juror: Oh Yeah He Was Super Guilty, Sorry About That, You Guys

Pretty much everybody reacted with horror and disgust when that one juror in the Zimmerman trial went on a media blitz, said all sorts of awful things, and was shamed into silence, all within three days of the verdict. We all thought, “Oh, wow, with people like her on juries, we are SO SCREWED!” Remember? So now, here comes another Zimmerman juror, and who seems far nicer and thoughtfuller, and she says she thinks George Zimmerman “got away with murder,” but also that under Florida law she had no choice but to acquit, even though she feels terrible about it, and we are left saying “Oh, wow, if Florida law makes a conviction impossible, even with people like her on juries, we are SO SCREWED!” Read more on Zimmerman Juror: Oh Yeah He Was Super Guilty, Sorry About That, You Guys…
  you should see what she pulls out for ding dong ditch

Old Lady Arrested Like Common Criminal Just For Standing Her Driveway’s Ground

You are riding down a lonely road, somewhere in the rural South, let us call it “Tennessee.” You decide, because you have never seen a horror movie, that you will take the “scenic route,” and while you are at it, why not go into the basement alone? We’re sure your wife and kids will be just fine while you investigate that clanking noise. But oh, no! Who’s a-comin’? It is Granny, to shoot you dead, because Granny is a homicidal maniac, because “Stand Your Ground,” and did we mention “the South”? But of course, you are thinking, Granny up there had every right to shoot people in her basement investigating clanking sounds, because of how we said you were in the basement investigating clanking sounds, because of how we are a liar. Actually, Granny fired shots into your car full of man, wife and five kids, out of mortal fear for the life of her driveway. Read more on Old Lady Arrested Like Common Criminal Just For Standing Her Driveway’s Ground…
  mystery wrapped in an enigma dipped in walnuts

John McCain’s Meds: A Speculative Review

Senator John McCain is doing that thing again, bouncing between that “senior statesman” image that he’s fond of, and sliding back into the petty, crotchety grumpbag persona that he seems to relish almost as much, maybe more. Sunday, he was back to Voice of Reason mode again, telling CNN that he thinks “stand your ground” laws should be reconsidered and that he found Barack Obama’s recent speech on race “very impressive.” The only real question is whether McCain’s periodic flashes of reasonableness occur when he’s taking mood stabilizers or when he’s free of chemical influence altogether. Read more on John McCain’s Meds: A Speculative Review…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Guns Don’t Kill People, People Shooting Guns Kill People: Your Week In Hilarious Gun Death News

Greetings faithful Wonkettes! What a perfect crapstorm of a week in guns, what with people shooting unarmed people and then other people screaming that they were justified and courts agreeing and then the rest of us bleeding from our ear holes, because of all the screaming. But under all the screaming there were a couple of things going on that, well, pretty much kept the status quo in place as far as gun laws were concerned. So we hope you all took your beta-blockers this morning or you have some nitroglycerin handy because it is time once again for one of our periodic tours through the precincts of BLARGHHH GLURRRRG GUNS SECOND AMENDMENT SLUUUURGLE SNARL FREEDOM! Read more on Guns Don’t Kill People, People Shooting Guns Kill People: Your Week In Hilarious Gun Death News…
  speechless

George Zimmerman Acquitted, Satire Not Yet Possible

George Zimmerman has been found not guilty of second degree murder in the February 26, 2012 shooting of Trayvon Martin. There’s eventually going to be plenty of idiotic stuff that will be said about this by the usual people — Tucker Carlson’s Internet Dry Heave ‘n’ Dogwhistle Repository is undoubtedly writing most of Wonkette’s content for the coming week at this moment — but for right now, we’re feeling more than a little sick to our stomach. Wingnuts have been spending the last few weeks salivating over the prospect of riots in the wake of a not guilty verdict; let’s hope that they end up disappointed. Already tonight, we’ve had the obscenity of Zimmerman’s defense attorneys playing the role of Sore Winners, calling Zimmerman’s prosecution “disgraceful” and claiming that if George Zimmerman had been black, he “never would have been charged with a crime,” which are certainly comments worth mocking, once we’re finished being nauseated at them. It’s America in 2013, and 6 Florida jurors just said it’s OK to kill a black 17 year old if you’re really scared of black 17 year olds. And now we’re going to have another wave of triumphal gun-buying. Read more on George Zimmerman Acquitted, Satire Not Yet Possible…
  guns or butterball

Zimmerman Defense Team: Our Guy Is A Pudgy Loser So He Had To Shoot That Super-Fit Black Kid

Apparently basing their strategy on the old line about how God created man and Samuel Colt made them equal, George Zimmerman’s lawyers are arguing that Trayvon Martin was some kind of black superman who had to be shot because Zimmerman was a blobby tub of goo who couldn’t take the teen in a fair fight. No really, that is what they are saying! Prosecution Defense* witness Dennis Root, a “former law enforcement officer who testified as an expert on defensive use of force,” said so in court and everything, according to Fox News: “Mr. Martin was a physically active and capable person,” said Root, who probed both Martin’s and Zimmerman’s physical conditioning and fighting prowess on behalf of the defense team. “Mr. Zimmerman is an individual who is by no stretch of the imagination an athlete, and … he would find himself lacking when compared to Mr. Martin.” It is not known whether the wimp defense will win over the jury, but it is almost certain to reinforce Fox News viewers’ already-deep sense of identification with Mr. Zimmerman. Read more on Zimmerman Defense Team: Our Guy Is A Pudgy Loser So He Had To Shoot That Super-Fit Black Kid…
  this whole court is out of order!

George Zimmerman Was Understandably Threatened By Trayvon Martin’s Cell Phone Picture Of A Gun

George Zimmerman’s attorneys have found the smoking gun, you guys. You see, it was totally warranted for their client to murder a 17-year-old boy, whom he’d been following, at night, and who then may have jumped him and kicked his ass while he was being followed by a strange man, because that boy once texted pictures of a handgun, and himself with gold teeth, and marijuana, and also he got in a fight at school. Guilty? FUCK YEAH! Read more on George Zimmerman Was Understandably Threatened By Trayvon Martin’s Cell Phone Picture Of A Gun…