Tag Archives: stand your ground

  still not funny

You Should Listen To This Responsible Gun Owner Murder These Teenagers, Even Though You Do Not Want To

Yesterday, we introduced you to the hip new trend: luring teenagers into your garage and lying in wait for them to burgle, so you can shoot them! How can you be a good guy with a gun if the bad guys don’t come around, for you to shoot them! Oddly, the police and prosecutors in Montana and Minnesota arrested the good guys with guns, just because they they murdered a bunch of teenagers, even though it was in their own homes and “castle doctrine” blah blah blah. The police were like, you seem to have been a little too excited about the shooting people and ground-standing and maybe opening your garage door, putting a purse in front of it, and then BLAM BLAM BLAMMING a high school student was a little much, see? One of the cases resulted in a conviction Tuesday (heads-up to Gawker, dude isn’t on trial, he’s already guilty). That case was Byron Smith of Little Falls, Minnesota, who claimed self-defense after lying in wait for a neighbor girl he suspected of being involved in a rash of break-ins, with a tarp at the ready to protect his basement rec-room floor, and then shooting her and her friend very very dead. Now a judge has released the audio. Do you have to listen to it? Maybe you do not love hearing teens murdered. But we actually think it is important to bear witness to the lengths to which Responsible Gun Owners will go to have their murder cake and eat their self defense too. Read more on You Should Listen To This Responsible Gun Owner Murder These Teenagers, Even Though You Do Not Want To…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

These People Trapping And Shooting These Teenagers Are Not Very Nice, No, Not At All

The law is a grand thing, a collection of not merely statutes, but also precedents from previous cases, and when a legal innovation comes along, sometimes there have to be a few test cases to determine the boundaries of that new law. Do Nazis have the right to march in Skokie? (yes) Can ‘intelligent design’ be taught as science? (no) Just how black dangerous-seeming does someone have to be before it’s legal to shoot them on your property, and if you really really want to shoot a criminal, any criminal, can you lay out a trap to entice one onto your property? (undetermined) Thankfully, with a lot of states broadening the scope of what counts as “self defense,” several brave Responsible Gun Owners have taken to killing folks for the sake of finding out what kinds of homicide are justified. No applause necessary; these everyday Second Amendment Heroes just see it as their civic duty. Read more on These People Trapping And Shooting These Teenagers Are Not Very Nice, No, Not At All…
  stand your y-axis

Reuters’ Cool Upside-Down Chart Makes ‘Stand Your Ground’ Look Awesome

Now here’s an impressive-looking chart from Reuters that was all over the Twitterverse this weekend. Quick — after Florida adopted “Stand Your Ground” in 2005, did gun deaths increase or decrease? Well of course they decreased, says your brain, which learned to read charts in elementary school — look at that awesome downward slope in the numbers, because a line on a chart going down always indicates a decrease in something, which is why a slope like that in a New Yorker cartoon about Wall Street would be followed by a banker jumping out a window. And then of course you look at what the chart “actually” says, and notice that “zero” is at the top of the chart, and you realize gun deaths increased sharply — but by now the cartoon banker has gone splat (we can always get more off a desert island cartoon). Read more on Reuters’ Cool Upside-Down Chart Makes ‘Stand Your Ground’ Look Awesome…
  bill of rights shoot-out

Florida Lege Fixing ‘Stand Your Ground’ Law By Keeping Journalists From Reporting On It

The geniuses in the Florida Legislature are going to pass some important improvements to the state’s “Stand Your Ground” law. First off, they’re going to fix it so that you can fire a warning shot or wave a gun around for emphasis without any criminal penalty, because sometimes you don’t actually need deadly force (not that there’s anything wrong with deadly force, but you should have options). And another provision in that bill, passed by the House last Thursday, would also make it harder to report on such shootings by expunging the records in any case where charges are dropped because of a Stand Your Ground defense. For some reason, journalists think this is a bad idea. Probably because they don’t appreciate the important role that the Second Amendment has played in freedom of the press. It’s not like there are any other amendments. Read more on Florida Lege Fixing ‘Stand Your Ground’ Law By Keeping Journalists From Reporting On It…
  child killer available for your next event -- call now

Crowd Of Almost 20 Lines Up To Meet George Zimmerman At Florida Gun Show

Poor George Zimmerman is a victim once more, this time of a callous public that failed to turn out at a gun show to meet him and get his autograph. Don’t people understand that if George Zimmerman isn’t constantly applauded for his brave ground-standing, the spark of freedom will be extinguished and he might have to get a job? Read more on Crowd Of Almost 20 Lines Up To Meet George Zimmerman At Florida Gun Show…
  double standard your ground

Florida Woman In ‘Stand Your Ground’ Retrial Faces Late-Term Abortion Of Justice, Also 60 Years

Straight from our “You have GOT to be fucking kidding me” desk: Marissa Alexander, the Florida woman sentenced to 20 years in prison for firing three warning shots into the wall of her home while escaping from her (allegedly) abusive husband, is moving toward a new trial, so that is the good news, insofar as there is any good news in this insane case. This being Florida, of course, there is also a “however”: thanks to another ruling in a completely separate case, and the fact that she is not a white man shooting unarmed children, Alexander will now face triple the prison time — 60 years, not 20 — if she’s convicted. Let us unravel the whole sordid mess; we encourage you to drink and/or to remove any breakables from the immediate area. Read more on Florida Woman In ‘Stand Your Ground’ Retrial Faces Late-Term Abortion Of Justice, Also 60 Years…
  now how much would you pay?

The Cooch Will Sell You Shooting-An-Unarmed-Black-Boy Insurance In Case You Shoot An Unarmed Black Boy

It is pretty hard for a Second Amendment Patriot to live in this nation of jackbooted thugs grabbin’ our guns every time we accidentally shoot our drinking buddy to death, after already having domestic violenced our girlfriend, and shot at another drinking buddy but without accidentally killing him, oh and also we are blind. Oh wait, we forgot: in that case we get to keep our guns. But even so, that guy, who — we repeat — killed one man, beat the shit out of his girlfriend, shot 15 rounds at another dude, and GOT TO KEEP HIS GUNS, had to spend a lot of money on lawyers and stuff, and how is that even fair? Well Ken Cuccinelli, former Virginia attorney general and a gubernatorial candidate so bad he lost to Terry McAuliffe, has got himself an awesome little small business now, doin’ small business, creatin’ some jerbs (for Ken Cuccinelli), and that small business is being a lawyer who helps you get out of all your terrible gun-related crimes, that you did, with a gun. And he’s got a pretty sweet little way to help you plan ahead, for when you figure you might, accidentally, through no fault of your own, shoot and kill another human being, at a later date. It is so terribly important, like the queers in the Boy Scouts say, to Be Prepared. Read more on The Cooch Will Sell You Shooting-An-Unarmed-Black-Boy Insurance In Case You Shoot An Unarmed Black Boy…
  don't need to see your ground to stand it

Who Will Florida Blind Guy Who Killed Drinkin’ Buddy Kill Next?

A legally blind Florida man who shot a houseguest/drinking buddy to death during a fight in 2012, then was acquitted under the state’s “stand your ground” law, has won a lawsuit asking to have his guns returned to him. It is not known whether the guns suffered from having been away from their rightful owner. John Wayne Rogers, of Geneva, Florida, shot James DeWitt one fine morning after he, Dewitt, and Dewitt’s girlfriend got back from a beer run — Rogers told Dewitt to leave the house, Dewitt refused, so Rogers did what any reasonable person would do in the situation — he went and grabbed his rifle from his bedroom. When he returned, Dewitt charged him, and Rogers shot him dead. Under Florida law, that’s standing your ground, even though Rogers left and came back with a gun. There was no flag on the play, so Rogers got the first down, and DeWitt stayed that way. Read more on Who Will Florida Blind Guy Who Killed Drinkin’ Buddy Kill Next?…
  you get a racist! and you get a racist!

Zimmerman Bestie Shockingly Uses Racist Slurs On Oprah, Like WTF-Level Racist

George Zimmerman Fan Club President Frank Taaffe, HLN’s go-to source for commentary on the joys of killing black children armed self defense against thugs, sometimes is accused of racism. As open- and fair-minded lieburals, we are careful about throwing that sort of terminology around, because the TRUE danger to American society, the REAL racism, is…hang on a sec. This just in. Frank Taaffe called TV’s Oprah Winfrey that n-word. Repeatedly. OK, never mind, let’s strap into this shitbird. Read more on Zimmerman Bestie Shockingly Uses Racist Slurs On Oprah, Like WTF-Level Racist…
  glockblockers

Gun-Loving Georgia House Passes Defense Of Gun Love Act

Hello, lover. Have you sometimes felt outcast for your love? Do others not understand you, do they think your love is somehow “wrong” or “immoral”? Has your state or city passed laws restricting your love, or banning its open expression? Yes? Well, come to Georgia, baby. We know how you feel, and we’re open and welcoming to your love and your loved ones. We, too, enjoy grasping a smooth, hard cylinder, sliding it into a well-oiled orifice, and anticipating the shock of discharge … oh, we better slow down. Gettin’ steamy in here. You know what we’re talking about. We’re talking about guns, yeah. Georgia won’t make you keep your love in the closet, not if the state Senate OKs a bill the House passed Tuesday. The bill, which passed by a mainly partisan, 119-56 lover-vs.-hater margin, would make Georgia’s already laid-back concealed weapons laws even chiller. Read more on Gun-Loving Georgia House Passes Defense Of Gun Love Act…
  how's that wellregulated militia workin' out for ya?

Oh, Look, More Terrible People With Terrible Defenses Of ‘Stand Your Ground’

We are now officially in the “Stupid people make us want to scream” portion of the Michael Dunn trial, when every moron possible will try to outdo the last. For starters, how about Florida state Rep. Matt Gaetz, who disagreed with the verdict and believes Dunn should have been found guilty of murder, but couldn’t just stop there, of course. He had to add that the state’s “Stand Your Ground” law is pretty excellent, all in all: “I don’t think anyone is going to nominate George Zimmerman or Michael Dunn for person of the year,” Gaetz explained to CNN host Carol Costello. “But I think, overall, the Stand Your Ground law has worked for the state of Florida. If you look at the five years preceding Stand Your Ground’s passage, the murder rate was on the rise Florida every year. Since we passed Stand Your Ground, the murder rate had declined every year.” Causation: how does it work? Murder rates have been declining nationwide, regardless of whether states have SYG. But then Gaetz had to top himself and claim that Stand Your Ground is also Good For The Blacks: Read more on Oh, Look, More Terrible People With Terrible Defenses Of ‘Stand Your Ground’…
  time for some kittens

12 People Pretty Sure This Fellow Tried To Kill All These Children, Not Sure About The One He Succeeded With

The jury in the Michael Dunn case — the man in Florida who fired 10 shots at a car full of teenagers because they were black he was “scared” of their loud music, before heading back to his hotel, ordering a pizza, and declining to phone up the police — has come back with guilty verdicts for four charges of shooting a gun and attempted murder (the teenagers he did not succeed in killing), and a hung jury on murder in the first degree (the boy he did). This means they also deadlocked on lesser included charges, such as manslaughter — meaning at least one person on the jury agreed that Michael Dunn was reasonably scared for his life while shooting 10 bullets at a car speeding away, and with no return fire. Jordan Davis would have been 19 tomorrow. Read more on 12 People Pretty Sure This Fellow Tried To Kill All These Children, Not Sure About The One He Succeeded With…
  man with a gun

How Many Sociopaths Did It Take To Kill This Unarmed Black Boy? One, And That’s Not Funny

We have not been posting anything about the trial of Michael Dunn, the Responsible Gun Owner who shot 17-year-old Jordan Davis to death after an argument about loud music. Mostly because the story is depressing and really not funny. In November 2012, Dunn pulled into a Jacksonville, Florida, convenience store parking lot, got into an argument about the volume of the music coming from the stereo of an SUV parked next to him, and ended up firing 10 rounds into the side of the SUV, killing Davis, because Dunn claims he saw the kid had a gun. Which turned out not to exist. And then Dunn and his girlfriend went back to their motel, ordered pizza, got a good night’s sleep (cause shooting people is hard work) and drove home 130 miles to South Patrick Shores in Brevard County. Finally, he called police, though probably not until he made sure his socks were rolled up neatly and back in his dresser. So you can see why we have not been treating this story as Comedy Gold. But now that the testimony in the trial has wrapped up, we need to address this horrible story. Will it be funny? Haha, no! Read more on How Many Sociopaths Did It Take To Kill This Unarmed Black Boy? One, And That’s Not Funny…
  our cold dead cans

Florida Gun Owner Wants Florida To Regulate Backyard Shooting Ranges, Ha Ha Yeah As If

Doug Varrieur genuinely seems like a responsible gun owner. When he learned that the state of Florida permits near-unrestricted gunplay on one’s own property, he was naturally excited to set up some cans and start shooting. But! Before doing this, he made sure to construct a sturdy backstop to prevent the slaughter of innocents. He wasn’t required to; the law is pretty much just “Have fun and don’t let a cop see you do something stupid,” but Varrieur is a rare sort: A Florida gun enthusiast and backyard shooter who wants more regulations on guns. For safety. In Florida. [Varrieur] made a list of requirements he thinks should be included in the statute for non-rural residences. They include requirements about backstops, targets, the distance that bullets can travel, the time of day shots can be fired and the types of weapons and ammunition that can be used. He doesn’t think it is safe to use high-powered rifles and armor-piercing bullets at your home. Doug Varrieur for President of Florida, please. Read more on Florida Gun Owner Wants Florida To Regulate Backyard Shooting Ranges, Ha Ha Yeah As If…
  marlin brandish

NRA Helpfully Writes Florida’s Exciting New Warning Shots Bill, What Could Go Wrong?

The National Rifle Association, as we all know, is a benevolent group that just wants to make sure that every American gets the chance to marry the gun or guns of their choice. So it’s not too surprising to learn that the NRA literally wrote the text for a new bill that would expand Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” law to protect people who fire warning shots or wave a gun around, just as long as they have a really good reason to do so. Like, for instance, being white and seeing some scary black teenagers who might do the knockout game all over you, we guess. Read more on NRA Helpfully Writes Florida’s Exciting New Warning Shots Bill, What Could Go Wrong?…
  please use a silencer during the film

Heroic Armed Citizen Stops Movie Texting With Gun, Murder

Curtis Reeves, a Responsible Gun Owner in Wesley Chapel, Florida, was ready to defend himself when he went to a matinee showing of “Lone Survivor” Monday — ignoring the Grove 16 Theaters’ ban on carrying weapons in the auditorium, no doubt because he knew, as do all Responsible Gun Owners, that mass killers target Gun-Free Zones specifically because they know they won’t face an armed citizen who can stop them. Or maybe because as a retired Tampa Police captain, Reeves just felt better carrying a gun. And so, when he got into an argument with Chad Oulson over Oulson’s texting during the previews, Reeves was ready for action, and after the argument escalated and Oulson threw popcorn at him, Reeves pulled his gun and shot Oulson dead. Oulson’s wife Nicole was wounded when she raised her hand in front of her husband; the round went through her hand and killed him. Just before Reeves shot him, Oulson reportedly said that he was texting his 3-year-old daughter. Isn’t the Second Amendment a wonderful thing? Read more on Heroic Armed Citizen Stops Movie Texting With Gun, Murder…