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Posts Tagged ‘staff’

MAUDLIN SPECTACLES

Bush Staffers Exit Sadly

Friday, January 16th, 2009

Many of them were eaten.Barack Obama’s transition team has been preparing for months to take over the government, but George Bush’s people aren’t quite ready to let go. They haz a sad, because they worked in this place for this guy for like eight years, and now they have to go back to their regular babysitting gigs or grad school or whatever. Perhaps, like many of us, they’ll just live on unemployment as long as it keeps them in diapers and Cheetos. MORE »


OUR FLOURISHING UNEMPLOYMENT RATE

You Will Probably Not Get A Job With The Obama Administration

Monday, December 22nd, 2008

Valerie Jarrett already said she has dibs.Guess who wants to work for Barack Obama? Everyone! And maybe in a few years, once he has nationalized the couple of industries that haven’t already been nationalized and formed a WPA for singing madrigals and puppeteers, literally every American citizen will be his employee. But for the time being, most of the THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND people who applied for jobs with the Obama administration will probably not get hired. MORE »


A HAND UP NOT A HANDOUT

Who Will Bail Out Our Vital Weather-News Industry?

Friday, November 21st, 2008

You're fired.Holy Jesus God do you know how bad this recession is? So bad that one of the most recession-proof industries ever invented, THE WEATHER, has now hit upon hard times. The Weather Channel is laying off some untold number of staff, probably millions, more than the whole auto worker’s industry plus Wall Street combined, because there is no weather anywhere anymore. There’s just no budget for it. [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]


BACKSTABBERS

Sarah Palin Trashers Are Mostly Ex-Romney People

Friday, November 7th, 2008

He's probably already forming an 'exploratory committee'Here is your hourly dose of Sarah Palin gossip: rumor has it that the leakers now feverishly promoting the most awful tales of her proud ignorance and white trash spending habits are all former Mitt Romney staffers. A whole truckload of these Romney people were hired by the McCain campaign after their guy bowed out of the primaries, and they spent the rest of the race watching sadly as the yokel and the angry old Panamanian failed to say a single intelligent thing about the economy. MORE »


OUR NATION'S LARGEST EMPLOYER

Obama Has A Massive Staff, Wokka Wokka

Monday, July 21st, 2008

'Let me give you a tour of my dome!'Barack Obama’s campaign has more employees than a small nation and a larger budget than France. If you took every Obama staffer and laid them end to end, they would wrap around the earth and blot out the sun. The Obama campaign is such a massive operation that it will take seventeen times the GNP simply to keep it afloat, and if any more people start to work for Obama in any particular state, that state will sink into the earth’s crust simply from the accumulated weight of so many workers. This is why Barack Obama has to raise $300 million post haste. MORE »


DEMOCRATS

Leak-Free Obama Staff Annoys Reporters

Monday, April 28th, 2008

No comment.The frustrating 2008 Democratic primary season has been made even more insufferable by the Obama campaign staff’s refusal to talk smack about any of their coworkers. This leaves a bitter press corps with no fun tidbits to write about, which is why it’s still good that Hillary Clinton is in the race. Basically, Barack Obama is like the George Bush of 2000, commanding a team of eerily happy and loyal drones who will all become torture-loving yes-men once they seize the reins of power. The secrets to Barack’s success, after the jump. MORE »


REPUBLICANS

Michele Bachmann’s Underlings Express Love By Fleeing

Thursday, April 17th, 2008

Fly away, little birds!How much does fluorescent light advocate and Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann’s staff love her? So much that they are constantly quitting! New information reveals that Rep. Bachmann has lost two chiefs of staff, a district director, a press secretary, two legislative assistants, a staff assistant, a caseworker, an outreach and grants coordinator and a district scheduler since she hired them early last year. Is her insanity driving them away, or is it her penchant for playing footsie with her colleagues? MORE »


WHITE HOUSE

Press Hard At It Justifying the Weekend’s Stories

Monday, April 3rd, 2006