Tag Archives: stabbing

  hippie vice time people

Protip For Rainbow Family Gathering: Don’t Trust Anyone Named ‘Hitler,’ Even If She Is A Hippie

There was some serious harshing of the mellow at this year’s Rainbow Family Gathering near Heber City, Utah, when a hippie lady who calls herself “Hitler” stabbed another hippie person, nonfatally, thank goodness. Leilani Novak-Garcia, who prefers the name “Hitler” (we couldn’t find any background on why she chose that moniker, exactly), was arrested and charged with attempted murder after stabbing a 45-year-old man multiple times. But we bet she had a really good reason! Read more on Protip For Rainbow Family Gathering: Don’t Trust Anyone Named ‘Hitler,’ Even If She Is A Hippie…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Bushel Basket Of Bumpkins, Boobs, and ‘Baggers

Welcome, wonkeesters, to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we hose down the news, filter out the stories that weren’t quite worth a whole post but too stoopid to ignore altogether, spray the whole mess with cheap booze, and bring you the runoff. Enjoy! Our first story violates the entire premise of Derp, in that it is actually a story of Pure American Ingenuity and Awesomeness. So sue us for false labeling. Outside Austin Monday, on Texas Highway 71, off-duty Houston Fire Department Captain Craig Moreau pulled over to help an 18-wheeler that had smoke pouring from its rear wheels. The brakes had locked and the tire was “flaming pretty good,” Moreau said, and the driver’s fire extinguisher was not up to the job. Moreau asked what the driver was hauling. “Beer! It’s all beer!” And then, he says, one of the burning tires exploded, and Moreau asked the driver to open up the truck and start passing him tallboys. “I shook them up, and popped a top one at a time until the fire was out and the brakes were cool,” Moreau wrote. “Thankfully they were tallboys. I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of it all, he was so shaken up that the humor escaped him.” Quite a few cans of Coors Banquet beer later, the fire was out. And Craig Moreau is a hero, both for saving the day and for discovering something that Coors is actually good for. Protip: Do not try this with Scotch. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Bushel Basket Of Bumpkins, Boobs, and ‘Baggers…
  what happens when you find a stranger in the alps

Signs And Wonders: The Dudepocalypse Is At Hand

These two stories from yesterday have us convinced that the arc of the moral universe bends toward Lebowski: 1) An Arizona law banning ferrets from being brought into restaurants has gone into effect. The measure Read more on Signs And Wonders: The Dudepocalypse Is At Hand…
  in jesus's name we slay

Oregon Man Protesting To Save God’s Precious Rape-Babies Stabs Other Man Seven Times

Well this does not seem so loving and joyful and Christ-like, but hey, what do we know. An Oregon man who is not Missouri Senate candidate Todd Akin, or Indiana Senate candidate Richard Mourdock, and who’s been protesting for months outside a Planned Parenthood that doesn’t even offer abortion services got into a small bit of a brouhaha when a young lady kicked his stupid sign, and then he pushed her to the ground, and then she came back with her dad, and her dad punched the dude in the face a bunch of times, and then the first dude stabbed the dad a lot. Read more on Oregon Man Protesting To Save God’s Precious Rape-Babies Stabs Other Man Seven Times…
 

Clinton Supporter Stabs Obama Supporter

We knew the question of health care mandates was divisive, but not this divisive. Prosecutors in Montgomery County, Pennsylvania, says that “two brothers-in-law” got into such a heated debate over Barack and Hillary that one stabbed the other. Naturally, the Clinton supporter — or should we say, Clinton surrogate? — was the stabber. Read more on Clinton Supporter Stabs Obama Supporter…
 

The Longworth House of Horrors, Self-Stabby Edition

Hooray, we now know what that “medical emergency” was at the Longworth, which followed the (unrelated) fire and evacuation. Some guy walked up and stabbed himself repeatedly. Roll Call reports: An unidentified man walked up to the main entrance of the Longworth House Office Building around lunchtime today and proceeded to stab himself multiple times in front of Capitol Police officers. We’ve often felt like doing this, but never had the passion like this crazy guy. Read more on The Longworth House of Horrors, Self-Stabby Edition…