GOP Scandal Sweetheart To Headline Ron Paul’s Minneapolis Nightmare
Tuesday, August 19th, 2008
Ron Paul’s exciting all-day sports arena concert in Minneapolis was really missing only one thing: actual entertainment of some kind for the Paultards expected to pay $17.76 (get it?!) plus five-hundred dollars in Ticketmaster fees for the special privilege of sitting with other Paultards in a sports arena just a few miles from the fancy GOP convention in St. Paul, where the rich people will be partying with Kid Rock. And today Dr. Congressman Paul sent out an email announcing his Campaign for Literacy’s star attraction — a Nashville GOP singer gal Tom DeLay tried to keep on Dancing With the Stars even though she had to quit because of an ugly divorce from her drunken porn-loving Craigslist-threesome-having anal-sex addict congressional-candidate husband! MORE »
He used to be a famous maverick who spent all his time yukking it up with Ed McMahon in the “Golden Age of Television,” but these days John McCain can’t even get a commitment from actors-turned-Republican governors like Arnold Schwarzenegger. This is the sad situation reported today by Hollywood gossip paper the New York Daily News, which says the Dem convention will be one giant sexy celebrity event, while McCain’s convention in St. Paul will be lucky to get 
SPEAKING OF CONVENTION PARTY TIME: Regarding 
First, plans were made for the Republican convention in St. Paul during the first week of September, at the Xcel Center, starring John “Oh him” McCain. Then, wacky freedom-fighter Ron Paul and his Campaign for Literacy anounced a Paultard rally, a weeklong thing that would also take place during the first week of September, but at the Pepsi Center in Minneapolis. Oh and there’s also a socialist May Day rally of some kind, which we only know about because hey, free Steve Earle concert. But also: dirty hippies and laborists. And today we learn Ralph “Malph” Nader is having his secret rally in Minneapolis, too. 
Maybe it’s because the bars won’t be open 24-7 slinging delicious Wonkettinis to help conventioneers drink away the pain. Maybe it’s because the start of the convention coincides with the beginning of the school year, significantly reducing the chances that 14-year-old pages will be available for games of “hide the memo” in the Minneapolis airport men’s room. Whatever the reasons, Republicans just aren’t very psyched about their national convention this year. 
Well, this is a terrible disappointment. The City of St. Paul decided to charge bars $2500 for a license to stay open till 4 a.m. during the anxious, angry slog known as the Republican National Convention — an event to make a drinker out of anyone — not a single establishment has applied. A POX ON ALL THEIR HOUSES. 
Law enforcement authorities had to break the sad news today that there will be absolutely no sexing at the upcoming Republican and Democratic National Conventions. Apparently, every four years a bunch of sex-worker advocacy groups issue dire predictions that prostitution will skyrocket in convention cities, and then everybody is horribly disappointed to discover that the only whoring that goes on is the very dull, “I’ll trade you one Bridge to Nowhere for your cloture vote” kind of crap that makes people hate politicians in the first place. 
Thank you to Wonkette pamphlet operative “Taylor” for sending us this fantastic brochure from the Minneapolis Saint Paul 2008 Host Committee about the exciting upcoming convention. How rad will it be? Well if this pamphlet is any indication, John McCain will enter the arena with his seven children and two wives on a War Elephant — decorated in gold, rubies and fine silks — carrying the Sword of Gryffindor in one hand and the dripping, severed head of Chuck Hagel in the other; he won’t even have to speak because everyone will just be cold goin’ nuts at the sight of this. 
An angry Connecticut Democrat says that he will rent a very large floating rat and display it outside the XCel Energy Center in St. Paul if Joe Lieberman decides to attend the Republican National Convention, which he hasn’t been invited to. This angry guy, Ed Anderson, says he is “ready to apply for permits” and everything, which is tantamount to imminent violence. 
Say you’re a Republican incumbent, or maybe you’re the GOP candidate trying to take over a lucrative Senate or House seat for a retiring Republican. You would want to go to the big Republican Convention and bask in the successful glow of the GOP candidate for president, not to mention the outgoing Republican president who served two exciting terms, right? Wrong. You stay home, to avoid the stench of loserdom. 