Wonkette

Last night, your Wonkette editors visited the city of St. Paul, in Minnesota. What a glorious City Of Lights! Ha ha, not really, it was empty except for cops and military people protecting John McCain Arena. We thought this was offensive — why are the cops and military people still here when there’s a hurricane in New Orleans? Racists. Let’s check out a few more pictures from this famous twin Minnesota city that locals know as “The Boring One.” MORE »

OUR NATION’S WEATHER LADIES: Cindy McCain and Laura Bush will actually (maybe) speak today — beginning at 4:50 p.m., Central time — at the Republican convention! They will talk about, uh, Gustav. The hurricane. They will talk about a hurricane. This is the new GOP platform: Talking about a hurricane. [McClatchy]

Your Wonkette was just having some drinks at various patio restaurants in downtown Minneapolis yesterday when strange dorks began walking around, in bizarre costumes. Here we have, uh, “Ninja Hitler,” maybe? And he’s pulling a gimp in a wagon made of … household garbage? Like many other disheveled stringy-haired losers seen around town on Sunday, the gimp was wearing a green scary-face mask, possibly from the Scream movies? But they weren’t all so elaborately costumed. MORE »

REACHING AROUND THE AISLE: Sarah P’s “husband and oldest son are independents,” and the rest have yet to vote in an election. [Politico]

• ST. PAUL SORROW: Cheney ain’t coming. Bush Junior ain’t coming. Monday is pretty much canceled. Wonkette is here, awaiting the RNC press conference. What will happen? McCain is on the radio, jabbering nonsense, from St. Louis. THAT’S THE WRONG ST. CITY, WALNUTS!

Greetings from Austin, Minnesota — the home of Hormel’s famous SPAM food product, which Hawaiians such as Barack Obama eat a dozen times a day, with caviar. We are very close to St. Paul and our fancy suites, and will be there Sunday morning in time for so many cocktail parties. The question is this: Will anybody from the Republican Party show up? MORE »

Because we are kind of busy, and WTF Jack Reed?, here is your editor’s basic report on what we’re doing, in Denver and Saint Paul and everywhere between, even though your editor just got diagnosed with the Strep Throat. MORE »

Ron Paul’s exciting all-day sports arena concert in Minneapolis was really missing only one thing: actual entertainment of some kind for the Paultards expected to pay $17.76 (get it?!) plus five-hundred dollars in Ticketmaster fees for the special privilege of sitting with other Paultards in a sports arena just a few miles from the fancy GOP convention in St. Paul, where the rich people will be partying with Kid Rock. And today Dr. Congressman Paul sent out an email announcing his Campaign for Literacy’s star attraction — a Nashville GOP singer gal Tom DeLay tried to keep on Dancing With the Stars even though she had to quit because of an ugly divorce from her drunken porn-loving Craigslist-threesome-having anal-sex addict congressional-candidate husband! MORE »

He used to be a famous maverick who spent all his time yukking it up with Ed McMahon in the “Golden Age of Television,” but these days John McCain can’t even get a commitment from actors-turned-Republican governors like Arnold Schwarzenegger. This is the sad situation reported today by Hollywood gossip paper the New York Daily News, which says the Dem convention will be one giant sexy celebrity event, while McCain’s convention in St. Paul will be lucky to get Kid Rock, who will probably just wake up in the dumpster behind Xcel Center and decide to attend the RNC because he can get a can of beer there, maybe. MORE »

SPEAKING OF CONVENTION PARTY TIME: Regarding this, about the fancy cocktail parties in Denver and St. Paul, Wonkette is not seeing quite enough invitations. We’ll need four invites for all the fun things, thanks, and then we’ll post the sexy pictures here. [The Hill]

First, plans were made for the Republican convention in St. Paul during the first week of September, at the Xcel Center, starring John “Oh him” McCain. Then, wacky freedom-fighter Ron Paul and his Campaign for Literacy anounced a Paultard rally, a weeklong thing that would also take place during the first week of September, but at the Pepsi Center in Minneapolis. Oh and there’s also a socialist May Day rally of some kind, which we only know about because hey, free Steve Earle concert. But also: dirty hippies and laborists. And today we learn Ralph “Malph” Nader is having his secret rally in Minneapolis, too. MORE »

Maybe it’s because the bars won’t be open 24-7 slinging delicious Wonkettinis to help conventioneers drink away the pain. Maybe it’s because the start of the convention coincides with the beginning of the school year, significantly reducing the chances that 14-year-old pages will be available for games of “hide the memo” in the Minneapolis airport men’s room. Whatever the reasons, Republicans just aren’t very psyched about their national convention this year. MORE »

Well, this is a terrible disappointment. The City of St. Paul decided to charge bars $2500 for a license to stay open till 4 a.m. during the anxious, angry slog known as the Republican National Convention — an event to make a drinker out of anyone — not a single establishment has applied. A POX ON ALL THEIR HOUSES. MORE »