If you are currently sloppy drunk from kegs and eggs and planning on driving over to America’s Puke Fountain for Wonkette’s photo contest, here’s a tip: don’t. Embittered police, who don’t “have a problem with people celebrating their Irish heritage,” are really proving it by setting up drunk driving checkpoints all over creation. But don’t put down the beer just yet! SoberRide is providing free cabs for anyone that wants one, till 4AM tonight. MORE »

OMG prisoners from Gitmo have flown up from Cuba — just for the afternoon, gotta work tomorrow morning — to fête Barack Obama and his barely visible green fountain! These guys will just do wonders for the town of Leavenworth, Kansas. What a completely insane picture from Wonkette ultra-abortionist operative “Jeffrey.”

Huzzah, it’s our very first entrant in the “show us a picture of Michelle Obama poisoning the White House fountain with Irish puke” contest! While this is not technically “taking a comical picture,” as Ken requested, we will accept it. Thank you to faithful commenter NoWireHangers for this horror show.

America’s longwinded celebration of St. Patrick’s Day is really almost over. And here are your last opportunities to guzzle discounted chocolate stouts and see actual live elephants walk through town, for Ireland. MORE »

The DC police are putting together a book with the 60 most notorious youth offenders so that people in-the-know will be kept abreast of these kids in the rosy-fingered dawn of their careers or something. It too has tenuous privacy implications, just like actual Facebook. [Washington Post] MORE »

Wednesday, March 11: In honor of the upcoming National Cherry Blossom festival, Washington Life magazine is throwing the annual Pink Tie Cocktail Party, which means not only will you be emasculated for wearing a pink tie, you will feel personally humiliated at your own Poorness when you find out that the tickets are $150. But! There will be cherry-themed food and drinks from all your favorite local restaurants. [National Cherry Blossom Festival] MORE »

Here is a clip of the Massachusetts Speaker of the House joking at a St. Patrick’s Day breakfast about how his very young, idealistic, underpaid female employee is a prostitute. We have a name for folks like Sal DiMasi: they are called “fat assholes.” [WBZ]

Why wait until tonight to get sick of goddamned St. Patrick’s Day? Do it now! Did you know there are many “Irish songs” on the YouTube dedicated to the “Black Irish” candidacy of Barack “O’bama” Obama? Well, there are! MORE »

Did you know that before Hillary Clinton saved Ireland with treaties in the 1990s, she also drove the rats out of Ireland, by shaking her Mandate Stick at them? This is why she is wearing her Hillary-Leaf Clover scarf today. But how is the Irish leprechaun Barack Obama paying homage to Hillary Clinton, patron saint of Ireland? MORE »

It is St. Patrick’s Day and so we will drag out every bit of salacious incriminating innuendo we can find to prove that Barack Obama is a secret Irishman! Ah here is a telltale sign of Irishness: Weird buttons. MORE »

Do you remember when the Irish were The Terrorists? Well they still are, and Barack Obama is an Irish leprechaun Muslim. Never Forget. [YouTube]