The greatest news for America last week was that unstable, obese radio junkie Rush Limbaugh had snuck his way into a group of investors fixing to purchase St. Louis’ NFL team, the Rams. What a straightforward way to piss off an entire major city! Upon hearing the news, black players in the league were like, “Ah, well, we look forward to never playing for that team or even visiting that city again in our lives.” The problem there is that black players tend to be the ones who are good at football. And so Rush’s investor “friends,” backed by a nervous NFL leadership, have dropped him from the bid. He is not expected to say gracious things about the NFL on his radio show, after this. [ESPN/AP]

Remember that wingnut Kenneth Gladney, who pretended to get super super beaten up by the Obama’s “union thugs” outside a town hall in St. Louis, and then wanted to make tons of money being half-famous like Joe the Plumber? His lawyer isn’t paying the website bills anymore! Huh. And so, with this, we will now close the very thin file on Kenneth Gladney. [Washington Independent]

We’ve all been feeling so proud of our nation after hearing yesterday’s news about the insane, bloody war — like real-life, actual War, with guns and troops and Prussians and shit — scheduled for St. Louis today, between the unions and the people who should be in unions but aren’t and therefore hate unions. So, what was the BODY COUNT? Brave operative “Nick B.” brings us the whole, sad story: “My two friends and I were the ONLY people counter-protesting at the wingnut SEIU protest in St. Louis today, and I thought I might share what went down. The SEIU office is just a few blocks away, so we made some signs with posterboard and headed down, assuming that there would be others like us. But when we got there it was just a crowd of 150 or so with ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ signs (which fooled us at first, since they’re the same colors as SEIU has), with people on both sides of the street.” Click the clicky to see whether “Nick” survived, or e-mailed us his report from Hell. MORE »

Austin mayoral candidate Brewster “Phil” McCracken has ENRAGED the entire city of St. Louis by talking about how horrible they are, vis a vis the completely perfect city of Austin (which many an Austinite will assure you is “not like the rest of Texas” because they “keep it weird” with their single charming homeless man who parades around bus stops in a thong). Anyway, here’s a link to the offending campaign ad. (McCracken is “keeping it weird” by not allowing YouTube embeds, because why would you want people to look at your video all time?) MORE »

Wow, judging from this photograph alone, St. Louis looks awesome. Dedicated legal journalist “Allison” writes: “Obama confidante and gorgeous Darfur lover George Clooney was just spotted in St. Louis. Filming started today here on his new movie, Up in the Air (otherwise known as George Clooney stalks around airports in bland, featureless cities like St. Louis). Georgie was shooting at an urban-blighted apartment building across from my office. I had no idea until I started hearing shrieks from our conference room overlooking the scene. See attached the photo (taken by my bud Lauren). George is the tiny figure with the rolling suitcase, just above the window ledge covered in bird shit.” Thank you Allison and Lauren, for your service to America and Darfur.

Wonkette Fly-Over Correspondent Stephen Martin is at the scene of tonight’s Palin-Biden debate in St. Louis, trying to find out why Dr. Dean is such a dick: “Just ran into Howard Dean in the campus bookstore at Wash U. I got to know the man relatively well four years ago, had dinner with him, the typical Iowa thing with candidates. Well, I figured I’d go say hi to him. Totally blew me off. It’s not like there was a gaggle or anything. He was getting his picture taken with a couple of campus cuties. I was the only “reporter” in the whole place. But his people saw my red ‘media’ tag, and completely ignored me. I was disappointed. MORE »

Yesterday, Barack Obama almost died in a fiery plane crash above lovely St. Louis, and you know what, it’s his own fault. Thought experiment: imagine you are a Jew. If, as a Jew, you are borrowing a car, you wouldn’t borrow it from Adolf Hitler, right? It would probably have a bomb set to the ignition (Hitler famously disliked the Jews). With that in mind: “This was not Obama’s regular campaign plane, which is being overhauled. It was a loaner, having previously been used by Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-NY.” When will dumb old Barack Obama realize that Hillary Clinton is actively trying to kill him? [ABC News]

He’s got most of the money remaining in the U.S. economy, and yet. Barack Obama’s plane, a rickety old hackjob called an “MD-80 Midwest charter,” was going to crash into a World Trade Center today en route from Chicago to Charlotte — it was just that broken! Alas, his terrible pilots were forced to make an emergency landing in Missouri. Hey, Missouri… that’s one of those whatchamacallits… border states… slave states… oh that’s right, it’s a swing state. What a fortuitous terrorist crash landing! MORE »

BECAUSE IT’S WORKED IN THE PAST: A St. Louis-area councilman has a plan to tone down the rowdiness on Main Street of his little town; he wants to ban swearing and “profane music,” along with table dancing and drinking contests, in all the bars. We suggest he also form a temperance league and maybe crack down on laughter as well. [AP]

America is addicted to pornography: Terror Pornography. From Kiefer’s endless torture of the nuclear-armed Islamo-Nazis to NEVER FORGET billboards, illiterate snuff essays by unknown bloggers to, uhm, the Washingtonian, nothing thrills like the fantasy of Muslims blowing up some unloved yet well-known U.S. city architecture.

Join us after the jump for the terror fantasy that could make WALNUTS! our best-ever pretend maverick president for life, after the jump.

MORE »