Tag Archives: sports

  Sportsball nice time

Dudes Kiss On The Mouth On LA Dodgers Kiss Cam, And Nobody Even Gay-Bashes Them!

Come at me, bro.
Awww, progress! If you have ever gone to see one of the various types of sportsball matches, you have undoubtedly seen a “kiss-cam.” It’s that thing where the camera is all of a sudden on you and your neighbor, and you are supposed to kiss that person, whether or not that is actually your lover sexxxy-time pal. If you don’t do it, you are lame and no fun, or maybe the person next to you is a stranger with mouth sores. But usually they try to get obvious couples on there, so it’s all cute and stuff. WELL, The Gaily Grind reports that this happened Saturday night at a game between the LA Dodgers and the Arizona Diamondbacks — those are baseball teams, if you don’t know how to Sports — and they panned to several man/lady pairs, before settling on two guys, who may or may not be gay guys. Maybe they are gay for each other, maybe they are just best straight bros, who knows? Regardless, they totally kissed it up: Read more on Dudes Kiss On The Mouth On LA Dodgers Kiss Cam, And Nobody Even Gay-Bashes Them!…
  Sports! Sports Sports Sports!

Sportsball Year In Review: It Was Mostly Awful!

Sad Brazil fan is sad.
Sports! Oh man, sports, aren’t they great? Shut up, they are too. Here now is your 2014 Wonkette Sportsball Year In Review, because why not? Off-field Hits Plague NFL Sorry to break this to you, Wonketeers, but the NFL remains the most popular form of sportsball in America. It seems we cannot get enough of the big men slamming into each other, and with all of the downtime between plays, who can blame us? This year, however, public perception of the NFL took a serious turn for the worse. The AP named the NFL’s domestic abuse scandals the sports story of the year, and the league’s ham-fisted response to the scandals will be studied by dead-eyed PR majors for generations to come. Read more on Sportsball Year In Review: It Was Mostly Awful!…
  If April flowers bring gay showers...wait...

Ben Shapiro Just Doesn’t Get Why These Gays Have To Ruin Sports With Politics

Whey-faced anger bear Ben Shapiro has never met an issue he could not connect to the scourge of leftism and political correctness that is ruining America for whiny, snot-nosed, privileged jerks like Ben Shapiro. Today’s example: This highly unintelligent screed over at Dead Breitbart’s Internet Crypt for Koala-Fondling Lechers, in which Genocide Ben, taking as his jumping-off point the recent controversy over an ESPN report on the showering habits of openly gay sportsballer Michael Sam and his teammates, whines about how politics have invaded American sports. Damn liberals! Always ruining our cherished American institutions where large men beat the crap out of each other while trying to advance an oblong pigskin an arbitrarily conceived distance in a contest of skill and strength. Read more on Ben Shapiro Just Doesn’t Get Why These Gays Have To Ruin Sports With Politics…
  boo-urns etc etc

Jay Carney Insists That The President Wasn’t Being Playfully Booed

We all know that Boston sports fans are a bunch of half-literate swamp turds who make all sorts of furious, guttural moaning sounds whenever you mention the athletic teams they’re supposed to like. So were those boos last night when, at a Boston fundraiser, Obama “thanked” the Red Sox for trading their aging third baseman Kevin Youkilis to the president’s beloved Chicago White Sox? Or were they screaming “YOOOOUUUK,” like cavemen? White House spokesperson Jay Carney, a notorious Masshole, insists that it was all “YOOOOUUUK,” because playful boos at a high-dollar fundraiser would be the worst sort of tragedy. Read more on Jay Carney Insists That The President Wasn’t Being Playfully Booed…
  the wacky tobacky

Zany Washington Post Marijuana Story Contains Dangerous Levels Of Wordplay

Oh, Washington Post writer Emily Heil, we were going to make excuses for you, assuming you were some poor underpaid intern forced to churn out blog postlets for the Post’s “In The Loop” blog, which is different from all the other blogs the Post has, somehow, there’s probably a logic to it, but then we went to your author page and saw that you have been a journalist for ten years so we feel a need to take you to task for your latest post, about reefer marijuana users. It has so many puns and pot jokes packed into five paragraphs that it makes our head hurt — more than even smoking marijuana, which is an illegal crime, by the way. Read more on Zany Washington Post Marijuana Story Contains Dangerous Levels Of Wordplay…
  pretty cool people

Rick Santorum’s New Pitch To Voters: I Am Good At Some Sports

Rick Santorum has chosen a new strategy in his quest to win the Republican presidential nomination that he cannot mathematically win: Talkin’ sports. You know, shootin’ the shit with his buddies, the voters, about golf, baseball, bowling. Shooting guns. Those sports. He’s very good at them all, just like Vladimir Putin is at fucking tigers or eating tigers or lying about fucking tigers or whatever it is the Russkies do to look kewl. Did you know Santorum hit a golf ball purty good recently? And then also, too, hit a baseball? Can we just make him permanent Emperor of America right now? Read more on Rick Santorum’s New Pitch To Voters: I Am Good At Some Sports…
 

Rick Perry Still in This Thing, Because Governing Texas Is So Last Summer

The night after finishing fifth place in Iowa, ahead of now-quitter Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, one of the most subdued dudes (subdudes!) ever, was up running around a lake in serious winter running gear, his hair as unkempt and fluffy as a lamb’s. He tweeted something about training for a marathon? And it included this photo, complete with a thumbs-up sign, which is what people do when things aren’t good enough that they can just stand there looking cocksure. Actually the marathon is the race for the Republican presidential nomination, which he is still running in, get ittttttttt. The lieutenant governor of Texas must be thrilled. Read more on Rick Perry Still in This Thing, Because Governing Texas Is So Last Summer…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Plays Fancy Tennis Sport For Obese Children

Our FLOTUS has decided to get back to “business,” which means she is once again shoving things like fitness and exercise down the throats of America’s children, in between all the nachos and gravy that are already down there. Last Friday, Michelle Obama went to something called the “SmashZone” during the elitist tennis party known as The US Open to talk about tennis and smashing things, which just goes to show how dangerous this Let’s Move! thing is for our country and our delicate (and obese) children. Our FLOTUS spent some time talking about her love of tennis, before playing the sport with actual professional tennis players. We are guessing she managed to beat them all by distracting them with her FLOTUS charm, obviously. Read more on Michelle Obama Plays Fancy Tennis Sport For Obese Children…
  new trends

CNN: Gays To Be Tested On Sports Trivia Knowledge

You know when you buy some something, let’s say a “suit for work interviews,” and then everybody is wearing the same thing, including at the very building where you’re interviewing? Or, you know how you move to the Big City and suddenly everyone is gay, and you start wondering if maybe a lot more people weren’t gay back home, too? Maybe everyone? It’s true! According to sports journalism, everybody is a homosexual now and this is causing some consternation on the playing fields or courts of the professional sports world. Imagine you’re an advertising agency and you’re putting together these big commercials for pickup trucks and light beer and there’s that wrestler with the policeman sunglasses and the cowboy hat howling “Are you ready for football?” but the whole audience is made up of gays and lesbians, because that’s what everyone actually is now. Should there be a test? Read more on CNN: Gays To Be Tested On Sports Trivia Knowledge…
  handle this george will

Baltimore Orioles Distance Selves From Birther Outfielder

Baltimore Orioles outfielder Luke Scott went into Major League Baseball’s offseason winter meetings with a .902 OPS on the year and, it turns out, a deep distrust of that Kenyan socialist Barack Obama. “He was not born here,” said the man best known for hitting a leather-wrapped ball of cork and wool, not so much for the spirit of intellectual discovery he picked up in his two years at Oklahoma State. “That’s my belief. I was born here. If someone accuses me of not being born here, I can go — within 10 minutes — to my filing cabinet and I can pick up my real birth certificate and I can go, ‘See? Look! Here it is. Here it is.’ The man has dodged everything. He dodges questions, he doesn’t answer anything. And why? Because he’s hiding something.” But the Orioles have distanced themselves from this statement. And why? Because they’re hiding something. Read more on Baltimore Orioles Distance Selves From Birther Outfielder…
  another affront to christmas

Evil Soccer Organization Chooses Evil Russia and Qatar Over America

The United States’ big dreams of hosting the 2022 World Cup were shattered by one of the planet’s smallest nations. In a historic vote Thursday in Zurich, FIFA awarded the hosting rights to Qatar, a Middle Eastern country smaller than Connecticut that wowed the sport’s international governing body with innovative stadium plans, massive financial resources and the promise of promoting harmony in a region that has never staged the World Cup. Read more on Evil Soccer Organization Chooses Evil Russia and Qatar Over America…
  one-party sports-congratulating rule

New Axiom: As Nancy Pelosi Votes, So Votes John Boehner

You know how Democrats are attacked in ads for “rubber-stamping” Pelosi and/or Obama? Boehner has voted with the Democratic leadership 52 percent of the time in 2010. So has Rep. Mike Pence (Ind.), chairman of the Republican conference and former head of the conservative Republican Study Committee. Rep. Eric Cantor (Va.), the House Republican whip, and Rep. Pete Sessions (Tex.), head of the GOP’s House campaign committee, are even cozier with Pelosi. They’ve voted with her 57 percent of the time. Read more on New Axiom: As Nancy Pelosi Votes, So Votes John Boehner…
  dear god strike down this idiot amen

Fundamentalist: U.S. Hasn’t Been Attacked Since 9/11 Because Of Sports

The American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer knows why we haven’t been attacked since 9/11! At many professional sporting events, during a lull in the action, a singer is trotted out for a dumb rendition of “God Bless America.” This is a prayer, you see, and God answers those things: Read more on Fundamentalist: U.S. Hasn’t Been Attacked Since 9/11 Because Of Sports…
  wonkette sports desk

New York Jets Join War On Mexico (And Mexico’s Sexiest Sports Reporter)

In preparation for tonight’s big crest-falling at the hands of the Baltimore Ravens, the New York Jets reportedly “made passes at” (literally!) TV Azteca sports reporter Inez Sainz, who came all the way up from Mexico City. The result is that now there really will be a War with Mexico and this is NOT EXCELLENT NEWS for Hillary Clinton because bicentennial celebrating Mexicans will intercept quarterback Mark Sanchez’s “bombs” faster than you can say GOAL, in Spanish. Read more on New York Jets Join War On Mexico (And Mexico’s Sexiest Sports Reporter)…
  somebody didn't watch tom emanski's video on perjury

Baseballman Actually Indicted For Lying In Dumb Congressional Hearing

In 2008, the Committee on Oversight and Government Reform decided it would grandstand on the use of steroids in baseball, because what else were they going to do? Their jobs? (NO.) So this was a little circus for a while, and they subpoenaed famous baseball players to these hearings so that said members of Congress could attract teevee attention and look important. But, funnily enough, some asshole, former pitcher Roger Clemens, actually has gotten indicted for lying in this pointless exercise. Whoops. Read more on Baseballman Actually Indicted For Lying In Dumb Congressional Hearing…
  photoshop helps us remember the good times

Alabama Politician Inadvertently Exposes Nick Saban’s Lameness

Nick Saban has won a lot of “football,” according to Wikipedia, and that is why every Alabama politician lusts after The Nick Saban Endorsement, because it is some sort of football sports analogy for something really great that is sure to bring you victory. Sadly Nick Saban hates politics and never endorses anybody. But that didn’t stop Dorothy Davidson — a Bessemer, Alabama, mayoral candidate — who went ahead and got Nick Saban’s endorsement anyway, using a picture of him and Adobe’s “Photoshop.” The critics say Dorothy Davidson has no right to pretend that she stood next to Coach Saban and smiled with him as if they were best friends. Well, that’s not what we say. We say: Nick Saban is rich, according to Wikipedia, so why is it that every unphotoshopped photograph of Nick Saban shows him just standing around doing nothing with his wife, and not making out in a jacuzzi tub with hott coeds such as Dorothy Davidson? Are you a loser, Nick Saban? Read more on Alabama Politician Inadvertently Exposes Nick Saban’s Lameness…
  The sporting news

Jock-Republicans Seek To Take Over America

A bunch of retired professional football and basketball athletes have been running for office this year on the Republican ticket, to Take America Back and also reinforce the stereotype about jocks not being very bright. The aspiring-leader bunch includes “at least five” former NFL or NBA superheroes, Bloomberg News reports. Talk about tossing political footballs! LOL. Read more on Jock-Republicans Seek To Take Over America…
  he likes sports america

Obama Holds Important Meeting With Football Team

Every year, the President of the United States has to entertain the winners of that year’s Super Bowl, which is an annual contest of America’s real (white) sport, American-football. And so today they showed up at the White House and provided Obama his very own jersey, which he will then hang in his closet with other such jerseys, unlike George W. Bush, who has taken to making these jerseys his everyday retiree wardrobe. But this event was treated as sort of IMPORTANT, because of George W. Bush’s Katrina, Hurricane Katrina. Read more on Obama Holds Important Meeting With Football Team…
  capitalism sheds a tear

Former Nixon CREEP And Baseball-Player Buyer George Steinbrenner Dies of Dick Cheney’s Disease

New York Yankees owner Geroge Steinbrenner keeled over and died of a heart attack this morning to the amusement of baseball fans everywhere. He was 80 in terms of human-years and is best remembered for breaking the hearts of children across the country for decades by taking their favorite players and giving them ridiculous amounts of money to become his clean-cut Yankee wage slaves. Now poltical outlets are required to tell you what this man had to do with politics. Oh, he illegally funneled money to Richard Nixon’s re-election campaign. And sometimes he gave other politicians money, legally, to make them his Yankees. Read more on Former Nixon CREEP And Baseball-Player Buyer George Steinbrenner Dies of Dick Cheney’s Disease…
  he's on fire

Joe Biden Secretly Knows LeBron James Is Coming Back To Cleveland

Last week, Joe Biden was at a fundraiser for Senate candidate Lee Fisher when he opened his big mouth. “LeBron James is coming back,” Biden said. Last night, LeBron James announced that some “privileged” kids were getting scholarships to the University of Phoenix so that they will get a bad education and also that he is going to play for the Miami Heat from now on. Now Ohioans are angry, and it’s not just the usual anger about their state being terrible and boring. But Joe Biden is not admitting he was wrong about LeBron. What? Read more on Joe Biden Secretly Knows LeBron James Is Coming Back To Cleveland…
  wonkette field trip

A Children’s Treasury Of Pictures From The Most Important Baseball Game Ever

Last night was the much anticipated Roll Call Congressional Baseball Game and somehow your Wonkabout convinced our dearly departed editor Jim Newell to join her for the adventure. New editor Jack refused to leave his home, cats and whatever, and missed the annual Wonkette field trip. At the Big Game Republicans and Democrats showed off their little league skills, a lady — Linda Sanchez — had a great hit and Bart Stupak had a double play that was the highlight of the evening. Yes, Bart Stupak saved the Democrats and no one had any love for the Republican team manager JOE BARTON. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Pictures From The Most Important Baseball Game Ever…