In today’s edition of “Things That Are Impossible To Overstate, According To The News Media,” we return to that years-old question of whether Barack Obama either modestly dislikes women, or hates every single woman’s fucking guts. This was a hot topic last year when Barack Obama defeated a woman in a presidential primary, a heinous display of chauvinism. Why not crap on Susan B. Anthony’s grave and punch Lucretia Mott in the boob, while you’re at it? And now Obama has done something far worse: played various sports with coteries of men, instead of women. This is the very definition of being “pro-life.” MORE »

The greatest news for America last week was that unstable, obese radio junkie Rush Limbaugh had snuck his way into a group of investors fixing to purchase St. Louis’ NFL team, the Rams. What a straightforward way to piss off an entire major city! Upon hearing the news, black players in the league were like, “Ah, well, we look forward to never playing for that team or even visiting that city again in our lives.” The problem there is that black players tend to be the ones who are good at football. And so Rush’s investor “friends,” backed by a nervous NFL leadership, have dropped him from the bid. He is not expected to say gracious things about the NFL on his radio show, after this. [ESPN/AP]

So overweight former baseball technician Curt Schilling will not be America’s new beloved Republican Ted Kennedy after all. Here are the known conditions that might have been factors in his proto-failure:

• He’s not even actually a registered Republican, which many political Beltway D.C. Boston insiders speculated would interfere with his ability to run on the Republican ticket
• Aggressive unpopularity

“Regardless of the amount of support and outreach that’s been given to me, it just did not make sense,” Schilling told someone at some point in response to all this. [CNN]

The race to fill Ted Kennedy’s ample seat in the Senate is heating up like a corpse in the summer tide! (Sorry, Denby.) Curt Schilling, world champion quarterback for Boston’s “Mighty Ducks,” loves George W. Bush and jacking off in bloodstained sock, so he is qualified to be the Republican candidate. Schilling, heir to his family’s spice fortune, joins a crowded Republican field that includes former Lieutenant Governor Kerry Healey and pretty much nobody else. MORE »

Likely GOP nominee for president in 2008 and self-loathing Virginian Jew George Allen has landed hisself a fancy book deal, following in the footsteps of his idol, Ken Layne. It is titled The Triumph of Character: What Washington Can Learn from the World of Sports, so readers should expect an aesthetic mash-up of Matt Christopher and Leni Riefenstahl. MORE »

So you hate America? Then you must love soccer! Soccer, or “foot-ball” in Latin, is a game Americans force their children to play (badly) for a few years before they graduate to “real sports,” such as driving to Checkers in Ford F-350s while drinking a Big Gulp of chocolate sauce. Still, not that many people noticed the other day when the “meh” United States men’s soccer team defeated #1-in-the-world, 35-games-unbeaten Spain, 2-0, in a fake tournament in South Africa, where every attendee in every stadium blows annoying as hell Tribal Horns for every second of every game, THEY REALLY NEED TO STOP THAT, anyway: Gary Schmitt, a conservative hero at the American Enterprise Institute, wrote a reaction to the upset and ended with his explanation for why Americans don’t get into soccer like the rest of the world does: because the rest of the word hates fairness and freedom and Justice, which play no role in this evil, fraudulent sport. MORE »

Hey nerds how much do you love NBA Finals season, hmmm? Feast your eyes on this cute thing, which involves two political ladies trash-talking over their basketball teams. Maxine Waters won’t even shake her friend’s hand, that is how serious she is about this dispute. [The YouTube]

The AP on America’s Smartest Legislator, the Stumper: “Republican Rep. Joe Barton of Texas said Friday that efforts to tinker with the BCS are bound to fail. He told a House hearing that the BCS is like communism and can’t be fixed. Barton has introduced legislation that would prevent the NCAA from labeling a game a national championship unless it’s the outcome of a playoff system.” He agrees with Obama on this, so doesn’t that make him a communist also? [AP]

If you are desperate and have no friends — or, conversely, if you have a lot of friends and you want to round them all up on a weekly basis — sign up with the DC Kickball league. The organization sets up teams to compete against each other once a week in various locations and occasionally throws parties and happy hours. MORE »

Oh, George Will, what will offend your delicate sensibilities next? Last night, our nation’s remaining bow-tied commentator complained about Obama and wingnut Senator Tom Coburn sharing a loving embrace. When did all this “straight” male hugging start, George? Oh, we don’t know, maybe the 1948 World Series or the 1955 World Series or something? Check one of those baseball books you fart out every couple of months. [ABC News/Media Matters]

The thought that all sports fans had upon hearing the name of Palin’s most pregnant daughter has, in fact, been confirmed: “But also, Bristol, Connecticut, is the home of ESPN. And when I was in high school, my desire was to be a sportscaster. ESPN was just kicking off, just getting off the ground, and I thought that’s what I was going to do in life, is be one of the first woman sportscasters. Until I learned that you’d have to move to Bristol, Connecticut. It was far away. So instead, I had a daughter and named her Bristol.” This line of logic also explains why there are so many children of waitresses named “Hollywood.” [Esquire]