sports

We all know that Boston sports fans are a bunch of half-literate swamp turds who make all sorts of furious, guttural moaning sounds whenever you mention the athletic teams they’re supposed to like. So were those boos last night when, at a Boston fundraiser, Obama “thanked” the Red Sox for trading their aging third baseman […]

Oh, Washington Post writer Emily Heil, we were going to make excuses for you, assuming you were some poor underpaid intern forced to churn out blog postlets for the Post’s “In The Loop” blog, which is different from all the other blogs the Post has, somehow, there’s probably a logic to it, but then we […]

Rick Santorum has chosen a new strategy in his quest to win the Republican presidential nomination that he cannot mathematically win: Talkin’ sports. You know, shootin’ the shit with his buddies, the voters, about golf, baseball, bowling. Shooting guns. Those sports. He’s very good at them all, just like Vladimir Putin is at fucking tigers […]

The night after finishing fifth place in Iowa, ahead of now-quitter Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, one of the most subdued dudes (subdudes!) ever, was up running around a lake in serious winter running gear, his hair as unkempt and fluffy as a lamb’s. He tweeted something about training for a marathon? And it included this […]

Our FLOTUS has decided to get back to “business,” which means she is once again shoving things like fitness and exercise down the throats of America’s children, in between all the nachos and gravy that are already down there. Last Friday, Michelle Obama went to something called the “SmashZone” during the elitist tennis party known […]

You know when you buy some something, let’s say a “suit for work interviews,” and then everybody is wearing the same thing, including at the very building where you’re interviewing? Or, you know how you move to the Big City and suddenly everyone is gay, and you start wondering if maybe a lot more people […]

Peter King of NBC reported during Football Night in America that President Barack Obama recently called Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie to congratulate the team for giving quarterback Mike Vick a second chance. President Obama explained that a level playing field rarely exists for prisoners who have completed their sentences. Vick’s success gives all of them […]

Baltimore Orioles outfielder Luke Scott went into Major League Baseball’s offseason winter meetings with a .902 OPS on the year and, it turns out, a deep distrust of that Kenyan socialist Barack Obama. “He was not born here,” said the man best known for hitting a leather-wrapped ball of cork and wool, not so much […]

The United States’ big dreams of hosting the 2022 World Cup were shattered by one of the planet’s smallest nations. In a historic vote Thursday in Zurich, FIFA awarded the hosting rights to Qatar, a Middle Eastern country smaller than Connecticut that wowed the sport’s international governing body with innovative stadium plans, massive financial resources […]

You know how Democrats are attacked in ads for “rubber-stamping” Pelosi and/or Obama? Boehner has voted with the Democratic leadership 52 percent of the time in 2010. So has Rep. Mike Pence (Ind.), chairman of the Republican conference and former head of the conservative Republican Study Committee. Rep. Eric Cantor (Va.), the House Republican whip, […]

The American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer knows why we haven’t been attacked since 9/11! At many professional sporting events, during a lull in the action, a singer is trotted out for a dumb rendition of “God Bless America.” This is a prayer, you see, and God answers those things: The singing of “God Bless America” […]

In preparation for tonight’s big crest-falling at the hands of the Baltimore Ravens, the New York Jets reportedly “made passes at” (literally!) TV Azteca sports reporter Inez Sainz, who came all the way up from Mexico City. The result is that now there really will be a War with Mexico and this is NOT EXCELLENT […]

In 2008, the Committee on Oversight and Government Reform decided it would grandstand on the use of steroids in baseball, because what else were they going to do? Their jobs? (NO.) So this was a little circus for a while, and they subpoenaed famous baseball players to these hearings so that said members of Congress […]

Nick Saban has won a lot of “football,” according to Wikipedia, and that is why every Alabama politician lusts after The Nick Saban Endorsement, because it is some sort of football sports analogy for something really great that is sure to bring you victory. Sadly Nick Saban hates politics and never endorses anybody. But that […]

A bunch of retired professional football and basketball athletes have been running for office this year on the Republican ticket, to Take America Back and also reinforce the stereotype about jocks not being very bright. The aspiring-leader bunch includes “at least five” former NFL or NBA superheroes, Bloomberg News reports. Talk about tossing political footballs! […]