sports
Zany Washington Post Marijuana Story Contains Dangerous Levels Of Wordplay
Oh, Washington Post writer Emily Heil, we were going to make excuses for you, assuming you were some poor underpaid intern forced to churn out blog postlets for the Post’s “In The Loop” blog, which is different from all the other blogs the Post has, somehow, there’s probably a logic to it, but then we [...]
Rick Santorum’s New Pitch To Voters: I Am Good At Some Sports
Rick Santorum has chosen a new strategy in his quest to win the Republican presidential nomination that he cannot mathematically win: Talkin’ sports. You know, shootin’ the shit with his buddies, the voters, about golf, baseball, bowling. Shooting guns. Those sports. He’s very good at them all, just like Vladimir Putin is at fucking tigers [...]
Rick Perry Still in This Thing, Because Governing Texas Is So Last Summer
The night after finishing fifth place in Iowa, ahead of now-quitter Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, one of the most subdued dudes (subdudes!) ever, was up running around a lake in serious winter running gear, his hair as unkempt and fluffy as a lamb’s. He tweeted something about training for a marathon? And it included this [...]
Michelle Obama Plays Fancy Tennis Sport For Obese Children
Our FLOTUS has decided to get back to “business,” which means she is once again shoving things like fitness and exercise down the throats of America’s children, in between all the nachos and gravy that are already down there. Last Friday, Michelle Obama went to something called the “SmashZone” during the elitist tennis party known [...]
CNN: Gays To Be Tested On Sports Trivia Knowledge
You know when you buy some something, let’s say a “suit for work interviews,” and then everybody is wearing the same thing, including at the very building where you’re interviewing? Or, you know how you move to the Big City and suddenly everyone is gay, and you start wondering if maybe a lot more people [...]
Baltimore Orioles Distance Selves From Birther Outfielder
Baltimore Orioles outfielder Luke Scott went into Major League Baseball’s offseason winter meetings with a .902 OPS on the year and, it turns out, a deep distrust of that Kenyan socialist Barack Obama. “He was not born here,” said the man best known for hitting a leather-wrapped ball of cork and wool, not so much [...]
Evil Soccer Organization Chooses Evil Russia and Qatar Over America
The United States’ big dreams of hosting the 2022 World Cup were shattered by one of the planet’s smallest nations. In a historic vote Thursday in Zurich, FIFA awarded the hosting rights to Qatar, a Middle Eastern country smaller than Connecticut that wowed the sport’s international governing body with innovative stadium plans, massive financial resources [...]
New Axiom: As Nancy Pelosi Votes, So Votes John Boehner
You know how Democrats are attacked in ads for “rubber-stamping” Pelosi and/or Obama? Boehner has voted with the Democratic leadership 52 percent of the time in 2010. So has Rep. Mike Pence (Ind.), chairman of the Republican conference and former head of the conservative Republican Study Committee. Rep. Eric Cantor (Va.), the House Republican whip, [...]
Fundamentalist: U.S. Hasn’t Been Attacked Since 9/11 Because Of Sports
The American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer knows why we haven’t been attacked since 9/11! At many professional sporting events, during a lull in the action, a singer is trotted out for a dumb rendition of “God Bless America.” This is a prayer, you see, and God answers those things: The singing of “God Bless America” [...]
New York Jets Join War On Mexico (And Mexico’s Sexiest Sports Reporter)
In preparation for tonight’s big crest-falling at the hands of the Baltimore Ravens, the New York Jets reportedly “made passes at” (literally!) TV Azteca sports reporter Inez Sainz, who came all the way up from Mexico City. The result is that now there really will be a War with Mexico and this is NOT EXCELLENT [...]
Baseballman Actually Indicted For Lying In Dumb Congressional Hearing
In 2008, the Committee on Oversight and Government Reform decided it would grandstand on the use of steroids in baseball, because what else were they going to do? Their jobs? (NO.) So this was a little circus for a while, and they subpoenaed famous baseball players to these hearings so that said members of Congress [...]
Jock-Republicans Seek To Take Over America
A bunch of retired professional football and basketball athletes have been running for office this year on the Republican ticket, to Take America Back and also reinforce the stereotype about jocks not being very bright. The aspiring-leader bunch includes “at least five” former NFL or NBA superheroes, Bloomberg News reports. Talk about tossing political footballs! [...]
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