Tag Archives: spies

  remember when she ran for president

This May Be Michele Bachmann’s Worst Stunt Yet

Ugh, a Bachmann story that we’d like to ignore if it was just another stupid gaffey line about nothing, but this really seals it: she needs to be in a mental institution, which we mean 100% seriously and with the utmost concern for her mental health, or she needs to be sued for abuse of power or defamation or whatever legalese doo-da buzzword thing it is. SHE HAS RELEASED A DOCUMENT, friends, outlining how the Muslim Brotherhood has achieved “deep penetration” into the highest levels of the federal government. She points to Huma Abedin, Hillary Clinton’s State Department slave and Anthony Weiner’s wife, as an Infiltrator, and how does she even have a security clearance? Michele Bachmann is either mentally insane or too stupid to be allowed on a federal ballot, and the latter would be an extraordinary feat. Why is she allowed to be in Congress? Why are these professionally damaging and hurtful and trashy hallucinatory accusations allowed to flow into the world without an official reprimand or censure? How is Michele Bachmann allowed to happen? Read more on This May Be Michele Bachmann’s Worst Stunt Yet…
  quitters

Quitter Bachmann Withdraws Swiss Citizenship (To Work Undercover)

We’ve seen this ruse before, Bachmann. You think no one would suspect it, then you get caught, and now you’re all, “Oh, I’m done being Swiss.” She only loves “America” now. We’re not buying it, SPY. This continues to all be the Left’s fault. Here’s her letter, which essentially says, “I FUCKING LOVE THE UNITED STATES, HAMBURGERS, PIE, AND WAR.” The Greatest. Nation. The World. Has. Ever. Known. Ever. Best. Winners. God. America: Read more on Quitter Bachmann Withdraws Swiss Citizenship (To Work Undercover)…
  grampa cornpants

Chuck Grassley’s Got This Whole Secret Service Problem Covered, You Guys

Oh dear, Sen. Chuck Grassley snuck out the window again after lights-out, and now he’s leading inquiries into the Secret Service sex scandal. Whatcha got so far, inspector? “Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) said the Colombia prostitutes at the center of the Secret Service scandal may have been spies planted by the Russian government.” And if they were… well, Chuck’s gonna give those ladies what for, he is. Read more on Chuck Grassley’s Got This Whole Secret Service Problem Covered, You Guys…
  dr. livingstone is in

Wonkette Endorsements: This Swashbuckling GOP Lunatic Spy

Who’s the man who offered to help get Khadafi out of Libya for a cool $10 mill? Neil Livingstone! Who’s the cat on a yacht full of pussy-for-hire? Neil Livingstone! Who fled from Argentine Nazis, ate borscht with Russian mafia, and was “wrongly subpoenaed for gun running and involvement in the Iran-Contra affair”? Neil Livingstone. You can see why Your Wonkette has no choice but to endorse Neil Livingstone for … let’s see … yes, it says right here, Montana governor! Super shady “security expert” Dr. Neil Livingstone (yes, that’s right) is now trying to downplay how completely and irredeemably awesome he is, taking a buncha spy stuff off his website. But there’s no running away from the book he wrote for other Men of the World about how not to get rolled by hookers while you are off being a Man of the World. Read more on Wonkette Endorsements: This Swashbuckling GOP Lunatic Spy…
  surge protector

U.S. Scaling Down To Just 8,000 ‘Diplomats’ In Iraq Forever

One reason Americans were denied the cleansing vision of the last U.S. diplomats fleeing Baghdad by helicopter is because, haha, we sort of left the diplomats there — all 16,000 State Department personnel and military contractors and poorly disguised CIA torture spies and oil company representatives. But now, with “hard times” or whatever the current phrase to explain why the superbillionaires have whatever they want and even the American Empire must scale back, due to lack of money, Washington is planning to cut the staff and contractors in Iraq by half. Read more on U.S. Scaling Down To Just 8,000 ‘Diplomats’ In Iraq Forever…
  unique perspectives

Michele Bachmann Reminds America of Its Soviet Troubles

At this point, we have started to really wonder if Michele Bachmann is just a demented lunatic who flunked 6th grade American History, or if she is actually living in some sort of alternate universe/time continuum. If it is the latter, then maybe everyone else is wrong for not yelling, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ELVIS!” and “DEATH TO THE SOVIET UNION!” This is what Michele Bachmann has done in recent days, as she comes down from whatever high she had obtained binge-eating raw butter in Iowa. Read more on Michele Bachmann Reminds America of Its Soviet Troubles…
  business as usual

SUPER SHOCKER: American Killer In Pakistan Works For CIA

The American assassin held in Pakistan for shooting two people dead on the street was not just a random guy who wandered off his AARP tour bus, but in fact is a soldier of fortune employed by the CIA to murder people in foreign countries. Working for one of the thousands of covert assassination teams you pay for with your tax dollars, “Raymond A. Davis, a retired Special Forces soldier, carried out scouting and other reconnaissance missions for a Central Intelligence Agency task force of case officers and technical surveillance experts.” The people are rising up around the world, revolutions are arranged via Facebook and Twitter, you can watch HD videos of teenagers cutting themselves on your wireless telephone, but the American Government still conducts its international business the same way it did a half-century ago. Read more on SUPER SHOCKER: American Killer In Pakistan Works For CIA…
  chinese democracy

Superspy Christine O’Donnell Knows China’s Plans To Invade USA

Espionage heroine Christine O’Donnell took a break from dabbling in witchcraft and eating meatballs and not masturbating to get some super secret classified data from China! And what has she learned from analyzing these documents from Beijing? The Heathen Chinaman is about to invade America!! It’s a terrible burden, to know what’s going to happen to the United States! But Christine O’Donnell has accepted this responsibility, in that she blabbed about this classified spy info during a debate in 2006, when she was also running for a Senate seat. Read more on Superspy Christine O’Donnell Knows China’s Plans To Invade USA…
  it's morning in america

Even Communist Europeans Making More Money Than Us

“The business of America is business” said Calvin Coolidge, America’s greatest president; the obvious implication is that the business of America’s enemies, the Foreigns, is using their eight weeks of vacation to sit around in romantic cafes, smoking and discussing their latest extramarital affairs with rueful detachment. That’s why it’s particularly disheartening to learn that America remains a nation of unemployed slobs while European countries like Germany, Spain, and even (shudder) France are doing better. That’s just pathetic, America. Pathetic. Read more on Even Communist Europeans Making More Money Than Us… Read more on Even Communist Europeans Making More Money Than Us…
  Just calling it like he sees it

Tom Friedman Is Embarrassed About Our Loser Russian Spies

Tom Friedman went on vacation — surely you were rudderless in his absence! — and while he was sunnin’ and funnin’ the whole thing with the Russian spies broke. Since his return from vacay, Friedman has reflected on the issue (he is reflective!) and decided that it’s “actually a good news/bad news story” for America: good, because somebody still wants our secrets, but bad because it’s the Russians. “Who wants to be spied on by them?” he asks. Hey Tom Friedman, if the Russians are so wack, then how come you’re sporting that Joe Stalin mustache after all these years? Read more on Tom Friedman Is Embarrassed About Our Loser Russian Spies…
  it's morning in america

Each American Spy Worth 2.5 Russian Spies — USA! USA!

Everyone who misses the Cold War, with its moral simplicity and its ever-present threat of complete nuclear annihilation, is over the moon this morning as America and the Russians kicked it old school and swapped spies! America gave up ten sexy suburban Russian spies for a bunch of Russians who had actually spied for America. The trade-off took place on the tarmac at Vienna’s airport, for no reason other than that’s where we used to do this sort of thing. Read more on Each American Spy Worth 2.5 Russian Spies — USA! USA!… Read more on Each American Spy Worth 2.5 Russian Spies — USA! USA!…
  like ebay but for captured spies

Will U.S. Trade Hot Russian Spies For Whatever U.S. Spies?

We’ve heard on a Numbers Station (the Internet) that Washington and Moscow are about to trade spies back and forth, proving again to the world that post-Cold War secret agent work is a joke. (The real spying is done over the Internet, using “hackers” and “the band Phish” and other deeply unseemly technologies.) The question remains, however: Will the American spies traded for the captured dumb-but-hot Russian spies be equally as hot? Does the CIA have some weird eugenics program that makes the kind of attractive Americans who could pass for Europeans or whatever? Read more on Will U.S. Trade Hot Russian Spies For Whatever U.S. Spies?…
  that's one approach

Obama Suggests Adding MEDICARE SPIES To Health Care Reform

Barack Obama has written a letter, to the Congress, listing four very serious Republican things from last week’s summit that he’d be willing to compromise on to make things super bipartisan. It is fairly obvious that Republicans will accept these provisions and vote for the bill enthusiastically. Congress will pass it into law tomorrow morning-ish, 535-0, in a special joint-session lawn party. Grassley’s gonna shit red white and blue firecrackers for the keynote address. Not that it matters, but let’s check out these Four Humours anyway: “The proposals Obama mentioned are: sending investigators disguised as patients to uncover fraud and waste; expanding medical malpractice reform pilot programs; increasing payments to Medicaid providers and expanding the use of health savings accounts.” So pretty basic stuff WAIT WHAT WAS THAT FIRST ONE? Read more on Obama Suggests Adding MEDICARE SPIES To Health Care Reform…
  important policy proposals

GOOD QUESTION, CQ SPY BLOGGER

No. No. No. Stop it. No. None of that. Stop. The CIA should not use the occasion of a “Twitter Revolution” to secretly attempt regime change in Iran. That’s just nuts. No. Please just stop this. C’mon. The rest of the article explains how this would be an idiotic and terrible idea, so why even? Stop. No CIA. No CIA meddling. No. Stop. Stop it. [CQ/Spy Talk] Read more on GOOD QUESTION, CQ SPY BLOGGER…
  skullduggery

Bushie Intel Director Flees For His Life

Director of National Intelligence Mike McConnell, a known weasel who bravely condoned (and lied about) whatever torture the Bush Administration wanted, has abruptly quit and is reportedly trying to make an international flight out of Dulles before too many passengers at the gate notice the sweaty twerp with the duffelbag full of loose bills looks just like that douche Wolf Blitzer is talking about on all the teevees everywhere! Read more on Bushie Intel Director Flees For His Life…
 

Putin Steps Down! And Then Steps Up!

While America spent the day either dancing on Hillary Clinton’s grave or trying to jump into it, a very important event transpired in nation of Russia: as expected, Vladimir Putin departed his post as president. But now he will be the prime minister, and some stooge whose name Hillary mangled in a debate will be the “president” instead. This will allow Putin to continue to walk around topless and cavort with flexy gymnasts half his age while Dmitry Medvedev attends to important affairs such as poisoning spies. Exciting photos of President Medvedev’s swearing-in ceremony after the jump! Read more on Putin Steps Down! And Then Steps Up!…
 

Bush Loves Him! Meet The Navy SEAL Special Ops Super-Spook

Hot, bald and stumpy Navy Rear Admiral Robert Harward is pulling a coup, thanks to our brave tribal leader George W. Bush. At the President’s recommendation, he’s jumping from one star to three-star vice admiral, a rare double promotion. How much enduring of freedom has Harward done to get such love from our beloved President? Why Harward, and not other SEALs such as crazed wrestler-governor Jesse Ventura or Vietnam killer of children and current New School president Bob Kerrey? Read more on Bush Loves Him! Meet The Navy SEAL Special Ops Super-Spook…
 

Chinese Spies Learn Every Secret About America, For Only $9.95!

newVideoPlayer("spies.flv", 463, 387,"");The Department of Justice announced today that it is charging evil Chinese spies — one of whom is American, like Jesus — with giving secrets to the evil Red China mainland. Being a Bush administration Department, however, they manage to find the silver lining in this press conference: it’s because our economy is so Free! See, the liberals would red-tape the secret-swapping market to death, and that’s why you should vote for Alan Keyes. [AP/Google] Read more on Chinese Spies Learn Every Secret About America, For Only $9.95!…
 

Not just anyone gets to lobby the CIA, but you might be surprised to hear that one of them is eBay! “A spokesman for CIA did not respond to a request for comment.” LOL! I hate it when people don’t leave feedback! [Washington Post] Read more on …
 

NSA To Recruit Children, Furries

Hey, kids! Have you ever wanted to listen in on the conversations of other people without them knowing it? Create codes that allow spies in the field to get information about enhanced interrogation techniques without those killjoys at Amnesty International finding out? Dress up as a totally extreme rapping turtle and get a blow job from a sexy lady squirrel? Well now you can, thanks to the Cryptokids– the NSA’s new program for young people and furfans. The Web site, with detailed biographies of its cadre of rad furry spies, has had so much more effort put into it than we’re comfortable thinking about. But it’s important to recruit children into the spy apparatus, as it’s the best way to get info on the parents. We call them “nature’s hidden listening devices”! As for the furries, well: do you want that fat sweaty guy in the raccoon suit working for us … or for the terrorists? Read more on NSA To Recruit Children, Furries…
 

Gay Traitors’ Gay-ness Not to Blame For Treason, as They Weren’t Actually Gay

William Hamilton Martin and Bernon Mitchell worked for the NSA back in the late 1950s, when the NSA was still wiretapping on coconut radios and pterodactyl phonographs. In 1960, they flew to Mexico, then to Cuba, and took a freighter to the Soviet Union, where they were immediately granted citizenship and gave a press conference where they announced that they’d fit in much better in the USSR because the USSR wasn’t full of squares and phonies (it was 1960, remember). Back home, everyone decided that these two had defected because they were totally gay for each other. Read more on Gay Traitors’ Gay-ness Not to Blame For Treason, as They Weren’t Actually Gay…
 

Rumors On The Internets: Then You Don’t Go Killing All The Bees

* New JFK assassination film released only 45 years after the Powers That Be killed him. It’s great how the “amateur photographer” got establishing shots of the Texas School Book Depository and the sixth-floor windows before the murder. [Raw Story] * The teevee causes “cancer, autism, dementia” and other problems, no matter what you watch. PBS probably causes AIDS. [Scotsman] * Seriously, watching the teevee will kill you, and then your corpse will sit there for a year or so. [IHT] * Texas congressman Sam Johnson (R-Schizophrenic) was all for withholding U.S. military funding in Bosnia because “the president has tied our hands, gone against the wishes of the American people, and this is the last best way I know how to show my respect for our American servicemen and women.” Obviously, he loves the Iraq Surge today. [Reason Hit & Run] * U.S. spies reading, laughing at your e-mail. [Cryptogon] * This little fascist Rep. Lamar Smith (R-Cunt) wants all your Internet traffic and searches and IMs and emails recorded forever and provided to the government, even though Google already does that. {Security Focus] * WALNUTS! McCain kicks Rummy when he’s down. [CNN] Read more on Rumors On The Internets: Then You Don’t Go Killing All The Bees…