The so-called media elites in this godforsaken country got it all wrong yesterday, playing up that “Beltway Rumble” between Barack Obama and Dick Cheney. They should’ve been paying attention to the day’s most important speech from OH WE DON’T KNOW maybe the current President of the United States, George Bush Junior? He’s alive! And while his former intern Dick Cheney was cackling about death and carnage and sadism in Washington, Bush was cold talkin’ dog shit with a bunch of high school kids in the alien concentration camp of Roswell, New Mexico. MORE »

• NOT A BAD MOVE ACTUALLY: Former President George W. Bush missed both Obama and Cheney’s speeches today, because he was traveling to, let’s see, New Mexico, “where he is the keynote speaker Thursday night at a fund raising dinner for a scholarship program for students at Artesia High School.” [Political Ticker]

Barack Obama went to what he fancy-calls a “Muslim-majority” nation today, Turkey, to hock his “legacy assets” under the guise of “reconciliation” after years of “Overseas Contingency Operations.” In other words he gave a speech to the Turkish Parliament in which he “promoted terrorism against white Christian landowning Americans.” Everyone should thank our President for this devastating Freeper bait. MORE »

The Washington press corps has come full circle, everyone! Famous Karl Rove-loving wingnut Ron Fournier, who is somehow the Washington Bureau Chief for the AP, has written crucial News Analysis of the Obama press conference last night. We know it’s “analysis,” you see, because that word is in the headline: “Analysis: Teleprompter telegraphs Obama caution.” MORE »

The best part of this speech (parts one, two, and three) was definitely when Obama started making jokes about Joe Biden, which is how he “deals” with Joe Biden. (”I have no idea who this insane Delaware hustler is, always following me around, ha ha!” etc.) Otherwise we’ve heard a lot about working on green technology, health care, and education, but very little about new Weaponry. How are we to go about the business of Warring? MORE ERIC CANTOR. MORE »

Hey you squawking dingleberries on the cable teevee news? Are you aware there was a Stock Market Rally today? The S&P shot up 4%, which is … about a 10% “recovery.com” from the October collapse? Still! Anyway, obviously, this presidency is in dire shape, what with a very popular new president and all, so let’s watch this speech CLOSELY for signs of WEAKNESS. If you see any such sign, SELL OFF YOUR INVESTMENTS, and abandon your mortgage. It’s his fault! Let’s liveblog, with the best political liveblogging team in History. MORE »

Oh jesus we turned on the CNN and the first thing we heard was your favorite Campbell uttering that most terrifying word from 2008: “expectations.” As in, “Hey Roland, what expectations does President Obama have to meet tonight in order to ‘win’ the American people? David and Jeffrey, you guys just chime in, after Roland.” These people do know that Barack Obama won the election, which was last November, right? Anyway let’s see what other post-analytical proverbs of doom the CNN folks can bestow upon us. MORE »

Barry. Enough of this. “The time for talk is over.” Well, then stop talking. Let Susan Collins and Ben Nelson and Jim Webb etc. have their $80-$100 billion in cuts, and pass the thing with 65 votes (MODEST UPDATE: or don’t, but explain!) And fire Harry Reid. These “we need to stop bickering and act now” speeches are irritating, nasty, and condescending. But you still look good in a suit! [YouTube, TPMDC]

Oh man, he got away with it! He’s now president even though he was born in like Kenya or communist Africa or whatever! Enjoy being Muslims, America, because that is exactly what you became when Barry spewed his secret snake code all over Abraham Lincoln’s 400-pound brown hellbox, the Bible. Let’s liveblog his declaration of jihad against you people, the whites. MORE »

You did it, Liberals! Thanks to your help, your hard work, this country will officially be renamed “The American Caliphate” in January, 2009. Oy. Jesus damn. Forty years ago your associate editor’s neighborhood in Southeast D.C. was on fire, nightly. The MLK assassination did not “go over” very well here. But right now, there are two fireworks displays running strong and people honking their horns, for fun. People get so worked up about things, don’t they?… Well let’s stop rambling and see what the new President has to say. MORE »

Welcome to the last night of this horrid week, which started with a hurricane and ends with an old man struggling to read a teleprompter — an American Journey, really. Anyway, your entire Wonkette Team is here, at the Xcel Center, just plain eatin’ sandwiches and typing, from tables on the Club Level (?), and we will liveblog things such as John McCain’s speech, or maybe we’ll just burst out of here with the usual disgust in about an hour, and blog from Liffey’s Pub, again & forever. Let’s glance over the Lindsey Graham and Tom Ridge speeches that are embargoed, okay? MORE »