Wonkette

LOLLLLLLZZZZZ: “WASHINGTON (AP) - Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani will give the keynote address at the Republican National Convention next month.” COMEDY. GOLD. [AP]

WE JUST ASSUMED HE WAS DEAD: “Former Vice President Al Gore has accepted a speaking role on the final night of the Democratic convention, appearing on the same stage that Barack Obama will officially receive the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination.” Presumptuous. Would it be so wrong to pray for rain? [CNN]

Liberals are very upset with John McCain, again, because it appears he has PLAGIARIZED the famous website Wikipedia in his speech about Georgia and Russia. John McCain is using Wikipedia! That’s all we care about and are very happy to learn that he’s discovered this completely awesome and accurate website. But as some of those rascally bloggers have discovered, McCain used such words and dates as “in,” “of,” “economic,” and “1922″ in much the same sequence that Wikipedia used them in a historical laundry list of facts! It’s like he’s writing a college history paper’s “background” section in the post-2005 era — by copy-pasting it from any damn website, because who cares. MORE »

It’s not just John McCain, but all of “these people,” who can think of no better way to spend their time than by making petty one-liners about Barack Obama giving a speech to a large number of human beings somewhere. Famous conservative bastion The Corner — the National Review’s chit-chatty blog — is having a field day even by its high standards. After the jump, some of the notable moments from this online club of semi-literate divorcees forever bitching about their exes. MORE »

For Christ’s sake, Walnuts, you’re making it too easy: “He tells reporters in a Columbus, Ohio German restaurant he’d love to give a speech in Germany. ‘But I’d much prefer to do it as president of the United States rather than as a candidate for president.’” Maybe he could’ve DONE ANYTHING ELSE besides this, during Obama’s speech? WATCHING IT AT A GERMAN RESTAURANT IN OHIO? WHINING? Take a nap, my friend. [The Page]

Mean old John McCain was all, “Oh yeah, boy? Go fight The Kaiser in Nazi Germany like I did, then we’ll see who was tortured.” So Barack Obama got on a plane and went to Germany, via every other country in the world, and now he’s going to give his famous speech! We are going to liveblog it! You can tell your kids about this day, when you were at work, and Wonkette liveblogged some thing on teevee! MORE »

• YES, WE WILL BE LIVEBLOGGING OBAMA’S BERLIN SPEECH: From the moment he flies in on his Bat-wings to his ecstatic departure aboard the Paultard zeppelin to Mars, we will be there with you, typing. Stay tuned.

After veritable days of speculation about where Barack Obama would deliver an inspirational speech to the German people — the sausage barn where JFK declared he was a donut? the Reichstag? Angela Merkel’s bosom? — we finally get an answer. He will speak in front of Berlin’s “Siegessaeule,” or Victory Column! According to Politico, it is “a symbol of Prussian military dominance in the 19th century.” Barack Obama will spread his message of hope and peace from atop a giant War Dildo. [Welt Online via Politico]

The Obama campaign has sent its latest self-important “Big Announcement” email, and it’s funny! He will not be giving his empty-rhetoric convention speech in some smoky back room with George Soros and Scrooge McDuck as his only audience, which is customary. He will hold it outdoors, for everyone to attend, but only if they turn off their Xboxes first: “Barack will leave the convention hall and join more than 75,000 people for a huge, free, open-air event where he will deliver his acceptance speech to the American people.” But what if it rained on his parade, as they say? Or what if no one showed up, since the speech will be on the teevee and no one gives a shit anyway? Answer: book the Decemberists. Oh and also, if you give this clown more money he might let you, uh, watch him speak from a decent vantage point or what have you. [Barack Obama]

John McCain’s speech last night — the kickoff to his general election campaign — was, simply, constipated. Whenever he tried to make one of his “zingers,” he started giggling or, as the still to your left shows, he whipped out the ol’ gun-slinger gesture to recognize his four supporters (1:28 into the below clip). There was no Gravitas to his terrible lies this time, and everything was green, and he questioned the government’s need to solve problems while speaking in New Orleans. Did “Cougs” Cindy slip him a percocet, or did old WALNUTS! just spend 10 minutes too long with his ether rag yesterday afternoon? Anyway, check out the comical highlight reel below, which ends with a crescendo of “Th-that’s not ch-ange we can be-ee-lieve in.” MORE »