More Speeches You Don’t Care About, Before You See Them On TeeVee
Thursday, September 4th, 2008
Welcome to the last night of this horrid week, which started with a hurricane and ends with an old man struggling to read a teleprompter — an American Journey, really. Anyway, your entire Wonkette Team is here, at the Xcel Center, just plain eatin’ sandwiches and typing, from tables on the Club Level (?), and we will liveblog things such as John McCain’s speech, or maybe we’ll just burst out of here with the usual disgust in about an hour, and blog from Liffey’s Pub, again & forever. Let’s glance over the Lindsey Graham and Tom Ridge speeches that are embargoed, okay? MORE »
Welcome to the last night of this horrid week, which started with a hurricane and ends with an old man struggling to read a teleprompter — an American Journey, really. Anyway, your entire Wonkette Team is here, at the Xcel Center, just plain eatin’ sandwiches and typing, from tables on the Club Level (?), and we will liveblog things such as John McCain’s speech, or maybe we’ll just burst out of here with the usual disgust in about an hour, and blog from Liffey’s Pub, again & forever. Let’s glance over the Lindsey Graham and Tom Ridge speeches that are embargoed, okay? MORE »
Do you love to know what the politicians will say about an hour before they say it? Then you’ll love reading tonight’s speeches by nasty sex ferret Rudy Giuliani, Mormon charmer Mitt Romney, and “You Might Be A Redneck” star Mike Huckabee. Go ahead, read them or whatever. 
When this whole hurricane thing happened, millions of Republicans breathed a sigh of relief: this “tragic” weather event gave such national embarrassments as our president and vice president a natural reason for skipping the party convention, out of respect for the people several thousand miles to the south who did not drown this time. But even though President Bush will not be at the Republican National Convention in body, he will be there in mind, through the magic of space robots! 
So after the four hours of sunstroke and no wireless and some enthusiastic dog-whistler deafening everyone in a 30-foot perimeter of his terrifying noises, we emerged from Invesco Field and began the four hundred-mile journey on foot through Mordor. This was seriously the most complicated, arduous exit from a public venue since a half-million people stampeded out of Wolf Blitzer’s live sex show at the Republican National Convention in 1996. Follow us on a perilous journey past Jersey barriers, under abandoned bridges, through hobo encampments, and into the darkest reaches of the American id. 
Hillary Clinton is the most orange woman alive tonight. “Orange” is the color of Unity, and Barack Obama. Are the PUMAs buying it? No, because they’re sociopaths. But maybe enough people are. It’s all about getting your 51%, and Hillary could offer like 2%, right now! 3%! 
Mark Warner is a stud, especially from the Upper Deck of a Denver arena! What was he talking about, Change We Need? Changing energy? Saving the middle class? No: Changing the middle class. Yes We Can show those toothless gypsy whiners how to make a goddamn dollar every once in a while. 
“The man stood outside his RV, yelling and shooting a gun into the air. When Pasco sheriff’s deputies confronted him, he ran inside and wouldn’t come out … Finally, about 5 a.m., he exited his RV and was taken into custody. The cause of his displeasure, according to Doll, was Michelle Obama’s speech last night at the Democratic National Convention.” Displeasure? Maybe pleasure. We will never know. Well, we will know. For now what we know is that a man in Florida watched Michelle Obama speak at the Democratic National Convention then left his trailer, screaming like a banshee, shooting at the sky. [
As you know, the worst mayor ever of anything, Rudy Giuliani, will deliver the 
LOLLLLLLZZZZZ: “WASHINGTON (AP) - Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani will give the keynote address at the Republican National Convention next month.” COMEDY. GOLD. [
WE JUST ASSUMED HE WAS DEAD: “Former Vice President Al Gore has accepted a speaking role on the final night of the Democratic convention, appearing on the same stage that Barack Obama will officially receive the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination.” Presumptuous. Would it be 
Liberals are very upset with John McCain, again, because it appears he has PLAGIARIZED the famous website Wikipedia in his speech about Georgia and Russia. John McCain is using Wikipedia! That’s all we care about and are very happy to learn that he’s discovered this completely awesome and accurate website. But as some of those rascally bloggers have discovered, McCain used such words and dates as “in,” “of,” “economic,” and “1922″ in much the same sequence that Wikipedia used them in a historical laundry list of facts! It’s like he’s writing a college history paper’s “background” section in the post-2005 era — by copy-pasting it from any damn website, because who cares. 
It’s not just 