Tag Archives: speeches

  do it to us one more time

Here Is Your Latest Obama Speech, For You To Fap To

After the week we’ve had, go ahead and treat yourself. Stripping starts at about 4:30. Then it gets even better. Tell us again, Barack, about the great things in the Affordable Care Act. Again. Again! [CSPAN, via Slog] Read more on Here Is Your Latest Obama Speech, For You To Fap To…
  hot jesus scoops

Political World Somehow Shocked To Hear Rick Santorum Rant About Satan

Did you know that Rick Santorum is a very Christian person? He’d always come across to us like a publicly secular, church on Easter and Christmas only kinda guy who doesn’t really “buy into all that stuff.” But nope, he’s Christian as the dickens, and he sees everything as a struggle between God and Satan. American voters finally learned all of this yesterday when Matt Drudge published a 2008 speech of Santorum’s describing Satan’s attack on America. We now have to consider the possibility: Could it be that Rick Santorum is something of a religious nut? Read more on Political World Somehow Shocked To Hear Rick Santorum Rant About Satan…
  stfu sotu

States and Unions: Why Have Either? Liveblogging the SOTU, Part Deux

Oh hi, how is the State of the Union? Sounds pretty gassy so far, what with the drilling for natural gas in every national park, and the drilling for more Blackwater spills on every U.S. coast, and shale oil extraction to ruin the Earth for a thousand generations, etc. Yay? Why not just, uh, stop having a civilization based on the burning of fossil fuels? Well, that will happen soon enough! ALSO: What is with the Pac-Man Jobs Program? Read more on States and Unions: Why Have Either? Liveblogging the SOTU, Part Deux…
  how to succeed in bigotry

Santorum Totally Reached Across the Aisle to Hitler-Like Democrats

Resurrecting the speeches of fiendish politicians is the best thing about the Internet, and today we have a new floating spirit in the form of a speech Rick Santorum gave on the Senate floor in 2005 during the Democrats’ attempt to filibuster President Bush’s judicial appointments. The surly fellow compared his friends across the aisle to Hitler. But not to fear, he’s only one of FOUR current or recently dropped-out Republican presidential candidates to bring up the Nazi empire when speaking about fairly harmless people standing in the way of their glory. Read more on Santorum Totally Reached Across the Aisle to Hitler-Like Democrats…
  liveblogging auditions

Liveblogging (?) Obama’s Latest Afghanistan Plan Speech Thing

Remember when Barack Obama was all, “And I will stop having all these wars everywhere”? No? Lately, people have been telling us that he never said anything of the sort, which is kind of funny, haha, because we all believed that was his intention, right? We don’t have five whole minutes to go read Wikipedia about it, but now that Obama has been president for almost twelve years three years, we do sort of remember that he just used to go around and smirk thoughtfully at Hillary and say “Iraq is a dumb war.” But he didn’t really say he would end wars, and really all wars are dumb, except for the defense contractors and the oil companies and hedge funds that get to go “privatize” everything when the war is over, in five-thousand years. WARBLOGGIN’ TIME. Read more on Liveblogging (?) Obama’s Latest Afghanistan Plan Speech Thing…
  woah of woahs

BIN LADEN DEAD: American Victory Over That Guy Liveblog Part II

The wat is over. This is reality: Osama bin Laden, killer of people in office buildings, is dead. President Barack Hussein Obama overcame his devotion to Allah and the cause of the terrorists to do what the white idiot who preceeded him could not: our armed forces cornered the bastard in a SUBURBAN MANSION and the president made the call to take him out in a firefight. Americans shot the bearded troll, pulled out his body, and now that the CSI checks are over, the United States is in the possession of its greatest enemy’s corpse. Oh God, what do we do with this body? And, uh, can we maybe close Guantanamo and have our civil liberties back now? Read more on BIN LADEN DEAD: American Victory Over That Guy Liveblog Part II…
  articulate

Donald Trump Shouts ‘F Word’ Multiple Times In Las Vegas Speech

“Curse-bombs,” the AP calls them. Yep, that is a way to get attention. We have a feeling Donald Trump is going to really focus on winning Nevada, as he can pretty much just hang around Las Vegas for months and do ridiculous things. “This white tiger and I go way back. Come over here, white tiger. Yeah, come over here. Let me tell you about this white tiger. There’s no better businessman in this state than this white tiger, and I really mean that. We’ve made some big deals together. I’m probably going to make this white tiger my running mate. Also, I have a lot of money.” Read more on Donald Trump Shouts ‘F Word’ Multiple Times In Las Vegas Speech…
  open it sister

A Live List of Insane Things Michele Bachmann Has Said At CPAC

We just started watching. Keep refreshing this! “If the president wanted to be like Ronald Reagan, he would sign a balanced budget amendment!” “We are the Saudi Arabia of energy!” “A three-legged stool… won’t fall over easily.” (Conservatives are a three-legged stool.) Read more on A Live List of Insane Things Michele Bachmann Has Said At CPAC…
  and also something something salmon

Mubarak To Retire, Spend More Time Being Dictator To Family

Egypt President Hosni Mubarak has finally given into protests somewhat, saying he will not “run” (as if he ever has) in the fall for a new term in office. Woah! It’s as if public sentiment could stop him from winning another election! “I have spent enough time serving Egypt,” he said, which, coincidentally, is exactly what those million protestors were just thinking. It’s amazing how they think so alike, he and the protestors! Mubarak has probably been so quiet the last week because he was right down there with the protestors and only just now realized that he was the guy they were protesting. Anyway, we didn’t watch this live, but we assume Mubarak rattled something off about “bipartisanship,” said he wanted to spend more time being a dictator to his family, and thanked his close personal friend and mentor, former New York Governor David Paterson. Read more on Mubarak To Retire, Spend More Time Being Dictator To Family…
  al qaeda has trout btw

President Obama’s State of the Salmon Address

We thought it was odd the American public described Obama’s speech on Tuesday as “salmon.” But you know what? We looked back at the video, and it’s true. That whole thing was about salmon. Read more on President Obama’s State of the Salmon Address…
  give that gavel back biden

Smaller Budgets! Bigger Lapel Ribbons!: SOTU Liveblog Part II

His fellow Americans, there is an economy, and we should have more of it. Because if we don’t have more economy, some other country will (Russia, because the economy is actual a spaceship). Yes, the president of the United States is doing his duty to tell Congress about what’s he’s up to these days, so that a-hole supervisor of his can just lay off, okay? We are continuing our loyal liveblog. Afterward: the official Republican Response to Volcano Reform and the official Michele Bachmann “Slavery Didn’t Happen” equal-time opportunity. Read more on Smaller Budgets! Bigger Lapel Ribbons!: SOTU Liveblog Part II…
  your new textbook

Incredible Michele Bachmann Speech Gets Every Historical Fact Wrong

Why does Michele Bachmann like the history of the founding fathers so much? Because, apparently, you can just make it up as you go along! Listen ye children as we do a “close read” of this speech and discover the many amazing improvised historical facts Michele Bachmann made up for us. Read more on Incredible Michele Bachmann Speech Gets Every Historical Fact Wrong…
  wearing glasses doesn't make you smart

Basically, Richard Cohen Wants You To Know He Goes To Insidery Funerals

Like many professionals of a certain age, Richard Cohen goes to a lot of funerals. Very, very, very soon, he will attend his own, and everyone will be able to laugh in his face about how stupid he was. But for now, he must write Washington Post op-eds letting us know that he goes to, like, the most important memorial services ever. Case in point: He went to Richard Holbrooke’s last week! What a hott ticket, right? Whom did he have to blow to go to that? Everyone? Yes. So Richard Cohen had to get an article out of this, right? But what to say? How about, “Barack Obama hates Richard Holbrooke so much that he gave a better speech in Tucson”? Sure, that works. Read more on Basically, Richard Cohen Wants You To Know He Goes To Insidery Funerals…
  losers

Arlen Specter Manages To Complete Final Senate Speech Without Switching Parties

Arlen Specter, still talking, but for one last time: “The spectacular re-election of Senator Lisa Murkowski on a write-in vote in the Alaskan general election and the defeat of other Tea Party candidates in 2010 in general elections may show the way to counter right-wing extremists,” he said. “By bouncing back and winning, Senator Murkowski demonstrated that a moderate-centrist can win by informing and arousing the general electorate. Her victory proves that America still wants to be and can be governed by the center.” Read more on Arlen Specter Manages To Complete Final Senate Speech Without Switching Parties…
  let us non-economist bloggers tell you the solution sir

Obama Has a Nice Little Afternoon Economic Speech

Barack Obama would like to sing a love ballad with the economy, but the economy is sick and bed-ridden and being a real dick right now, so he has to make speeches to the American people about it, and did so this afternoon in Ohio. Yes, the media would prefer to talk about some random nobody pastor in Florida who likes to burn holy books. That is more important than the president. But Obama is going to talk about the economy anyway. So what sort of weird things is he yammering on about while nobody pays attention? Read more on Obama Has a Nice Little Afternoon Economic Speech…
  explode 'em if you got 'em

Obama To Declare End of Iraq War In Speeches, 7.5 Years After He Started It

President Obama has finally decided to end his ill-begotten idea to make war on Iraq, and he will be joining anti-war activist George W. Bush and motivational speaker Sarah Palin on the ol’ public speaking circuit to announce that this Mission is Accomplished. WAIT. To announce that this “Task” is “Finished.” There we go. Wouldn’t want to suggest that this is “Mission Accomplished!” Heh heh. Whew. Listen up, surviving militants and potential zombie militants: The war is pretty much over! So you definitely will not do anything to mess up this peaceful transition of power, correct? Read more on Obama To Declare End of Iraq War In Speeches, 7.5 Years After He Started It…
  the trix rabbit

Robert Gates Hates All Children Who Aren’t Boy Scouts

Defense Secretary Robert Gates addressed this week’s Boy Scout Jamboree, the most important event in our nation’s history, because SOMEBODY couldn’t bother to come. The Wall Street Journal described Gate’s speech as “cranky” — just because he attacked the character of innocent young (non Boy Scout) Americans, who are “increasingly physically unfit.” Read more on Robert Gates Hates All Children Who Aren’t Boy Scouts…
  treason

Sarah Palin-Endorsed Idaho Congressional Candidate Loves Barack Obama’s Speeches

Idaho congressional candidate Vaughn Ward was so happy when Sarah Palin came to endorse him and help him raise $50,000 from nearby fat-cat potato planters last week, even though Sarah Palin lost her clothes and had to steal new ones, probably from Vaughn Ward. Ward, considered the Favorite going into tomorrow’s GOP primary, may be in for a terrible next 24 hours, however, as news is going Viral about how he borrowed some hip-hop lyrics or Koran verses from Barack Obama’s 2004 DNC keynote speech. Read more on Sarah Palin-Endorsed Idaho Congressional Candidate Loves Barack Obama’s Speeches…
  foolproof plans

Ha Ha, The Army Thinks It Can Stop Sarah Palin From Giving An Inappropriate Speech

Hmm: “RALEIGH, N.C. — The U.S. Army plans to prevent media from covering Sarah Palin’s appearance at Fort Bragg, fearing the event will turn into political grandstanding against President Barack Obama, officials said Thursday.” This will have two effects: it (a) won’t prevent the media from covering Sarah Palin’s appearance at Fort Bragg and (b) won’t prevent the event from turning into political grandstanding against President Barack Obama. But there aren’t really any good options here for Army officials, because you know that Sarah Palin! She always goes rogue, always. She’s a “fresh breath of air,” as they say. [AP] Read more on Ha Ha, The Army Thinks It Can Stop Sarah Palin From Giving An Inappropriate Speech…
  today in death

Here Is A Funny Speech That Dead Iraq-War-Lover William Safire Wrote

Yeah so former Nixon speechwriter and the *original* New York Times “lightning rod conservative” columnist William “Bill” Safire died yesterday. Whaddaya want us to do about it, jesus… Anyway, Gawker found the most interesting/brief way to Honor this, the most recent political death: with this TERRIFYING bit of alternate history Safire drafted for Nixon in the event that Armstrong and Aldrin got STUCK on the moon and had to just sit there and DIE. [Gawker] Read more on Here Is A Funny Speech That Dead Iraq-War-Lover William Safire Wrote…