Tag Archives: speaker of the house

  When In Doubt Say You're The Real Victim

Nice Christian Fornicator ‘Blackmailed’ Into Spreading Fake Gay Sex Scandal

We are through the rabbit's looking glass, people!
You HAD to know, given that the two state legislators in this stupid Michigan sex scandal are rightwing teabagger Christians, that things would get even weirder and dumber. Friday, we told you how state Rep. Todd Courser came up with a Most Cunning Plan to cover up his affair with state Rep. Cindy Gamrat: He’d have an aide email the media a fake accusation that he was paying for gay hookers and addicted to porn, so that when the truth about his adulterous-but-hetero-affair with Gamrat came out, it would seem mild by comparison. Genius! And now, here’s another shoe: Courser claims the only reason he made up that gay sex story was that he was being blackmailed, and he was going to use the fraudulent story to flush out the blackmailer. That’s the ticket! Read more on Nice Christian Fornicator ‘Blackmailed’ Into Spreading Fake Gay Sex Scandal…
  Worser and worser

This Lady Says Sick Bastard Denny Hastert Molested The Hell Out Of Her Brother In High School

Sick fuck if true
Remember when we told you the story of the indictment of former Speaker of the House Denny Hastert, for allegedly paying hush money to cover up his sexual abuse of a former student known only as “Individual A,” was only going to get worse? It’s worse. Read more on This Lady Says Sick Bastard Denny Hastert Molested The Hell Out Of Her Brother In High School…
  we can say it out loud now

Yep, Ex-Speaker Denny Hastert Paid Hush Money To Cover Up Kid-Diddling. ALLEGEDLY.

Not actually Denny Hastert
So yeah. The dark secret not detailed in the indictment against former Republican House Speaker Denny Hastert, for allegedly agreeing to pay “Individual A” $3.5 million to keep his dark secret a secret and lying to the FBI about it? The details of which U.S. Attorney Zachary T. Fardon agreed to omit from the indictment for reasons we cannot begin to imagine? Well, according to the L.A. Times, Hastert’s secret is that he a sick son of a bitch whose “prior misconduct” was sexually abusing someone who’d known Hastert most of his life (a former student, maybe?), back in his coaching and teaching days, before he became a member of Congress: Read more on Yep, Ex-Speaker Denny Hastert Paid Hush Money To Cover Up Kid-Diddling. ALLEGEDLY….
  It's always the cover-up

Let’s Remember That Time Speaker Denny Hastert Covered Up A GOP Sex Scandal!

Shed a tear for Denny
Back when Republican Denny Hastert was Speaker of the House — before he became a lobbyist and before he was indicted for paying someone a whole lot of hush money to cover up “prior misconduct,” whatever that means, we are terrified to find out — there was this whole other thing Hastert tried to keep all hushed up, and it was a gross Republican sex scandal (our favorite kind). Time to flashback thingy! Read more on Let’s Remember That Time Speaker Denny Hastert Covered Up A GOP Sex Scandal!…
  Allegedly

Ex-Speaker Denny Hastert Indicted For Paying Hush Money To Cover Up Something REAL Bad

Good point!
Once upon a time, while the Republican Party was trying to recover from its self-inflicted wounds after its disastrous impeachment trial of President Bill Clinton for getting an extramarital hummer, conservative evangelical Illinois Republican Dennis Hastert became Speaker of the House. He wasn’t the first choice; Speaker Newt Gingrich had decided to retire, after making a mess of Congress, and the party’s second choice, Bob Livingston, also resigned in disgrace — for sexytiming someone who was not his wife — before he could even assume the position. Runner-up Hastert eventually landed the gig because of his clean-as-a-whistle reputation. Certainly he would not bring hypocritical shame to the party that had just thrown a constitutional temper tantrum over a blowjob. Until now. Read more on Ex-Speaker Denny Hastert Indicted For Paying Hush Money To Cover Up Something REAL Bad…
  The Grownups Are Talking Dear

Louie Gohmert Defeated! Adults In Charge! Eat Your Pets!

Can't you just taste his bitter, drunken, photoshopped tears?
We’re Americans, and when life throws us lemons, we make lemonade, so get out the apron and light up the old barbecue, ’cause it’s time for some good old down-home “Moo Goo Dog Pan,” Louie Gohmert style. Sure, it sounds bad at first, but think of it like rape, say with a ten inch plastic vaginal probe, something you just have to lie back, close your eyes and enjoy when it happens to you, and eating your pets is happening to you, ’cause Louie Gohmert isn’t going to be Speaker of the House, and we owe those commie bastards in China money, because Obama. Read more on Louie Gohmert Defeated! Adults In Charge! Eat Your Pets!…
  #ReadyForLouie

New House Speaker Louie Gohmert Will Fix America, Depose Dumb Drunk RINO John Boehner

Image via Daily Show video Texas congressman and casual House-floor snacker Louie Gohmert delivered blessed news to the nation on the first Sunday of the new year: he will finally rise to be the savior America needs by defeating John Boehner to become the new Speaker of the House. Read more on New House Speaker Louie Gohmert Will Fix America, Depose Dumb Drunk RINO John Boehner…
  Ira We Hardly Knew Ye

Ira Hansen, Your New Favorite Nevada Wingnut, Already Calls It Quits

Goodnight Sweet Dunce
Just after we proclaimed him our favorite new wingnut and looked forward to a 2015 full of brilliantly idiotic quotes and policy positions, Nevada state assemblyman Ira Hansen has announced that he will not become Speaker of the Nevada House of Representatives after all. Read more on Ira Hansen, Your New Favorite Nevada Wingnut, Already Calls It Quits…
  The Far Right Stuff

Incoming Nevada Speaker Ira Hansen Is Your New Favorite Wingnut

Listen: Nevada Republicans are not interested in your “bipartisanship” or your “getting along” or your “logic and facts.” As soon as they took over the state House, they chose as their new Speaker one Ira Hansen, a gentleman who, according to the Reno News & Review, “doesn’t like blacks, gays, Israel, many Republicans, and most Nevadans[.]” Mr. Hansen got a brief mention in Yr Wonkette earlier this year when he explained that the reason Republicans don’t do so well with younger voters is that the GOP needs to be more firmly conservative on traditional marriage, to catch the wave of anti-gay sentiment among young folks. Read more on Incoming Nevada Speaker Ira Hansen Is Your New Favorite Wingnut…
  a boehner exploehner

GOP Malcontents’ Doomed, Clumsy Coup Against Boehner Will Totally Work This Time

He's in charge here
How’s John Boehner doing? Looks like pretty good — still breathing, still Speaker of the House, still getting incoherently slammed in public by members of his own caucus. The Hill reports they’re gonna do another coup! There are meetings! Like a dozen different, uncoordinated meetings: Read more on GOP Malcontents’ Doomed, Clumsy Coup Against Boehner Will Totally Work This Time…
  laugh while you can monkeyboy

Now Is The Time We Watch John Boehner’s Monkey. You Will Watch His Monkey! (Video)

He's in charge here
It’s time to retire the Oompa-Loompa pics, kids — the new pictorial stand-in for “John Boehner” will now be the windup monkey from this video. You see, John Boehner has a windup monkey in his office. According to the House Speaker’s website, the little bastard is “the second most photographed subject” in the office, right after the big bastard. We are informed that his staffers bought Boehner the leering windup monstrosity as a “light-hearted token of appreciation” in 2011, after he “joked in an interview that some days he felt like a windup toy because his jam-packed scheduled kept him so busy.” And so like Arthur “Two Sheds” Jackson, John Boehner finds himself fielding lots of questions about the monkey, like “Why do you have that monkey?” and “Can you wind up the monkey again?” and “Does the monkey cry at the drop of a hat too?” and “Is the monkey as single-mindedly devoted to stymying useful action in Congress as you are?” To help prove that we are indeed in the Silly Season, Boehner’s staff produced this informative video about the windup monkey in the speaker’s office, and also about the little toy that his staff gave him: Read more on Now Is The Time We Watch John Boehner’s Monkey. You Will Watch His Monkey! (Video)…
  costello unavailable for comment

Texas Governor Candidate Greg Abbott Wanted To Keep Cheats Like ‘Gregory W. Abbott’ From Voting, Even If They’re White

Texas has one humdinger of a Voter ID law, because they don’t want any more of the voter fraud going on. You know, the kind that doesn’t actually exist, but that everyone knows is rampant. One of the biggest supporters of the law is state Attorney General Greg Abbott, who’s also running for governor. He’s especially proud of the law’s provision that requires the name on people’s photo ID to be exactly the same as the name on the voter rolls, because only a voter-fraudy person would register to vote under a different name than the one on their driver’s license, right? Like for instance this one guy whose name on his license is “Gregory Wayne Abbott,” but whose name on the voting rolls is “Greg Abbott.” That bastard’s not gonna get away with voting fraudulently, that’s for damn sure. Exceptin’ there was this Democrat state Senator — name of “Wendy Davis” on the voter rolls, but “Wendy Russell Davis” on her driver’s license, the sneak — and she added this amendment to the law that allows someone to vote even if the ID and the voter rolls don’t match perfectly, as long as the two names are “substantially similar.” They can sign an affidavit stating they’re the right person and their vote will still be counted. Pretty selfish of her, but that little loophole will allow her to vote for herself for governor, as long as she signs that affidavit. Same for Greg Abbott. Wonder if he’s thanked her? Probably not, seeing as how she’s too stupid to be governor. Read more on Texas Governor Candidate Greg Abbott Wanted To Keep Cheats Like ‘Gregory W. Abbott’ From Voting, Even If They’re White…
  news you can't use

Ghost Andrew Breitbart Helped Convince John Boehner That Nobody Was Going To Overthrow Him

As it turns out, the plot to overthrow John Boehner and replace him with someone who didn’t actually know they were up for Speaker of the House was larger than previously thought. The short version is that there were a lot more crazy GOP Representatives plotting to get rid of Boehner than just the ones who picked random names to vote for, but everyone rebuffed them, and they were super secretive about it. Blah blah blah parliamentarian tactics that weren’t going to work but here’s the hilarious part, guys, ok? Notably, the attempt was plotted independently from, and without the knowledge of, a public effort led by a young conservative activist and former GOP Rep. Jeff Landry, which created buzz about Boehner’s possible ouster in conservative media. Landry lost re-election to Boehner ally Rep. Charles Boustany Jr., R-La., in a member-vs.-member contest brought about by redistricting. Breitbart.com covered the Landry effort extensively, and one Republican member who participated in the larger coup attempt said Breitbart’s coverage of the smaller push actually helped keep their effort hidden because it suggested to Boehner and his allies that talk of a coup wasn’t serious. Members of the larger coup plot deliberately excluded top aides from deliberations to enhance secrecy and to protect them from recrimination. Read more on Ghost Andrew Breitbart Helped Convince John Boehner That Nobody Was Going To Overthrow Him…
  coup d'etat coup d'etat!

Scoop! Paul Ryan To Be Next House Speaker, According To Some Secret Random Dude Who Gossiped To Laura Ingraham

We’ve secretly replaced the video of golden succubus Laura Ingraham, passing on some gossip, with the Circle Jerks classic Coup D’Etat. (Don’t worry you are not missing anything. We will tell you what she said.) Read more on Scoop! Paul Ryan To Be Next House Speaker, According To Some Secret Random Dude Who Gossiped To Laura Ingraham…
  the horror

Who Will Be Elected As New House Speaker Once John Boehner Is Torn Apart And Boiled In Oil?

It seems clear that sad sot Speaker of the House John “Whiskeydick” Boehner has not had a firm grip on his “caucus” in the two years since Sarah Palin screeching about death panels sent a pack of wild tarded dogs to Congress. No matter how hard Boehner has tried to tack “crazy,” his barely leashed idiots know that he is congenitally a Wall Street, pro-business Republican who does not actually want to bankrupt the country, because bankrupting the country is bad for his fellows in the boardroom. The fact that John Boehner does not actually want to bankrupt the country, of course, makes him a Communist, because “logic.” Well, your Louie Gohmerts and your Somebody Amashes and whomever are not thrilled, and it is only a matter of time before chunks of bloody John Boehner flesh are piled in a heap at NRA Headquarters. Read more on Who Will Be Elected As New House Speaker Once John Boehner Is Torn Apart And Boiled In Oil?…