Tag: speaker of the house

Paul Ryan Campaigning With Donald Trump, But SHHHHHHHH, It’s Too Embarrassing!

They are going to the county fall fest in Wisconsin! They will eat cotton candy and get stuck on top of the ferris wheel together maybe!
And then he'll grow his beard back

Paul Ryan Doesn’t Need To Be Republican Convention Chair. Doesn’t Need Anything But This Lamp

Paul Ryan just needs this ashtray. And this paddle game. This ashtray and this paddle game.
I *AM SO* PRESIDENTIAL!

Donald Trump Might Have To Shoot Paul Ryan In The Middle Of 5th Avenue

Donald Trump warned on TV Sunday that he hasn't ruled out replacing Paul Ryan as chairman of this summer's Republican National Convention. Now that Trump has ascended to the GOP nomination, he can do what he damned well pleases,...
Sick fuck if true

Denny Hastert Going To Actual-Factual Prison For Covering Up How He Molested All The Boys

Denny Hastert, former speaker of the House and a serial child molester who for eight years was second in line to the presidency after Dick Cheney (who was already president anyway), has been sentenced to 15 months in actual...
Your modern 'ethical standards' frighten and confuse me

Why Might Former Speaker Denny Hastert Have Rubbed Those Five Boys’ Groins? Hmmmm

In a novel strategy, the attorneys for former House Speaker Dennis Hastert attempted to downplay Hastert's alleged sexual abuse of a minor when he was a high school wrestling coach by arguing that maybe there was nothing particularly sexual...
Shed a tear for Denny

Former House Speaker Denny Hastert ‘Sorry’ For Being Sick Bastard, Please Don’t Send Him To Jail

<a href="http://wonkette.com/586945/yep-ex-speaker-denny-hastert-paid-hush-money-to-cover-up-kid-diddling-allegedly"></a>Time for an update on one of the Ew Gross stories that happened in the Year Of Our Lord 2015. Quick recap: Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert was indicted when it was revealed that he had ALLEGEDLY done financial misconduct...
He's thinking of ideas right now.

Here Are Some Awful Presidents Paul Ryan Thinks Were WAY Better Than Obama

Speaker Paul Ryan was recently asked who his least favorite president was, and you'll never guess who he said! (Yes, you will.) It couldn't be Obama, could it? (Of course it could.) Well, boy howdy! Given that Ryan thinks Obama is...
He's thinking of ideas right now.

New House Speaker Paul Ryan Has Some Ideas, You Guys!

Fresh-faced dumb baby House Speaker Paul Ryan woked up all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning! He did his P90X, said his affirmations into the mirror, and then tweeted out an idea he had been having, about how it would be...
Just imagine it's a pith helmet or whatever

Ben Carson Was Going To Be Chief Neurosurgeon Of Congress One Time Too

Another exciting installment in the Choose Your Own Adventure series that is Ben Carson's fascinating whoa-if-true (but probably not true) life story! According to reliable source Ben Carson, in 2014 -- long before Republicans forced Speaker John Boehner to quit his job, leaving...
Oh look, they are kissing. Bet they're about to do some "mission work" to each other's bathing suit areas.

Dumb Duggar Kids Admit Mission Trip Is Basically Sexxxy Beach Vacation For Jesus

YR WONKET CALLED IT, MUST CREDIT WONKET! You people out there in internet-ville think oh, Wonkette is such a gas, the way they make up silly stories about how Jill Duggar and her long lanky sex penis "Derick Dillard"...

Jeb Bush Hiring Big Brother’s Best Friends To Fix It For Him

Oh, is it mock Jeb o'clock already? Yup, sure is. On Monday, we laughed so hard we cried tears, of pity, at Jeb's new and improved plan to surge in the polls -- that is, after "a few weeks" of...

Speaker Paul Ryan Damn Sure He’s The Only American Who Deserves Weekends

In case you were wondering how long it would take newly elected Speaker of the House Paul Ryan to remind everyone he's still a standard-issue Republican dick, the answer is: Haha, dummy, did it break your brain when you fell off...

Congress Gives Paul Ryan Speaker’s Gavel, To Choke On

What a long strange stumble down the stairway to hell for Wisconsin Rep. Paul Ryan. Sorry, Paul "D, as in Dingleberry Double Douche Didn't Want The Job Anyway" Ryan. The boy wonder policy wonk who crafted a "budget" his beloved...
Obviously

The Top 29 Things The ‘D’ In Paul Ryan’s New Fancy Speaker Name Stands For

HEY LADIES, big news! Paul Ryan is officially the Republican Party's nominee for new doomed speaker of the House of Representatives. (The full House will vote for him on Thursday; Democrats are expected to support the GOP's choice, if...

Paul Ryan Grabs His Ankles For GOP Wingnuts, Will Be Speaker Until They Kill Him Too

A super SEXCITING thing happened on Capitol Hill on Thursday. Yes, Hillary Clinton became president during the Benghazi hearing, doy, but we're talking about the other sexciting thing: the end of Rep. Paul Ryan's political future! Ryan had reluctantly agreed to run for speaker of...

House Wingnuts Will Let Paul Ryan Be Speaker, But Only If He Wears ‘Kick Me’ Sign

Previously, on "As The House GOP Burns": Wonky Wisconsin Wunderkind Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Stairway To Heaven) had reluctantly agreed to swoop in and save the damsels in distress. The damsels in distress being, of course, the Republicans who have eated...