Tag Archives: speaker of the house

  The Grownups Are Talking Dear

Louie Gohmert Defeated! Adults In Charge! Eat Your Pets!

We’re Americans, and when life throws us lemons, we make lemonade, so get out the apron and light up the old barbecue, ’cause it’s time for some good old down-home “Moo Goo Dog Pan,” Louie Gohmert style. Sure, it sounds bad at first, but think of it like rape, say with a ten inch plastic vaginal probe, something you just have to lie back, close your eyes and enjoy when it happens to you, and eating your pets is happening to you, ’cause Louie Gohmert isn’t going to be Speaker of the House, and we owe those commie bastards in China money, because Obama. Read more on Louie Gohmert Defeated! Adults In Charge! Eat Your Pets!…
  #ReadyForLouie

New House Speaker Louie Gohmert Will Fix America, Depose Dumb Drunk RINO John Boehner

Image via Daily Show video Texas congressman and casual House-floor snacker Louie Gohmert delivered blessed news to the nation on the first Sunday of the new year: he will finally rise to be the savior America needs by defeating John Boehner to become the new Speaker of the House. Read more on New House Speaker Louie Gohmert Will Fix America, Depose Dumb Drunk RINO John Boehner…
  Ira We Hardly Knew Ye

Ira Hansen, Your New Favorite Nevada Wingnut, Already Calls It Quits

Goodnight Sweet Dunce
Just after we proclaimed him our favorite new wingnut and looked forward to a 2015 full of brilliantly idiotic quotes and policy positions, Nevada state assemblyman Ira Hansen has announced that he will not become Speaker of the Nevada House of Representatives after all. Read more on Ira Hansen, Your New Favorite Nevada Wingnut, Already Calls It Quits…
  The Far Right Stuff

Incoming Nevada Speaker Ira Hansen Is Your New Favorite Wingnut

Listen: Nevada Republicans are not interested in your “bipartisanship” or your “getting along” or your “logic and facts.” As soon as they took over the state House, they chose as their new Speaker one Ira Hansen, a gentleman who, according to the Reno News & Review, “doesn’t like blacks, gays, Israel, many Republicans, and most Nevadans[.]” Mr. Hansen got a brief mention in Yr Wonkette earlier this year when he explained that the reason Republicans don’t do so well with younger voters is that the GOP needs to be more firmly conservative on traditional marriage, to catch the wave of anti-gay sentiment among young folks. Read more on Incoming Nevada Speaker Ira Hansen Is Your New Favorite Wingnut…
  a boehner exploehner

GOP Malcontents’ Doomed, Clumsy Coup Against Boehner Will Totally Work This Time

He's in charge here
How’s John Boehner doing? Looks like pretty good — still breathing, still Speaker of the House, still getting incoherently slammed in public by members of his own caucus. The Hill reports they’re gonna do another coup! There are meetings! Like a dozen different, uncoordinated meetings: Read more on GOP Malcontents’ Doomed, Clumsy Coup Against Boehner Will Totally Work This Time…
  laugh while you can monkeyboy

Now Is The Time We Watch John Boehner’s Monkey. You Will Watch His Monkey! (Video)

He's in charge here
It’s time to retire the Oompa-Loompa pics, kids — the new pictorial stand-in for “John Boehner” will now be the windup monkey from this video. You see, John Boehner has a windup monkey in his office. According to the House Speaker’s website, the little bastard is “the second most photographed subject” in the office, right after the big bastard. We are informed that his staffers bought Boehner the leering windup monstrosity as a “light-hearted token of appreciation” in 2011, after he “joked in an interview that some days he felt like a windup toy because his jam-packed scheduled kept him so busy.” And so like Arthur “Two Sheds” Jackson, John Boehner finds himself fielding lots of questions about the monkey, like “Why do you have that monkey?” and “Can you wind up the monkey again?” and “Does the monkey cry at the drop of a hat too?” and “Is the monkey as single-mindedly devoted to stymying useful action in Congress as you are?” To help prove that we are indeed in the Silly Season, Boehner’s staff produced this informative video about the windup monkey in the speaker’s office, and also about the little toy that his staff gave him: Read more on Now Is The Time We Watch John Boehner’s Monkey. You Will Watch His Monkey! (Video)…
  costello unavailable for comment

Texas Governor Candidate Greg Abbott Wanted To Keep Cheats Like ‘Gregory W. Abbott’ From Voting, Even If They’re White

Texas has one humdinger of a Voter ID law, because they don’t want any more of the voter fraud going on. You know, the kind that doesn’t actually exist, but that everyone knows is rampant. One of the biggest supporters of the law is state Attorney General Greg Abbott, who’s also running for governor. He’s especially proud of the law’s provision that requires the name on people’s photo ID to be exactly the same as the name on the voter rolls, because only a voter-fraudy person would register to vote under a different name than the one on their driver’s license, right? Like for instance this one guy whose name on his license is “Gregory Wayne Abbott,” but whose name on the voting rolls is “Greg Abbott.” That bastard’s not gonna get away with voting fraudulently, that’s for damn sure. Exceptin’ there was this Democrat state Senator — name of “Wendy Davis” on the voter rolls, but “Wendy Russell Davis” on her driver’s license, the sneak — and she added this amendment to the law that allows someone to vote even if the ID and the voter rolls don’t match perfectly, as long as the two names are “substantially similar.” They can sign an affidavit stating they’re the right person and their vote will still be counted. Pretty selfish of her, but that little loophole will allow her to vote for herself for governor, as long as she signs that affidavit. Same for Greg Abbott. Wonder if he’s thanked her? Probably not, seeing as how she’s too stupid to be governor. Read more on Texas Governor Candidate Greg Abbott Wanted To Keep Cheats Like ‘Gregory W. Abbott’ From Voting, Even If They’re White…
  news you can't use

Ghost Andrew Breitbart Helped Convince John Boehner That Nobody Was Going To Overthrow Him

As it turns out, the plot to overthrow John Boehner and replace him with someone who didn’t actually know they were up for Speaker of the House was larger than previously thought. The short version is that there were a lot more crazy GOP Representatives plotting to get rid of Boehner than just the ones who picked random names to vote for, but everyone rebuffed them, and they were super secretive about it. Blah blah blah parliamentarian tactics that weren’t going to work but here’s the hilarious part, guys, ok? Notably, the attempt was plotted independently from, and without the knowledge of, a public effort led by a young conservative activist and former GOP Rep. Jeff Landry, which created buzz about Boehner’s possible ouster in conservative media. Landry lost re-election to Boehner ally Rep. Charles Boustany Jr., R-La., in a member-vs.-member contest brought about by redistricting. Breitbart.com covered the Landry effort extensively, and one Republican member who participated in the larger coup attempt said Breitbart’s coverage of the smaller push actually helped keep their effort hidden because it suggested to Boehner and his allies that talk of a coup wasn’t serious. Members of the larger coup plot deliberately excluded top aides from deliberations to enhance secrecy and to protect them from recrimination. Read more on Ghost Andrew Breitbart Helped Convince John Boehner That Nobody Was Going To Overthrow Him…
  coup d'etat coup d'etat!

Scoop! Paul Ryan To Be Next House Speaker, According To Some Secret Random Dude Who Gossiped To Laura Ingraham

We’ve secretly replaced the video of golden succubus Laura Ingraham, passing on some gossip, with the Circle Jerks classic Coup D’Etat. (Don’t worry you are not missing anything. We will tell you what she said.) Read more on Scoop! Paul Ryan To Be Next House Speaker, According To Some Secret Random Dude Who Gossiped To Laura Ingraham…
  the horror

Who Will Be Elected As New House Speaker Once John Boehner Is Torn Apart And Boiled In Oil?

It seems clear that sad sot Speaker of the House John “Whiskeydick” Boehner has not had a firm grip on his “caucus” in the two years since Sarah Palin screeching about death panels sent a pack of wild tarded dogs to Congress. No matter how hard Boehner has tried to tack “crazy,” his barely leashed idiots know that he is congenitally a Wall Street, pro-business Republican who does not actually want to bankrupt the country, because bankrupting the country is bad for his fellows in the boardroom. The fact that John Boehner does not actually want to bankrupt the country, of course, makes him a Communist, because “logic.” Well, your Louie Gohmerts and your Somebody Amashes and whomever are not thrilled, and it is only a matter of time before chunks of bloody John Boehner flesh are piled in a heap at NRA Headquarters. Read more on Who Will Be Elected As New House Speaker Once John Boehner Is Torn Apart And Boiled In Oil?…
  will rogers quote here

Wingnuts Have Super Great Idea For House Speakership: Why Not Try Anarchy?

Some stupid bunch of idiots has a super smart and great idea. See, they are mad at John Boehner because he kicked a few of their idiot poobahs off a bunch of important committees, mostly because they kept answering roll call votes with “Hey John Boehner, I fucked your mom last night.” But the wingnuts think it is because those members are conservative, so communist Chinee John Boehner purged them like some orange-Starburst-flavored Mao. Now? John Boehner is Louis XVI, and they are The Terror. Read more on Wingnuts Have Super Great Idea For House Speakership: Why Not Try Anarchy?…
  enormous gossip scoops

Obama Refuses To Be John Boehner’s Boyfriend, And Vice Versa

Barack Obama and John Boehner can’t seem to make their relationship “work,” physically or otherwise, probably because John Boehner is a Sagittarius and Barack Obama is a Communist — two zodiac signs that are just not compatible, according to “the Politico,” a publishing house for mediation-related guidebooks such as Loving Others, Loving Yourself and You Win, I Win, We Win. To make matters even more troubling and newsworthy, Politico has read the teabagger leaves and predicts John Boehner will be Speaker of the House, which means Barack Obama and John Boehner might actually have to interact with each other occasionally! Will Obama and Boehner get their act together, or are they just gonna sit back and let Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham be prom king and queen for the 100th year in a row? This is some serious fucking drama. Read more on Obama Refuses To Be John Boehner’s Boyfriend, And Vice Versa…
  the fancy life

Nancy Pelosi’s New San Francisco Office-Castle Costs $18,736 Per Month!

Woman politician “Madam Speaker” Nancy Pelosi is doing woman things again! Like, spending too much money, dagnabbit. She’s spending $18,736 per month on a fancy suite of offices in San Francisco — liberal San Francisco, of all places — and that’s (according to Roll Call) nearly twice as much as the next-most-expensive district office rent, in Manhattan. Rents are high in these gay-filled Big Cities, it’s true. But are they too high? Can something be done to stop Nancy Pelosi? Read more on Nancy Pelosi’s New San Francisco Office-Castle Costs $18,736 Per Month!…
  bay area politics

Cindy Sheehan Will Crush Nancy Pelosi

It’s official: Nancy Pelosi has not one but TWO opponents in a “hotly” contested race for her Congressional district. In addition to Dana Walsh, the last specimen of a doomed and rare species called the “Bay Area Republican” which is hunted for sport on the banks of San Francisco’s mandatory nude heroin-needle beaches, this woman named Cindy Sheehan is also running to make a Point. Cindy Sheehan is the woman who everyone felt bad for because her son was killed in Iraq, until she became the most tiresome Californian this side of Medea Benjamin. Read more on Cindy Sheehan Will Crush Nancy Pelosi…
  rules of succession

Electoral Apocalypse Doomsday Scenario: Obama And McCain Tie, World Explodes, Nancy Pelosi Is President

Remember how much fun the primaries were, with the math and numbers and the whole “If Hillary gets enough superdelegates then two plus two will equal five, within the confines of Michigan and Florida before May 31 divided by two”? Dust off your abacus because now your favorite News Analysts will be giving themselves mental hernias as they strain to figure out in which way our electoral college and its nutty rules could again leave infuriated Americans ready to hop on the first spaceship to France. Read more on Electoral Apocalypse Doomsday Scenario: Obama And McCain Tie, World Explodes, Nancy Pelosi Is President…
 

The Secret Life of Dennis

Here’s definitive proof that the GOP is in serious trouble: House Speaker Dennis Hastert has launched his own blog. It’s called “Speaker’s Journal,” and we’re reluctant to forward the URL on to you, for the simple reason that your mind will be so thoroughly blown as to never again return. Why, just check out the title of the first entry: “Welcome to my blog.” The Speaker proceeds to describe his maiden foray into yon blogosphere in the same dutiful cadence that 7th graders reserve for their book reports: Read more on The Secret Life of Dennis…