Wonkette

NASA, which means FAIL in the Moon Man language, has announced the doomed zillion-dollar replacement for the rust-bucket death-trap space shuttles that haven’t yet blown up won’t be ready until at least September of 2014, which means “never” in the Moon Man language. MORE »

America is back! Our astronauts floating in that useless goddamned tin can that uselessly orbits around the Earth forever can finally take off their shitty diapers and use a toilet again. This is because Our Government sent one of its three unexploded space shuttles up to low-earth orbit, at a cost of Many Billions of Dollars, to deliver a new toilet from Home Depot. That’s one small shit for man, and one giant shit for mankind. [AP/Google]

NASA is rushing the Space Shuttle Atlantis back to Earth on Wednesday so the mad scientists at the Pentagon can try to shoot a monstrous poisonous spy satellite out of the sky before it crashes back to America and kills us all. The broken 5,000-lb. space robot is completely out of control and is spinning back to its planetary home far faster than originally guessed, which is why the Defense Department needs to shoot a war missile into space this Thursday to blow up the thing and scare the bejesus out of all the other nations of Earth.

The situation is so grim that the already dangerous space shuttle needs to get out of orbit and land before this doomed Star Wars exercise that will probably fill low-Earth orbit with tons of deadly space junk that will make it impossible for Earthlings to ever escape this imperiled planet. That’s why NASA is preparing for landings at either Kennedy Space Center in Florida or Edwards AFB in California’s Mojave Desert. The shuttle has three landing windows before the Pentagon begins its Space Assault.

Also, Wednesday night will feature an ominous Full Moon Lunar Eclipse, so the Moon will turn blood red at 10 p.m. Eastern (7 p.m. Pacific Time) and remind us all of our fate, which is too terrible to mention.

Satellite Shooting Is Next As Shuttle Heads Home [NY Times]

MORE »

The space agency best known for crazy diaper-wearing vengeance-killing astronauts, crazy drunken astronauts and a fleet of crippled old space vehicles likely to explode upon takeoff or landing has beaten the odds today and actually brought a broken space shuttle home without being destroyed in the process. MORE »