WHICH RICH ELITIST WILL BEST FIGHT THE UFOS? The space monsters will kill us all, but which candidate will make us feel better about it? [Political Machine]

SPACE DEMONS WILL KILL US ALL: The GAO issues a “scathing report” about the lack of a plan to fight the Moon Monsters. “DOD and the intelligence community have not developed, agreed upon, or issued a National Security Space Strategy.” [Network World]

Many readers have sent in this very disturbing New York Times photograph of Our Barack Obama surrounded by reporters, plus a creepy lady over there on the right with a bunch of suspicious TV remotes or whatever in her hands. One website suggested she was holding a half-dozen of those little digital voice recorders that the media reporters use these days because they don’t know how to take notes. But that seems a little absurd, don’t you think? She is clearly a time-traveling space alien lady in “human” disguise about to blast our new president with Rays of Anti-Hope! MORE »

Every 10 years or so, there’s a “UFO flap” — special nerd code for “people everywhere think they’re seeing Alien Spaceships.” And guess what? We’re having one right now! From San Diego to, uh, some little town in Texas somewhere, Americans can hardly look up in the sky without seeing monstrous craft from beyond our world. But it’s not a real UFO Scare until the U.S. Federal Government Military cranks out an impossibly lame excuse for a mass sighting, two weeks later. MORE »

Dennis Kucinich was this close to winning both the nomination and the presidency when Rupert Murdoch’s evil new Wall Street Journal brazenly brought up that whole UFO incident, which everybody had completely forgotten because it was only a widely reported and heavily mocked part of a nationally televised Democrat debate a few months ago. MORE »

Look what you’re missing on the Tucker Carlson Show! Not much, to be sure, but we need to keep up with the Conservative Media Personalities to see what they know about Cheney’s new “moon base” which is being installed by Halliburton to goad the Space Monsters into a war so we can take all the natural resources from the gas giant Bespin. The ex-Canadian assistant space police guy under Pierre Trudeau is saying this, so it’s probably pretty much true. Also, Tucker supports bombing innocent E.T. babies with depleted plutonium, and he has patriotically assaulted many older gay aliens in the Mos Eisley cantina.

Bush Plans Defence Stance Against Aliens [YouTube]

Washington is buzzing with another kind of immigration nut as hundreds of UFO nerds congregate at the National Press Club to demand, uselessly, that the Government ‘fess up about the space monsters, while more than 70 actual astronomers gathered here to support the Arecibo Radio Telescope Observatory in Puerto Rico, which sent the Nixon-era message to the Extraterrestrials inviting them to invade our world and steal all the oil. Unless Congress keeps up funding for Arecibo, rogue FBI agents and space aliens could easily penetrate its defenses. Oh, and also, something from Outer Space just crashed in Peru and left a gaping hole in the ground and all the people are sick and vomiting from the Death Rays. MORE »

We’ve received startling NEW INFORMATIONS regarding some of the problems. Are you brave enough to learn The Truth? Here’s just a small taste of the Revelations To Come:

THE DEVICE TELLING THE THOUGHTS; EXTRATERRESTRIALS,
SPACE, EARTH AND MYSTERIES ;
The world is governed by the extraterrestrials ; in which way? By means of devices telling the thoughts ;

Read more of Mitt Romney’s compelling ideas about France and Marriage, after the jump.

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Guess what, everybody? Arizona Governor Fife Symington actually saw the gargantuan mystery aircraft that literally filled the skies over Phoenix a decade ago — but instead of admitting this at the time, he held a comedy press conference where one of his aides dressed as a space monster and was hauled off by the police. Symington says he lied to keep people from panicking. Hooray for protecting our innocence or whatever! MORE »