Wonkette

John McCain’s web site features a challenging video game called “Pork Invaders,” which is designed to illustrate how he will balance the $900 trillion budget deficit by cutting hundreds of millions of dollars in earmarks and “waste.” And because he is John McCain, he will use War to veto these earmarks. See for yourself in the game — you, President McCain, “fire a veto” with the spacebar at little piggie space monsters to prevent them from shitting firecrackers on your subprime mud huts. [John McCain]

John McCain spoke to his Confederate friends at the N.R.A. convention last week, shortly after Mike Huckabee made a joke about killing Barry Obama. McCain uttered such horrible sentences as this: “Someone should tell Senator Obama that ducks are usually hunted with shotguns.” Ha ha, what was he even talking about? DUCKS? MORE »

Our last, best hope for Washington — that it would be destroyed by the horrible emergence of subterranean monstrosities — came tantalizingly close to reality on Tuesday, when a magnitude 2.0 earthquake shook the D.C. area. What was it, and why is the government claiming and then denying responsibility for the loud booms from Beneath the Earth? MORE »

WHICH RICH ELITIST WILL BEST FIGHT THE UFOS? The space monsters will kill us all, but which candidate will make us feel better about it? [Political Machine]

SPACE DEMONS WILL KILL US ALL: The GAO issues a “scathing report” about the lack of a plan to fight the Moon Monsters. “DOD and the intelligence community have not developed, agreed upon, or issued a National Security Space Strategy.” [Network World]

Many readers have sent in this very disturbing New York Times photograph of Our Barack Obama surrounded by reporters, plus a creepy lady over there on the right with a bunch of suspicious TV remotes or whatever in her hands. One website suggested she was holding a half-dozen of those little digital voice recorders that the media reporters use these days because they don’t know how to take notes. But that seems a little absurd, don’t you think? She is clearly a time-traveling space alien lady in “human” disguise about to blast our new president with Rays of Anti-Hope! MORE »

Every 10 years or so, there’s a “UFO flap” — special nerd code for “people everywhere think they’re seeing Alien Spaceships.” And guess what? We’re having one right now! From San Diego to, uh, some little town in Texas somewhere, Americans can hardly look up in the sky without seeing monstrous craft from beyond our world. But it’s not a real UFO Scare until the U.S. Federal Government Military cranks out an impossibly lame excuse for a mass sighting, two weeks later. MORE »

Dennis Kucinich was this close to winning both the nomination and the presidency when Rupert Murdoch’s evil new Wall Street Journal brazenly brought up that whole UFO incident, which everybody had completely forgotten because it was only a widely reported and heavily mocked part of a nationally televised Democrat debate a few months ago. MORE »

Look what you’re missing on the Tucker Carlson Show! Not much, to be sure, but we need to keep up with the Conservative Media Personalities to see what they know about Cheney’s new “moon base” which is being installed by Halliburton to goad the Space Monsters into a war so we can take all the natural resources from the gas giant Bespin. The ex-Canadian assistant space police guy under Pierre Trudeau is saying this, so it’s probably pretty much true. Also, Tucker supports bombing innocent E.T. babies with depleted plutonium, and he has patriotically assaulted many older gay aliens in the Mos Eisley cantina.

Bush Plans Defence Stance Against Aliens [YouTube]

Washington is buzzing with another kind of immigration nut as hundreds of UFO nerds congregate at the National Press Club to demand, uselessly, that the Government ‘fess up about the space monsters, while more than 70 actual astronomers gathered here to support the Arecibo Radio Telescope Observatory in Puerto Rico, which sent the Nixon-era message to the Extraterrestrials inviting them to invade our world and steal all the oil. Unless Congress keeps up funding for Arecibo, rogue FBI agents and space aliens could easily penetrate its defenses. Oh, and also, something from Outer Space just crashed in Peru and left a gaping hole in the ground and all the people are sick and vomiting from the Death Rays. MORE »