Tag Archives: space monsters

  snowbilly apostle news

Palin Cult Followers Wander Iowa Awaiting Signs From Mama Grizzly

In the absence of Sarah Palin saying anything about whether she will run for president, her followers are walking around the Iowa cornfields as un-anointed apostles canvasing for their mysteriously quiet snowbilly messiah and waiting for her sign. What else has anyone even got to do these days, except wait for signals from space monsters? Nothing, except quit life to go shake hands with every person in Iowa to tell them all about the celestial love of Sarah Palin. It’s a hard job — they do not even have bicycles, like those Mormons — but someone must toil and spend money to lay Iowa groundwork for Sarah Palin if she refuses to do it herself. Read more on Palin Cult Followers Wander Iowa Awaiting Signs From Mama Grizzly…
  my name is laika

Obama Wants To Send Stray Dogs Into Space, To Die

About two-hundred years ago, our enemies The Rooskies put an alive dog in a space capsule and shot it into orbit, for laughs. Russians have a very dark sense of humor. But Americans — especially the kind of Americans who run things, in Washington — do not have any sense of humor at all. Instead of coming up with something even more ridiculous, like putting a cat in a submarine or setting Elvis Presley on fire, the Americans freaked out and said “Good Gravy we have got to also send some unwanted little creatures into space,” so they captured John Glenn and next thing you know Tom Wolfe was selling the movie rights to The Right Stuff and half a century later it’s almost impossible to remember that by the 21st Century we would most definitely have human space colonies all over the Solar System and mod orbital sex resorts. Anyway, Obama says today is our “Sputnik Moment,” even though that was pretty clearly 53 years ago. It’s like Obama doesn’t even know how to use Wikipedia, probably because he’s afraid it will leak all over the place. Read more on Obama Wants To Send Stray Dogs Into Space, To Die…
  journamalism

NASA Press Release About Space Monsters Led Reckless Bloggers To Mention Space Monsters

Thank the Neutered Dwarf-Gods of Journalism for the Columbia Journalism Review, which has bravely come to the defense of “responsible science reporters,” who have all become scientifically butthurt because NASA put out another bullshit press release promising “an astrobiology finding that will impact the search for evidence of extraterrestrial life.” But what if the NASA announcement isn’t really about an impending invasion of Horrific Galactic Hell-Beasts who will destroy our world after slowly eating/digesting its 6+ billion miserable human occupants? What if a blog was irresponsible about this? Read more on NASA Press Release About Space Monsters Led Reckless Bloggers To Mention Space Monsters…
  that ain't santa

U.S. Government Will Announce Space Monster Invasion Tomorrow

What did NASA send your Wonkette for some reason? Secret plans for the new Chevrolet space shuttle? A wacky “mash up” video of NASA accidents? No! It’s even better/worse than all that: “NASA will hold a news conference at 2 p.m. EST on Thursday, Dec. 2, to discuss an astrobiology finding that will impact the search for evidence of extraterrestrial life.” So it’s going to be a very merry xmas after all, because the Space Monsters are here, and we will all come together as a single human community to decide who gets fed to the Space Monsters first. Read more on U.S. Government Will Announce Space Monster Invasion Tomorrow…
  or did it?

Mysterious (Lizard People) Missile Nearly Blows Up Los Angeles

What was this missile that lit up the sky over Los Angeles last night? Obviously, most smart people immediately thought this was the work of either the Pleiadians or the Reptilians, as Colleen Thomas warned us about yesterday. Yet, why didn’t it feel like we all exploded and died yesterday? And could it really be that the effete Hollywood liberal Lizard People were the only ones brave enough to do this? Read more on Mysterious (Lizard People) Missile Nearly Blows Up Los Angeles…
  fortress of solitude

Area 51 ‘Mosque’ Design Is Frank Gehry By Way of Ayatollah & Superman

If you are anything like most of the world’s Muslims, you spend your days leafing through Dwell and Architectural Digest, wondering just how you will achieve the correct interplay of light and shadow in your third second home in the Berkshires. Thus, you and your Mohammedan friends will surely be thrilled to learn of the fabulous design plans for the infamous “Nieuwe Amsterdaam Mosque,” which some Real Americans argue is located uncomfortably close to Anthony Bourdain’s Les Halles Downtown. Also, it is Superman’s ice-diamond house owned by Marlon Brando? Read more on Area 51 ‘Mosque’ Design Is Frank Gehry By Way of Ayatollah & Superman…
  oh great get the UN involved

UN Appoints Minor Bureaucrat To Deal With Space Alien Invasion

Have you heard about the impending invasion of the Space Devils? Whether it’s another discovery of a new “earthlike” planet filled with thousand-foot-tall rape monsters or the latest MSNBC documentary about the night demons who arrive all the time in UFOs as foretold in the Bible, it seems we just can’t escape the fact that very soon now, the sky will be filled with gigantic “processing ships” where we’ll all be assaulted (sexually) around the clock for a hundred years (thanks to the aliens’ sophisticated Obamacare) and the beast-lords will stomp the Earth and chew the heads of our beloved children the way we eat entire CostCo crates of corn-syrup puffs each night when we settle down in front of the flat-screen. Anyway, the United Nations has decided this is just the kind of impossible, intractable problem that requires a special UN envoy. Read more on UN Appoints Minor Bureaucrat To Deal With Space Alien Invasion…
  cartoon violence

The Devil Is In the Cartoon Details

By the Comics CurmudgeonYour cartoon correspondent has been looking at cartoons for Wonkette since roughly the Revolutionary War, during which time political cartoons haven’t changed much. You’d think that a man would burn out seeing endless weeping Statues of Liberty and fat generic Congressmen and “funny” Bush/Obama drawings with big ears. And you’d be right! But every once in a while there is a little grace note in a cartoon that needs to be shared with the world, and that serves as a reminder of the rewards of this comics-mocking gig (other than the chicks, and the money, and the political influence). Read more on The Devil Is In the Cartoon Details…
  it's morning in america

Did the Media Fail Helen Thomas By Letting Her Be In the Media?

Legendary White House Crone Helen Thomas got herself pushed into retirement finally, at age 89, over a bizarre outburst into a rabbi’s video camera about how the Israeli Jews need to go “back [to] Poland, Germany,” etc. Was it the White House press corps’ fault for letting the increasingly shrill lady keep yelling her Democratic Underground sermons at whatever WH spokesperson? Maybe! Read more on Did the Media Fail Helen Thomas By Letting Her Be In the Media?… Read more on Did the Media Fail Helen Thomas By Letting Her Be In the Media?…
  riddles 'n enigmas

Mysterious Bilderberg Group Meets In Spain, Sells Humanity To Space Monsters

Here is a fun thing about old-school Conspiracy Theories: They were often true. The Bilderberg Group was, until just a couple of years ago, dismissed by the Lame Stream Media as some kind of crazy fiction — but the terrifying reality was that the news companies were all in on it, for decades, so the broadcasts and newspapers never mentioned this actual annual meeting of world government, finance and industrial leaders because the heads of the media corporations were there, at the secret meetings, PLOTTING AGAINST EARTH (or reaching consensus on Cold War policy, same thing!). Anyway, thanks to the Internet and Alex Jones and whatever, now everybody knows the Bilderberg Group is a real thing — a real working group of world leaders, meeting privately and annually since 1954 — and everybody completely ignores it because come on, don’t be paranoid. Read more on Mysterious Bilderberg Group Meets In Spain, Sells Humanity To Space Monsters…
  federal space news

NASA Voyager Space Probe Captured By Aliens?

Just as Stephen Hawking’s dire warning about the Space Aliens made the news three weeks ago, engineers at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory discovered a puzzling development in the datastream sent by Voyager 2, the space probe launched in 1977 that is currently 8.5 billion miles from Earth and 5 billion miles beyond the orbit of Pluto, our most distant (former) planet. On April 22, the radio signal from V2 went haywire. It no longer makes any sense at all, following 33 straight years of good data. One “German academic” says this is because Space Monsters have hijacked the probe, decoded the Earth Greetings contained upon the “Golden Record” attached to the Voyager probes, and are now trying to answer us. Didn’t Stephen Hawking warn us about exactly this situation? Read more on NASA Voyager Space Probe Captured By Aliens?…
  uss tardis

Hillary Clinton Is President of Outer Space

Did you hear old what’s-his-name, “Current Bogeyman,” just rappin’ about Chomsky at the United Nations today? He must’ve run really fast from that Pathfinder he left in Times Square, AMIRITE?? Read more on Hillary Clinton Is President of Outer Space…
  great big depression

Oh Look, the White House Got a YouTube Channel

Just another narcissist video-blogging from his home office, blah blah, job creation, energies, 3 million jobs, financial disaster. Only kidding, Barack! Don’t have us disappeared! If half of this stuff makes it to the Economic Heroics Legislation, which Obama says will be LAW within a month, this is going to be nuts. Let’s watch some video previews of what America can expect …. Read more on Oh Look, the White House Got a YouTube Channel…
  our flourishing space program

NASA Head Trying To Keep Outer Space Secrets From Obama Transition Team

Like grimy Chicago leeches, the Obama “transition team” (AS IF) has sent review panels to every federal agency to decide which budget items need to be cut, forever, to finance the next $100 billion wave of AIG bailouts. Agencies like FEMA probably abandoned their entire offices before their transition team appointments, just to avoid the embarrassment, whereas places like NASA — which holds valuable information about quasars, space monsters, and the planets Mars and Neptune — are simply telling the transition team “YOU WOULDN’T GET IT YOU STUPIDS — PHYSICS.” Space nerds. Read more on NASA Head Trying To Keep Outer Space Secrets From Obama Transition Team…
  our alien overlords

McCain-Palin Actually Robot-Hating Space Monsters?

Something sort of familiar about scary old McCain and shrill Mrs. President Palin? Yes, they are the space monsters from teevee’s Battlestar Galactica — the doomed leaders of a spaceship filled with frantic losers running for their lives from the PLANET THEY DESTROYED … we think. We have not actually watched this show, but we vaguely recall the terrible original version from 1942. You people, in the comments, will very quickly display an encyclopedic knowledge of the show, and how it proves McCain-Palin will destroy our planet, too. [Tigh-Roslin 2008 via Cryptogon] Read more on McCain-Palin Actually Robot-Hating Space Monsters?…