Wonkette

A source close to the Johnson family told us this little tale last night. MORE »

Senator Tim Johnson remains at George Washington University Hospital, recovering from a brain hemorrhage. His condition is more or less unchanged. But the GWU hospital is one of the top in the country at… well, brain stuff. Maybe. We just kinda made that up. But Dick Cheney goes there, and he’s only nearly died a couple dozen times! MORE »

Bad news, single men of Washington — Stephanie Herseth (D-SD), the only cute and normal member of congress, is engaged. For real, this time. And not to some Wikipedia-vandalizing nerd she doesn’t know. MORE »

In the Department of Stuff That Might Be True, we go to Wayne Madsen and his occasionally semi-accurate unsourced website. Madsen says the new Senate Majority Leadership will try to convert moderate Republican Susan Collins and Oregon rebel GOP’er Gordon Smith should Tim Johnson be unable to continue as senator. MORE »

* Senator Tim Johnson apparently suffered a “brain hemorrhage,” or “an intracerebral bleed caused by a congenital arteriovenous malformation,” which you might remember as the thing that happened to Nate on Six Feet Under.
* Even if Johnson resigns, the January 4 “organizing resolution” could — could — keep the Senate in Democratic control. We didn’t pay attention all that closely to how (this ain’t Hotline, fer chrissakes), but Time attempts to explain here.
* South Dakota’s Secretary of State has a totally kickass website, mustache. Also, people are paying attention to him for the first and last time in history. He was also Kip in Napolean Dynomite. A journalist tells us that he ends calls with “Mmmmmkay bye.”

If South Dakota Senator Tim Johnson dies (”critical condition” still), the guy who’d most likely have opposed him for reelection, SD Gov Mike Rounds, will appoint his replacement. Unfortunately, it is still not known at this time whether Governor Mike Grounds is or isn’t a dick.

But while the “movement” to convince a Republican Governor to appoint a Democratic Senator just ’cause will probably turn out like most blog-based campaigns, there is still hope for the Democrats: It’s really hard to get someone to leave the Senate.

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Sen. Tim Johnson (D-SD) had a stroke today (we think? Everyone thinks? This is what the tee vee has told us.). We have no idea how he’s doing now, but if he retires/dies, his replacement will be appointed by South Dakota’s legislature or governor, all Republican. So, hey, wouldn’t that be nutty? Maybe they could appoint Conrad Burns, that would really be the only silver lining in this mess. MORE »

For the first time since he was caught “human hunting” in February, Dick Cheney is taking a hunting trip. MORE »

Look, we just can’t do a whole post on every little scandal. We need to focus on the important scandals, such as strangling mistresses and threatening to rape and murder drunk gals in Las Vegas. MORE »

• Bush still kicking himself for not standing in the Katrina rubble with a bullhorn. [NYT]

• On anniversary of Katrina, Gulf Coast to receive massive influx of administration officials touting successful reconstruction efforts, “despite visual evidence suggesting otherwise.” [NYT]
• Plane crash in Kentucky is first domestic jet accident since November 2001, kills 49. [NYT, USAT]
• Abortion ban showdown comes to South Dakota, November vote could institute strictest laws in country. [WP]
• Osama bin Laden never actually charged with 9/11 crimes because of, “the need to be fair to any defendant.” [WP]
• Baghdad morgue only received 450 bodies this month, down from 1800 last month, Iraqi Prime Minister: ” What you see is an atmosphere of reconciliation.” [LAT]
• Spending on campaign ads up 45% from 2004 level as candidates and consultants discover cable TV. [W$J]
• “Ernesto” is first hurricane of the season, batters impoverished Caribbean nations on way to Florida. [USAT]
• Sad schism between real and fantasy worlds highlighted as “24″ and “The Office” take top Emmy awards. [LAT]

Hello everybody. This is your guest-blogger here. It’s a well-known fact that the Wonkette regulars have a sick, twistedly sexual, and frankly sad obsession with Katherine Harris. Thus, I thought I’d use this platform to reveal my own secret and much healthier Capitol Hill crush, South Dakota’s at-large Congressperson Stephanie Herseth. That’s her over the right. Isn’t she adorable?

Anyway, usually she keeps a fairly low profile and thus manages to stay off this site’s lecherous radar, but in the last week or so she’s found herself entangled in an imbroglio that involves fake fiances, fake fetuses, and a vandalized Wikipedia article. More on the madness after the jump.

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* Have you heard about Microsoft’s new strategy? “Microsoft Corp. has a strategy to win over a whole new generation of consumers and his name is Fergie Fudgehog.” The flaw in this strategy is sort of hard to divine, unless you…say, READ THAT SENTENCE OUT LOUD. [Washington Post]
* Will the South Dakota abortion ban exempt women impregnated by aliens? Nobody knows, but the prospect allows for some awesome sci-fi synergy for Bill Napoli’s sociopathic rape fantasies. And that’s your official Wonkette “Bill Napoli is one sick fuck” Reminder for Wednesday, March 15! [The Bad Reporter@SFGate]
* Condoleezza Rice gets in some practice reps. [Perez Hilton]
* Even Chris Matthews’ conflicts-of-interests are lame. [Attytood]
* Jeez. Everyone over in the Brokeback Mountain camp needs to calm down. They give out awards to stuff far junkier and shaft films that are much better. Forest Gump? Marisa Tomei? Besides, everyone KNOWS that the real Best Picture wins Best Screenplay. [The Greensborian]

Below, a small sampling of our favorite comments left this week. Well, maybe not our favorites, but they seemed like most of the words were spelled correctly and we just need to get out of the apartment while it’s still fucking nice outside. Want to join the party? Find out how here. MORE »

* House Appropriations Committee votes overwhelmingly to block Dubai ports deal; measure was attached to war spending bill. [WP]
* For Republican lawmakers, “political considerations” trump loyalty to Bush over port deal and, to a lesser extent, eavesdropping. Rep. Roy Blunt (R-MO): “If there was ever a good time for Congress to figure out oversight, it would be in the sixth year of a presidency.” [NYT]
* Senate compromise would permit eavesdropping on Americans without court warrant; administration would have 45 days to prove individual cases. [NYT]
* Bush accuses Congress of underfunding Gulf Coast reconstruction: “Congress heard our message about improving the levees, but they shortchanged the process by about $1.5 billion.” [WP, NYT]
* Senators agree to reject meals and gifts from lobbyists. [WP, NYT]
* Jack Abramoff to Vanity Fair: “Any important Republican who comes out and says they didn’t know me is almost certainly lying.” [NYT]
* Senate Republicans try to trim Bush’s spending requests for defense and foreign aid. [W$J]
* South Dakota expected to start trend of states rethinking abortion rights; nine others are moving to limit the procedure. [W$J]
* Michael Chertoff looks for the high road as others point fingers of blame — and some directly at him. [NYT]