Famous harried slave and recipient of comical e-mails Joel Sawyer has regrettably tendered his resignation as Mark Sanford’s spokesman, although it is unclear as to why. Perhaps the Washington Post’s Chris Cillizza should resend this e-mail to procure his latest Fix! [AP]

For several days in late June, Mark Sanford spokesman Joel Sawyer had just about the worst job ever, having to deal with every national reporter and local legislator asking about Sanford’s whereabouts — which he did not know and could not find out, because Mark Sanford makes sure to turn off his cellphone when he’s sexing Argentine Firecrackers, which is always. What hilarious e-mails did Sawyer receive during these mysterious times, from the terrible media, and Stephen Colbert? Thanks to a successful open records request from South Carolina’s The State newspaper, we now present a Children’s Treasury of several! MORE »

The Washington Post has comical new details about the infamous, state-funded June, 2008 meetings South Carolina Sex Governor Mark Sanford set up in South America, to discuss TRADE, with potential “trading partners,” for whatever it is South Carolina produces. (Indigo.) Apparently his trip planners gave word to South American officials that maybe they didn’t really need to meet after all, when he gets down there, and sorry, he cannot go kill doves in the forest for several days, so so sorry, he just has to “make some calls” in Buenos Aires. MORE »

• JIM DEMINT IS THE REAL MISS SOUTH CAROLINA: South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint has written a new book about Hitler/Obama and the Iran and, uh, the South American countries and like such as: “Part of what we’re trying to do in ‘Saving Freedom’ is just show that where we are, we’re about where Germany was before World War II where they became a social democracy. You still had votes but the votes were just power grabs like you see in Iran, and other places in South America, like Chavez is running down in Venezuela.” Hmm, we’ll wait for this one to come out on DVD. [Washington Independent via Washington Monthly]

Well, that is a very alliterative and twee headline, isn’t it? Mark Sanford probably wrote this on a Twitter to Argentina, while hiking naked on the Appalachian Trail of his Soul (Mate). But, bad news for the terrible husband and father and lousy governor who will not resign, like a man, because he’s really just some weird emo teen-ager locked in the body of a washed-up S.C. politician: The South Carolina GOP Knights of the Round Table just decided to CENSURE this sleazy character with his multiple passport stamps and many poetically erotic nights with his Argentine Firecracker. MORE »

Once upon a time, this nobody governor in, uhh, one of the southern states, but not a famous one like Florida, got a book deal. He was supposed to write about how to be conservative or something, A Southern Gentleman’s Guide To Being Conservative, but then this nobody governor turned into Mark Sanford, the Sparkin’ Thing, with his soulmate The Argentine Firecracker, and his nice wife The Kindly Wife Who Kept It Together, and basically we were in teevee miniseries territory, so of course Sanford’s publisher has killed his book. What? MORE »

• ARREST MARK SANFORD FOR WAR TREASON! Now that Mark Sanford has arbitrarily admitted that he saw Ms. Lady from Argentina seven times instead of three in the past year, and that he fingered millions of other ladies, he will finally be rendered to Azkaban for war crimes: “COLUMBIA, South Carolina (CNN) — The attorney general of South Carolina on Tuesday asked the state law enforcement division to review Gov. Mark Sanford’s travel records after the governor admitted to more visits with his mistress than previously disclosed.” [CNN]

Like most people, South Carolina Lieutenant Governor André Bauer is potentially gay. The evidence is overwhelming, about him being gay. Most obviously, nice accent aigu there, gay guy! And he’s not even married. He’s so hot and powerful and yet not married to a woman! What is up with that. So when Mark Sanford resigns for having sex with a lady, will South Carolina have its first gay governor, André? No, according to the Frenchman himself. None of this. MORE »

Ever gotten one of those wacky “trivia for reading on the toilet” sorts of books for your birthday, the kind that says, “an antiquated law in Missouri dictates that anyone who puts a mule in a bathtub must be publicly flogged”? Here is another bit of trivia you might find in such a book: apparently South Carolina decreed in 1880 or so that adulterers must pay up to $500 in fines and serve a year in jail. MORE »

On Friday night the New York Times, a well-known snarky DC gossip blog, suggested that a guy who briefly dated Mark Sanford’s ladyfriend may have leaked a bunch of emails to Sanford’s hometown newspaper. But now Sanford’s ladyfriend is denying it, saying that the accused leaker in question “is an excellent, respectable and honorable man incapable of making anything similar to that.” So who is responsible for sharing these embarrassing emails with the world? MORE »

We don’t know what this “emo” stuff is really about, either — it’s just boys who dress like The Strokes and wear Robert Smith eyeliner and whine-yell a bunch of misogynistic nonsense about their hurt feelings, right? How the hell this goes back to Ian MacKaye, we cannot even pretend to understand. And being a slave to your banal Emotions is about as far from the Path as you can get, but whatever, this is America. And, according to cultural anthropologist David Rees, disgraced blabbermouth Mark Sanford is an emo kid! Look for his new album on MySpace next week, Tears of Argentina (Maria), by his vanity project “the sparkin’ thing.” BREAKING UPDATE: Or is Mark Sanford actually Jude Law from a Kate Winslet movie we never saw? David Denby sure has a comment, about this comparison! [David Rees]