Tag: south carolina

Answers is tough and is not my favorite.

Marco Rubio Pulls Out Stunning Second Place Win In Florida, Quits GOP Race Like Loser He Is

Marco Rubio, goddamned loser that he is, lost the Florida primary, and his campaign is SO over, bro. Rubio told his supporter(s) he was suspending his campaign Tuesday night, after every news organization in the universe simultaneously punched him...
Soon, she will be feeding the tree of liberty.

Idaho Defends Crucial Parental Right To Let Own Kids Die For Funsies

Oh, Idaho. Poor, sad, desperately WTF Idaho, the Florida of the part of the country you always forget exists. What the H-E-double hockey sticks are you up to now? Oh, just protecting the right of parents to let their children die,...
He's just saying! That Lindsey Graham is stupid and here is his phone number.

Congressional Republicans Finally Accepting Reality That Trump Is Their New Daddy

They said it couldn't be done. Who is they? You know, they. Donald Trump won't really run for president. Donald Trump won't really make it to Iowa. Donald Trump won't really win any states. Donald Trump won't really blah blah...

Marco Rubio Is A Lot Like Harry Potter, And All These Other Fictional Characters

Did you know Marco Rubio is exactly like Harry Potter? Well, apart from the whole "Harry Potter wins in the end" thing. And the "Harry Potter is a sympathetic character" thing. And the "Harry Potter isn't a sad, annoying...

How Many Saviors Must Die For The Sins Of Evil Ted Cruz?

The fun thing about watching Republicans beat each other to death with their fists and their "brains" and whatever other blunt instruments are handy is that you don't even have to pick a side, because you hope they all lose. Take,...

Bob Dole’s Limp Penis Endorses Marco Rubio

Marco Rubio is doing so awesome at winning not first place in the Republican primary! Last week, he received the "Fine, you're better than Jeb I guess" nod from South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley, which helped him sweep second-ish place on...
Hey, that dude looks like Breitbart!

Ted Cruz Sorry For Saying Marco Rubio Hates Your Stupid Bible

Oh, goody, the 2016 presidential campaign has descended into that inevitable phase where one campaign accuses another of hatin' on the Holy Bible. Thanks to some really muddy audio in a short video clip of Marco Rubio encountering Ted...

In Which My Husband Takes Vicious, Belated Pleasure In General Sherman’s March To The Sea

There was a methy, crunchy-faced man in the gas station, glaring fire at us. My husband let his testosterone rise, ready to strike like a viper, should the need arise, at the man he contemptuously described as "what all...

Donald Trump Just Askin’ If Marco Rubio Is Also A Foreign From Canada

While Donald Trump technically won the South Carolina primary on Saturday, in that he received more votes than anyone else and also got all of the delegates, Marco Rubio also won, in a way. In the way that he...
Sometimes you just forget you already did that

Presidential Wannabes Prepare For Saturday Night Massacre Funtimes, Yay!

Greetings, salutations, and happy voting day. Wait WHAT!? Voting day?!?! Calm down, you don't need to readjust your calendar or change out of your footie pajamas and hurry off to work. (Unless you work the weekend shift, in which case,...

Jeb Bush Tells Mean Pope To Leave His Favorite Teddy Bear Trump Alone

Jeb Bush is not dangling on the edge while fondling his gun that says JEB BUSH on it, contrary to certain vicious internet rumors he started, but he is definitely suffering from Stockholm syndrome. In the epic fight between Donald Trump and...

Oh Look, Our Charleston Party Is Tonight, So We Just Figured Out Where We’re Going!

Charlestoners! (That is your new name.) It is Friday, so we finally picked a spot for our Wonkette Winter Wonksicle Tour Meetup and Drinky, which is tonight! We shall be buying you pizzas and beers at Mellow Mushroom, the...
Sad Jebbers is sadness.

Jeb Bush Admits He Should Delete His Account

Poor Jeb. He was born with a silver bullet in his mouth. On Tuesday, after Jeb tweeted this idiotic picture of a gun with his name on it, his campaign had to clarify that it was not in fact a...
Leadership fail

Nikki Haley Wants To Take Marco Rubio Behind The Middle School, Get Him Pregnant

Aw fiddlesticks and tricky zippers, more bad news for sad pathetic loser Jeb Bush. Despite his shameless desperate begging for the endorsement of one Gov. Nikki Haley of South Carolina, where Jeb had hoped he was "going to do really well," the...

Ted Cruz Wins Paternity Test For Heart Of Bristol Palin’s Second Deadbeat Baby Daddy

While the maggot-infested trash heap that is the Palin family is drunk-brawlin' for Trump, there's one almost-member of the clan who's got a taste for Canadian bacon: Today, the Cruz for President campaign announced the endorsement of Medal of Honor recipient and...
There are domains where science must not trespass!

Are Jeb And Dubya From The Same Family? A Wonksplainer

Americans are an inquisitive people, always driven to seek out answers to the questions that matter, like "Is there proof of Albert Einstein's theorized gravitational waves?" or "How should we address the threat of global warming?" or "Is our...