Twilight heart-throb and South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford loved his Argentine Firecracker soul-mate so much that he abandoned his wife, kids and that annoying job (Republican leader of a slave state) just to pile up frequent-flier miles and bang his mistress with romance. But now the mean twerps at the state’s “ethics panel” have examined Sanford’s behavior and charged him with 37 crimes, hooray! But the state attorney general won’t necessarily pursue this, because come on, does he look black? MORE »

Beloved South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham is gay for three things: Joe Lieberman, John McCain, and acting like a responsible adult once every year or so, to no avail. It is for Lindsey Graham’s latest bout with his third gayness that the Charleston County GOP has now censured him, which is the political term for “doing nothing of any value.” MORE »

Meet Roland Corning! Roland Corning, a 65-year-old married man, likes two things: 1. being an assistant district attorney in South Carolina and 2. filling his Ford Explorer with sex medicine and sex toys and 18-year-old prostitutes (for sex) and taking all these things to the local cemetery on Monday afternoons (for sex). This is illegal, all of it, well all of the second part. Except when a South Carolina policeman stopped Corning outside of his ad hoc graveyard pleasure den, he did not charge him with any crime after Corning identified himself as the Roland Corning, assistant district attorney and celebrated tombside rake. MORE »

• MARK SANFORD IS MOST FAMOUS PERSON IN SOUTH AMERICA: Here’s a fun story about how embarrassing South Carolina is, on a global scale: “He was in Peru, on a train from Cusco to Machu Picchu, when he and his wife began chatting with another couple. Where, Harpootlian asked, are you from? Rio, came the response, and you? South Carolina, Harpootlian replied. Mark Sanford! the couple exclaimed. Argentina!” [LA Times]

Those two South Carolina county GOP chairs who got BUSTED yesterday for calling Sen. Jim DeMint a cheap Jew — as a compliment however! — have now apologized to the Internet. James Ulmer and Edwin Merwin, who wrote in response to an editorial attacking Jim DeMint for his weak procurement of federal dollars that, “There is a saying that the Jews who are wealthy got that way not by watching dollars, but instead by taking care of the pennies and the dollars taking care of themselves,” now say that they did not mean any offense by using this line of logic that Adolf Hitler once heard and went insane over. MORE »

A Democratic state senator in South Carolina recently opined in The State that Sen. Jim DeMint, while rather deft in the arts of being tragically insane on a national level, does a poor job of bringing money home for his state, SOME OF WHICH MIGHT HELP. An unfair criticism? So unfair!, declared “Bamberg County GOP Chairman Edwin Merwin and Orangeburg County GOP Chairman James Ulmer” in a response. Let’s see how they made their case! “There is a saying that the Jews who are wealthy…” OH GOD. MORE »

Mark Sanford was involved in a SENSATIONAL high-speed chase the other day in South Carolina, where he has a lucrative freelance governorship gig. The driver of Sanford’s car was going 85 mph when he was pulled over by a state trooper, who wanted to know what the deal was with the 85 mph. For such is his job! Mark Sanford’s job is to roll down the passenger-side window, mumble “Mark Sanford” with all the engagement of a tape recorder that had previously recorded someone else mumbling “Mark Sanford,” extend his hand without ever leaving the car, and avoid a speeding ticket. [WILD VIDEO at The State]

You know who’s a badass? This guy, Dean Allen, Republican candidate for state adjutant general (oversees National Guard-y, emergency management stuff). Just look at the way he pulls that trigger on his AK-47! MORE »

While riding bikes with one of his sons, delicate human being Mark Sanford fell and sprained both wrists. Immediately, Sanford publicly blamed the episode on another person, specifically his own child. “[My son] had not yet learned the rules of the road, so to speak, and he turned left and I was stupidly locked in my pedals. So down I went. I was lucky I didn’t break both wrists.” So, smooth move kid. Anyway, what he really wants to talk about is his broken heart, which has been inexorably hemorrhaging into the rapids of a spiritual Rio Panama. His family is also to blame for this. [GreenvilleOnline]

OKAY JESUS IT’S NOT LIKE JOE WILSON BEAT OBAMA WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER, ALTHOUGH HE PROBABLY WANTED TO, BUT STILL: So… what exactly are they demanding the state Chamber of Commerce do here? “WASHINGTON — State and local tourism officials are being flooded by e-mails and calls from people across the country, who say they won’t vacation in South Carolina because they’re upset by Rep. Joe Wilson’s outburst at President Obama. A number of the out-of-state e-mailers have said they’ve taken beach trips for years in Myrtle Beach, Hilton Head and other resort areas, but don’t plan to return, officials said.” Huh. You’d think that people would’ve already decided not to return to Myrtle Beach after, you know… their first trip to Myrtle Beach. [The Sun News]

On yesterday’s edition of the television program Fox News Sunday, Chris Wallace dared ask his guest, weird Joe Wilson, if he hates Barack Obama because of his black race. (It is common for white people to hate/enslave black people in South Carolina.) Wilson was all, no c’mon man! Then he empirically proved that he is best friends with the black Michelle Obama: “I respect President Obama. Actually, there’s a relationship in a way … his wife, ah, her family’s from Georgetown [South Carolina], ah, my family’s from next door, in McClellanville, so I, ah, have a great respect for the president.” WE BET THESE FAMILIES HUNG OUT ALL THE TIME. [Daily Intel via The Awl]