Tag Archives: sotu

  Also no bread bags

Joni Ernst Fails To Castrate Hog During CPAC Speech, Lame

Don't say breadbags, don't say breadbags
Awwwwwww yeah. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, and no, we don’t mean the War on Xmas. We’re talking about the annual gathering of suited-up conservatives (seriously, ladies, leave your whore clothes at home) at the Conservative Political Action Conference. That’s where our favorite wingnuts — elected and never-gonna-be elected — gather to read speeches off TelePrompters (oh yes they do) about how Obama sucks; conservatives are THE BEST; God hates liberals; freedom is great but not free, that’s the magic of capitalism, duh; Obama sucks; guns hooray!; gays are icky and not allowed at CPAC because GROSS; Obama sucks; Constitution stuff; every life is sacred except for terrorists, bomb bomb bomb ’em all now; baby-killing whores and their whore pills, amirite?; Obama still sucks; FREEDOM!!! Read more on Joni Ernst Fails To Castrate Hog During CPAC Speech, Lame…
  Gonna get me a quick nap and then it's FIREBALL-THIRTY y'all

Best Justice Ever Ruth Bader Ginsburg May Have Been Slightly Drunk At SOTU Address

Just let me nap this out, we should go do shots after.
So, here is a thing for your Friday that will make you giggly happy. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who is a bad-ass, was caught on camera takin’ a little snooze during Obummer’s State Of The Union address, because who wouldn’t, and she admitted Thursday night that she MAY HAVE BEEN a little bit hammered that night, due to she and the other judges always have dinner before the Big Game, and Anthony Kennedy brought some wine she was NOT about to decline: Read more on Best Justice Ever Ruth Bader Ginsburg May Have Been Slightly Drunk At SOTU Address…
  Won't someone please think of Steve Doocy?

Obama’s Free Socialist College Plan Unfair To Fox News Idiots!

Weep for him, America
President Barry H. Bamz Obama recently announced a plan to give free community college to everyone who promises to do their homework on time and not fail all the classes. Edumacation is good, and free is good too, since kids these days are drowning in student loan debt, which is bad. (Elizabeth Warren says so, and she knows everything. Don’t argue.) And besides, all the other cool countries are doing it, which might have something to do with why all their kids are smarter at doing the math and the reading and the science than our kids. Read more on Obama’s Free Socialist College Plan Unfair To Fox News Idiots!…
  The Audacity Of A Dope

Ted Cruz Ready To Be President, Not Ready For YouTube

Hold on, hold on, still thinkin' ...
President Ted Cruz had a very special moment of dumbth in the production of his very own response to the State of the Union address. Instead of taking the risk of doing it live, he wisely chose to record his response in advance, so that if he made any mistakes, they could be edited out in another take. Read more on Ted Cruz Ready To Be President, Not Ready For YouTube…
  The Wonder Years

Joni Ernst: Let Them Wear Bread Bags

NEWS FLASH: You can afford these shoes on $7.25 an hour
Sen. Joni Ernst did her best in her robotic SOTU response to let us know that she empathizes with folks facing hard times: You see, growing up, I had only one good pair of shoes. So on rainy school days, my mom would slip plastic bread bags over them to keep them dry. But I was never embarrassed. Because the school bus would be filled with rows and rows of young Iowans with bread bags slipped over their feet. And thus was born the #breadbags hashtag: Read more on Joni Ernst: Let Them Wear Bread Bags…
  May Lunge Off-Camera For Meth

Florida Man To Give Tea Party SOTU Response. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

You know what our very favorite part of SOTU night is? No, not when Obummer crams his hot, thick, black socialism down our nubile, slightly agape throats. Not even when pig farmer Sen. Joni Ernst castrates an Obama doll with her bare hands on live national television, for freedom. No, our very favorite part of this bizarre annual spectacle of American governance comes after all that, in the cry for attention known as the Tea Party Express’ State of the Union rebuttal. Read more on Florida Man To Give Tea Party SOTU Response. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?…
  don't hurt yourself reaching for that outrage

Sexist Liberals Afraid Pig Farmer Joni Ernst Will Castrate Obama In SOTU Response

biased pic i'm sure
Bobby Jindal. Bob McDonnell. Paul Ryan. My Man Mitch. Thirsty Guy. CMR. Delivering the GOP’s State of the Union rebuttal can launch a starry-eyed Republican to anywhere on a scale of Hapless Presidential Ticket to federal prison. So who, pray tell, will be this year’s sacrificial pap purveyor who argues against middle-class tax cuts on behalf of the GOP? (Please say Joni Ernst. Please say Joni Ernst. Please say — ) Read more on Sexist Liberals Afraid Pig Farmer Joni Ernst Will Castrate Obama In SOTU Response…
  sun rises. gop lies about obamacare. sun sets.

Cathy McMorris Rodgers Is A Horrible Lying Assclown

So, y’all remember that vagina’d monologue from the lady who gave the official, not-in-Spanish GOP response to Dictator Obama’s State of the Union speechy thingy? Yeah, the one who seemed all sweet and stuff, until you listened to her words, which were fluff and boring, and apparently full of lies. Because when you are addressing the entire nation after the President, who would have ever thought that the media would maybe, possibly, look into the words that came forth from your mouthhole and check them against reality? Not every media outlet treats the GOP like Fox News. During Cathy McMorris Rodgers response, she mentioned “Bette from Spokane,” who was kicked off her health insurance and was facing a “nearly $700 per month” increase in her premiums, #ThanksObama. This was to illustrate how bad the law was, and how all Americans everywhere were suffering because Obamacare is THE WORST. And there is no way that the media (thanks, Spokesman-Review) would find this “Bette,” and certainly no way that there would be cheaper options for “Bette” that the Congresswoman neglected to mention, because who would be so utterly incompetent as to tell a bald-faced LIE on national television that could be tracked down merely days later? It turns out that Cathy McMorris Rodgers, and her staff, are, indeed, that incompetent. Or just liars. Probably both.  Read more on Cathy McMorris Rodgers Is A Horrible Lying Assclown…
  everybody must get droned

Minnesota Hero Seeks To Use Drones To Deliver Beer; We’ll Take One Million, Please

Beer. As the great philosopher said, it is the cause of and solution to all life’s problems. And one brave man was trying to make it easier for people to cause and/or solve problems, by using good ol’ American ingenuity to find a better, faster, easier way to get your frothy goodness to you. From the Star Tribune: The idea seemed ingenious: Delivering 12-packs of beer to the cold, windswept surfaces of popular ice fishing lakes — using a drone. Reading this, we literally heard a Hallelujah chorus, as a ray of golden sunlight illuminated our computer screen. What giant among men, what hero in a world full of fallen souls was Touched by the Hand of a Muse with such utter, simple brilliance? Seriously, this is the kind of thing Pete Seeger would write a folk song about, peace be upon him. Anything to make alcohol easier to obtain gets a million thumbs-up from us. But, Glorious Readers, it was not to be. For you see, drones are meant to kill innocent wedding parties, not deliver hoppy, wonderful goodness to your frozen fishing shack. Come with us, and learn more about this tragic tale.  Read more on Minnesota Hero Seeks To Use Drones To Deliver Beer; We’ll Take One Million, Please…
  and by slightly we mean slightly

A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness

Gentlemen, did you wake up this morning with a little extra pep in your Mr. Peepers? We sure did, because WE FINALLY GOT OUR PRESIDENT BACK! It’s like that awesome hopey and changey guy from 2008 snuck back out and sucker-punched the GOP right in the nards with like a million awesome words at the State of the Union! While we were busy snarkily drunkblogging the speech and the 43 GOP responses, we may have neglected to discuss with you, Glorious Reader, why President Obama’s speech was such a tour-de-force, so grab your favorite politilube, and be prepared to fap away to some motherfucking awesomeness.  Read more on A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness…
  old wine in new bottle

Your Wonkette Field Guide To America’s New Sweetheart, Cathy McMorris Rodgers

So how about that State of the Union response, huh? No, not Mike Lee, though we’re sure that was adorable. Nope, not Rand Paul. We couldn’t even find his speech. The lady one. No, not the Spanglish-speaking one. The OTHER lady. The one that spoke American but gave the same speech. Cathy John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt McMorris Rodgers. That one. Wasn’t she a treat? Did you like it as she simpered and unfortunate-necklined her way into your heart, where the real State of the Union lives? Us too! We are sold on her vision for America, even though the speech didn’t really explain what that was. “Anything but the black guy” may be a rallying cry, but does not actually count as a plan to run a country, much to the GOP’s chagrin. So, what is America’s new Super Sweetheart SuperMom like? Besides being remarkably fecund while in office, having 3 babbies in 6 years, all during her Congressional terms, she is otherwise pretty much your garden variety little snipe of a Republican, but with lady parts, which makes her extra well-suited for reaching out to ladies, because their uteri can all quiver in harmony or bow down before a really busy uterus like Cathy’s or something like that. Read more on Your Wonkette Field Guide To America’s New Sweetheart, Cathy McMorris Rodgers…
  i say it here it comes out there

GOP Hopes You Won’t Notice Their Two Little Ladies Made The Exact Same Speech

Did you enjoy the dulcet, honeyed tones of Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers, of Washington, responding to the State of the Union last night? You did, right? She looked pretty! Her voice was nice! She said hilarious things that made no sense and was all like “I worked at McDonald’s once. BOOTSTRAPS,” and “America was inside you all along.” Obviously you did not watch Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, of Florida, give the other official GOP response, because you couldn’t find it by that point (you also couldn’t find Mike Lee’s “Tea Party” response, or Rand Paul’s response to the National Board of Opthalmology). And anyway, you probably don’t even speak Mexican, which is what Ros-Lehtinen’s speech was in. But are we still drunk, or is it pretty fucking weird that the two women gave the same speech, with just the personal anecdotes changed? Are we getting our feminist knickers in a feminist twist over nothing, or would two men not be expected to interchangeably mouth their platitudes without even a pretense that those were their own thoughts and words? Here, Fox, please splainer: Ros-Lehtinen spokesman Keith Fernandez said Monday that the Florida congresswoman was working on translating McMorris Rodgers’ planned speech and that the Spanish version would be essentially the same content as its English companion, with personal anecdotes or references changed. Read more on GOP Hopes You Won’t Notice Their Two Little Ladies Made The Exact Same Speech…
  The State Of Our Union Is Drink

Wonkette Live Drunkblog State Of The Union 2014 Liveblog SOTU Search Optimized Drunk Headline

What time is the 2014 State of the Union SOTU Fox News? It is at 8:55 Eastern ET Time. What time is the Wonkette Livebloog time-stamped word salad refresh your browser to update liveblog? IT IS ABOUT AN HOUR AGO. Welcome to part two of your nonsense! Nonsensers! 10:09 p.m.: And we’re back! That was a scary couple of minutes. It’s a finely calibrated operation to move from one blog to another, nothelped by the fact that we’re drunk. 10:11 p.m.: There’s old WALNUTS! making a Peyton Manning Face. Super Bowl’s not until Sunday, Walnuts. 10:12 p.m.: Yeah, Olympics! U-S-A! U-S-A! Bring home the gold in that jumping snowmobile motorcross whatever thingie! 10:15 p.m.: So far the only times we’ve seen Boehner stand up is for the veterans, because everyone loves The Troops. Now if he could just get his caucus of rabid ferrets to actually budget some funds to help them. 10:17 p.m.: Bamz totally bringing down the room with this horrible, horrible story. Now it’s getting inspiring. Boehner looks like he’s straining to drop a deuce. Now everyone is standing to applaud this guy. Pardon us, someone seems to be chopping onions in the Wonkette Command Center. 10:18 p.m.: Still with the onions. Or maybe the dog has gas. 10:20 p.m.: Editrix informs us that the dog does not have gas and her poops are perfumed like the finest shops in Paris. Okay then. Read more on Wonkette Live Drunkblog State Of The Union 2014 Liveblog SOTU Search Optimized Drunk Headline…
  stock up on whiskey

You’re Going To Be So Drunk By The End Of All The State Of The Union Responses

Did you already check out our handy guide to what time and where the State of the Union is on and what you should drink? Were you feeling like you could probably manage those rules for an hour or two days or however long it is that Barack is going to talk at you? Well, you are a damn fool for thinking you would get out of the SOTU jungle alive, because there are going to be so many prebuttals and rebuttals and sur-rebuttals that you will be doing shots until the break of dawn. Sorry about your liver! Blame the GOP. As we write this, there are no fewer than four separate responses planned. FOUR. Plus at least one by a non-Republican, unless Roseanne Barr has gotten even weirder lately. Read more on You’re Going To Be So Drunk By The End Of All The State Of The Union Responses…
  a vagina-d monologue

Despite Risk Of Raging Libido, GOP Picks a LADY To Deliver State Of The Union Response

Oh ladies. If the GOP isn’t insulting your intellectual capacity, demanding you be submissive, or trying to keep your libido in check (because you are all raging fuckmonsters), then they are desperately wooing you for your votes. Their latest attempt to distract from their 1930-era policies is to scrounge around and find a GEN-YOU-INE lady to deliver the Republican response to the State of the Union. Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers (R-WA) will deliver the response immediately following the President’s address on Tuesday night. Who is this lady what speaks for the GOP? Let’s wonksplore. Read more on Despite Risk Of Raging Libido, GOP Picks a LADY To Deliver State Of The Union Response…