Tag Archives: sotu

  Also no bread bags

Joni Ernst Fails To Castrate Hog During CPAC Speech, Lame

Don't say breadbags, don't say breadbags
Awwwwwww yeah. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, and no, we don’t mean the War on Xmas. We’re talking about the annual gathering of suited-up conservatives (seriously, ladies, leave your whore clothes at home) at the Conservative Political Action Conference. That’s where our favorite wingnuts — elected and never-gonna-be elected — gather to read speeches off TelePrompters (oh yes they do) about how Obama sucks; conservatives are THE BEST; God hates liberals; freedom is great but not free, that’s the magic of capitalism, duh; Obama sucks; guns hooray!; gays are icky and not allowed at CPAC because GROSS; Obama sucks; Constitution stuff; every life is sacred except for terrorists, bomb bomb bomb ’em all now; baby-killing whores and their whore pills, amirite?; Obama still sucks; FREEDOM!!! Read more on Joni Ernst Fails To Castrate Hog During CPAC Speech, Lame…
  Gonna get me a quick nap and then it's FIREBALL-THIRTY y'all

Best Justice Ever Ruth Bader Ginsburg May Have Been Slightly Drunk At SOTU Address

Just let me nap this out, we should go do shots after.
So, here is a thing for your Friday that will make you giggly happy. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who is a bad-ass, was caught on camera takin’ a little snooze during Obummer’s State Of The Union address, because who wouldn’t, and she admitted Thursday night that she MAY HAVE BEEN a little bit hammered that night, due to she and the other judges always have dinner before the Big Game, and Anthony Kennedy brought some wine she was NOT about to decline: Read more on Best Justice Ever Ruth Bader Ginsburg May Have Been Slightly Drunk At SOTU Address…
  Won't someone please think of Steve Doocy?

Obama’s Free Socialist College Plan Unfair To Fox News Idiots!

Weep for him, America
President Barry H. Bamz Obama recently announced a plan to give free community college to everyone who promises to do their homework on time and not fail all the classes. Edumacation is good, and free is good too, since kids these days are drowning in student loan debt, which is bad. (Elizabeth Warren says so, and she knows everything. Don’t argue.) And besides, all the other cool countries are doing it, which might have something to do with why all their kids are smarter at doing the math and the reading and the science than our kids. Read more on Obama’s Free Socialist College Plan Unfair To Fox News Idiots!…
  The Audacity Of A Dope

Ted Cruz Ready To Be President, Not Ready For YouTube

Hold on, hold on, still thinkin' ...
President Ted Cruz had a very special moment of dumbth in the production of his very own response to the State of the Union address. Instead of taking the risk of doing it live, he wisely chose to record his response in advance, so that if he made any mistakes, they could be edited out in another take. Read more on Ted Cruz Ready To Be President, Not Ready For YouTube…
  The Wonder Years

Joni Ernst: Let Them Wear Bread Bags

NEWS FLASH: You can afford these shoes on $7.25 an hour
Sen. Joni Ernst did her best in her robotic SOTU response to let us know that she empathizes with folks facing hard times: You see, growing up, I had only one good pair of shoes. So on rainy school days, my mom would slip plastic bread bags over them to keep them dry. But I was never embarrassed. Because the school bus would be filled with rows and rows of young Iowans with bread bags slipped over their feet. And thus was born the #breadbags hashtag: Read more on Joni Ernst: Let Them Wear Bread Bags…
  May Lunge Off-Camera For Meth

Florida Man To Give Tea Party SOTU Response. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

You know what our very favorite part of SOTU night is? No, not when Obummer crams his hot, thick, black socialism down our nubile, slightly agape throats. Not even when pig farmer Sen. Joni Ernst castrates an Obama doll with her bare hands on live national television, for freedom. No, our very favorite part of this bizarre annual spectacle of American governance comes after all that, in the cry for attention known as the Tea Party Express’ State of the Union rebuttal. Read more on Florida Man To Give Tea Party SOTU Response. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?…
  don't hurt yourself reaching for that outrage

Sexist Liberals Afraid Pig Farmer Joni Ernst Will Castrate Obama In SOTU Response

biased pic i'm sure
Bobby Jindal. Bob McDonnell. Paul Ryan. My Man Mitch. Thirsty Guy. CMR. Delivering the GOP’s State of the Union rebuttal can launch a starry-eyed Republican to anywhere on a scale of Hapless Presidential Ticket to federal prison. So who, pray tell, will be this year’s sacrificial pap purveyor who argues against middle-class tax cuts on behalf of the GOP? (Please say Joni Ernst. Please say Joni Ernst. Please say — ) Read more on Sexist Liberals Afraid Pig Farmer Joni Ernst Will Castrate Obama In SOTU Response…
  sun rises. gop lies about obamacare. sun sets.

Cathy McMorris Rodgers Is A Horrible Lying Assclown

So, y’all remember that vagina’d monologue from the lady who gave the official, not-in-Spanish GOP response to Dictator Obama’s State of the Union speechy thingy? Yeah, the one who seemed all sweet and stuff, until you listened to her words, which were fluff and boring, and apparently full of lies. Because when you are addressing the entire nation after the President, who would have ever thought that the media would maybe, possibly, look into the words that came forth from your mouthhole and check them against reality? Not every media outlet treats the GOP like Fox News. During Cathy McMorris Rodgers response, she mentioned “Bette from Spokane,” who was kicked off her health insurance and was facing a “nearly $700 per month” increase in her premiums, #ThanksObama. This was to illustrate how bad the law was, and how all Americans everywhere were suffering because Obamacare is THE WORST. And there is no way that the media (thanks, Spokesman-Review) would find this “Bette,” and certainly no way that there would be cheaper options for “Bette” that the Congresswoman neglected to mention, because who would be so utterly incompetent as to tell a bald-faced LIE on national television that could be tracked down merely days later? It turns out that Cathy McMorris Rodgers, and her staff, are, indeed, that incompetent. Or just liars. Probably both.  Read more on Cathy McMorris Rodgers Is A Horrible Lying Assclown…
  everybody must get droned

Minnesota Hero Seeks To Use Drones To Deliver Beer; We’ll Take One Million, Please

Beer. As the great philosopher said, it is the cause of and solution to all life’s problems. And one brave man was trying to make it easier for people to cause and/or solve problems, by using good ol’ American ingenuity to find a better, faster, easier way to get your frothy goodness to you. From the Star Tribune: The idea seemed ingenious: Delivering 12-packs of beer to the cold, windswept surfaces of popular ice fishing lakes — using a drone. Reading this, we literally heard a Hallelujah chorus, as a ray of golden sunlight illuminated our computer screen. What giant among men, what hero in a world full of fallen souls was Touched by the Hand of a Muse with such utter, simple brilliance? Seriously, this is the kind of thing Pete Seeger would write a folk song about, peace be upon him. Anything to make alcohol easier to obtain gets a million thumbs-up from us. But, Glorious Readers, it was not to be. For you see, drones are meant to kill innocent wedding parties, not deliver hoppy, wonderful goodness to your frozen fishing shack. Come with us, and learn more about this tragic tale.  Read more on Minnesota Hero Seeks To Use Drones To Deliver Beer; We’ll Take One Million, Please…
  and by slightly we mean slightly

A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness

Gentlemen, did you wake up this morning with a little extra pep in your Mr. Peepers? We sure did, because WE FINALLY GOT OUR PRESIDENT BACK! It’s like that awesome hopey and changey guy from 2008 snuck back out and sucker-punched the GOP right in the nards with like a million awesome words at the State of the Union! While we were busy snarkily drunkblogging the speech and the 43 GOP responses, we may have neglected to discuss with you, Glorious Reader, why President Obama’s speech was such a tour-de-force, so grab your favorite politilube, and be prepared to fap away to some motherfucking awesomeness.  Read more on A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness…
  old wine in new bottle

Your Wonkette Field Guide To America’s New Sweetheart, Cathy McMorris Rodgers

So how about that State of the Union response, huh? No, not Mike Lee, though we’re sure that was adorable. Nope, not Rand Paul. We couldn’t even find his speech. The lady one. No, not the Spanglish-speaking one. The OTHER lady. The one that spoke American but gave the same speech. Cathy John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt McMorris Rodgers. That one. Wasn’t she a treat? Did you like it as she simpered and unfortunate-necklined her way into your heart, where the real State of the Union lives? Us too! We are sold on her vision for America, even though the speech didn’t really explain what that was. “Anything but the black guy” may be a rallying cry, but does not actually count as a plan to run a country, much to the GOP’s chagrin. So, what is America’s new Super Sweetheart SuperMom like? Besides being remarkably fecund while in office, having 3 babbies in 6 years, all during her Congressional terms, she is otherwise pretty much your garden variety little snipe of a Republican, but with lady parts, which makes her extra well-suited for reaching out to ladies, because their uteri can all quiver in harmony or bow down before a really busy uterus like Cathy’s or something like that. Read more on Your Wonkette Field Guide To America’s New Sweetheart, Cathy McMorris Rodgers…
  i say it here it comes out there

GOP Hopes You Won’t Notice Their Two Little Ladies Made The Exact Same Speech

Did you enjoy the dulcet, honeyed tones of Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers, of Washington, responding to the State of the Union last night? You did, right? She looked pretty! Her voice was nice! She said hilarious things that made no sense and was all like “I worked at McDonald’s once. BOOTSTRAPS,” and “America was inside you all along.” Obviously you did not watch Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, of Florida, give the other official GOP response, because you couldn’t find it by that point (you also couldn’t find Mike Lee’s “Tea Party” response, or Rand Paul’s response to the National Board of Opthalmology). And anyway, you probably don’t even speak Mexican, which is what Ros-Lehtinen’s speech was in. But are we still drunk, or is it pretty fucking weird that the two women gave the same speech, with just the personal anecdotes changed? Are we getting our feminist knickers in a feminist twist over nothing, or would two men not be expected to interchangeably mouth their platitudes without even a pretense that those were their own thoughts and words? Here, Fox, please splainer: Ros-Lehtinen spokesman Keith Fernandez said Monday that the Florida congresswoman was working on translating McMorris Rodgers’ planned speech and that the Spanish version would be essentially the same content as its English companion, with personal anecdotes or references changed. Read more on GOP Hopes You Won’t Notice Their Two Little Ladies Made The Exact Same Speech…
  The State Of Our Union Is Drink

Wonkette Live Drunkblog State Of The Union 2014 Liveblog SOTU Search Optimized Drunk Headline

What time is the 2014 State of the Union SOTU Fox News? It is at 8:55 Eastern ET Time. What time is the Wonkette Livebloog time-stamped word salad refresh your browser to update liveblog? IT IS ABOUT AN HOUR AGO. Welcome to part two of your nonsense! Nonsensers! 10:09 p.m.: And we’re back! That was a scary couple of minutes. It’s a finely calibrated operation to move from one blog to another, nothelped by the fact that we’re drunk. 10:11 p.m.: There’s old WALNUTS! making a Peyton Manning Face. Super Bowl’s not until Sunday, Walnuts. 10:12 p.m.: Yeah, Olympics! U-S-A! U-S-A! Bring home the gold in that jumping snowmobile motorcross whatever thingie! 10:15 p.m.: So far the only times we’ve seen Boehner stand up is for the veterans, because everyone loves The Troops. Now if he could just get his caucus of rabid ferrets to actually budget some funds to help them. 10:17 p.m.: Bamz totally bringing down the room with this horrible, horrible story. Now it’s getting inspiring. Boehner looks like he’s straining to drop a deuce. Now everyone is standing to applaud this guy. Pardon us, someone seems to be chopping onions in the Wonkette Command Center. 10:18 p.m.: Still with the onions. Or maybe the dog has gas. 10:20 p.m.: Editrix informs us that the dog does not have gas and her poops are perfumed like the finest shops in Paris. Okay then. Read more on Wonkette Live Drunkblog State Of The Union 2014 Liveblog SOTU Search Optimized Drunk Headline…
  stock up on whiskey

You’re Going To Be So Drunk By The End Of All The State Of The Union Responses

Did you already check out our handy guide to what time and where the State of the Union is on and what you should drink? Were you feeling like you could probably manage those rules for an hour or two days or however long it is that Barack is going to talk at you? Well, you are a damn fool for thinking you would get out of the SOTU jungle alive, because there are going to be so many prebuttals and rebuttals and sur-rebuttals that you will be doing shots until the break of dawn. Sorry about your liver! Blame the GOP. As we write this, there are no fewer than four separate responses planned. FOUR. Plus at least one by a non-Republican, unless Roseanne Barr has gotten even weirder lately. Read more on You’re Going To Be So Drunk By The End Of All The State Of The Union Responses…
  a vagina-d monologue

Despite Risk Of Raging Libido, GOP Picks a LADY To Deliver State Of The Union Response

Oh ladies. If the GOP isn’t insulting your intellectual capacity, demanding you be submissive, or trying to keep your libido in check (because you are all raging fuckmonsters), then they are desperately wooing you for your votes. Their latest attempt to distract from their 1930-era policies is to scrounge around and find a GEN-YOU-INE lady to deliver the Republican response to the State of the Union. Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers (R-WA) will deliver the response immediately following the President’s address on Tuesday night. Who is this lady what speaks for the GOP? Let’s wonksplore. Read more on Despite Risk Of Raging Libido, GOP Picks a LADY To Deliver State Of The Union Response…
  the state of our union is zzzzzzzz

Peggy Noonan Is So Very Bored With Barack Obama Giving The State Of The Union As If He Were President Or Something

She could not believe she was snowbound again. Yet another storm had blown through the East Coast, stranding Peggy Noonan in her tastefully appointed suite of rooms high above Manhattan. She lay upon her chaise longue in the parlor, wind and snow rattling the windows, through which she saw only a gray-tinted nothingness. It was a brutal winter both outside her apartment and inside her soul. She would have liked to stroll the lively avenues of New York, to dip into her neighborhood wine bar and stick her open mouth beneath the spigot of one of the great oaken casks the owners set aside especially for her. But alas, Comrade de Blasio was using the storm to unleash the first strike in his class war by refusing to plow the streets of the Upper East Side. All the wine bars and boutiques and Greek restaurants were shuttered, the great engine of capitalism ground to a halt by this freezing instrument of God’s wrath! Peggy sighed, lifted her martini glass to her lips and promised herself for the thousandth time she would stop taking the phone calls of the perpetually overwrought Kathryn Jean Lopez. One could only take but so much drama and concern-trolling about vacuum cleaners. In another time she would have looked forward to the annual State of the Union for spiritual succor, devoured that most American spectacle for nourishment of her soul as surely as the beggar devours a loaf of bread for nourishment of the body. Alas, the country was entering Year 6 of the Reign of the Uncouth Moor Barack Obama, who had already made so many speeches that had not moved her. Why would she bestir herself for one more? Why would anyone in this great country? Read more on Peggy Noonan Is So Very Bored With Barack Obama Giving The State Of The Union As If He Were President Or Something…
  math has a liberal bias

If You Notice That $9 Is More Than $7.25, Are You A Communist?

In Tuesday’s State of the Union address, President Obama pointed out that you can work for 40 hours a week at minimum wage and still live in squalid poverty, and suggested that we raise it from $7.25 to $9 per hour by 2015, and also index it to inflation. This, of course, is Communism! This is because wages are kind of like a tax on employers, and if you raise that tax, then employers won’t hire anyone, and ergo defacto, $9 is MORE than $7.25. Also too, raising the minimum wage will not help the deficit, which is the most important challenge our country currently faces, really! In sum, the best way to help Poors is to not help them at all, the end. Ha ha, just kidding, everything we just said is bullcrap, and raising the minimum wage will help lots of people start clawing their way out of being perpetually poor. Read more on If You Notice That $9 Is More Than $7.25, Are You A Communist?…
  turgid ted's turbid turds

A Children’s Treasury Of Nugentian SOTU Antics

That gentleman in the bluejeans up there, leaning uncomfortably into the aisle at the State of the Union address is one Ted Nugent, whose reputation preceded him. Seated next to him, at the invitation of Oregon Rep. Earl Blumenauer, is another musician, Pink Martini’s Thomas Lauderdale, from Portland. Besides performing hip retro lounge music, Lauderdale is also, as Gawker puts it, “the anti-Ted Nugent: A liberal, Occupy-Movement-supporting, openly gay civil rights activist who favors gun control and loves classical music.” While Gawker attributes the seating arrangement to trolling, we didn’t see any confirmation that it was anything other than a fine karmic coincidence. In any case, Lauderdale said they had a pleasant conversation while waiting for the event, and thought Mr. Nugent was a “real gentleman.” We are pleased to report that Nugent more or less behaved himself, although a tweet from Dave Weigel noted that the super-patriot did not even “stand and clap for ‘our brave men and women in uniform are coming home.'” But can you blame him? If we were the Secret Service, we’d have warned him against making any sudden movements. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Nugentian SOTU Antics…
  shut the fuck up politico

Politico’s Super-Awesome SOTU Fact-Check Is Super-Awesome, A Fact-Check

What is the first fact Politico gets wrong in its “State of the Union Fact-Check”? Using the word fact in the title. And if you can’t trust a title … well then you are probably reading Politico! What is the second “fact” Politico gets wrong in its “State of the Union Fact-Check”? Well, let us let them tell it: The climate straw man Obama: “I urge this Congress to pursue a bipartisan, market-based solution to climate change, like the one John McCain and Joe Lieberman worked on together a few years ago. But if Congress won’t act soon to protect future generations, I will.” Cap-and-trade legislation akin to McCain-Lieberman has been dead for some time, and Obama’s one of the guilty parties. Let us investigate this, together! Read more on Politico’s Super-Awesome SOTU Fact-Check Is Super-Awesome, A Fact-Check…
  insiders say

NYT: Second-Term Obama Getting Kind Of Uppity

How confident is Barack Obama now that he’s won a second term? Does he have political capital, and is aimin’ to spend it? Or is it a matter of “cockiness,” “hubris” and foul-mouthed jive? We will go with that second option, as the New York Times insiders us ahead of tonight’s State of the Union. Read more on NYT: Second-Term Obama Getting Kind Of Uppity…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Invites Awesome Haitian Lady To SOTU FLOTUS Box

Your FLOTUS correspondent can smell an ABC Family original movie a mile away, and this one smells like some combination of Ruby Bridges, that documentary about the choir for elderly people, and scallions. It is the story of Desaline Victor. Who is Desaline Victor? “At age 102, it’s possible Desaline Victor is the oldest guest ever to attend a State of the Union address.” We are apparently not one hundred percent sure that she is the oldest, but we will run with it! Desaline Victor is also “an immigrant, former farm worker, and respected elder and minority from one of the poorest parts of South Florida.” Naturally, she will be sitting with First Lady Michelle Obama during the State of the Union as part of the all-important Second Term Agenda Item Dream Team. As both an immigrant and victim of Florida voting procedures, Victor brings age and experience to a guest box that will also include military families and victims of gun violence. Read more on Michelle Obama Invites Awesome Haitian Lady To SOTU FLOTUS Box…