Tag: sotu

I'M CRAWLING!

Ted Cruz’s Illegal Poutine Farts And Mike Huckabee’s Duggar Tantrums: Your Weekly Top Ten

Oh hey Wonkers, what's up? Are you having a nice January Saturday morning, lounging in your sex onesies? Good! Are you ready to read your weekend top ten list? Oh good, we are glad for that too! Put on...

Now Cancer Has Killed Alan Rickman. Screw You, Cancer

You know what? Just ... no: Alan Rickman, one of the best-loved and most warmly admired British actors of the past 30 years, has died in London aged 69. His death was confirmed on Thursday by his family who said...

Congressperv Steve King Happy To Shuck His Corncob Over RINO Nikki Haley

Trigger warning for ew gross disgusting nasty stop it, just stop it, too late, here we go, GAHHHHHHHHHH: The Republican representative from the Fried-Ethanol-On-A-Stick State has already pledged his monogamous undying NO HOMO love to Ted Cruz, whose stellar "principled conservative" values...

BREAKING: Kim Davis Did NOT Say President Obama’s SOTU Speech Was ‘Good’

Attention, please! Important journalism update! As we all know, the most important news of the week -- if not the whole year or the whole EVER! -- is that Kim Davis, the gay-hatin' quadruple-married ex-whore-slash-clerk of Rowan County, Kentucky,...

GOP Excited Gov. Nikki Haley Is Such Brown, So Lady

Good news for South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley! On Tuesday, she managed to deliver the most successful Republican response to a State of the Union address in recent memory. She hit all the right notes: Obama sucks; yay America;...

Pity Obama Let Those Sailors Die In Iranian Captivity, Oh They’ve Been Released?

Tyrant Barack Obama committed perhaps the most grievous sin of his evil reign Tuesday night when he danced around and gigglebanged Congress during the State of The Union, telling everybody what a badass president he was, at the very...

President Obama Asks Americans To Stop Being Dicks

Wasn't President Barry H. Oh Yeah In Your Face Bamz's final State of the Union address SO exciting, you guys? Not according to Donald Trump, who deemed it "really boring, slow, lethargic - very hard to watch!" But that's...
Leadership fail

Gov. Nikki Haley Gives GOP ‘Obama Sucks’ SOTU Response, Will Never Win Another Election

Now that President Obama has delivered his final State of the Union address (who could have guessed our union's state is strong?!), it is time for the time-honored tradition of a rising star in the Republican Party to douse her...
'S okay, he's a nice demon like Anya.

Put On Dry Panties, It’s Time To Liveblog Barack Obama And Joe Biden’s Last State Of The Union

You guys! It is the last State of the Union for our own dearly beloved B. Barry Bamz and his bestest henchman, Old Handsome Joe Biden. (Unless the Democrats and Republicans follow our advice and appoint Joey B. VP...
You can trust him, he's a doctor

Ben Carson Concerned About President Obama Inviting All These Muslim Terrorists To SOTU

The brilliant Dr. Ben Carson has a terrific new idea that is brilliant -- obviously, because the man's a genius -- and also it's like really articulate and stuff: "Let's go ahead and investigate the thing," he said. "Let's not be giving them...

President Obama ‘Bout To Run Victory Laps On Your Face! Your State Of The Union Preview.

Oh gosh, everyone, get ready to shed a single tear down your face, for tonight (Tuesday), Barack Obama will do the State Of The Kenyan Muslim Gay Usurper Union Address for the very last time! Oh no, we are...
Don't say breadbags, don't say breadbags

Joni Ernst Fails To Castrate Hog During CPAC Speech, Lame

Awwwwwww yeah. It's the most wonderful time of the year, and no, we don't mean the War on Xmas. We're talking about the annual gathering of suited-up conservatives (seriously, ladies, leave your whore clothes at home) at the Conservative...
Just let me nap this out, we should go do shots after.

Best Justice Ever Ruth Bader Ginsburg May Have Been Slightly Drunk At SOTU Address

So, here is a thing for your Friday that will make you giggly happy. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who is a bad-ass, was caught on camera takin' a little snooze during Obummer's State Of The Union address, because who wouldn't,...
Weep for him, America

Obama’s Free Socialist College Plan Unfair To Fox News Idiots!

President Barry H. Bamz Obama recently announced a plan to give free community college to everyone who promises to do their homework on time and not fail all the classes. Edumacation is good, and free is good too, since...
Hold on, hold on, still thinkin' ...

Ted Cruz Ready To Be President, Not Ready For YouTube

President Ted Cruz had a very special moment of dumbth in the production of his very own response to the State of the Union address. Instead of taking the risk of doing it live, he wisely chose to record...
NEWS FLASH: You can afford these shoes on $7.25 an hour

Joni Ernst: Let Them Wear Bread Bags

Sen. Joni Ernst did her best in her robotic SOTU response to let us know that she empathizes with folks facing hard times: You see, growing up, I had only one good pair of shoes. So on rainy school days,...