Wonkette

Remember what’s her name, from last night? The one who spoke after that guy you like so much, George W. Bush? This is what our commenter “Thomas” said during her “Democratic Response” to the SOTU: MORE »

DOES SHE MASTURBATE WITH THOSE HANDS? Jenna Bush sure claps in a weird way, as proven by this video, which also suggests she’s some kind of monkey, which is not true. [236.com]

* Heard on the Hill: Santorum seeps out again… The troubled past of Edward Kennedy and Barack Obama… Beer will get you through it. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Still mourning Mary Pinchot Meyer… Jenna Bush gets to be the center of attention. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: State of the Union best dressed list… Kucinich wasn’t clapping. [Examiner]
* In the Know: Fuzzy microphone distracts Joseph Biden… Rep. Rosa DeLauro pulls a Hillary. [The Hill]
* The Sleuth: SOTU faux pas. [WP]
* Page Six: Robert Burkle comes back to haunt the Clintons. [NYP]

Can you read that caption, or are your eyes swollen shut from playing our beloved SOTU Drinking Game? It’s apparently one of the main hobbies of Americans now. We are proud to be part of this grand institution started in 1776 by Tom Paine, the first alcoholic blogger. Anyway, that’s a guy stocking up his personal bar for the State of the Union address. [AFP/Yahoo]

George W. Bush is still president? I thought we had six presidents, mostly in Florida now, who will slowly whittle down to one: the most Changing candidate. Is Bush still doing things, laws and lies and such, and we don’t know because we’ve been watching the 2008 crowd? Did he mention a War on Syria in that speech, a surprise war, that’s somehow three, four weeks old, and we have no shred of a clue? I didn’t watch the State of the Union, but I bet it was… that.

Here’s the governor of Kansas, Kathleen Sebelius, giving the Democrat response. MORE »

This historic occasion deserves two posts on Wonkette, because pretty much anything deserves at least two posts on Wonkette. Anyway, George W. Bush is solving the economies right now. Are you excited? He is going to let us trust patients and doctors, and there will be, uh, some kind of government bonds we can purchase with the money we don’t have to keep our homes out of foreclosure. MORE »

Mr. President George W. Bush is about to get in the hearse! And then the long scary car is going to drive, uh, a few blocks to Capitol Hill, and they won’t be stopping for red lights. So if this was your big night to stop the Iraq War by, say, blocking the crosswalks … well, good luck with that. Let’s liveblog this freaking thing and immediately forgot it ever happened. MORE »

PROGRAMMING NOTE: We’ll be back with horrific liveblogging of the State of the Union address tonight at 8 p.m. Washington time. Are you ready for the 2008 SOTU Drinking Game?

Since January 2001, when our then-new President Bush gave his first fake State of the Union address — it was actually a “budget message,” as he had only been in the White House a few hours and hadn’t yet screwed up the country forever — America has gathered together for one glorious evening each January for our most precious freedom. Yes, we are talking about binge drinking while George W. Bush mispronounces common words on the teevee. MORE »

Nothing says “Our Precious Freedoms” like PETA’s annual State of the Union video of a young lady taking about an hour to get naked because she’s saying something about how you are not supposed to waterboard hamsters or eat steak. [PETA]

State of the Union, blah blah, economy, expectations, legacy … wait, what? MORE »

ALCOHOLIC PROGRAMMING NOTE: It’s State of the Union Day! And that means we’ll have an all-new SOTU Wonkette Drinking Game(TM) for you to play at home, with your friends and liver. How long have we done these SOTU bloggy drinking games? Long enough to make it an institution celebrated by the National Media, hooray! Don’t drink and drive, unless you’re a cop or a Kennedy, and check back in a few hours for the rules and ingredient list. (PS IF YOU’RE HOSTING A PUBLIC DRINKING GAME IN D.C. OR ELSEWHERE TONIGHT, EMAIL US NOW.) [Los Angeles Daily News]

A few years back, everybody was all, “Let’s impeach Bush & Cheney & Rumsfeld and try them for war crimes and execute them by firing squad, on Pay Per View.” And then our nation sort of got over it — what administration doesn’t launch a bunch of illegal wars — because the Democrats won Congress and the economy collapsed and now Americans are basically just looking around nervously for food and shelter, maybe under that bridge.

Well the good times are back: Dennis Kucinich is going to impeach George W. Bush on Monday! MORE »

This is the kind of double-secret intelligence-gathering covert agent work that separates the Tipsters from the Operatives: Congresswoman Michele Bachmann ISO young, sexy college students to serve as spring interns.

Although she has only served for six or so weeks (so far!), Rep. Bachmann has already distinguished herself by:

a) Sexually assaulting the president on live teevee after the State of the Union speech.
b) Doing right-wing talk-show interviews while naked.
c) Unveiling the secret conspiracy to give Iraq to Van Morrison’s old band (”Them”).
d) Running a Minnesota baby farm.

Don’t you want to work with the Honorable Hotty McCrazyLady? Details after the jump.

MORE »