By the Comics Curmudgeon
Greetings, Wonketteers! Your Comics Curmudgeon is back at work, reading the political cartoons so you don’t have to. Except … after a grueling two weeks spent vacationing among the Foreigns, it can be hard to readjust to life in the bitter clingy land of my birth. Most doctors will tell you that making the transition back to Americanness too quickly can be bad for your health! Thus, to avoid possible brain fevers and nasty rashes, this week’s Cartoon Violence will focus on cartoons from the Foreigns, to find out what they think of our beloved presidential candidates! See our future leaders through a crazy fun-house mirror, after the jump. MORE »

While America sleeps, one faithful Wonkette reader sends us this screen cap from work. Thank you, brave patriot! And thank you, CNN, for biting our rhymes.

Larry Craig attended a Senate hearing on climate change and totally schooled the president of Yale by pointing out the Ivy League university produced more carbon per student than Berkeley. Oh and you know which educational institution produces very little carbon per student? The pinko commies at Boise State, in Craig’s own pinko commie state of Idaho. MORE »

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Osama bin Laden is rumored to be a “rogue” CIA asset who helped defeat the Soviets in Afghanistan and topple the Red Communist Menace and make America the greatest country in the world, so it’s no surprise that George W. Bush says he wants to make sweet man love to the terror bogeyman.

President’s Day ass-fucking details, after the jump.

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Legal scholars and D.C. perverts are very excited that the “Washington sex blog” lawsuit will actually go to trial. Hooray! MORE »

Take it from us, living under the teachings of Iraq Shiite leader Ali al-Sistani sometimes gets pretty complicated. Can I wear nail polish? Can I go to a cockfight? It’s a full-time job keeping all the edicts straight! Thankfully, al-Sistani’s got a helpful Web site that clearly lays out what’s what. Gossiping? It’s a sin. Shaking hands with women? Not under his watch. Ass-fucking? Well, er, that depends: MORE »

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Agape Press got us all flustered a few days ago when they alerted us to the existence of the Sodomy Squadron, a previously unreported branch of the miliary that sent many Wonkette readers into whistful, day-long reveries. Now they’re upping the ante with a revelation about what happens when good Christian schools want to eject suspected lesbos: they get a litle visit from the sassy squadron’s muscular, fabulously-toned enforcement arm. The American Family Association’s Steve Crampton explains:

“I think this is a case in point,” he asserts, “where you have private schools, Christian businesses — and really employers of all types, whether specifically and overtly Christian or not — being given what amount to totalitarian edicts by the ‘tolerance police.’ This is not freedom — this is totalitarianism.”

Totalitarianism indeed! My advice to all you good Christians out there: stay in your shelters, practice your obscure, beleaguered faith in safety where “they” can’t find you, and I’m sure this will all blow over in a couple of years. We’ll let you know when it’s safe to come out… er, sorry, poor word choice. MORE »

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Last week, from Thursday, February 9, through Saturday, February 11, conservative political activists from around the country descended upon Washington for the annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC). And the Wonkette Welcome Wagon was there to meet them!

Okay, we kinda missed all of the panels, speeches, and events. We didn’t get to hear Ann Coulter rail against “ragheads,” and we missed the mob-scene book signings by blogebrities Glenn Reynolds and Michelle Malkin. Nor did we attend the remarks of self-professed ex-gay Alan Chambers, who said sodomy was like fast food: “It will kill you.” Uh, not if you don’t swallow!

(Remember, boys and girls: as former President Clinton can tell you, the legal definition of sodomy encompasses a wide range of sexual acts. Black’s Law Dictionary defines sodomy as “oral or anal copulation between humans, or between humans and animals.” In other words, it’s not just assfucking!)

We don’t look that drunk, do we? (Photo by the Boi From Troy, blogging at our too-cool-for-school sibling.)

Sorry for that scholarly digression. Although we missed CPAC’s substantive presentations — if Ann Coulter mocking John Kerry as the other “dominant woman in American politics” qualifies as “substantive” — we did show up for the most important part: the drinking!

A chronicle of our misadventures, after the jump.

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