Tag Archives: social security

  no need for women's bodies to shut this thing down

Government Shutdown Saga, Part Eleventy-Flurve

Whoever said that manufacturing was dead was clearly not in the “Congressional crisis” industry. You may have thought that supply was low, or that demand was waning, but Congress is back yet again to manufacture another crisis and shove it down your throat, whether you want it or not. What are we collectively gagging on this week? Government shutdown! Hoorah! We already told you what was gonna happen if/when the government shuts down, but there are so many fun tidbits that it didn’t all fit in one post. Ready for Round 2?  Read more on Government Shutdown Saga, Part Eleventy-Flurve…
  wonksplainer

Fun & Games, Congress-Style: Government Shutdown Edition

Unless you have spent the last week in a hospital because of overdosing on boner pills, you realize that folks in Congress are working harder than usual to ensure the destruction of the American, and possibly global, economy. Our least-favorite Texi-Canadian ass monkey, Ted Cruz, has been argle-bargling something something Obamacare, filibuster, and shutting down the gubmint, because the GOP is partying like it’s 1995, and all this makes our head hurt and our hand instinctively reach for mommyblogger’s little helper (whiskey). Well, if you are wondering what the hell is going on, have no fear (beyond the fear of imminent economic apocalypse), for we are here to wonksplain all that is going on.  Read more on Fun & Games, Congress-Style: Government Shutdown Edition…
  orange you glad we didn't say boehnaner?

John Boehner Really Seriously Considered Obama Budget For Whole Minutes Before Saying The Hell With It

Now, here’s an unexpected development! Creamsicle-tinted bus-stop ashtray John Boehner has rejected President Obama’s super-kind offer to please take old people’s lunch money and not beat them up any more, please, because it is not enough money from old people and too much money from bejillionaires. Damn you and your divisiveness, Barack Obama! “Despite talk about so-called balance, the president’s last offer was significantly skewed in favor of higher taxes and included only modest entitlement savings. He said he could go no further toward the middle, and that’s why his last offer was rejected,” Boehner said in a statement. Read more on John Boehner Really Seriously Considered Obama Budget For Whole Minutes Before Saying The Hell With It…
  anger management

Let’s All Have A Heart Attack Along With Bill O’Reilly

You probably don’t want to watch this video, above, of Bill O’Reilly LOSING HIS FUCKING SHIT all over Alan Colmes. Your beautiful mind, and etc. But if for some reason you feel your blood pressure is dangerously low, or you want to see what it looks like when a man is confronted with his own epistemic closure, by all means click the clicky. Read more on Let’s All Have A Heart Attack Along With Bill O’Reilly…
  get medieval on their ass

What Can We Learn From This Horrible Story About Mentally Disabled People In Dungeons?

Gawker brings us the second-most horrifying story of the morning — the other one is also from Gawker, about “Cannibal Cop,” so yeah — about mentally disabled people, with average mental ages of 10, being kept in a Philadelphia dungeon so a cabal of really fine people could steal their disability checks and also make them be prostitution whores. Alleged ringleader Linda Weston [who was joined in the scheme by her daughter, among others] found the victims in different ways; one was her niece and another was taken from a street corner near a mental health facility. All of the victims were malnourished and some had been trapped in the basement for as long as 11 years; the two deaths were the result of starvation and bacterial meningitis. Several of the victims, who Memeger said had the mental capacity of an average 10-year-old child, were also forced into prostitution. All told, the scam netted the alleged abductors $212,000 over ten years. How is it that the easiest way to make an illegitimate 20 grand a year is to IMPRISON PEOPLE IN BASEMENTS? Like, have they ever even seen “Breaking Bad”? Maybe they just enjoyed imprisoning people, and the SSI was just icing on the very sick cake? Maybe most of their real income came from selling “Bless This Torture Den” needlepoint on Etsy? Read more on What Can We Learn From This Horrible Story About Mentally Disabled People In Dungeons?…
  very serious people

Washington Post: Work Till You Are Dead Or Iran Will Kill You Anyway

Listen you guys. We know that you were looking forward to retiring at 67, but we just can’t have that because if we do, Iran will get a nuclear weapon and blow us up. This is the ACTUAL ARGUMENT that “Security Analyst” Robert Kagan is making in the Washington Post, so do not laugh (yet) because this is apparently not meant to be funny. It is meant to be a Serious plea for us stupid liberals to be reasonable and compromise with John Boehner in the upcoming “fiscal cliff” negotiations, because if we don’t, Iranians will come kill us and it will be ALL OUR FAULT for refusing to eat cat food and to continue working till we are dead. Read more on Washington Post: Work Till You Are Dead Or Iran Will Kill You Anyway…
  and they will know us by the trail of votes

Texas Declares Living Voters Dead; Will Maybe Not Declare Them Zombies And Shoot Them

Perhaps the single greatest threat to the sanctity of the vote is dead people voting.  We say “perhaps,” because there is an even greater threat: the dead coming back to life and showing up at the polls just because they never actually died to begin with. Thankfully, Texas is on the case! Like all states, Texas regularly purges its rolls of voters who’ve died. Normally, this is a low-key process where the state passes along to the counties a small list of dead voters as they become available. But this massive mailing two months before the election is new. Rich Parsons, a spokesman for the Texas secretary of state, says the state is not targeting anyone but dead voters. […] Parsons says none of this is a problem; voters who’ve been wrongly purged from the rolls can simply show up and vote anyway. Totally fine, right? And what happens to the diligent allegedly living who try to contact the state of Texas to say, “Oh, hey, my heart has not stopped beating yet except for that one time I did a MASSIVE eightball, but that was only for a few seconds and I mainly just lost the ability to do higher-level math”? Read more on Texas Declares Living Voters Dead; Will Maybe Not Declare Them Zombies And Shoot Them…
  real america

Real Americans: It’s Those Other People Taking Government Handouts Who Are The Problem

What are the latte-drinking liberals at NPR up to these days? Oh, just driving around in Real America trying to find out how Real Americans feel about the election. What are Real Americans thinking? What are their concerns? What do they want in a candidate? This is shocking but apparently Real Americans are thinking that America is turning into a “socialistic” paradise and are concerned that too many people are taking “handouts” so they will vote for Romney because he is going to decrease the size of government in vague and nonspecific ways. Also, it should be noted that  the “government programs” in which Real Americans are themselves enrolled are Different from “handouts” and thus not like socialism at all! See, the real problem is that so many Other People are living off the taxes of Real Americans and not working, or alternatively, acting like rational economic actors and discovering that their unemployment benefits pay more than the jobs available to them and are thus disinterested in looking for work. Read more on Real Americans: It’s Those Other People Taking Government Handouts Who Are The Problem…
  fuck tha police

Paul Ryan Arrests All The Olds At His Events, Probably So He Can Eat Them

Hey, remember when all those Tea Partiers got arrested at all the Democrats’ town hall meetings two years ago? Oh, you don’t, because none of them were arrested for, say, disturbing the peace, even though they had purposely coordinated not to make themselves heard but to drown out their Democratic congresspeople? Weird. Well, the longtime Wonkette reader will remember Zooey Deschanel’s twin sister, Paul Ryan, arresting all (non-Tea Party) humans ever, but here is a nice bit of video from a different angle: namely, the angle of this old man being taken to the ground by the po-po. That will teach you to yell about your Medicare, Old Man. Read more on Paul Ryan Arrests All The Olds At His Events, Probably So He Can Eat Them…
  soylent green is old people

Millionaire Former New York Times Typist Pool Manager Bill Keller Calls On Olds To ‘Sacrifice’

Oh GOOD, Bill Keller, a millionaire who used to manage the typists at the New York Times, is here to fix the deficit for us by summarizing a report by the Third Way that itself is based on Congressional Budget Office statistics taken completely out of context. But it’s ok, because the Third Way is a “centrist” organization. (“Centrism,” as we all know, refers not to ideas that are actually in the political center, but rather to ideas that are mostly held by rich white men who talk on the teevee or type in columns about GOP ideas but CALL them centrist, thus confusing “centrism” with ideas that they themselves like and have.) So Bill Keller, centrist, is here to save entitlements by making sure that people entitled to them don’t actually get what they’re entitled to. Read more on Millionaire Former New York Times Typist Pool Manager Bill Keller Calls On Olds To ‘Sacrifice’…
  Screwing Poors and Old People

Utah Republican Jason Chaffetz Has Some Original Ideas On Fixing The Deficit

Representative Jason Chaffetz, a Republican (duh) from Utah, has a lot in common with his fellow Republicans, given that he thinks that fixing the deficit is a very, very important issue, but! not so important that we should be willing to cut defense spending or let the Bush tax cuts expire to get the job done. See, to Representative Jason Chaffetz, the deficit is a very specific level of important that necessitates raising the retirement age to 72, but does NOT require the expiration of the Bush tax cuts. In an op-ed over at The Hill called “Washington Has a Spending Problem, Not a Revenue Problem,” Chaffetz patiently explains that if we’d all just be willing to pitch in and sacrifice a little — you know, retire at 72, privatize Medicare, limit government assistance to Poors, that sort of thing — we can protect the interests of oil companies and rich people AND fix the deficit! Read more on Utah Republican Jason Chaffetz Has Some Original Ideas On Fixing The Deficit…
  daily joe

Handsome Old Joe Biden Yells at Fellow Olds

Boy, somebody got on Old Handsome Joe’s last nerve! He even says he is “angry,” and then yells a bunch! But what brought on this fit of righteousness from the World’s Sexiest Grampa? Watch Joe Biden testify, after the jump! Read more on Handsome Old Joe Biden Yells at Fellow Olds…
  who knew congress could pass a tax cut?

Congress Extends Payroll Tax Cut! Let’s Ruin The Fun With Grating Cynicism

Both the House and Senate voted to extend the payroll tax cut another 10 months today. Democrats will be screaming from the Kenyan mountaintops about this great legislative victory of theirs, this “game-changer”! So let’s go through what an allegedly important Democratic legislative victory looks like in the year 2012. Read more on Congress Extends Payroll Tax Cut! Let’s Ruin The Fun With Grating Cynicism…
  great legislative debates

GOP Says Real Issue With Gay Marriage Is It Costs Too Much

The Senate Judiciary Committee voted 10-8 today to advance a bill to repeal DOMA over Republican objections. Not just the usual “becuz Jesus no likey teh gheyz” objections, but for a novel new terrible reason: gay marriage will ruin Social Security! “No one has paid into the Social Security system expecting benefits to be paid to same sex partners,” argued crabass old John Cornyn. Logic whiz Patrick Leahy was then forced to step in and remind the Republicans that, uh, gay people are actually still human? And have always been paying into Social Security like everyone else. Read more on GOP Says Real Issue With Gay Marriage Is It Costs Too Much…
  flip-floppers

Weird Letters Show Kochs Briefly Drank Libtard Juice In Seventies

As dim Americans continue to stare blankly through the hazy toxic clouds of cable news teevee noise-static and ask, “hennnrrhhggh why are all the Wall Street protester hippies against capitalism and freedom, hrnngghh,” the intrepid reporter-folks over at The Nation meanwhile managed to uncover a series of letters from the 1970s indicating that America’s most noxious billionaire kleptocrat demon space lizards the Koch Brothers briefly abandoned their scheme to dismantle the social safety net for the half-hour or so it took them to write socialist propaganda pamphlet-screeds trying to convince an ill Austrian economist covered under his country’s universal health care program that he wouldn’t die in the United States if he came to work for them, because he was eligible for Medicare.  Read more on Weird Letters Show Kochs Briefly Drank Libtard Juice In Seventies…
  herman cain's chilean model

Will Herman Cain Propose Chilean-Style Student Riots?

Jabbering nincompoop Herman Cain is the new star of the GOP 2012 Campaign, this week — that’s how much Republicans don’t like their front-runner, Mitt Romney. Herman Cain’s policy positions are as ridiculous as they are insane: Something about the Number Nine, Number Nine, and then something about Obama showing up at GOP debates to ask Herman Cain how to hire minimum-wage pizza delivery people, and then the special privatized Social Security scheme supposedly from Chile. Herman Cain’s platform is like searching Google for the word “the” and picking three random results from the ninth page and then adding “Chilean Model,” for pageviewz. BUT, it seems his favorite country has actually exploded with the most intense riots of the moment. Hot commie gals! Riot dogs! Blood and fire! It’s fantastic. Herman Cain probably wants some Chilean-style General Strike riots to demolish Wall Street and then go after the regional fast-food chains, right? Because Chile is the new example for Republican Politics …. Read more on Will Herman Cain Propose Chilean-Style Student Riots?…