social security
John Boehner Really Seriously Considered Obama Budget For Whole Minutes Before Saying The Hell With It
by Doktor Zoom
Now, here’s an unexpected development! Creamsicle-tinted bus-stop ashtray John Boehner has rejected President Obama’s super-kind offer to please take old people’s lunch money and not beat them up any more, please, because it is not enough money from old people and too much money from bejillionaires. Damn you and your divisiveness, Barack Obama! “Despite talk [...]
Let’s All Have A Heart Attack Along With Bill O’Reilly
You probably don’t want to watch this video, above, of Bill O’Reilly LOSING HIS FUCKING SHIT all over Alan Colmes. Your beautiful mind, and etc. But if for some reason you feel your blood pressure is dangerously low, or you want to see what it looks like when a man is confronted with his own [...]
What Can We Learn From This Horrible Story About Mentally Disabled People In Dungeons?
Gawker brings us the second-most horrifying story of the morning — the other one is also from Gawker, about “Cannibal Cop,” so yeah — about mentally disabled people, with average mental ages of 10, being kept in a Philadelphia dungeon so a cabal of really fine people could steal their disability checks and also make [...]
Washington Post: Work Till You Are Dead Or Iran Will Kill You Anyway
Listen you guys. We know that you were looking forward to retiring at 67, but we just can’t have that because if we do, Iran will get a nuclear weapon and blow us up. This is the ACTUAL ARGUMENT that “Security Analyst” Robert Kagan is making in the Washington Post, so do not laugh (yet) [...]
Texas Declares Living Voters Dead; Will Maybe Not Declare Them Zombies And Shoot Them
by Jesse Taylor
Perhaps the single greatest threat to the sanctity of the vote is dead people voting. We say “perhaps,” because there is an even greater threat: the dead coming back to life and showing up at the polls just because they never actually died to begin with. Thankfully, Texas is on the case! Like all states, [...]
Real Americans: It’s Those Other People Taking Government Handouts Who Are The Problem
What are the latte-drinking liberals at NPR up to these days? Oh, just driving around in Real America trying to find out how Real Americans feel about the election. What are Real Americans thinking? What are their concerns? What do they want in a candidate? This is shocking but apparently Real Americans are thinking that [...]
Paul Ryan Arrests All The Olds At His Events, Probably So He Can Eat Them
Hey, remember when all those Tea Partiers got arrested at all the Democrats’ town hall meetings two years ago? Oh, you don’t, because none of them were arrested for, say, disturbing the peace, even though they had purposely coordinated not to make themselves heard but to drown out their Democratic congresspeople? Weird. Well, the longtime [...]
Millionaire Former New York Times Typist Pool Manager Bill Keller Calls On Olds To ‘Sacrifice’
Oh GOOD, Bill Keller, a millionaire who used to manage the typists at the New York Times, is here to fix the deficit for us by summarizing a report by the Third Way that itself is based on Congressional Budget Office statistics taken completely out of context. But it’s ok, because the Third Way is [...]
Utah Republican Jason Chaffetz Has Some Original Ideas On Fixing The Deficit
Representative Jason Chaffetz, a Republican (duh) from Utah, has a lot in common with his fellow Republicans, given that he thinks that fixing the deficit is a very, very important issue, but! not so important that we should be willing to cut defense spending or let the Bush tax cuts expire to get the job [...]
Boy, somebody got on Old Handsome Joe’s last nerve! He even says he is “angry,” and then yells a bunch! But what brought on this fit of righteousness from the World’s Sexiest Grampa? Watch Joe Biden testify, after the jump!
Congress Extends Payroll Tax Cut! Let’s Ruin The Fun With Grating Cynicism
by Jim Newell
Both the House and Senate voted to extend the payroll tax cut another 10 months today. Democrats will be screaming from the Kenyan mountaintops about this great legislative victory of theirs, this “game-changer”! So let’s go through what an allegedly important Democratic legislative victory looks like in the year 2012.
GOP Says Real Issue With Gay Marriage Is It Costs Too Much
The Senate Judiciary Committee voted 10-8 today to advance a bill to repeal DOMA over Republican objections. Not just the usual “becuz Jesus no likey teh gheyz” objections, but for a novel new terrible reason: gay marriage will ruin Social Security! “No one has paid into the Social Security system expecting benefits to be paid [...]
Weird Letters Show Kochs Briefly Drank Libtard Juice In Seventies
As dim Americans continue to stare blankly through the hazy toxic clouds of cable news teevee noise-static and ask, “hennnrrhhggh why are all the Wall Street protester hippies against capitalism and freedom, hrnngghh,” the intrepid reporter-folks over at The Nation meanwhile managed to uncover a series of letters from the 1970s indicating that America’s most noxious [...]
Will Herman Cain Propose Chilean-Style Student Riots?
by Ken Layne
Jabbering nincompoop Herman Cain is the new star of the GOP 2012 Campaign, this week — that’s how much Republicans don’t like their front-runner, Mitt Romney. Herman Cain’s policy positions are as ridiculous as they are insane: Something about the Number Nine, Number Nine, and then something about Obama showing up at GOP debates to [...]
Rick Santorum Proposes Olds Die Off Sooner To Save Social Security
Who is the biggest threat to the Social Security benefits system alive today? Rick Santorum, he knows what’s what, he’ll tell you. He held a policy meeting with his secret “panel of advisers” (the rows of fetus jars stacked in his basement) and he’s got this brain buster to share: “We can’t afford the benefit [...]
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