Tag: soccer

S-M-R-T.

How Many Fox News Anchors Does It Take To Give Donald Trump A Rimjob?

The answer is A LOT. Which makes sense, because Donald Trump's butthole isn't weak like the other candidates' buttholes, and it's definitely not a captured POW loser like John McCain's butthole. Trump had a big weekend, and he probably put...
Gaying each other.

Champion USA-America Soccer Lady Wins Match, Gets Lesbianism All Over TV Screen, USA!

Did everyone tune in to the Women's World Cup Finals Sunday evening? If you are a lesbian, you did, because that was a thing that all living lesbians were required by law to do. It was so exciting! Our...
Is nothing sacred?

Houston Astros Hacked, Maybe Should Change Password To Something Better Than ‘LOLSPORTS’

In the Very Serious Business of grown men playing games, for money, here is another shocking tale of corruption in sports. This time, it's our nation's favorite pastime, as wholesome and pure and all-American as mom's apple pie or getting...
Art swiped shamelessly from the incomparable Bill Griffith. OK, with some shame.

Head Foot-The-Ball Guy Resigns In Huge FIFA Scandal We All Care About Very Much

Wow, have you been following the incredibly fascinating FIFA scandal as closely as we have? As sports-related fuck-tussles go, it's like the Chicago Black Sox times DeflateGate plus BENGHAZI! It's all about corruption and bribery in the governing body...

Your American Horoscope For America And Other American Stuff At You Too

Today is Freedom Eve, so naturally we are celebrating over at Happy Nice Time People! Between the apple pie, the guns, and the glory, we don't know what to do with ourselves! But don't worry, we've got your horoscopes...

We Explain How To Not Kill Yourself On Your Birthday Watching Rick Santorum’s Hobby Lobby Movie

Happy Nice Time People is many things -- fun, funny, dark, weird, fascinating, light, sassy, fluffy -- but most of all it is not afraid to be servicey. Thus, we sometimes delve into the world of mental health, as...

Fox ‘Psychiatrist’ Keith Ablow Worries Most Popular Sporting Event On Planet Was Timed To Help Obama

Did you have a super fun time watching the USA SportingsBall team lose but not lose forever to Germany today? Well, shame on you for thinking about something other than Benghazi, you pitiful dupe! The worst psychiatrist anywhere, D....

Why Today’s U.S. Vs Germany Soccer Match Is Hitler’s (And Ann Coulter’s!) Worst Nightmare

Today's match is Hitler's nightmare scenario: a US team with a German national hero as a coach plus a bunch of international players with dual citizenship, including five guys with German moms and African-American service member dads. It is...

KFC Gives $30K Apology To Little Girl In Today’s Happy Links!

Whew! What a day it's been! We've got singing mayors, sorry restaurants, and sexy boobs! Get into the magic, the beauty, the mayhem and the luscious madness of today's Happy Nice Time People goodness. It's piping hot, and at...

National Review Man Maybe Tries To Make A Funny About Soccer, Hurts Self In Process

You know the biggest problem with conservatives and humor? Did you answer "because they're such bullies and boors you can never figure out if they're being serious or not"? You are exactly right! Congratulations to you! As a perfect...

Figures. Obama, In Waffle Land, Calls Soccer ‘Football.’ INPEACH!

From the Washington Free Beacon comes this shocking revelation: President Obama referred to the sport of soccer as “football” during a press conference in Brussels on Thursday, raising questions about his commitment to America. For a publication usually devoted to...

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Ross Douthat Hits A New Low Even For Him Edition

This week's Times leads, like pretty much every other news source in America, with the release of American prisoner of war Bowe Bergdahl, imprisoned by Afghan insurgents for five years. Rather than be happy that our sole POW got...

Queen of Italy Michelle Obama Will Receive Free Olive Oil Forever

So we all know by now that our First Lady Michelle Obama hates Oprah and taunted her with pie, or whatever, who cares. Our FLOTUS really has no time for ridiculous accusations, because in case you haven't noticed,...

New Dirt Field At Gitmo Is A Lil’ Too Fancy For Fox News’ Taste

Fox News is furious about the conditions at Guantanamo Bay, where hundreds of foreigns are held without charges in an extralegal offshore prison forever. Can you, the taxpayer, even believe how good they have it? It turns out that...

Evil Soccer Organization Chooses Evil Russia and Qatar Over America

The United States' big dreams of hosting the 2022 World Cup were shattered by one of the planet's smallest nations. In a historic vote Thursday in Zurich, FIFA awarded the hosting rights to Qatar, a Middle Eastern country smaller than...

Rest In Peace, Paul the German Octopus

Oh, this is a sad day for psychic sea creatures: Paul the Octopus, who accurately predicted the result of every German soccer match as well as the final in this year’s World Cup in South Africa, has died. The mollusk-turned-sage passed...