soccer
Queen of Italy Michelle Obama Will Receive Free Olive Oil Forever
So we all know by now that our First Lady Michelle Obama hates Oprah and taunted her with pie, or whatever, who cares. Our FLOTUS really has no time for ridiculous accusations, because in case you haven’t noticed, we have an obesity crisis on our hands. Michelle Obama is hard at work trying to stop [...]
New Dirt Field At Gitmo Is A Lil’ Too Fancy For Fox News’ Taste
Fox News is furious about the conditions at Guantanamo Bay, where hundreds of foreigns are held without charges in an extralegal offshore prison forever. Can you, the taxpayer, even believe how good they have it? It turns out that Uncle Sam is spending your hard-earned Ameros to build a “$750,000 soccer field” for these effete [...]
Evil Soccer Organization Chooses Evil Russia and Qatar Over America
The United States’ big dreams of hosting the 2022 World Cup were shattered by one of the planet’s smallest nations. In a historic vote Thursday in Zurich, FIFA awarded the hosting rights to Qatar, a Middle Eastern country smaller than Connecticut that wowed the sport’s international governing body with innovative stadium plans, massive financial resources [...]
Rest In Peace, Paul the German Octopus
Oh, this is a sad day for psychic sea creatures: Paul the Octopus, who accurately predicted the result of every German soccer match as well as the final in this year’s World Cup in South Africa, has died. The mollusk-turned-sage passed away naturally in his aquarium in the western German city of Oberhausen overnight, Sealife [...]
Soccer Will Go On (As Will Drinking) Despite a U.S.-Less World Cup
For a while there, we all thought the U.S. soccer team just might make it out of the round of 16 and into the quarterfinals … ha ha, no. But now we have all these Americans who suddenly love their country, who spent all day Saturday glued to the teevee watching this Euro-Latinno sport of [...]
Trying To Decipher Meg Whitman’s Messican Advertisement
WHAT? Speak American! Meg Whitman has decided to court the Messicans in her race for California governor, and here is her first ad. It airs today during a soccer match, so apparently she’s trying to get the gay vote too. What is being said? WE DON’T KNOW, WE’RE AMERICAN. So here’s an attempt to figure [...]
A Children’s Treasury Of Fox News Readers’ World Cup Imagery
One of the greatest ideas the Web honchos for Fox News ever had was to basically rip off the classic Fark PhotoShop contest and just have their mouth-breathing readership create terribly hacked together visual insanity about whatever vaguely newsworthy topic they can think of, under the punny label “Photo Op-inion.” Today’s topic was “World Cup [...]
It’s Called The ‘World Cup,’ Not The ‘USA Cup,’ Traitor
Today is the beginning of the quadrennial World Cup soccer-football championship, hooray! Combining the best of sports and vicious nationalism, the World Cup is the one tournament that prompts even a tiny sliver of Americans to pretend to care about this sport. Naturally, this tepid amount of interest is a sinister plot cooked up by [...]
Football In June?! There Is a God!
The World Cup starts tomorrow, Huzzah! The World Cup is some sort of larger meditation on poverty or east/west relations or diplomacy and/or women’s rights, or maybe it’s just an exotic sport some people play involving the kicking of a ball into a net. Whatever it is, it’s here and we could tell you where [...]
Florida Senator Wants Obama And Biden Running Entire Clean-up Effort, Instead Of Going To Africa
Seat-warming Florida Sen. George Lemieux, a frenchy, is FURIOUS at Barack Obama for not getting in a wetsuit and using his magical powers to plug the oil hole with rainbows. “I wanna see my president not in a suit in Washington D.C. I wanna see him down on the Gulf Coast, not just for a [...]
Local Baseball & Soccer Teams Win Games, Sometimes
Greetings, sports fans. Here’s your update about sports teams in the great District of Columbia. Even though the Caps suffered a crushing defeat and everyone was sad, all is not lost on the DC sports front. The District still has two other mediocre sports teams you can watch all summer long: The Washington Nationals, our [...]
Revenge Of The Wrath Of The Return Of The Foreigns
By the Comics CurmudgeonHappy Friday, liberal weenies! Or should I say “suicidally depressing Friday,” because all of you are almost certainly suicidally depressed, what with the naked Republican Ted Kennedies and the coming corporate control of all elections and the bankruptcy of your precious liberal radio station! Anyway, like your liberal weenie foreparents, you will [...]
The Official Neocon Stance On ‘Soccer,’ The Children’s Game
So you hate America? Then you must love soccer! Soccer, or “foot-ball” in Latin, is a game Americans force their children to play (badly) for a few years before they graduate to “real sports,” such as driving to Checkers in Ford F-350s while drinking a Big Gulp of chocolate sauce. Still, not that many people [...]
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