Tag Archives: soccer

  Happy Nice 4th Of July

Your American Horoscope For America And Other American Stuff At You Too

Today is Freedom Eve, so naturally we are celebrating over at Happy Nice Time People! Between the apple pie, the guns, and the glory, we don’t know what to do with ourselves! But don’t worry, we’ve got your horoscopes and your Bobby Womack and your (NBD) RACHEL MADDOW LOVING WONKETTE and so much more. Read more on Your American Horoscope For America And Other American Stuff At You Too…
  Happiness Is A Warm Blog

We Explain How To Not Kill Yourself On Your Birthday Watching Rick Santorum’s Hobby Lobby Movie

Happy Nice Time People is many things — fun, funny, dark, weird, fascinating, light, sassy, fluffy — but most of all it is not afraid to be servicey. Thus, we sometimes delve into the world of mental health, as we did today. And also we talked about the United States exiting The Foreignball Cup, and stuff. Read on and enjoy! Read more on We Explain How To Not Kill Yourself On Your Birthday Watching Rick Santorum’s Hobby Lobby Movie…
  two goals one cup

Fox ‘Psychiatrist’ Keith Ablow Worries Most Popular Sporting Event On Planet Was Timed To Help Obama

Did you have a super fun time watching the USA SportingsBall team lose but not lose forever to Germany today? Well, shame on you for thinking about something other than Benghazi, you pitiful dupe! The worst psychiatrist anywhere, D. Keith Ablow, said today on Fox’s OutNumbered that he’s “a little suspicious about all this “World Cup” hoopla, because the timing is awfully convenient for one Barack Hussein Obama: At a time when there’s so many national issues and international issues of such prominence, I am a little suspicious of yet another bread and circus routine. Let’s roll out the marijuana, pull back the laws and get people more crazy about yet another entertainment event. This is to distract people. This is like Rome. I can see why Obama would love the World Cup. Read more on Fox ‘Psychiatrist’ Keith Ablow Worries Most Popular Sporting Event On Planet Was Timed To Help Obama…
  you know who else? (ann coulter)

Why Today’s U.S. Vs Germany Soccer Match Is Hitler’s (And Ann Coulter’s!) Worst Nightmare

Today’s match is Hitler’s nightmare scenario: a US team with a German national hero as a coach plus a bunch of international players with dual citizenship, including five guys with German moms and African-American service member dads. It is also master troll Ann Coulter’s nightmare scenario because she hates soccer, and immigrants, and fun. They are both so sad today, probably, in Hell/wherever Ann Coulter lives. Read more on Why Today’s U.S. Vs Germany Soccer Match Is Hitler’s (And Ann Coulter’s!) Worst Nightmare…
  all of my love to you child

KFC Gives $30K Apology To Little Girl In Today’s Happy Links!

Whew! What a day it’s been! We’ve got singing mayors, sorry restaurants, and sexy boobs! Get into the magic, the beauty, the mayhem and the luscious madness of today’s Happy Nice Time People goodness. It’s piping hot, and at the end you get boobs! Read more on KFC Gives $30K Apology To Little Girl In Today’s Happy Links!…
  humor how does it work?

National Review Man Maybe Tries To Make A Funny About Soccer, Hurts Self In Process

You know the biggest problem with conservatives and humor? Did you answer “because they’re such bullies and boors you can never figure out if they’re being serious or not”? You are exactly right! Congratulations to you! As a perfect example of our inability to distinguish between whether one of their ilk is engaging in actual criticism or attempted funny-making, we give you one Tim Cavanaugh, who went all maximum bloviate about soccer over at National Review. Tim does not like soccer, because it is full of terrorists, or it makes people terrorists, or maybe both. We couldn’t quite follow because we were still too busy trying to figure out if we should be laughing at it because it is funny, or laughing at it because it sucks. Haha of course it is the latter. Read more on National Review Man Maybe Tries To Make A Funny About Soccer, Hurts Self In Process…
  our once proud nation weeps

Figures. Obama, In Waffle Land, Calls Soccer ‘Football.’ INPEACH!

From the Washington Free Beacon comes this shocking revelation: President Obama referred to the sport of soccer as “football” during a press conference in Brussels on Thursday, raising questions about his commitment to America. For a publication usually devoted to general wingnuttery, Andrew Stiles’s piece is actually a pretty good parody of wingnuttery, and for this, credit must be given. Bravo, Mr. Stiles. Read more on Figures. Obama, In Waffle Land, Calls Soccer ‘Football.’ INPEACH!…
  Our Anger Hits New Highs Though

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Ross Douthat Hits A New Low Even For Him Edition

This week’s Times leads, like pretty much every other news source in America, with the release of American prisoner of war Bowe Bergdahl, imprisoned by Afghan insurgents for five years. Rather than be happy that our sole POW got to return to American soil, the GOP took this as an opportunity to whine about Obama. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Ross Douthat Hits A New Low Even For Him Edition…
  flotus files

Queen of Italy Michelle Obama Will Receive Free Olive Oil Forever

So we all know by now that our First Lady Michelle Obama hates Oprah and taunted her with pie, or whatever, who cares. Our FLOTUS really has no time for ridiculous accusations, because in case you haven’t noticed, we have an obesity crisis on our hands. Michelle Obama is hard at work trying to stop this disgusting epidemic, and this week, invited another group of children to the White House, this time to talk about America’s least favorite sport: soccer! That underwear model David Beckham was there, as well as his team, whatever it’s called. Well, the Europeans must have really liked this soccer nonsense, because today, a province in southern Italy decided to dedicate a tree to our FLOTUS. Of course, in our country we prefer to name stadiums and highways after our most treasured icons, but they don’t have those things in Europe. It’s just Vespas and cigarettes, as far as the eye can see. Read more on Queen of Italy Michelle Obama Will Receive Free Olive Oil Forever…
  grrr exercise

New Dirt Field At Gitmo Is A Lil’ Too Fancy For Fox News’ Taste

Fox News is furious about the conditions at Guantanamo Bay, where hundreds of foreigns are held without charges in an extralegal offshore prison forever. Can you, the taxpayer, even believe how good they have it? It turns out that Uncle Sam is spending your hard-earned Ameros to build a “$750,000 soccer field” for these effete terrorists, right down there in their precious gilded fake Cuban palace-prison complex. Read more on New Dirt Field At Gitmo Is A Lil’ Too Fancy For Fox News’ Taste…
  another affront to christmas

Evil Soccer Organization Chooses Evil Russia and Qatar Over America

The United States’ big dreams of hosting the 2022 World Cup were shattered by one of the planet’s smallest nations. In a historic vote Thursday in Zurich, FIFA awarded the hosting rights to Qatar, a Middle Eastern country smaller than Connecticut that wowed the sport’s international governing body with innovative stadium plans, massive financial resources and the promise of promoting harmony in a region that has never staged the World Cup. Read more on Evil Soccer Organization Chooses Evil Russia and Qatar Over America…
  fly the octopus flag at half-mast

Rest In Peace, Paul the German Octopus

Oh, this is a sad day for psychic sea creatures: Paul the Octopus, who accurately predicted the result of every German soccer match as well as the final in this year’s World Cup in South Africa, has died. Read more on Rest In Peace, Paul the German Octopus…
  foosball fever

Soccer Will Go On (As Will Drinking) Despite a U.S.-Less World Cup

For a while there, we all thought the U.S. soccer team just might make it out of the round of 16 and into the quarterfinals … ha ha, no. But now we have all these Americans who suddenly love their country, who spent all day Saturday glued to the teevee watching this Euro-Latinno sport of choice, wondering whether it’s okay for America to lose something other than a war. So what happens now? Read more on Soccer Will Go On (As Will Drinking) Despite a U.S.-Less World Cup…
  meg whitman loves hispanic things you guys

Trying To Decipher Meg Whitman’s Messican Advertisement

WHAT? Speak American! Meg Whitman has decided to court the Messicans in her race for California governor, and here is her first ad. It airs today during a soccer match, so apparently she’s trying to get the gay vote too. What is being said? WE DON’T KNOW, WE’RE AMERICAN. So here’s an attempt to figure out what’s being said by what’s going on in the video. Read more on Trying To Decipher Meg Whitman’s Messican Advertisement…
  outlaw photoshop forever

A Children’s Treasury Of Fox News Readers’ World Cup Imagery

One of the greatest ideas the Web honchos for Fox News ever had was to basically rip off the classic Fark PhotoShop contest and just have their mouth-breathing readership create terribly hacked together visual insanity about whatever vaguely newsworthy topic they can think of, under the punny label “Photo Op-inion.” Today’s topic was “World Cup Dream Teams,” and since you all seem to have so many opinions about the intersection between soccer and conservatives, we though we’d share some of them with you. Like that peace symbol business to the right! Is that supposed to be pro- or anti-World Cup? You know how Fox News readers feel about hippie peaceniks! More horror, after the jump. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Fox News Readers’ World Cup Imagery…
  it's morning in america

It’s Called The ‘World Cup,’ Not The ‘USA Cup,’ Traitor

Today is the beginning of the quadrennial World Cup soccer-football championship, hooray! Combining the best of sports and vicious nationalism, the World Cup is the one tournament that prompts even a tiny sliver of Americans to pretend to care about this sport. Naturally, this tepid amount of interest is a sinister plot cooked up by the liberal media to destroy our country. Read more on It’s Called The ‘World Cup,’ Not The ‘USA Cup,’ Traitor… Read more on It’s Called The ‘World Cup,’ Not The ‘USA Cup,’ Traitor…
  foosball etiquette

Football In June?! There Is a God!

The World Cup starts tomorrow, Huzzah! The World Cup is some sort of larger meditation on poverty or east/west relations or diplomacy and/or women’s rights, or maybe it’s just an exotic sport some people play involving the kicking of a ball into a net. Whatever it is, it’s here and we could tell you where to watch it, but that’s not nearly as much fun as listing the Do’s and Don’ts of World Cup viewing. Read more on Football In June?! There Is a God!…
  one man's opinion

Florida Senator Wants Obama And Biden Running Entire Clean-up Effort, Instead Of Going To Africa

Seat-warming Florida Sen. George Lemieux, a frenchy, is FURIOUS at Barack Obama for not getting in a wetsuit and using his magical powers to plug the oil hole with rainbows. “I wanna see my president not in a suit in Washington D.C. I wanna see him down on the Gulf Coast, not just for a day of photo shoot, but on the job, leading the effort.” It is his job, after all! “When he’s not there, I want Joe Biden.” Ha ha is that really what you want? “I don’t want him in Africa going to a soccer game.” That’s the perfect place for Joe Biden! Wait. Who the hell is George Lemieux, again? [TPM] Read more on Florida Senator Wants Obama And Biden Running Entire Clean-up Effort, Instead Of Going To Africa…
  the sporting life

Local Baseball & Soccer Teams Win Games, Sometimes

Greetings, sports fans. Here’s your update about sports teams in the great District of Columbia. Even though the Caps suffered a crushing defeat and everyone was sad, all is not lost on the DC sports front. The District still has two other mediocre sports teams you can watch all summer long: The Washington Nationals, our belovedly bad baseball team that, as of press time, is above .500 (we know!) and DC United, our soccer team, which sometimes manages to get the ball into other team’s net. Read more on Local Baseball & Soccer Teams Win Games, Sometimes…
  sacks of pulitzers

Obama Betrays America’s First Amendment Free Press For ‘Soccer Game’

So now Barack Obama thinks he can just lose the White House press corps whenever he feels like it, because he “needs his space” or “wants some uninterrupted family time” or whatever. This guy is not a patriotic real American, with his hatred of our nation’s most cherished traditions and his unseemly love for the Mexican sport called “soccer.” Read more on Obama Betrays America’s First Amendment Free Press For ‘Soccer Game’…
  cartoon violence

Revenge Of The Wrath Of The Return Of The Foreigns

By the Comics CurmudgeonHappy Friday, liberal weenies! Or should I say “suicidally depressing Friday,” because all of you are almost certainly suicidally depressed, what with the naked Republican Ted Kennedies and the coming corporate control of all elections and the bankruptcy of your precious liberal radio station! Anyway, like your liberal weenie foreparents, you will respond to this setback as you have with all others: by sulkily claiming that you’re going to move to some more enlightened Foreign country. But of course, you’ll never actually do this, because it would be hard, and involve improving on those two years of Spanish you took in high school, but in case you ever get the urge to really, really make the plunge and become an ex-pat, you might want to check on the quality of the Foreigns’ political cartoons. They aren’t good! Do you really want to be looking at these in your newspaper every day? Read more on Revenge Of The Wrath Of The Return Of The Foreigns…
  for your records

The Official Neocon Stance On ‘Soccer,’ The Children’s Game

So you hate America? Then you must love soccer! Soccer, or “foot-ball” in Latin, is a game Americans force their children to play (badly) for a few years before they graduate to “real sports,” such as driving to Checkers in Ford F-350s while drinking a Big Gulp of chocolate sauce. Still, not that many people noticed the other day when the “meh” United States men’s soccer team defeated #1-in-the-world, 35-games-unbeaten Spain, 2-0, in a fake tournament in South Africa, where every attendee in every stadium blows annoying as hell Tribal Horns for every second of every game, THEY REALLY NEED TO STOP THAT, anyway: Gary Schmitt, a conservative hero at the American Enterprise Institute, wrote a reaction to the upset and ended with his explanation for why Americans don’t get into soccer like the rest of the world does: because the rest of the word hates fairness and freedom and Justice, which play no role in this evil, fraudulent sport. Read more on The Official Neocon Stance On ‘Soccer,’ The Children’s Game…