So you hate America? Then you must love soccer! Soccer, or “foot-ball” in Latin, is a game Americans force their children to play (badly) for a few years before they graduate to “real sports,” such as driving to Checkers in Ford F-350s while drinking a Big Gulp of chocolate sauce. Still, not that many people noticed the other day when the “meh” United States men’s soccer team defeated #1-in-the-world, 35-games-unbeaten Spain, 2-0, in a fake tournament in South Africa, where every attendee in every stadium blows annoying as hell Tribal Horns for every second of every game, THEY REALLY NEED TO STOP THAT, anyway: Gary Schmitt, a conservative hero at the American Enterprise Institute, wrote a reaction to the upset and ended with his explanation for why Americans don’t get into soccer like the rest of the world does: because the rest of the word hates fairness and freedom and Justice, which play no role in this evil, fraudulent sport. MORE »

Evil insurance cashburner AIG loves to take $150 billion (so far!) of your money to pay off its toxic debts, such as executive pay packages, luxurious corporate junkets and, now, sports team jerseys! MORE »

You might not want to watch this if you want to keep believing Barack Obama is a “cool dood,” because he wears his shirt tucked in AND he keeps his phone in a dumb little belt-clip. He is basically that earnest dork in your sales department who buys Costco rice pudding by the case and saw Happy Feet on its opening weekend, with his wife, on a date. [AP via Slate]

Washington people just never quit working. Bill Kristol rises early to have breakfast with congressmen, Michael Chertoff spends Friday nights securing the homeland’s movie theaters, and Valerie Plame reads political non-fiction on street corners cause she can’t get enough. And kindly father Alito (at right — ain’t he loveable?) spends his weekends carting his daughter’s luggage all over 37th street. This plus philandering soccer players, jaywalking TV gangsters, and mustachioed wrestlers, after the jump!

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• Ever wonder what passive-aggressive uptight agriculture administrators do when they boil over? Now you know.

• Katherine Harris’s senate campaign reminds us of a kitchy 60’s feminist empowerment fantasy but we’re not sure which one. Oh well, there’s not many better ways to spend a weekend then smoking a joint and watching them all.
• When times are desperate, and you just have to meet Tim Russert, you might want to try showing up on Nebraska Ave. Sunday morning - you know what time - with a nice floral arrangement and a card addressed to, “the most interesting and important man on television.” We’re not sayin’, we’re just sayin’.
• As the Vanity Fair cover fades from memory, Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame decide it’s time to get theirs, hold press conference to let us know. Dick Cheney is shaking in his Allen Edmonds.
• Thanks to Arlen Specter using his “serious face” in negotiations with the White House, a secret court is now allowed to put it’s quarter in the slot and get a 30 second peek at the steamy domestic spying program.
• Is this heaven Osama? No. It’s Indiana, the place where terrorists’ dreams come true.
• We love going Bananas for the semi-monthly “Castro’s dead” rumors.
• The National Press Club makes an honest reporter out of the new and improved Jeff Gannon.
• Wonk’d, Washington’s celebrity sighting column of record, is entered as “Exhibit-W” in the trial for infamous Duke “laxer” Collin Finnerty.

The staffer who took the above shot reports: MORE »

* Don’t fret, we wouldn’t let an idle summer week pass without a shallow poll. Thus, we proudly present: The Hill Intern Hotties competition. Since everyone already knows how this works, we’ll just let you speed along - boys’ poll here and girls’ poll here. In case you’re one of those “readers,” we’ve also got written testimonials for all the pretty girls and all the strong men. MORE »

[10:05] AnonymousHillStaffer: USA USA USA
[10:05] wonkette: YES
[10:06] wonkette: FUCK GHANA
[10:06] AnonymousHillStaffer: haha they just showed people in times square watching on the big screen
[10:06] AnonymousHillStaffer: there were like 20 people watching
[10:06] wonkette: ha
[10:06] AnonymousHillStaffer: because NOBODY CARES
[10:07] AnonymousHillStaffer: im watching on univision though so it seems a lot more important
[10:07] wonkette: of course
[10:07] wonkette: i wish i got the Ghanian networks
[10:08] wonkette: they’ll be burnin’ some flags tonight
[10:08] AnonymousHillStaffer: the coverage would be things like “death to america”
[10:08] AnonymousHillStaffer: or “courageous ghanans bring death to america–in soccer”
[10:08] AnonymousHillStaffer: haha
[10:08] AnonymousHillStaffer: i love when other countries burn our flags MORE »

Photo by Liz Gorman, tux by Gymboree. MORE »

If ethics reform should rest upon greater disclosure and transparency, then let’s follow the “Nigerian soccer” approach: MORE »

* Over in the Netherlands, someone thought it would be a good idea to have a soccer game pitting the gays against the Muslims. [The Fagat Guide] MORE »