snow
Unemployment Drops Below 9%; So, Feel Even Worse If You Still Don’t Have a Job
Job growth soared ahead and the unemployment rate fell in February, as the economy gained momentum and people who had been stuck at home because of January snow returned to work. Fucking snow taking all our jobs. GO BACK TO CANADA, ILLEGAL. WE DON’T WANT YOU HERE. Employers added 192,000 jobs in February, the Labor [...]
‘Cold Air Mass From Canada’ Attacks America, Never Forget
A devious “cold air mass” from Canada floated across our unprotected border and then proceeded to drop giant snow-dumps all over our great nation yesterday, forcing most Americans to abandon their SUVs on the highway and hike to the nearest toll station, so that they could eat the tollbooth lady for nourishment. First “Bieber fever,” [...]
The Light Snow That Absolutely Decimated D.C.: A War Album
It snowed! Water! It fell from the sky and stuck to the ground! 500 million or so fewer inches of snow fell yesterday than fell during the Snowpocalypse, when D.C. was really knocked back to the stone ages; but the city was rendered helpless anyway, because that’s what always happens in your Nation’s Capital!
Arianna Huffington Nearly Blows Up Plane With Rude BlackBerry Use
After a long night of partying in Las Vegas with the CEO of Twitter (what?), Arianna Huffington boarded a plane to New York and then immediately began to play Angry Birds on her BlackBerry, which is not only rude but also against the law. (Arianna eventually turned off her dumb phone when asked nicely by [...]
Reptile People From the Future Will Eventually Read Sarah Palin’s E-Mails
For reasons which are all too clear, The Wretched State of Alaska has delayed the release of Sarah Palin’s governor e-mails fourteen times, and two more delays are pending! Why won’t Alaska’s bureaucrats let us read the gchat exchanges between Sarah Palin and the Bloomingdale’s panties that she purchased with Michael Steele’s American Express card? [...]
The Snow Took Too Much From Us, We Must Eat Out To Be Whole Again
Restaurants are all annoyed because no one ate out during the Snowpocalypse. But they don’t want you to think it’s just about the money. Oh, please! You see, while you were home throwing snowballs at armed civilians (cops?), making vats of chili and working hard from your couch, you were not at restaurants, the only [...]
Snowpocalypse Now
By the Comics CurmudgeonOH GOD YOU GUYS HAVE YOU LOOKED OUTSIDE LATELY! There is, like, so much snow! Frozen water! Falling out of the sky! And accumulating, on the ground! YOU GUYS! And yet there’s supposed to be this whole “global warming” thing, which was going to turn the entire planet into a palm-tree-lousy paradise? [...]
It’s Like Attention-Starved Iran Doesn’t Even Understand At ALL How Much It Snowed Here
Germany and France will help out Greece so it does not have to default on its debt, which it is apparently on the verge of doing (?). [New York Times] According to the impartial observer Iran, Iran has successfully enriched uranium. [Washington Post] It is also the anniversary of Iran’s 1979 revolution, and there just [...]
Bo Obama Is Just Cold Humping the Snow
While you were being gnawed to death by Ice Rats, the White House socialist Bo Obama Kennedy was just fooling around in the snow. Next week he’ll be on the cover of The Sports Illustrated with his snowy ass in the air as if he just did not care. Also, things he found under the [...]
Snowstorm, Devil-Umbrella Murder Major Garrett
Fox News’ failure of a URL-shortener, Major Garrett, died in the snow today, maybe. [Guardian]
KATHLEEN PARKER’S NEIGHBOR WILL SHOVEL YOUR SNOW: Don’t worry! The latest snowfall did not disrupt Kathleen Parker’s scheduled Washington Post column today. PHEW. It is about how men, like her USA Today columnist neighbor, enjoy shoveling snow for fun, while women only shovel snow because they have to. Similarly: men have penises, while ladies just [...]
Whatever Washington D.C. Is Doing To Displease The Clouds So, Just Stop
Today Iran began enriching its uranium for what are definitely nuclear-type purposes. [New York Times] Joe Jackson, the alive father of the dead pop star Michael Jackson, believes his son was killed in a conspiracy, which is a thing that commonly happens. [CNN] Childhood obesity is Michelle Obama’s new thing, as obese children are the [...]
Wonkette Eaten By Snow Monsters, So Here Is Some Pretty Snowpocalypse Video
Wonkette comrade Matt Welch tried to get across Logan Circle so he could buy, uh, dishwasher detergent at Whole Foods. Super snowy out there! Never forget! [YouTube]
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