Wonkette

Did you have some sort of plans Tuesday night? Were you crushed by the Terrorist Ice Strom? Well here’s some of what your Wonkette cooked up for you during our nation’s only Maryland-Virginia-DC primary: MORE »

According to Shepard Smith, terrible ice-traffic problems exclusively targeted John McCain voters in Maryland on Tuesday night. Never has such horror been visited upon America since September 11, 2001. Thank god Shep was there to talk us through it all. [FOX News]

Apparently the weather hates freedom, because it is a bitch to get to the polls today. Snow, fog, thunderstorms…let’s see, can we get a plague of locusts somewheres? Rain of frogs, pustules of some sort? Oh looky there was a “rash” of traffic accidents in northern Wisconsin. With just a dab of “wintry mix” on his side, George Bush can be president forever! [AP/Google]

It is almost time, fellow citizens and concerned foreigners. In just a few hours, the very first results will be in from the very first attempt at actual voting in this long, terrible 2008 election season. Jim Newell and Liz Glover will continue freezing and taking Polaroids and avoiding the angry Paulian mobs. Here at Wonkette World Headquarters in the Second Life WTC, our team of analysts will be typing very quickly and just sort of guessing stuff, just like Chris Matthews, but you don’t have to look at our big pink heads. Go stock up at Ye Olde Liquor Marte and we’ll see you back at the computer at 8 p.m. sharp. (They end the voting at 8 p.m., is that right?)

PANIC! SNOW ON THE WAY! MORE »

MORE »

* “DC law requires residents to remove snow from sidewalks and steps within eight hours of daylight after the snow stops. Avoid overexertion when shoveling snow. Overexertion can bring on a heart attack–a major cause of death during the winter.” [DCist]
* “Valentine’s Day is a Christian corruption of a pagan festival involving werewolves, blood and fucking.” [Ross Notes]
* Closing prices from January home sales in Petworth. [Petworth News]
* “GWU IS A TERRIBLE UNIVESITY! Do you know how I know? Because I went there, and I just misspelled UNIVERSITY” [Pop Pop Bang]
* Careful with the mouseovers or you will get nauseated. [Near Southeast Washington DC Redevelopment/Revitalization]

Washington DC, the most powerful city in the world, was paralyzed last night by a deadly “wintry mix” of frozen water and slightly less frozen water. Upwards of two inches of the mysterious powder descended upon the city like white death, leaving buses running on emergency schedules, trains aflame, and major roads beset with vigilantes on tricked-out motorcycles. MORE »

* After she delights and amuses Judge Walton, Andrea Mitchell will (probably) drag her ass to the Smithsonian for a book promotion/interview with Gwen Ifill. $25 at 8PM. [Smithsonian]
* Learn ballroom dancing in the “Corcoran’s famed interior.” Includes the Fox Trot, the Cha-Cha and the Tango. For you hand-sweaters, free champagne. Cocktail attire is encouraged. $45 solo, $75 for a couple at 7PM. Do it for the Tuckster, “I’m 37. I’ve got four kids. I have a steady job. I don’t do things that I’m not good at very often. I’m psyched to get to do that.” [Corcoran]
* Apples in Stereo, Casper & The Cookies at the Black Cat. $15 at 8PM. [Black Cat]
* Stellastarr and Soft Complex at the Rock & Roll Hotel. $14 at 8PM. [R&R]
* Or just stay in and lock your door and for godssake STAY OFF THE ROADS — there’s SNOW!

Panic! There’s SNOW outside! As the federal government struggles to cope with this strange, cold, slippery water-like substance that’s coated every exposed surface of the city, employees everywhere are being sent home early — so no one’s reading us! MORE »

* Try as hard as you can to conquer your whiteness. Wu-Tang Clan (who, we hear, are nothing to fuck with), on the O.D.B. tribute tour, perform at the 9:30 Club. [9:30 Club]
* Go hit on an environmentalist at the Sierra Club’s Second Monday Valentine Happy Hour. Feel free to demand that whomever your flirting with write their contact information on a clipboard. [Upcoming]
* Go sledding before it all melts, fer chrissakes. And keep in mind that the only way to recapture that youthful spirit once you’re an adult is to get smashed first. It also loosens you up when you crash. [Rock Creek Park]

Two local youths, seen here paralyzed with blind panic at being surrounded by fluffy white snow (The Washington Post) MORE »