Tag Archives: smoking

  When I Dip You Dip We Dip

Massachusetts Patriots To Local Health Board: Smoke Free Or Die

Have you guys heard of New Hampshire?
Central Massachusetts is Charlie Pierce‘s beat — he grew up there, whereas Yr Wonket lived in the Commonwealth for a mere decade — so if Pierce picks this story up, be sure to read him. With that said, we have spent more than our fair share of time among the small towns north of Worcester, so when the Boston Globe reported on a contentious public meeting in the town of Westminster, the chaaaming, non-rhotic speech of New England rang in our mind’s ear. Read more on Massachusetts Patriots To Local Health Board: Smoke Free Or Die…
  nanny state

Ex-Smoker Obama Turns Into Giant Smoking Scold

God, Obama, stop being a dick. We get it, you are all perfect and no longer smoke because you are “scared of your wife” (pussy). Does that mean you have to march up to people and be all “I hope you quit smoking,” no it does not shut up Jesus. That man is a grown man, perfectly capable of making his own decisions, and you are not Anjelica Huston playing that guy’s mother, Etheline Tenenbaum, and saying “Well I think you should quit.” Read more on Ex-Smoker Obama Turns Into Giant Smoking Scold…
  you're talking a lot but you're not saying anything

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Our Aggression Against Golf Will Not Stand, Man

Time for another trip to the ol’ comment queue! Today, we begin with a reader who has had just about enough of Yr. Wonkette’s socialist notion that a million dollars after taxes is adequate compensation for a week’s work of hitting a ball with a stick. Our unfair attack on Phil Mickelson drew this comment from reader “dirtydimples” (haha, we get that — it is a golf joke!): This site is filled with some mean socialists, full of envy, I guess. Phil Mickelson give more to charity in one year than you clowns can gather in a lifetime, collectively, so put a sock in it, you pathetic losers. Get a job! That is awfully nice of Mr. Mickelson! We bet he gets a handsome tax deduction for those donations, too! We would also point out that taxation and charity are two completely different things, and that Phil Mickelson should find another brand of golf ball than the Entitleist that he’s been playing. (See, even commies can make the golf jokes!) Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Our Aggression Against Golf Will Not Stand, Man…
  this stuff never happens in cautious valley

Washington Man Sentenced For Dispensing Armed Anti-Smoking Message

A Sudden Valley, Washington, man has been sentenced to 20 days for pulling a gun on a pregnant woman who was smoking a cigarette. Justin Dain Palmer, 25, pulled over his blue Dodge pickup truck to confront the smoking woman around noon Sept. 12, 2012, while she walked on the sidewalk … Read more on Washington Man Sentenced For Dispensing Armed Anti-Smoking Message…
  make em say vote nah nah nah nah

‘Bout To Get Rowdy Rowdy And Debate It ‘Bate It

Hello, nerds! Rebecca and I are ready and set to get up in this debate shit, on the real. Tonight is the most important night of Barack Obama’s life, in that he should just straight slam Five Hour Energy and then leap around onstage like he will seriously Seal Team Six the fuck out of Romney’s shit. I am liveblogging from Gooeyz on the Ohio State University campus, courtesy of the Franklin County Young Democrats. Rebecca is blogging from a velvet couch while smoking a cigarette out of a long black holder. 8:38 PM: I have not seen a group of people this white sit in a space this small since that group of college kids piled in that Land Rover at Hilton Head. Read more on ‘Bout To Get Rowdy Rowdy And Debate It ‘Bate It…
  avoid the noid

Least Cool Person In America, Herman Cain, Decides Smoking ‘Is Not Cool’

Herman Cain is a pumpkin-headed creepy narcissist businessman who likes to repeat single-digit numbers and say stupid things. For reasons he cannot begin to explain, this Washington lobbyist and shit-food merchant allowed the release of a “web commercial” that shows a dirty old man saying weird things about Herman Cain and then melodramatically smoking a cigarette while making masturbation faces. Is the whole thing a stunt meant to sow confusion and insanity because modern life is a meaningless series of spectacles meant to jarringly punctuate the many daily transitions of the helpless worker into a fraudulently empowered consumer? Perhaps. But in the America of 2011, the self-proclaimed political leaders like Cain (who has never even held political office) are as confused by their motives as those compelled to watch these audio-visual abortions on the nation’s billions of computer screens. In other words, Herman Cain was asked if his idiotic web video was meant to promote death from smoking, and Herman Cain said no, of course not, because smoking cigarettes “is not a cool thing to do.” Read more on Least Cool Person In America, Herman Cain, Decides Smoking ‘Is Not Cool’…
  still morally weak

Top Ten New Obama Habits Since He ‘Quit Smoking Last Year’

It’s a pretty slow news year so far, so it’s time to check in with First Lady Michelle Obama to find out if her husband is still sneaking cigarettes in that closet where Bill Clinton used to bang interns and Cheney planned 9/11. (The White House is gross!) Reporters gathered at the White House for a fancy lunch with Michelle, because why not, it’s a fancy time! And they asked her, obviously, if Barry managed to actually quit smoking for reals, and she said, “Yes, he has. It’s been almost a year.” And then she said, “I’m very proud of him,” like he’s eleven or something. But what other bad habits has the president picked up since putting down the cigarettes? 10. Feeds this rat (“Ratty”) he sometimes sees in the White House kitchen, even though the chef is all, “Do not feed the rats are you crazy, we are trying to kill the rats, what is wrong with you?” 9. Leaves socks on floor. 8. Eats so much peanuts. Read more on Top Ten New Obama Habits Since He ‘Quit Smoking Last Year’…
  smoke smoke smoke that cigarette

Obama’s Inability To Quit Smoking Proves He’s Morally Weak

Ronald Reagan could do it. Even George W. Bush could do it. But Barack Obama — a 49-year-old multi-millionaire adult with two impressionable children and a somewhat high-profile public life — cannot stop smoking cigarettes. If Obama’s inability to stand up for anything he apparently (?) ever believed is still a mystery to the Americans who enthusiastically supported him a couple of years ago, the answer might be found in whatever broom closet or spot behind the hedges where the American President crouches over his not-very-secret cigarette. Read more on Obama’s Inability To Quit Smoking Proves He’s Morally Weak…
  eat healthy you slobs

Mandatory Suggestions For Eating Well In DC

Our Savior is intent on collectively improving health by banning popular foodstuffs that are bad for us (we can call it “prohibition” since that has a great ring to it). If Obama can keep his BMI index thing so low and smoke all he wants, certainly you can do your President proud by picking up the habit, or at least by eating a salad or some tofu at one of the many restaurants here in the Land of Arugula that serve healthy food. Read more on Mandatory Suggestions For Eating Well In DC…
  smoke smoke smoke that cigarette

SCANDAL: Obama Still Chewing Nicorette

Barack Obama went to see the medical droid and whoa boy, the newspapers are Outraged! Why? He’s 48 years old and still has safe cholesterol levels, healthy blood pressure and one of those “BMI” index things way under the standard American level of Obesity. Why does he hate real Americans? Also, why is he still being advised to chew Nicorette? DOES THIS MEAN HE STILL HAS A CIGARETTE SOMETIMES? And if so, why won’t he resign? [New York Daily News] Read more on SCANDAL: Obama Still Chewing Nicorette…
  safety first

Iraq To Ban Public Smoking

You know how many fun things there are to do in Iraq these days? Not so many! It used to be that, if you were a man, you could just chill out in public cafes and smoke your hookahs with other mustachioed dudes while you awaited the next random suicide bombing. But now the Iraqi cabinet is putting a stop to that nonsense — the smoking nonsense, anyhow. Read more on Iraq To Ban Public Smoking…
  does obama want his children to have lung cancer?

Obama Should Smoke During Press Conferences And Ash On This Lady’s Lap

We did not liveblog this Obama press conference, sorry, but fear not! We hear that a website called the Internet has a good recap. TPM describes the President’s attitude as “testy,” and, that’s just how we like our Muslin cooked. Here’s an example of Obama being Testy in response to yet another human asking about his smoking. He tells her, “Fuck off, fraud,” and then cuts a few butts and kicks Chuck Todd in the tummy, to honor Neda. [YouTube, TPM] Read more on Obama Should Smoke During Press Conferences And Ash On This Lady’s Lap…
  comics curmudgeon

WRONG WRONG WRONG

By the Comics Curmudgeon Look, one of the things we namby-pamby liberals get critiqued for is our inability to just stand up and show some moral courage, to say that some things are right and some are wrong. Usually we’re all like “Oh, there’s context” or “It’s society’s fault” or “Who are we to judge” or whatever. But sometimes, even the most consensus-addicted hippie has to take a stand. Today, your faithful Comics Curmudgeon will identify five cartoons that are simply incorrect. Read more on WRONG WRONG WRONG…
  cartoon violence

Unspeakable Perversity

By the Comics Curmudgeon Last week your Comics Curmudgeon tackled two very important tropes in the world of political cartooning: pooping and huge boners. “Ha ha,” you say, “surely it can’t get any worse pooping and huge boners!” Well, just as attempted teenage furry statutory rape was soon topped by actually implemented furry dog rape, so too you will come to look back warmly at the innocent time known as “last Friday,” when the worst you encountered was Kim Jong-Il’s enormous missile-dingus. That’s because this week you will be confronted by creepy, fetishistic depictions of vomiting, and “tickle play.” Forewarned is forearmed! Read more on Unspeakable Perversity…
  papal scandals

Wait, WTF, Pope Ratzi Smokes Cigarettes?

In this Wall Street Journal boring article about how Europeans sure love cigarettes yadda yadda, we were intrigued by this paragraph calling Nazi Pope Joe “the Plumber” Ratzinger a known smoker! Is this some hilarious WSJ New Year’s joke? Because there is no evidence we can locate, outside of some obviously photoshopped images of Ratzi in a cloud of cancer, to suggest our crappiest pope indulges in this particular variety of sucking on cylindrical objects. Read more on Wait, WTF, Pope Ratzi Smokes Cigarettes?…
 

Barack Obama Back To Smoking His Face Off

There is a terrible “wagon” in politics that people ride when they don’t want to have fun anymore. When you are on this wagon, you do not smoke or drink or do amphetamines or masturbate. It appears that Barack Obama, having ridden in the non-smoking section of this wagon, has fallen off it, and now he is a secret Cigarette Goblin again. Except because he is famous, and running for president, this is not a secret to anyone. Read more on Barack Obama Back To Smoking His Face Off…
 

Doctor’s Report: Obama ‘Lean And Muscular’ With ‘Minor Skin Rashes’

Last week, John McCain released a medical dossier longer than Moby Dick that lingered in gruesome detail over his many benign polyps and lesions. This week, Barack Obama’s doctor revealed that in spite of a youth spent snorting powdery mounds of blow, the candidate is hale, hearty, and possessed of an enviably low triglyceride count. Find out more about Your Barry’s hot bod after the jump. Read more on Doctor’s Report: Obama ‘Lean And Muscular’ With ‘Minor Skin Rashes’…
 

Obama To Die Of Stroke If President

No one likes a good nic-fix as much as Barack Obama, who quit smoking in order to run for president but “fell off the wagon” a few times every day since. Now since everyone’s talking about how John McCain, 71, is likely to die of Old Cancer when he becomes president, why aren’t they mentioning that Obama will die of Smoke when he is president? Read more on Obama To Die Of Stroke If President…
 

Obama’s Smoking Ruins Special Bond With Jake Tapper

ABC News Senior National Correspondent Jake Tapper was on to Barack Obama’s resurgent smoking habit months ago, but the Obama campaign covered for the ever-more-desperate candidate as he wove a web of deception that eventually ensnared the nation in cancer and betrayal. Way back in August Obama was wandering around the Capitol reeking of smoke, and what did Obama’s people say when Concerned Jake asked about it? Read more on Obama’s Smoking Ruins Special Bond With Jake Tapper…
 

Barack Obama Has Smoked Some More Cigarettes!

Tonight we’ve got BREAKING news that St. Barack of Obama “fell off the wagon a few times” since he quit the cigarettes a year ago. This means he still has some “regular human” genes and that Hillary is sure to announce that she has started smoking weed again, at 3 a.m. Read more on Barack Obama Has Smoked Some More Cigarettes!…
 

Get Barry Fifty Nicotine Patches Right Now, Or He’s Gonna Lose It

Never in his life has Barack Obama needed a cigarette more. What with Tony Rezko being on trial, his advisers telling Canada that his NAFTA support is a lie, and the media asking him questions about all of this stuff, Barry is getting mighty testy and could sob any minute. Is Barack the new Hillary? The evidence is leaning that way today, as he too is chiding the media for being mean to him. Read more on Get Barry Fifty Nicotine Patches Right Now, Or He’s Gonna Lose It…
 

Giuliani Apparently An Ad Man Now

This smokin’ hot new anti-smoking ad for ASH (Action on Smoking and Health) is, well, very very inappropriate! When Rudy fearmongers with 9/11, we hate him; when anti-smoking fearmongers with 9/11, do we hate anti-smoking also? Everyone smoke immediately — Barack Obama knows what’s up. [via Copyranter, full-size ad here] Read more on Giuliani Apparently An Ad Man Now…