Tag Archives: sluts

  Protip: Miami University Is Nowhere Near The Beach

George Will Discovers New Rape Category

Lucky duckies
George Will advanced the frontiers of Republican classifications of rape during a Wednesday appearance at Miami University, finding a whole new kind of rape that can be added to Legitimate Rape, God Gave You the Precious Gift of a Baby Rape, and Forcible Rape. Read more on George Will Discovers New Rape Category…
  I Am Mad About A Thing

I Take Birth Control Because I’m A Slutty Slut Who Sluts So Hard. You?

Okay, so, birth control. It’s this, like, medication-type thing, right? Like Advil for your aches and pains. Or aspirin so you don’t stroke out or have a heart attack. Or Flintstones vitamins so you grow up big and strong enough to turn a dinosaur into a car. Or Viagra so when you and your bros jet off to the Dominican Republic to bang some prostitutes, your floppy flaccid dick actually gets hard, but of course you have the prescription filled in someone else’s name because HELLO, when it comes to sex pills, you are all, like, I want “to PROTECT MY PRIVACY, given the potential embarrassing nature of Viagra.” Understandable, of course, because when you’re popping sex pills, it’s sort of no one’s business, right, RUSH LIMBAUGH? (Yes, that was an actual quote from the actual Rush Limbaugh. Feel free to mock that FOREVER.) Anyway, birth control is pretty much like that. It is a medication type thing that some women (basically all women, like 99 percent of them) use in a medication type way for medical type reasons, such as, for example, endometriosis, which is extremely painful and can be treated with birth control. Such as also for example not wanting to grow a baby inside your body, which can be avoided with birth control. Such as also too for example you are getting married and then going on a fabulous two-week honeymoon to a five-star hotel on the beach, and you do NOT want to be a crampy, bloody, bloated bridezilla, so you’d like to skip it altogether please, which is possible with birth control. Stuff like that. How. EVER. Read more on I Take Birth Control Because I’m A Slutty Slut Who Sluts So Hard. You?…
  if you drink and drive don't smoke

Alaskan State Sen. Pete Kelly Has Had It With These Irresponsible People Using Birth Control

Alaska state Sen. Pete Kelly is a Fairbanks Republican who knows what’s good for babies and other living things, and what he knows is that fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS) is a very bad thing. We actually agree with him on that, although we aren’t 100% sure he’s found the ideal way of addressing this very real problem, because instead of just relying on wimpy approaches that your liberals support, like “education” and “outreach” and “funding women’s health clinics,” he advocates a somewhat more robust approach to the problem, like maybe the state paying to make pregnancy tests available in restaurants and bars, or perhaps really getting tough by committing women who drink while pregnant, though that one’s just an idea that he’s floating, you know? On the other hand, he wouldn’t be in favor of the state providing contraceptives in bars, because people who use birth control are just so darned irresponsible. Yes, that is what he said, yes really. Read more on Alaskan State Sen. Pete Kelly Has Had It With These Irresponsible People Using Birth Control…
  yeah yeah yeah hot for teacher

Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller Simply Does Not Care For All These Whorish ‘Teachers’ Whoring It Up

Every day, when we wake up, we like to ask ourselves: Are teachers somewhere doing sex for money? Will today be the day that some website says they are? Please please pretty please G_d, let today be the day we can call teachers whores! Believe it when The Daily Caller tells you: If you find any fault with public school teachers, you will definitely hear about how very hard they work, and how they care so much about making the world a better place. The Daily Caller now has evidence that the many spirited defenders of the old profession of teaching are right in many exciting, stimulating ways. Hahaha, oh we get it! Teachers do not work hard or care about making the world a better place! (Only reporters at the Daily Caller do that.) Can you guess why? We bet you cannot guess why. We will just tell you. IT IS BECAUSE ALL TEACHERS ARE WHORES!!!1! Read more on Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller Simply Does Not Care For All These Whorish ‘Teachers’ Whoring It Up…
  They hate us for our freedoms

TSA Keeping Us Safe From Terrorists And Teen Girls

We understand that the hard-working hard workers of the Transportation Security Administration are just trying to keep us safe from Muslims and stuff, and that is why they make us take off our shoes and strip down until we are practically nekkid and get X-rayed and put our laptops in their own special little boxes and buy those little itty bitty tubes of toothpaste and why they decided not to permit pocket knives on planes after all, but we did not realize that we also needed to be protected from teen-aged girls in, like, clothes. Here’s what happened, as my daughter described it in text messages to us: she was at the station where the TSA checks IDs. She said the officer was “glaring” at her and mumbling. She said, “Excuse me?” and he said, “You’re only 15, COVER YOURSELF!” in a hostile tone. She said she was shaken up by his abusive manner. Read more on TSA Keeping Us Safe From Terrorists And Teen Girls…
  you can leave your hat on and everything else please

Sadness Abounds: CPAC To Be Less Sexxxxxy This Year

Remember how last year’s CPAC was teh hotttnesss? You had boys getting drunk and hooking up and passing out. You had ladies showing cleavage. CLEAVAGE! Does all this seem a bit deja vu to you, longtime Wonkians? Probably because Jim Newell mercilessly bashed ErickErickEricksonnnn and Melissa “Imma put Dr. in front of my name because I have a 2-year chiro degree” Clouthier about this last year! To be fair to CPAC (urgh), at least last year sounded semi-fun for attendees in a sad salaryman business conference sort of way. You’re away from home with a bit of free time and maybe you have a little bit of the old zipless fuck, a little stranger sex, and then head home to the rambler and the spouse and the child. It was no Roman orgy, but it was likely tolerable. NOT THIS YEAR, SLUTS. Read more on Sadness Abounds: CPAC To Be Less Sexxxxxy This Year…
  twas beauty killed the beast

Lazy Slut Who Did No Work Dinesh D’Souza ‘Resigns’ From Million Dollar Christian College Prez Gig

Dinesh D’Souza: Not having the greatest of all possible weeks? Just a couple days after the revelation that got engaged to and/or shared a hotel with his new lady without technically getting divorced from his old one (and also that lady has a husband too, or at least did recently, ha ha) comes the bad news that he’s going to “resign” from his job as president of The King’s College. (We put “resign” in quotes because “he” “made” the decision after the school’s board of trustees met for like two days straight, presumably deciding the wording of the resignation statement “he” would write.) Was he forced out because of his sexual shenanigans? Sure! But also because he was doing a not very good job of being president of The King’s College? Yes, that too! Read more on Lazy Slut Who Did No Work Dinesh D’Souza ‘Resigns’ From Million Dollar Christian College Prez Gig…
 

Zombie Breitbart Now, Somehow, Perturbed By The Word “Slut”

Let us all pause for a moment and listen closely, so as not to miss the quiet but familiar noise of another political argument going over Dana Loesch’s head. Loesch, Breitbart.com’s leader in the War On The War On Women, has (surprise!) a bone to pick with you, Feminidiots. She heard some of you at the DNC were selling “SLUTS VOTE” buttons to reference to when Rush Limbaugh went all crazy on Sandra Fluke and called her all those names, and she would like you to know that WHOA GUYS, THAT IS NOT COOL. Read more on Zombie Breitbart Now, Somehow, Perturbed By The Word “Slut”…
  No more friends with benefits with benefits!

Arizona: Cutting Domestic Partner Benefits Can’t Be Anti-Gay Because We Hate Straight Unmarrieds Too

When South Carolina defunds services for rape victims, Florida closes its only TB hospital during a TB epidemic, and Pennsylvania says voter suppression is happy news, either Arizona or Texas has to be next in the rotation. No idea what madness Texas will pull today, but Arizona is appealing to the US Supreme Court to pretty please let it eliminate insurance benefits for domestic partners of state and university employees (especially the gay ones). Read more on Arizona: Cutting Domestic Partner Benefits Can’t Be Anti-Gay Because We Hate Straight Unmarrieds Too…
  rape rape

Next Vice President Nikki Haley Axes Half Mil From Rape Crisis Centers Because They ‘Distract’ From Public Health

First the sluts tried not to die from cervical cancer, but South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley had a national reputation to tend to, so she vetoed voluntary HPV inoculations for teen girls. But what have the sluts done this time? Well, they went and got themselves raped. According to the governor, state funding for rape victims “attempts to serve a portion of our population for which we extend our sympathy and encouragement, but nevertheless, it is only a small portion of South Carolina’s chronically ill or abused.” Haley said the $453,000 designated for the South Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault’s rape crisis centers “distract[s] from the agency’s broader mission of protecting South Carolina’s public health.” Now those are some conservative credentials! We salute you, Governor Haley — or should we say “Future Vice President Haley,” amirite??? Read more on Next Vice President Nikki Haley Axes Half Mil From Rape Crisis Centers Because They ‘Distract’ From Public Health…
  good christian doctors

American Birth Control Mandate To Lead To Communist Chinese One-Child Policy! Everybody Panic!

Hey ladies! How’s your womb? Is it fruitful? No? What about now? Is it fruitful yet? Well are you even TRYING? It is your job to fill your stomach with tiny babies, a Quiver full of babies even, and if you do not want, say, 19 babies, then you are a heathen Communist Chinee. That is just so obvious we should not even have to say it, but apparently you are a Dumb Girl. Luckily, the Christian Medical Association is here to explain that an insurance company offering you birth control even if your employer doesn’t want you to have birth control is not only abrogating your employer’s First Amendment right to determine your sex life (you are a factory worker in Macau, right?) but is also the first step on the road to China’s one-child policy and forced abortion. It is simply that simple. Read more on American Birth Control Mandate To Lead To Communist Chinese One-Child Policy! Everybody Panic!…
  focus on your own damn family

Heroic Colorado Ladies Lysol Students At Prom For Pretending To Do Butt-Sechs

Hey teens! Are you ready for the most magical night of your lives, when you will go to Manitou Springs City Hall and dance like you are pretending to do butt-sechs, and then later you will finally lose your stupid virginity in a haze of Bartles & Jaymes? That’s right, PROM NIGHT! Well, two chaperones did not think much of your “slutty, whorish, trashy” ways, and so they ran around the dance calling you sluts and whores, calling the cops on you, and then spraying you with Lysol. “It cleans the air,” but can it clean your chlamydia? As detailed by police, several teenagers told officers that the chaperones subsequently deployed the Lysol, which got into the eyes and mouths of some dancers (some of whom had to leave the prom). A female student reported the spraying to police, saying that [Jennifer] Farmer and [Hannah] Rockey said that some dancers “were advertising butt sex.” The chaperones, the girl told cops, referred to her and her friends as “sluts and whores” and “dirty.” Read more on Heroic Colorado Ladies Lysol Students At Prom For Pretending To Do Butt-Sechs…
  identical cousins

Bishop In Search Of Hitler and Stalin Says Obama Good Enough Match

Peoria, IL – Bishop Daniel Jenky was conducting his Sunday message to a small group of Catholic followers in his modest countryside church, nestled in Peoria, Illinois. Bishop Jenky really knows how to deliver a powerful message. And just as Jesus would have done, he compared President Barack Obama to Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin. Catholics have had a little Hitler exposure over the years, so it was no surprise that the Bishop was able to see so many similarities between the three. Bishop Jenky isn’t your typical hatemonger. He is an educated hatemonger and he has all sorts of letters following his name to prove it. He refers to himself as “Most Reverend Daniel R. Jenky, C.S.C., D.D.” “Hitler and Stalin, at their better moments, would just barely tolerate some churches remaining open, but would not tolerate any competition with the state in education, social services, and health care. In clear violation of our First Amendment rights, President Obama — with his radical, pro-abortion and extreme secularist agenda, now seems intent on following a similar path.” That is why Barack Obama has shut down all the Catholic schools and hospitals, in his War on Catholics, which he learned at the knees of liberal Catholics who were also at war with Catholics, by being liberal. Read more on Bishop In Search Of Hitler and Stalin Says Obama Good Enough Match…
  the breakup

Bitter Newt Gingrich’s Mouth Writes Fox A Check His Ass Can’t Cash

Newt Gingrich was in Dover having a meeting with 18 Delaware Tea Party leaders. At such a crucial moment in his campaign, he did what any potential chief in command would do. He talked shit about his former boss Fox News for divorcing him for Mitt Romney once he proved to be cancerous to the Republican party. They Newted him at his own game! “I think FOX has been for Romney all the way through. In our experience, Callista and I both believe CNN is less biased than FOX this year. We are more likely to get neutral coverage out of CNN than we are of FOX, and we’re more likely to get distortion out of FOX. That’s just a fact.” Read more on Bitter Newt Gingrich’s Mouth Writes Fox A Check His Ass Can’t Cash…
  together at last

Sad Unloved Rush Limbaugh Will Not Air Ad From Only Friend Westboro Baptist Church

You’d think a guy in Rush Limbaugh’s currently rather unenviable position would take all the help he can get — but apparently he is turning down sweet sweet ad $$$ just because it comes from the patriots of the God Hates Fags Brigade. Westboro spokesman Steve Drain told Raw Story that while his organization has had their differences with Limbaugh, they were on the same page when it came to labeling Georgetown University law student Sandra Fluke a slut. “Even a blind hog can get an acorn every once in a while,” Drain explained. “We’re not aligning ourselves with Rush Limbaugh because as we say on our website about him, he wouldn’t recognize Bible truths if it were a bottle of pills sitting on his desk.” Read more on Sad Unloved Rush Limbaugh Will Not Air Ad From Only Friend Westboro Baptist Church…
  love is all around

Minnesota Nice: Entire GOP Leadership Doomed Maybe, Because Sex Stuff

When Minnesota Senate Majority Leader Amy Koch resigned superfast last December, she tried to pull the Sarah Palin Special “I didn’t want Minnesota to suffer a lame duck leader” total tripe and utter nonsense. Hey it was worth a shot! She was rather cut off in the knees on that, though, when the new majority leader immediately held a press conference and went on record as saying no, actually, it was totally because she’s a slut. Now the presumed object of her affection, Michael Brodkorb — a staffer who was fired at the same time (the married) Koch resigned — is making the whole leadership plotz with, get this, a sex discrimination lawsuit. Ladies who were boned by their freaky old legislative bosses were not fired, he claims, but men who boned their hot-to-trot legislators, were! Oh lucky Minnesota press corps, what fun you are having you betcha also too. Read more on Minnesota Nice: Entire GOP Leadership Doomed Maybe, Because Sex Stuff…
 

Totally Non-Shocking Poll Results: Americans A-Okay With Denying Sluts Birth Control

Was your day going a little too well until now? Were the birds annoying you with their musical chirps, and the sun just cold pissing you off with its warming rays? Then you will want to take a look at this NYT/CBS poll on American attitudes towards President Barack Obama and other filthy whores. Proving you can never repeat nonsense bullshit like “they want us taxpayers to pay them to have sex!” too many times, the gentlefolk on the right appear to have won this round with the simple childlike (“nuanced”?) morans of the US of A. Read more on Totally Non-Shocking Poll Results: Americans A-Okay With Denying Sluts Birth Control…
  oopsies

Preacher/Heavy Metal Rap Artist Bullies Kids At Iowa Assembly On Bullying

Well, this isn’t going over well in Dunkerton, Iowa. Minnesota preacher-man-band “Junkyard Prophet” was supposed to perform at a high school assembly against bullying and for making good choices. Good choices, apparently, like telling gay kids they would burn in fire, inveighing against dirty filthy girls who give it up before they’re married, and showing super cool gnarly pictures of graphic aborted feti. “They told my daughter, the girls, that they were going to have mud on their wedding dresses if they weren’t virgins,” said Jennifer Littlefield, a parent upset with the band’s performance. […] Littlefield also did not appreciate what she described as gay bashing. “They told these kids that anyone who was gay was going to die at the age of 42,” she said. But wait! That’s not all! Read more on Preacher/Heavy Metal Rap Artist Bullies Kids At Iowa Assembly On Bullying…
  eyebleach

Free Speech Martyr Rush Limbaugh Gets Hooker Website Ad Offer

Having spent four (12? 40?) days wheezing into his herpes-flecked microphone about hot nubile coeds and the sextapes they should make for him, poor martyred modern-day Mario Savio Rush Limbaugh finally caught a break when loathsome hooker website “SeekingArrangement.com” decided they could use some more publicity, and announced their hopes to advertise. Read more on Free Speech Martyr Rush Limbaugh Gets Hooker Website Ad Offer…
  day of atonement

Rush Limbaugh Sorry Liberals Made Him Be A Disgusting Liberal Like Them

In case you were wondering, beloved minstrel show performer Rush Limbaugh is “sincerely” “sorry” about the “two words” he called Sandra Fluke — slut and prostitute — and as anyone who is sincerely sorry does, took full personal responsibility for them by blaming liberals, who forced him to become a disgusting spewer of ad-hominem insults against nice ladies even though he did not mean them, like them. Blorgle snurfle phlegm, liberals have a “willingness to say or do anything to advance their agenda. But this is the mistake I made,” admitted Mr. Limbaugh, humbly. “In fighting them on this issue last week, I became like them. Against my own instincts, against my own knowledge, against everything I know to be right and wrong, I descended to their level, when I used those two words to describe Sandra Fluke, I became like them, and I feel very badly about that.” He continued, “I have always tried to maintain a very high degree of integrity and independence on this program.” “Integrity” and “independence” is not the language Your Wonkette would have used. Read more on Rush Limbaugh Sorry Liberals Made Him Be A Disgusting Liberal Like Them…
  still doesn't compare to jim gibbons

GOP Paid Son of John Ensign’s Mistress $5,400 During Era of Sexytime

We knew there had to be a “paying off some 19-year-old boy” aspect of this dull John Ensign story, and here it is: A Republican committee paid Nevada Senator John Ensign’s illicit girlfriend’s son $5,400 during the SAME EXACT TIME Ensign and the lady were humping. This teen-ager was given the dirty GOP money for “research policy consulting,” which is even more bogus-sounding that our business expenses. ALSO: Our friends at the Las Vegas Gleaner inform us that Ensign was putting his peen into this lady before he was legally separated from his wife. Read more on GOP Paid Son of John Ensign’s Mistress $5,400 During Era of Sexytime…