Tag Archives: slaves

  flotus files

Michelle Obama Does Topless Magazine Cover For Filthy Europeans

Here is the great news for those of us who have longed for some FLOTUS in our lives these past few days: Michelle Obama is involved in another scandal again, and surprise surprise, it involves Spain and France and being an African and, oh wait, NUDITY. And once our nation’s bucket hat-wearing slobs and zombie white ladies finish fantasizing about what Clint Eastwood would say to them if they were an empty chair (gross!) they will probably get around to being “appalled” that our First Lady is a naked slave on a foreign magazine. Or they will fight for as many copies as they can get their creepy, trembling hands on. Actually, they will probably experience both of these reactions simultaneously. So what now, Ann Romney, homemaker/equestrian? Read more on Michelle Obama Does Topless Magazine Cover For Filthy Europeans…
  the guy's on fire

Scalia: If States Can Resrict Those Freed Slaves, Then Why Not Messicans?

The Supreme Court conducted a vile smear against the noble state of Arizona today by shooting down most of SB 1070, the law that restricts illegal Mexicans from existing. Our old pal Antonin Scalia, writing the dissenting opinion, simply didn’t care for his peers’ decision. As Scalia sees it, states = sovereign, so states can do whatever they want, however they want it, to keep the filthy Mexicans outside looking in. Where is the problem? Southern states did this all the time with freed slaves, so why can’t they do it with the taco people? Read more on Scalia: If States Can Resrict Those Freed Slaves, Then Why Not Messicans?…
  psa re: kochsuckers

Here’s How the Koch Bros. Put ‘Raise the Retirement Age’ On TV

Why, exactly, should we raise the retirement age? Who benefits from that? Certainly not people, now being told that they’ll have to toil until death after all, just like the slaves and serfs of the cruel past. And why should the elderly now have to work to the grave? Because the Koch Brothers were born into $300 million fortunes and they’ve exploited hundreds of thousands of laborers and the natural resources of America to make that $300 million into billions, and they don’t want to pay any taxes on that, because they are evil. Here’s a quick video that’s not too lulzy but might be just what your brainwashed grandparents need to receive in their AOL mail. Read more on Here’s How the Koch Bros. Put ‘Raise the Retirement Age’ On TV…
  one toke over the line

Everybody’s Going To the U.S. Capitol To Get High

There is nothing quite like an early summer morning around our nation’s Capitol, where happy families are wandering lost and smiling and snapping pictures and lining up for tours of the grand slave-built palace of democracy. But why are they so happy, when they’re wandering lost in the crushing heat and wilting humidity, and where even the promise of an air-conditioned cafeteria is marred by the very real possibility that a passing Republican member of Congress will jump on your little boy and bugger him right there, to stop Obamacare. The answer, as is often the case, is the constant recreational use of marijuana. Read more on Everybody’s Going To the U.S. Capitol To Get High…
  rumors on the internets

American Children’s Trigger Fingers Too Fat For Combat

Not even Elmo, Sesame Street’s pusher extraordinaire, is capable of peddling broccoli to little children. [Matt Yglesias] Jonah Goldberg impresses the entire world with his 5th-grade Latin (“I likeus Star Trekius”). [The Corner] Read more on American Children’s Trigger Fingers Too Fat For Combat…
  and serfs built the excalibur

Harry Reid Wins Coveted Slave/Union Boss Endorsement

You know who likes Harry Reid? A “slave boss” from Dubai, who used slave labor to build Dubai’s architecturally adventurous hospitality industry edifices, so Harry Reid is basically Simon Legree! Which makes sense, when you consider that unionized African slaves built the Luxor casino two thousand years ago. [YouTube] Read more on Harry Reid Wins Coveted Slave/Union Boss Endorsement…
  it's always hawaii

Felled Southern Slaveowner Could Plan Coup Against Michael Steele, In Hawaii

Former South Carolina GOP chair Katon Dawson wanted so bad to earn his nut as chairman of the Republican National Committee in last year’s hysterical six-dimensional gangbang of an internal election process, one that hilariously culminated in Michael Steele’s first-ever victory in any contest. Dawson yearned so much for this position that he even resigned his beloved membership at a slaveowners’ country club which only whites could attend, unless of course they were slaves. This move backfired on Dawson, however, as the RNC voting body figured, “well if Dawson’s so much of a loser that he’ll distance himself from our favorite institution — slavery — we might as well just cold elect an actual slave, who will do what we tell him.” But the Steele Administration has produced “mixed results,” and now Dawson and the remaining White Leadership of the party will fly to Hawaii to draft their plot to kill Michael Steele. Read more on Felled Southern Slaveowner Could Plan Coup Against Michael Steele, In Hawaii…
  thanks iowa!

Steve King Will Not Thank Slaves For Building The Capitol Because Of Photoshop, Lack Of Other White People Memorials

Congress’ top-ranked asshole, Rep. Steve King of Iowa, has offered his rationale for casting the lone vote against a resolution to duct-tape an Etch-a-Sketch plaque to the assistant janitor’s closet wall in the $600 million+ subterranean Capitol Visitors Center, to thank the slaves for building the U.S. Capitol as part of their slave work. Read more on Steve King Will Not Thank Slaves For Building The Capitol Because Of Photoshop, Lack Of Other White People Memorials…
  wonkette junkette

Another Post About ‘Arlen Specter’s State,’ Virginia

Congratulations to Arlen Specter for joining the Dixiecrat Party of America’s “Mid-Atlantic!” Here in America’s slave city, Richmond — a “blue city” now — we located the “X” marking on the ground where the Enola Gay will finally destroy the South with her payload of Pig Nukes from space — as soon as Arlen Specter gives the word! See? He doesn’t even have to “primary” here. Read more on Another Post About ‘Arlen Specter’s State,’ Virginia…
  republicans in the news

Southern Slave Owner Plotting Hit On Michael Steele

South Carolina slaveholder Katon Dawson was this close to becoming the new RNC chairman, but the yankees rallied ’round Maryland black person Michael Steele, who has since brought disgrace to the white party by talking about hip hop and websites. THIS WON’T STAND. Dawson is now orchestrating a “no confidence” vote against this vaguely African fellow, Michael Steele, while Dawson’s North Carolina ally has demanded Steele stop talking about the rap music. Read more on Southern Slave Owner Plotting Hit On Michael Steele…
  completely new information

That Cannot Be True, CNN!

This CNN article is consistently hilarious, the way it tries to segue between Barack Obama being president and the history of slavery. We learn all kinds of surprising information! “WASHINGTON (CNN) — In January, President-elect Barack Obama and his family will make history, becoming the first African-American first family to move into the White House — a house with a history of slavery. In fact, the legacy of American presidents owning slaves goes all the way back to George Washington.” Whoa, that far back!!? [CNN] Read more on That Cannot Be True, CNN!…
  civil war

Slaves Vote Heavily In Obama’s Favor

Whoa, it’s the electoral map with… with freakin’ dots all over the damn place, just cold clusterin’ and aggregatin’ over the blue areas. It is this: “Strange Maps overlays cotton production in 1860 with the 2008 presidential results.” Awkward! And as you can see, we’ve “overlaid” — with a retarded X — the approximate location of John McCain’s Mississippi plantation, which he refuses to visit for sexy parties every single year. [Strange Maps via Andrew Sullivan] Read more on Slaves Vote Heavily In Obama’s Favor…
  party poopers

John McCain Avoids Fun Family Slave Parties On Family Slave Plantation

John McCain’s family owned at least nine million slaves, from Africa, back in the “good old days,” before Nancy Pelosi and the Liberals waged an unjust war on the Deep South and made everyone pay black people for work. (And people wonder why Congressional approval ratings are so low!) But the McCain clan still owns the Mississippi plantation land of its forefathers, and every year the surviving McCains — white descendants and black bastard children alike — meet for an enormous family reunion ON THE PLANTATION (wtf!!) and get wasted and tell each other hilarious stories about, what, that old cotton gin that kept breaking down just at the height of picking season. Ha ha ha! And for some reason, John McCain refuses to show up for these shindigs every year and now all of his cousins hate him. Read more on John McCain Avoids Fun Family Slave Parties On Family Slave Plantation…
  feeling the pinch

Is Greenwich, Connecticut Too Big To Fail?

Okay so it’s nine days old, but you must read this very delightful article about the effects of the financial crisis on Greenwich, Connecticut, a town where rich people live. There had been three types of people in Greenwich, organized into a clear heirarchy: rich hedge fund managers, rich investment bankers, and lastly, filthy serfs. Then! Wall Street crashed! And the new arrangement is thus: rich hedge fund managers, slightly less rich ex-investment bankers, and even filthier serfs. This is a disaster of world-historical magnitude and Hank Paulson needs to buy Greeenwich’s “middle class” new Ferraris to avoid SYSTEMIC GLOBAL FINANCIAL DEFAULT FAILURE. Read more on Is Greenwich, Connecticut Too Big To Fail?…
  log cabin republicans

New Lincoln Penny Honors Republican Homosexuals

Now that American Capitalism has completely failed and the U.S. currency is even more worthless, the folks at the U.S. Mint are having some fun by releasing this new Lincoln Penny, which reminds us that all Republicans are terrible closet-case homosexuals having grim bathroom encounters in these Log Cabins on the edge of town, by the interstate rest stop. Read more on New Lincoln Penny Honors Republican Homosexuals…
  13th amendment issues

Don Young Demands Congress Protect Sale Of Servant Monkeys

Alaskan Congressman Don Young, whose wife is a leading advocate of Capitol Hill’s chattel slavery economy, has a new pet project: the interstate slave monkey trafficking business. Now many of you are French and liberal and probably assume this harbors racial connotations. Well you keep eating that cheese, Jacques, because we’re talking about actual slave monkeys and not America’s lovely black people. Back in June, see, the House passed legislation banning the interstate sale of monkeys. How idiotic — leave it to the United States Congress to ban the economy’s most important industry in the middle of a recession. On Tuesday, however, Congressman Young introduced a new piece of legislation to amend the overreach of the previous one: it would “allow for the interstate transfer of specifically trained capuchin monkeys, who help severely disabled people with daily activities.” Read more on Don Young Demands Congress Protect Sale Of Servant Monkeys…