Dumb dumb dumb, dumb dumb dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb, dumb dumb dumb dumb. That is one “dumb” for each paragraph of Jonah Goldberg’s Los Angeles Times column today. For the record, we did not expect it to be “good,” in the traditional sense — we didn’t expect to read it at all! But 18 paragraphs of unmitigated “dumb” has a strangely magnetic appeal during this lazy news season. So let’s check out Jonah’s column, in which he argues that Obama’s plan to offer educational aid as a reward for national service is somehow both (a) welfare and (b) slavery. Europe, MTV, “the JFK cult,” and Rolling Stone magazine also play bit parts in Jonah’s remarkable paean to the God of Shit. MORE »

This didn’t actually happen today in history, but we’ve been thinking about it ever since Barack Obama got his “whoopin’ stick,” yesterday, because we keep imagining how cool it would be if Obama did this to Joe Lieberman. Here’s how the official U.S. Senate website puts it: “On May 22, 1856, the ‘world’s greatest deliberative body’ became a combat zone. In one of the most dramatic and deeply ominous moments in the Senate’s entire history, a member of the House of Representatives entered the Senate chamber and savagely beat a senator into unconsciousness.” MORE »

So a couple days ago on Fox and Friends they were talking about Hillary Clinton challenging Barack Obama to a “Lincoln-Douglas debate.” They referred, of course, to the grueling series of seven three-hour debates held in 1858 between Illinois senatorial candidates Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas, who was a shrimpy pro-slavery jackass. But those silly graphical artists at Fox thought the Douglas in question was Frederick Douglass, the former slave and abolitionist who basically agreed with Lincoln even if Lincoln had to hedge a bit to get elected! The point is, Hillary Clinton wants 21 more hours of debates which is why she must be stopped. MORE »

John McCain has made another one of those damn web ads where some guy with Gravitas reads a vague slop of purple prose for two-and-a-half minutes, expecting it to be “good” for John McCain. This one is called “Tolerance,” and it says that we are all Americans. The best part is when it declares that Freedom should be ensured for all mankind with the Lincoln Memorial in the backdrop. So now we know that John McCain does, in fact, support the end of slavery. [YouTube]

Iowa Sen. Tom Harkin recently explained that medical marijuana cannot be legalized, because parents would sell their children to South Asian Neo-Pirates in order to get that dreaded “high fix.” But now some guy is selling a baby for $1,000 on Craigslist so he can buy more “methamphetamine.” Tom Harkin was right, and medical marijuana is to blame, along with libertarian hippies at Reason magazine who condone this sort of behavior so long as they get a high fix. [Local 6]

It has nothing to do with slavery. Obviously if slavery were the issue, both Georgia and Tennessee would want many slaves, forever. Instead, the Georgia legislature is considering a resolution to annex an extra mile on its border with Tennessee. The proposal has elicited “tongue-in-cheek saber rattling from Tennessee lawmakers,” who enjoy war. But leave fun to the liberals; this thing has some serious consequences: “If the border is redrawn, the new state line would fall across Nickajack Reservoir. That would allow parched Georgians to tap into the waters of the dammed Tennessee River.” If Georgia can’t annex part of Tennessee, everyone in Georgia will die. MORE »

Tim Russert had Ron Paul on Meet the Press this weekend to help confirm for the public (including my dad, who voted for Ross Perot in 1992) that Ron Paul is a complete fucking idiot. Bring on the spam, people, I said it. He, um, also suggested that the government should’ve bought more slaves and shit (and we’ve got video after the jump)

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Former DC Mayor Anthony Williams introduced this now-beloved district-wide public holiday in 2004 to commemorate Lincoln’s freeing of Washington DC’s slaves a couple months before he freed all the slaves in the Confederacy (Washington was sort of a trial balloon, we guess). MORE »

Mere days after learning that Al Sharpton’s ancestors were once owned as slaves by the Thurmonds, the Baltimore Sun today reveals this shocking story: MORE »

Once again demonstrating that everything fucked up about race relations in this country can be traced back to Strom Thurmond, the New York Daily News announced this weekend that one of Al Sharpton’s ancestors was once owned by one of Thurmond’s ancestors. MORE »

Not even God loves Republicans these days: Tim Johnson has apparently recovered from his horrible ordeal. The South Dakota Democrat whose brain went screwy this week is now “responsive,” which is way more than you can say for Strom Thurmond’s last 20 years in the Senate. MORE »