Tag Archives: slavery

  the case for derparations

Dallas County Commissioners Are Super Mad They Accidentally Voted To Support Reparations

We are pretty much head over heels in love with this Dallas County Commissioner, John Wiley Price. Price is the sole black member of the Dallas County Commissioners Court (no, really?) and on Tuesday he decided to spice up his Juneteenth resolution by throwing in a call for reparations. Since the other commissioners basically couldn’t be arsed to pay attention, they all upfisted it and it passed unanimously. You won’t be surprised to learn that now they are SO MAD and are saying they were rooked, hoodwinked, bedazzled and UNFAIR. Read more on Dallas County Commissioners Are Super Mad They Accidentally Voted To Support Reparations…
  best american nonfiction writing of 2014

Wonkette Journalism Review: Let Us Speak Now Of Racism. Or Pegging. Whatever.

Today we ponder two awesome pieces of journalism, both of which had Twitter buzzing when they hit the web late Wednesday night. It was a tough choice for us deciding which one excited us more. Nothing we like better than some hard-hitting web content. Let’s compare the two and see which one has the potential to be more thought-provoking. On the one hand, you have Ta-Nehisi Coates’ eagerly awaited cover story for The Atlantic, “The Case for Reparations.” Coates has given us a searing indictment of the racism that has undergirded American society from the day the first slaves were brought to the North American continent, showing the reader, largely through the story of black efforts to capture a piece of the American dream by owning their own homes, particularly in one black neighborhood in Chicago, how the systemic physical, psychological and economic violence done to black minds, bodies, families and souls has wreaked havoc upon African-Americans for 400 years and continues to do so today. On the other hand, you have this piece from Buzzfeed titled, before the listicle giant changed it to something slightly less provocative, “Which Supreme Court Justice Should You Masturbate To?” Read more on Wonkette Journalism Review: Let Us Speak Now Of Racism. Or Pegging. Whatever….
  clipbait

SNL’s Leslie Jones Jokes About Slavery In Unladylike Fashion And So Many Sad Tears Are Shed

Oh, Saturday Night Live. We never watch you, but other people bother to watch and find funny things. There were funny things this weekend! The Beygency thing was hilarious and then new-ish writer Leslie Jones came on Weekend Update and she killed it dead with jokes about sex and slavery, which has many many people being sad all over. Read more on SNL’s Leslie Jones Jokes About Slavery In Unladylike Fashion And So Many Sad Tears Are Shed…
  all apologies

Tennessee On Slavery: Sorry Not Sorry

Let’s have a half-round of applause for the brave souls in the Tennessee House of Representatives, who boldly voted Wednesday to express “profound regret” for both slavery and for segregation, although the chamber couldn’t quite bring itself to actually apologize for either. Baby steps, right? After all, just like the Florida Congresscritter who’s unsure whether the Civil Rights Act is Constitutional, you wouldn’t want to rush things on a sensitive matter like “are we sorry for enslaving people?” Read more on Tennessee On Slavery: Sorry Not Sorry…
  the wtf between the states

Jim DeMint Explains How Big Government Never Freed Any Slaves

Heritage Foundation head Heritager Jim DeMint took a crack at revisionist history last week on a Christian radio program, and delivered the somewhat surprising verdict that the federal government didn’t play a role in freeing the slaves. Instead, what did it was both the Constitution and the “conscience of the American people,” which will certainly make for some disappointing costumes at Civil War reenactments. Read more on Jim DeMint Explains How Big Government Never Freed Any Slaves…
  the crass and the spurious

Allen West’s New Book-Shaped Object Full Of Slavery And Fake Founding Fathers Quotes

Allen West’s terrible new book is finally out, although the cover photo has been kicking around since November. Frankly, when we saw articles about West’s “new book” we thought maybe this was a rushed sequel. But no, it just turns out that West’s exciting memoirfesto, Guardian of the Republic: An American Ronin’s Journey to Faith, Family and Freedom, only slithered onto bookstore shelves on April 1. Somehow, the anticipation between the release of the cover image and the actual collection of typed pages managed not to kill us. So now that the rough beast has slouched into Amazon, what is in this tome? Would you believe “fake quotes from the Founding Fathers” and “stupid slavery analogies”? We bet you would! Read more on Allen West’s New Book-Shaped Object Full Of Slavery And Fake Founding Fathers Quotes…
  penis cakes we like

All These White Dudes Need To Stop Whitesplaining About What ‘Slavery’ Is

So you think you know what slavery is. Maybe you only just realized it was “really really bad.” Or maybe you already knew it was “really really bad,” so anything that you don’t like because it is really really bad is just exactly the same thing. “Ronan Farrow’s new show is slavery.” “That dry overcooked chicken was slavery.” “Being forced to rent hotel rooms to black dudes against my will because the Civil Rights Act demands that if I am the proprietor of a ‘public accommodation,’ or public-facing inn, restaurant, or retail establishment, I may not discriminate on the basis of color, race, religion, or national origin, is slavery.” Luckily, Judson Phillips, president of Tea Party Nation, is here to explain what slavery actually is, and it is being forced to bake cakes shaped like penises, because that is exactly what is going to happen now that Jan Brewer has vetoed the “religious freedom to discriminate” act SB 1062. Let us hear some more. HINT! IF YOU ARE AT WORK! WE WILL NOW SEE CAKES SHAPED LIKE PENISES! TO ILLUSTRATE ‘SLAVERY.’ NOT SAFE FOR WORK! Read more on All These White Dudes Need To Stop Whitesplaining About What ‘Slavery’ Is…
  for the racist who has everything

Georgia Offering Confederate Flag License Plates To Go With Your TruckNutz

Heritage is very very important to some people. No matter how disgraceful their ancestors may be, we all know those Germans Southerners who fly the Nazi Confederate flag in honor of long-dead grand-pappys who fought for the Third Reich Confederacy. And we all know that those folks don’t hate any particular people, but are just proud that their blood relatives fought for God and country, right? Well, folks in Georgia will now be able to find one more way to be totally not racist at all, and have that there license plate hanging from their pick-up truck, a perfect companion to rusted chewing tobacco cans and TruckNutz. Because nothing says class like desperately hanging on the the memory of fighting for the rights of people to own human beings based upon their skin color, amirite?  Read more on Georgia Offering Confederate Flag License Plates To Go With Your TruckNutz…
  thoughts on bondage and discipline unknown

GOP Congressman Has Thoughtful Plan To End War On Women: Have The Women Surrender Unto Him

Ever since the GOP lost 183% of the non-penis vote in 2012, we have been pleasantly surprised at the abrupt turnaround of the Republican Party. Who would have imagined a pro-choice GOP that fights tooth and nail for equal pay for women! But for every two steps forward, there is the inevitable step backwards, this time courtesy of “back-bench member of Congress” Rep. Steve Pearce (R-NM), per the Washington Post: A Republican member of Congress [Pearce] says in a recently released book that a wife is to “voluntarily submit” to her husband, but that it doesn’t make her inferior to him. Oh yes, that most favorite passage of the Bible that conservatives super-promise is totally cool and DEMAND that we not take out of context, because thinking of submitting to the husband as leader of the family has nothing at all to do with him being superior and you being inferior. To think about it THAT WAY is just being all emotional, and you know how you ladies get when you think with your emotions, which are always running your world especially when you are PMSing, which is all the time, so don’t worry your pretty little head over this, because that’s the job of your husband, who is your leader, your guiding star, and your commander-in-chief. But not in a superior way.  Read more on GOP Congressman Has Thoughtful Plan To End War On Women: Have The Women Surrender Unto Him…
  please revise your feces statement

MSNBC’s Martin Bashir Wants To Feed Sarah Palin A Dookie

Fluff the pillows on the National Rightwing Fainting Couch and charge up the Orbital Outrage Cannon: Sarah Palin’s good name has been tarnished by the Lamestream Media! It is true! After the tea party’s guiding intellect compared the national debt to slavery (because obviously if something isn’t Hitler it has to be slavery), MSNBC talky guy Martin Bashir called her a “world class idiot” (science fact) and said that “it’s hardly surprising that she should choose to mention slavery in a way that is abominable to anyone who knows anything about its barbaric history” (also a science fact). He then read an excerpt from the 18th-century diary of a plantation overseer that mentioned some of the creative ways they’d punish unruly slaves, including forcing them to eat each other’s feces. But where Bashir went over the line was in suggesting that because she is obviously ignorant of the realities of slavery, Palin might benefit from similar treatment, which makes Martin Bashir the worst baddest most horriblest man who ever lived. The entire episode is ridiculous of course, because it’s not as if Sarah Palin was trying to run away or learn to read. Doesn’t Martin Bashir know anything about slavery? Read more on MSNBC’s Martin Bashir Wants To Feed Sarah Palin A Dookie…
  jerks

Total Taker Allen West Wanted Free Handouts From Makers, Because He Is A Bolshevik And Probably On Welfare

Remember last week, or this week probably, who even knows anymore Dok is on vacation and we are high on the pot, when we told you about Allen West’s hilarious new book, How To Shoot Guns Next To Detainees’ Heads And Influence People, or something? Well, a friendly tipster/artist/ne’er-do-well, one Mr. Brian J. Crowley, sent us in these nice emails from a lady working with Allen West on that dumb book, and guess what! Colonel West (R-esigned in disgrace to avoid court-martial) wanted to use artists’ work for free! That’s right. Allen West, defender of capitalism from the 80 communists in Congress, wanted to suck off the labor of others without compensation. We believe here in the good ol’ US of A, that is called slavery. I mean, it is right? Read more on Total Taker Allen West Wanted Free Handouts From Makers, Because He Is A Bolshevik And Probably On Welfare…
  don't forget traffic stops

Townhall Reporter Katie Pavlich Still Unclear On Concept Of ‘Slavery’

Monday certainly was a banner day for Townhall columnists. First you had stupidity vector Kurt Schlichter cementing his status atop our pantheon of Blowhards We Hope Never Corner Us at a Cocktail Party or Any Other Event That Requires Consciousness (and it’s an extensive pantheon). Barely had we caught our breath from that smarmgasm when we spotted one of our favorites, derp-based life form Katie Pavlich, gamely trying to stand up for Sarah Palin’s dumb word salad about debt being like slavery and then, when people who understand what “words” in “English” actually “mean” pointed out to Katie why this was a poor comparison, kept digging the hole deeper. You know what they say: sometimes you have to hit your head on the rocks before you realize you’ve reached bottom. Read more on Townhall Reporter Katie Pavlich Still Unclear On Concept Of ‘Slavery’…
  all the sarah palin news that's fit to ... fuck it

Sarah Palin Tells Someone Who Is Not Sarah Palin To Get A Clue, Plus Like Three Other Things Jesus She Will Not Shut Up

Unfortunately your browser does not support IFrames. Sarah Palin — Levi Johnston is a ‘DEADBEAT DAD!’ – Watch More Celebrity Videos or Subscribe Sweet Jesus there are actually like four separate Sarah Palin items in the news today, and at the rate they are piling up there will be 12 more before this even gets wrote. First! Sarah Palin called the father of her grandson a “deadbeat dad” and snarled at the TMZ reporter to “get a clue.” That does not seem like good grandparenting or in-law-ing, to raise your grandchild with the notion that his daddy is a deadbeat, even when he probly is! Also, Sarah Palin does not have a pretty voice :( Read more on Sarah Palin Tells Someone Who Is Not Sarah Palin To Get A Clue, Plus Like Three Other Things Jesus She Will Not Shut Up…
  richard cohen don't know nothin' bout birthin' no babies

Terrible Columnist Richard Cohen Shocked To Learn That Slavery Was Really, Really Bad

With all of the terrible, sludge-brained, doped-out political hacks whose columns we read over and over until every atom of our being must fight the urge to swan-dive off a twenty-story building onto a fence topped with rusty spikes coated with rattlesnake venom, we often forget about the execrable Richard Cohen at The Washington Post. Perhaps this is an act of self-preservation. Then the Bearded Dipwad writes something so perverse we are compelled to stare at it like the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, until our faces melt and our souls get sucked from our bodies by razor-toothed demons. Hyperbole, you say? That is only because you haven’t read Cohen’s latest yet. Read more on Terrible Columnist Richard Cohen Shocked To Learn That Slavery Was Really, Really Bad…
  analogy fail part deux

Minnesota County Republicans Pull Hilarious Slavery Joke From Facebook Page

The Republican Party of Chisago County, Minnesota, posted this awesome satirical image on its Facebook page for a few hours Wednesday, then removed it — and the entire Facebook page, for a while — before posting an apology, saying that the posting was “not representative of our party.” Aw, come on, guys, enough Republicans have said that the attempt to ban abortion is exactly like the 19th-century abolition movement that you don’t need to apologize. After all, isn’t that exactly the hilarious point of the post, that legalized abortion is just as morally reprehensible as legal slavery? If anything, liberals should apologize for the slogan that inspired the Chisago GOP’s amusing spoof, because choosing not to have an abortion while allowing abortion to remain legal for others is exactly like choosing not to own a slave while slavery as an institution continued, amirite? Read more on Minnesota County Republicans Pull Hilarious Slavery Joke From Facebook Page…
  slavery is freedom

Blogger May Wish To Rethink Calling Rep. John Lewis Disgraceful Slaver Who Turns Fire-Hose Of Obamacare On America

Some people get pretty worked up about Obamacare. Here, for instance, is Jeff Goldstein, the proud proprietor of ProteinWisdom.com, explaining to civil rights legend John Lewis that YUH HUH Obamacare IS TOO SLAVERY, and also that John Lewis is a “parasite” — you know who else called people “parasites”? — and a disgrace to the civil rights movement, and that he should go fuck himself. (We are going to skip past his assertion that the Tea Party fights for “the epistemology of the Enlightenment,” because it made our brain kill itself.) Here, look for yourself! You sir, are a disgrace to the civil rights movement, a disgrace to the seriousness of the historic fight for equal rights for blacks (led by Republicans), a disgrace to those you purport to represent, yet upon whose ignorance and perpetually stoked victimization you continue to prey. I despise people like you. You’ve turned a past injustice into a cottage race industry upon which you live like a parasite. And your attempts to tether that past injustice to those of us who today fight for the freedom and autonomy of the individual to resist the oppression of the state suggests that it is you, sir, who today carries the fire hoses and have shown yourself willing, time and again, to release the dogs against those who oppose your designs on their liberty. In short, you are an opportunistic relic who, your protestations to the contrary, has become a bane to the very progress of the people your purport to speak for. So go fuck yourself. You know what else was slavery? (No, not “slavery,” just this once.) Read more on Blogger May Wish To Rethink Calling Rep. John Lewis Disgraceful Slaver Who Turns Fire-Hose Of Obamacare On America…
  what if a national majority wants gun control?

Nevada Pol Was Definitely Just Joking About Hypothetically Voting For Slavery, So Shut Up Already

Nevada State Assemblyman Jim Wheeler wants to make it absolutely clear that he is not in favor of slavery, OK? He was just trying to make a point, and all you smartasses in the media took what he said he believed and acted like he believed what he said. What happened was that back in August, Wheeler told a group of Storey County Republicans that if his constituents wanted him to, he would vote to reinstate slavery: “If that’s what they wanted, I’d have to hold my nose, I’d have to bite my tongue and they’d probably have to hold a gun to my head, but yeah, if that’s what the citizens of the, if that’s what the constituency wants that elected me, that’s what they elected me for,” he said. “That’s what a republic is about. You elected a person for your district to do your wants and wishes, not the wants and wishes of a special interest, not his own wants and wishes, yours.” See, it’s just that he’s so committed to the principle of representative democracy that he’d throw out all his other principles to serve his constituents. Isn’t that what the Founders wanted, instead of people in Congress who think for themselves? Read more on Nevada Pol Was Definitely Just Joking About Hypothetically Voting For Slavery, So Shut Up Already…
  talkin 'bout miscegenation

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Why No Sympathy For Suffering Of White Slaves, Who Had It The Worstest?

It has been a quiet week in our woebegone comments queue. Obviously, we’re not being outrageous enough; we’ll work on that. Fortunately, an older post attracted the attention of a reader who wanted to let us know that our understanding of the Old South is seriously skewed. In response to a piece we did back in July when Rush Limbaugh said that white people have never gotten sufficient credit for the awesome job they did of ending slavery, would-be commenter “sonyammmsavoy” added that Limbaugh has only scratched the surface, because the biggest victims of slavery were actually the whites (all spelling and punctuation guaranteed verbatim — nothing added, nothing corrected): Whites pick cotton side by side with the blacks and blacks were treated better then the whites the slave master good afford to kill us because whites slaves were cheaper so they didn’t mind beating whites and were were made to sleep outside and the blacks got the slave quarters . We didn’t know half of that stuff, possibly because we have never read the seminal work American History As Pulled Out of This One Guy’s Ass. And if you think that was something, check out sonyammmsavoy’s astonishing truths about the ugly history of rape and slavery (spoiler alert: whites become the victims). Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Why No Sympathy For Suffering Of White Slaves, Who Had It The Worstest?…
  You Keep Using That Word I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means

Values Voter Summit Speaker Dr. Ben Carson Calls Obamacare Slavery, Because Of Course He Does

This whole government shutdown slash Obamacare thing sure has given the GOPers a lot to talk outloud about lately. Ted Cruz gathered “thousands” of vets for a “million” vet march to make speeches about the government shutdown Ted Cruz caused. Louie Gohmert threatened to impeach the president for any potential debt default that Louie Gohmert will cause. Tea Party black guy doctor hero conservative Ben Carson also gave a little speech at the Values Voter Summit this past weekend, and played that master of all race cards, comparing Obamacare to slavery: Dr. Ben Carson, an African-American neurosurgeon and Fox News contributor, literally called Obamacare ‘the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery.’ Recognizing how odd these words must have sounded coming from a person of color, he doubled down: And it is slavery, it is, in a way, slavery, because it is making all of us subservient. Obamacare is making all of us subservient? Even the ones of us, like neurosurgeon Ben Carson, who do not need or want to sign up for this kind of healthcare? Or is it only making slaves of the people who have no way to see neurosurgeons like Ben Carson without some kind of insurance coverage? Is this like one of those “gay marriage is ruining the sanctity of straight marriage” things? Like, Obamacare is ruining the sanctity of all other healthcare forever, by giving currently uninsured people some sort of access? Read more on Values Voter Summit Speaker Dr. Ben Carson Calls Obamacare Slavery, Because Of Course He Does…
  if at first you don't succeed fail fail again

Running Out Of Original Bad Ideas, Congress ‘Goes Green,’ Recycles Failed Ideas From 2011

Let’s see here. We have a divided Congress, an approaching debt ceiling, and bitter partisanship. Congress suggests putting together a bi-cameral committee to work out a solution to deal with federal spending and the debt limit. Maybe, perhaps, this could work. Tell us more, The Hill: The House will vote as soon as Tuesday on forming a special committee of House and Senate members to work out a deal on reopening the government and raising the nation’s $16.7 trillion debt ceiling, multiple GOP sources told The Hill. This is a brilliant, novel idea, one that has never been tested before, ever. Surely this large, empowered committee, full of super powers, is just what this country needs. Now we just need a catchy, media-friendly name. Any suggestions, Glorious Readers?  Read more on Running Out Of Original Bad Ideas, Congress ‘Goes Green,’ Recycles Failed Ideas From 2011…
  the south's gonna write again

Sundays With The Christianists: Letters To Yr Humble Editor, Confederate Flag Envelope Edition

This week, a Very Special Episode of Sundays With the Christianists, with some special comments from admirers of this feature. Actually, we’re somewhat surprised that, in the year and some weeks we’ve been at this, we haven’t gotten more negative feedback — we appear not to have attracted the attention of the Jesusphere so far, which is occasionally a little disappointing. We’ll just have to try harder/more blasphemous-er. On the other hand, our recent posts on how Christian textbooks cover the Civil War have generated a couple of unhappy comments, which we’re delighted to share with you today. Our first comment comes from “Rebelbill,” who went to the trouble of including a confederate flag avatar on his account, just so we’d have no doubts about where he stands. In reply to our September 1 post, Rebelbill writes: I’ve never heard such a brainwashed crew of cultural marxists. Southern states had the Constitutional right to secede. Lincoln promised the South that he would enshrine slavery forever. No deal. Oh, this should be fun. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Letters To Yr Humble Editor, Confederate Flag Envelope Edition…
  there's an appomattox for that

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Homeschoolers Marching Through Georgia

We didn’t really intend to spend three weeks on the topic of our Christian textbooks’ coverage of the Civil War. Then again, both the North and South expected the war itself to take only a few months. With all the current talk of a “short, limited air campaign” against Syria, we wonder if maybe there’s a useful metaphor in that? And maybe, while we’re at it, in Mark Twain’s “The War Prayer”? Hahaha, who do we think we are kidding? Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Homeschoolers Marching Through Georgia…