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Posts Tagged ‘slavery’

Republicans Announce Racial Hero George Allen Will Perform Minority Outreach

Thursday, September 18th, 2008

Casting aspersions.Remember hilarious football-holding horse-riding racist dildo George Allen? He was supposed to be the “new Ronald Reagan,” but the Daily Kos or whatever videotaped him calling a fellow of Indian ancestry some kind of African monkey. Next thing you know, people found out George Allen was ashamed to be a secret Jew, and he maybe stuffed the heads of deer into black people’s mailboxes (?), and it was all hilarious and wonderful. Anyway, George Allen’s back! And he will convince, er, black people to vote for the Republicans! MORE »


Jonah Goldberg: Why Is Ex-Slave Barack Obama Trying To Reinstitute Slavery?

Tuesday, July 8th, 2008

Dumb dumb dumb, dumb dumb dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb, dumb dumb dumb dumb. That is one “dumb” for each paragraph of Jonah Goldberg’s Los Angeles Times column today. For the record, we did not expect it to be “good,” in the traditional sense — we didn’t expect to read it at all! But 18 paragraphs of unmitigated “dumb” has a strangely magnetic appeal during this lazy news season. So let’s check out Jonah’s column, in which he argues that Obama’s plan to offer educational aid as a reward for national service is somehow both (a) welfare and (b) slavery. Europe, MTV, “the JFK cult,” and Rolling Stone magazine also play bit parts in Jonah’s remarkable paean to the God of Shit. MORE »


How To Almost Beat A Senator To Death

Friday, June 6th, 2008

More blows to the head for you, RapscallionThis didn’t actually happen today in history, but we’ve been thinking about it ever since Barack Obama got his “whoopin’ stick,” yesterday, because we keep imagining how cool it would be if Obama did this to Joe Lieberman. Here’s how the official U.S. Senate website puts it: “On May 22, 1856, the ‘world’s greatest deliberative body’ became a combat zone. In one of the most dramatic and deeply ominous moments in the Senate’s entire history, a member of the House of Representatives entered the Senate chamber and savagely beat a senator into unconsciousness.” MORE »


Fox News Morans Think Lincoln Debated Emancipated Slave

Wednesday, April 30th, 2008

Ha ha, as if
So a couple days ago on Fox and Friends they were talking about Hillary Clinton challenging Barack Obama to a “Lincoln-Douglas debate.” They referred, of course, to the grueling series of seven three-hour debates held in 1858 between Illinois senatorial candidates Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas, who was a shrimpy pro-slavery jackass. But those silly graphical artists at Fox thought the Douglas in question was Frederick Douglass, the former slave and abolitionist who basically agreed with Lincoln even if Lincoln had to hedge a bit to get elected! The point is, Hillary Clinton wants 21 more hours of debates which is why she must be stopped. MORE »


…So He Is Talking About Diversity Or Something?

Wednesday, April 9th, 2008


John McCain has made another one of those damn web ads where some guy with Gravitas reads a vague slop of purple prose for two-and-a-half minutes, expecting it to be “good” for John McCain. This one is called “Tolerance,” and it says that we are all Americans. The best part is when it declares that Freedom should be ensured for all mankind with the Lincoln Memorial in the backdrop. So now we know that John McCain does, in fact, support the end of slavery. [YouTube]


Tom Harkin Was Right About Child Slavery & Drugs!

Wednesday, March 26th, 2008

Iowa Sen. Tom Harkin recently explained that medical marijuana cannot be legalized, because parents would sell their children to South Asian Neo-Pirates in order to get that dreaded “high fix.” But now some guy is selling a baby for $1,000 on Craigslist so he can buy more “methamphetamine.” Tom Harkin was right, and medical marijuana is to blame, along with libertarian hippies at Reason magazine who condone this sort of behavior so long as they get a high fix. [Local 6]


Georgia, Tennessee Wage Second Civil War

Friday, February 8th, 2008

It has nothing to do with slavery. Obviously if slavery were the issue, both Georgia and Tennessee would want many slaves, forever. Instead, the Georgia legislature is considering a resolution to annex an extra mile on its border with Tennessee. The proposal has elicited “tongue-in-cheek saber rattling from Tennessee lawmakers,” who enjoy war. But leave fun to the liberals; this thing has some serious consequences: “If the border is redrawn, the new state line would fall across Nickajack Reservoir. That would allow parched Georgians to tap into the waters of the dammed Tennessee River.” If Georgia can’t annex part of Tennessee, everyone in Georgia will die. MORE »


Ron Paul Advocates Government Slave Purchasing

Monday, December 24th, 2007

And they all wonder why we think they're weirdTim Russert had Ron Paul on Meet the Press this weekend to help confirm for the public (including my dad, who voted for Ross Perot in 1992) that Ron Paul is a complete fucking idiot. Bring on the spam, people, I said it. He, um, also suggested that the government should’ve bought more slaves and shit (and we’ve got video after the jump)

MORE »


Happy Emancipation Day!

Monday, April 16th, 2007

Slave 4 U - WonketteFormer DC Mayor Anthony Williams introduced this now-beloved district-wide public holiday in 2004 to commemorate Lincoln’s freeing of Washington DC’s slaves a couple months before he freed all the slaves in the Confederacy (Washington was sort of a trial balloon, we guess). MORE »


BREAKING: Obama’s Ancestors Enslaved Sharpton Family

Friday, March 2nd, 2007

Mere days after learning that Al Sharpton’s ancestors were once owned as slaves by the Thurmonds, the Baltimore Sun today reveals this shocking story: MORE »