Slate! That’s technically a magazine. Yes, yes, magazine by a hair. Okay, here we go, let’s take a look at which articles this week everyone will be referencing in conversation as if they did not just about read these things in Slate. As in: Q: “Oh, did you know so-and-so fun fact about so-and-so marginal aspect of bee-keeping or children’s literature or the economy of Idaho or whatever?” A: “Yes, yes. In fact, bee-keeping or children’s literature or the economy of Idaho is currently experiencing this sort of trend and here is an unconventional rationale regarding why everything will eventually be fine!” Knowledge! MORE »

• The Politico, having already sufficiently raped and pillaged the Morning, Evening, and Afternoon, now has its sights set on the THE DAWN, the rosy fingertips of which it will pry its signature demon scooplets from mercilessly. (No but, uh, actually. See bottom.) [Ben Smith]
• Nate Silver’s pet Andrew has thrown up some math numbers about tied elections being rare (…?), but not before warning us that “probably Nate could come up with something a bit more precise.” Sad. [538]
• Slate has a CONTRARIAN new article about how pointless the G20 is. Just try telling that to the millions who have risked their iPhones and limited-run sneakers and taken to the streets today in London to march against (or for?) something or other. [Slate]
• 2008 human souvenir Carly Fiorina might mount an unsuccessful run against Barbara Boxer. [CNN Political Ticker]
• A sneak peek at the ADP report reveals that something like three quarters of a million jobs were lost in March. But this is good news, you see, because now that there are no more jobs, we cannot possibly report greater losses in April. [AMERICAblog]

DC has adopted its first gay landmark! It is the second “official” gay landmark in America, right after the Stonewall Inn in New York and Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace. [DCist] MORE »

You know who’s having a doggone humdinger of an Inauguration weekend is that Christopher Hitchens, the ex-Trotskyist drink-soaked popinjay war columnist for Slate, Vanity Fair… wherever else! The Internet is awash with stories of his shenanigans this weekend, including a sexy kiss with fellow British anger bear Andrew Sullivan at the Slate party and some hip-hop dancing at the party for Slate’s black people website, The Root! THE GUY’S A MANIAC. MORE »

Filthy cock jackal Eliot Spitzer has written another one of those columns for the online Slate magazine, and he’s already mastering the “Slate Style,” which is to take a widely accepted belief (e.g., “Dogs make good pets”) and write a cool 600 words arguing why its opposite is SECRETLY truer (”Why all dogs should die”). In this column he tackles Obama’s big infrastructure plan, saying that instead of funding immediate road repairs and stuff for short-term stimulus’ sake, we should invest in transforming the foundation of America’s infrastructure. It is a stupid article because, um, Obama’s plans do include all of that, which is kind of the point. This leads us to Spitzer’s ace-in-the-hole, which is of course the massive federal funding of Robot Construction. MORE »

How do you “sex up” your latest middlebrow conventional-wisdom financial column in Slate, which is the U.S. News & World Report for people who have learned the computer? You hire a disgraced New York governor now only known for paying far too much money to have sex with a hooker! And that is worth one (1) morning of goofy New York tabloid headlines such as “Slate hot for Love Gov Eliot Spitzer as online finance guru” and two (2) posts on Wonkette. Let’s review Spitzer’s debut as yet another Web freelancer typing zero-research op-eds on the Internets! MORE »

SPITZER TO EDIT SLATE’S NEW LADY BLOG, XX FACTOR: Or something! The Observer reports that human penis Eliot Spitzer will be writing a column for the online Slate magazine, starting tomorrow. Oh that Slate, always keeping us on our toes! The column “will appear every other week and it’ll be about government, regulation and finance.” In other words: just softcore. And… uh… just imagine that this post had clever sex jokes in it, k? [Observer]

Check out this sexy article which shows every fancy college newspaper endorsing Barack Obama except one, in a ratio coincidentally similar to that of the editorial staff at Slate, “the college newspaper of the Internet.” The only college newspaper to endorse McCain is that of the University of Mississippi, where they hate black people all the time, because of slavery. Not all of Mississippi is horribly racist like this, however, as the “grown-ups’” Clarion-Ledger of Jackson, Mississippi has endorsed Obama. For some PERSPECTIVE, the headline for this paper’s wrap-up of MLK Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” deal in 1963 was, “WASHINGTON IS CLEAN AGAIN WITH NEGRO TRASH REMOVED.” This newspaper has no consistency whatsoever. [Editor & Publisher, HuffPo]

Ceaselessly contrarian Internet magazine Slate has released this election year’s installment of a feature they’ve run every cycle since becoming the first website on the Internet in the year 1542, in which each staff member reveals his or her voting intentions for president, thus putting the site BEYOND CRITICISM. Well, guess what, they are a bunch of filthy liberals. The final vote tally is Obama: 55, McCain: 1, Barr: 1, “Not McCain”: 1 (sounds like they’ve got some wiseass over there), and Can’t Vote: 4. Media critic Jack Shafer is the Barr hobo, and some copy editor gal likes Walnuts. Jesus, even “Somerset Perry, Intern” is going with Obama — we’d always pegged Somerset Perry as a McCain man! Extra tanks are being shipped to Slate HQ to contain the crowded staff, and in the meantime, Slate editor David Plotz has kindly responded to a couple of Important Journalistic follow-up questions we e-mailed him about Slate’s fancy transparency. MORE »

Those wacky contrarians at Slate have produced an 8-minute video summarizing the Democratic nomination fight. Ah yes, we remember that “thing.” Ha ha, no we don’t. But still, two complaints: (1) They forgot Hamas Waffles — “Lemme eat my waffle,” the guy said — and (2) they forgot Hamas Waffles, still. [Slate]

DEAR SLATE.COM ADVICE LADY: My family members are staunch Democrats and love to bad-mouth Republicans every time the conversation turns to politics. This is heartbreaking, because I myself am a secret Republican. My mom already knows that I’m in love with a Republican, and she won’t stop condemning him behind his back for his beliefs, calling him names like “right-wing whack job” and “little lord Republiroy” (also making fun of his height). My brothers all say stuff like, “Republicans suck” and, “Those Republicans are dumb-***es.” I am afraid to come out to them about my beliefs because of potential verbal abuse being heaped on me. Also, being a teenager, I do not have the advantage of moving out of the house and escaping said abuse. What should I do? [Dear Prudence/Slate]