Creepy Italian sausage SILVIO “JUST CALL ME PAPI” BERLUSCONI cherishes his privacy. Sì, Berlusconi needs his special alone time, so he can mount meter maids and plow the dickens out of teenage models in peace. But why won’t the evil ITALIAN MEDIA respect Berlusconi’s privacy? Surely they will all be excommunicated after ruining his daughter’s birthday celebration, and also, Berlusconi’s chances of scoring with his daughter’s extremely young friends. Vaffunculo! Italy: spay this man before HANS BLIX is required to, under international law. Snipity snip snip! … MORE »

Comical Italian hump-monster Silvio Berlusconi is always getting into scrapes — sexual scrapes, that is! The latest involves an audio tape, released to an Italian newspaper, purporting to be the prime minister and a 42-year-old escort talking about sex things, such as masturbation, immediately after they had sex together. She taped the whole thing with her cell phone, the naughty minx! Italian speakers, enjoy. [The Guardian, L'espresso]

Italy was a pretty important country or whatever about 2,000 years ago, but since then it’s gradually deflated to its current status as a wacky do-nothing ice-cream colony of back hair and male capri pants and trash and rats. Pompey was lucky to die when he did! Now the person running this ancient land-phallus is a naked orange clown who spends all of his time ringleading orgies with young non-wife girls or fiddling around with the roster of the soccer team he randomly owns. Which is great for him! But unfortunately for this Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, he signed Italy up as the host of tomorrow’s latest G8 conference a while back without realizing that he and his minions would have to “do preparation stuff” in advance, so they just did nothing, and now “Washington” is trying to kick this embarrassing pizza-bagel of a country out of its Rich Nations Club once and for all. MORE »

• OBAMA TO TALK IRAN, MAYBE, LATER: Barack Obama is scheduled to hold a press conference with Italy’s leathery clown king, Silvio Berlusconi, at 5 p.m. today, to discuss Stuff. In other words, a bunch of reporters will harass him about Iran. His options are to either declare war on Iran or allow John McCain and Andrew Sullivan to do it themselves, on Twitter. [Swampland]

Here is the libidinous fartsack Silvio Berlusconi, who still lives with his mom, assaulting some poor woman who just wanted to write a goddamn parking ticket in peace. Thank you to the inimitable shortsshortsshorts who posted this years-old but still fantastically awful bit of filth on his blog. [YouTube via ShortsandPants]

VERY IMPORTANT UPDATE: MORE »

Well this is just a great photo, right? It’s the part of a shoot when the photographer tells everyone to “go nuts.” For Italy’s Silvio Berlusconi this means “molest everyone,” while China’s Hu Jintao decides to look as boring as possible and the Arab guy gives a shady, mischievous look, just to freak out Americans. There is too much to say about this, so LET’S JUST DO THIS SHIT: BLINGEE CONTEST. RIGHT NOW. TIME. TO. THROW. DOWN. Send submissions (links and/or attachments) to tips@wonkette.com, subject line “I <3 GORDON BROWN’S ANAL POISON,” by 4:30 ET (ONE HOUR) 5:00 ET and we will post some of the best. The prize is an “iPod.” [TNR]

People who follow European politics know that Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is a crooked wingnut who only stays in power by sending packets of money to every member of parliament. He has been charged and tried for a variety of comical Italian crimes such as bribery of cops and judges, “mafia collusion,” and every known variety of corruption. But he has never been convicted, and this is why the White House shouldn’t have handed out that Berlusconi biography calling him a scumbag “”known for governmental corruption and vice.” [BBC News]

Everyone in Europe is a socialist Liberal arugula-swilling white wine-eating gay elite terrorist statist freedom-hating fairy, except for one man: Silvio Berlusconi, who said today that he favors John McCain, and did so by mocking him: “I suppose I could express my own personal preference for one of the candidates, the Republican candidate, and this is for a very selfish reason, and that is that I would no longer be the oldest person at the upcoming G8.” So far, this is the most reasonable explanation any individual has offered for supporting John McCain. [WSJ]

Europeans’ favorite hobbies include drinking tea and “Fanta,” smoking *our* tobacco, sexing tight-jeaned hobbits, and being outrageously catty. Due to at least three of these factors, the outgoing Italian government — distraught over its failures — posted every Italian’s tax information online, with no warning, until the site crashed due to excessive voyeurism. MORE »

We ran into a group of Italian tourists this afternoon in Philadelphia who hilariously thought we were a real news organization. They’ve enjoyed seeing “the advertisements about Obama and Hillary,” making them the first group in world history to have felt this way. But they don’t like either candidate nearly as much as they like their own new Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi! The mere mention of his name set off an avalanche of stereotypical Italian overreactions and blown kisses. Then we interviewed some child who is UNDECIDED STILL AFTER ALL THESE YEARS. Finally, we sneaked a peek at the Liberty Bell, which is fake, like YOU.

If Americans know one thing about the Foreigns (and sometimes that’s a near thing), it’s that they live in Foreign countries, which, obviously, are hellholes of awfulness and despair. Guess if they didn’t want to be crapped on day and night by a malevolent universe, they should have lived in America! This week, the Foreigns introduces you to some happenings overseas that we can safely laugh at only because they only happen to Foreign types, but otherwise they’d be pretty depressing. MORE »