Tag Archives: shutdown

  Thanks Texas

Your 2014 Legislative Sh*tmuffin (National Division): Oh Right It’s Ted Cruz For A Change

Behold! He stands before us!
2014 was the year when Senator Ted Cruz (R-Alberta) officially renounced his Canadian citizenship and became a true American. It was also the year when Cruz made his first successful title defense of Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award (National Division). How else did Ted save the soul of America this year? Let’s Wonksplore! Read more on Your 2014 Legislative Sh*tmuffin (National Division): Oh Right It’s Ted Cruz For A Change…
  Here have some news n stuff

Congress Sort Of Has A Deal To Keep Government Open Maybe

He'll take the help, but it's gonna hurt
With the clock ticking toward Thursday, when our U.S. of America government will be officially out of pocket change and out of business, the do-nothing layabouts in Congress have maybe cobbled together a deal to avoid that. Hooray, end-of-year bonuses for all of you, for doing such a good job at doing your jobs! Especially you, Speaker John Boehner, for agreeing to suck it up and beg the Democrats to take pity on you by giving you a hand. Read more on Congress Sort Of Has A Deal To Keep Government Open Maybe…
  cruz control

McConnell, Cruz Prepare For Epic Dick-Measuring Contest

“Come now, be reasonable.” On the Fateful November Tuesday That Shall Not Be Named (the one in 2014, not 2010), Calgary’s own Ted Cruz sat down with Wolf Blitzer and was asked if he’d support Mitch McConnell as the next Senate majority leader. Cruz declined to say, as he’s done since August, mostly because Ted Cruz is pretty sure you don’t even need a majority if you’ve already got the smartest, bestest Sen. Ted Cruz on the market. Read more on McConnell, Cruz Prepare For Epic Dick-Measuring Contest…
  still illegal in virginia

The Thirteen Greatest Achievements In Throat Cramming Of 2013

Like most years when there’s a Democrat in the White House, 2013 was a year of things getting rammed, crammed, jammed, shoved, and/or forced down our (America’s) throats. How big were the things? So big. Were they hard to swallow? Oh yes. But somehow, freedom will endure, we guess. Here is a list of 13 tyrannies that made patriots gag in 2013: Read more on The Thirteen Greatest Achievements In Throat Cramming Of 2013…
  just put it on our tab

GOP Shutdown Final Tally: $2 To $6 Billion Which Was Worth It Because Obamacare Was Totally Repealed

You ever wonder what success looks like? We often wonder, because we are bloggers who sit in unwashed pajamas, drink cheap whiskey and incessantly email BangMeHarder54@altavista.com to please do sex on us, so we don’t know any successes. But we are not Texi-Canadian Senators who have shut down the government to lodge our discontent for a three-year-old law. Folks like that know the sweet sweet smell of success, because they fight for fiscal responsibility and reduced spending, and they get RESULTS, right HuffPo? The federal government shutdown that lasted for 16 days in October is expected to cost the U.S. economy between $2 billion and $6 billion in economic output, according to a report by the Office of Management and Budget released Thursday afternoon. Yep — we saved $2 billi… hold on. WE FUCKING LOST UP TO $6 BILLION!!1! Read more on GOP Shutdown Final Tally: $2 To $6 Billion Which Was Worth It Because Obamacare Was Totally Repealed…
  mostly you just make me mad

Grover Norquist & Company Go Full Mean Girl On Ted Cruz

Poor Grover Norquist. He was so famous once! He was the guy who got nearly every Republican congressthing to sign a “no tax hikes ever” pledge, which turned out to actually mean “no tax hikes on rich people,” remember that? Remember how the Sourest Muppet was totally copacetic with letting the proles suffer the expiry of the payroll tax cut, but refusing to allow the Bush-era tax cuts on high earners to expire was a hill you had to die on if you were a Good Republican? ANYWAY, it seems Grover is not happy! Grover just wants to get Republicans elected to office, you see, but there’s a certain Canadian striver who is making that job harder and harder. Surprise, It’s Ted Cruz! Ted Cruz’s soft launch of his “Ted Cruz For President of the Perpetually Aggrieved Retrograde Fantasists 2016 Campaignwreck” shutdown/debt default crisis two-for-one ended up costing Republicans quite a few brownie points in the polls. Not good, thinks Grover Norquist! Smack must be talked! And he’s off to a good start: “I have never had a criticism of Ted Cruz’s strategy because I’ve never been able to find it,” he told some “progressive” radio traitor, according to Breitbart. Is there more? Oh, oh yes. Read more on Grover Norquist & Company Go Full Mean Girl On Ted Cruz…
  We can be heroes just for one derp

Tom DeLay Ex-Consplains How Real Americans Totally Heart Hero Ted Cruz Actually

Remember that one time Republicans shut down the government and threatened to crash the entire economy because that sumbitch Obama refused to repeal his entire presidency and let Ted Cruz live in the White House? So disrespectful! Who does that guy think he is, some kind of president whose health care reform was signed into law and upheld by the Supreme Court? And remember how the entire country rallied around Sen. Ted Cruz and begged him to impeach Obamacare by any means necessary, and the approval numbers for the entire Republican Party went through the roof, and Americans sent all kinds of love letters to Congress saying, “Thank you so much for saving us from Obamacare, please keep the government shut down forevah!” No? That is not how you remember it? Then you must not live in Real AmericaTM. Read more on Tom DeLay Ex-Consplains How Real Americans Totally Heart Hero Ted Cruz Actually…
  meet the new boss

Harry Reid Is Your New Grandmaster Of Senate Chess

Harry Reid is not perfect, as he’ll be the first to tell you. Second to tell you will be your Wonket, your Wonkette, and all of les enfants terrible who would leave comments here, if we allowed those. It’s a three-way tie of telling you second. That said, we can’t think of anyone who’s more responsible for last night’s favorable resolution to the government shutdown/debt limit fiasco than Harry Reid. The Senate’s bill, passed last night by the House and signed by our benevolent dictator B. Barry Bamz, reflected Democratic preferences on the timing of the next debt limit and continuing resolution fights. Republicans also agreed to return to regular budget order, so the next time Congress guts social insurance it will be regular and orderly, thank goodness. Let’s explore how Harry Reid got us here, and why he is your latest nominee for Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Badass of the Year award, which will likely never be awarded, because we forgot. Read more on Harry Reid Is Your New Grandmaster Of Senate Chess…
  also will find the real arsonist

Darrell Issa To Investigate How Republicans’ Government Shutdown Is Totally Obama’s Fault Somehow

Investimagating IRSghazigate is so last season. That’s why House Oversight and Government Reform Chairman and theater producer Darrell Issa has discovered some new masturbatory material. He is going to investigate how the eeeeeevil Obama administration allowed Republicans to shut down the government and force the closure of national parks and memorials. But he has a REALLY good reason: some anonymous dude said a thing. Issa cited an “anonymous park service ranger” who was quoted as telling The Washington Times that “we’ve been told to make life as difficult for people as we can.” “If true, and I have no reason to doubt the truthfulness of that quote, it is indeed disgusting and despicable that the park service would do this,” Issa said at the hearing, being held jointly by his committee and the House Natural Resources Committee. An anonymous quote in the Washington Times? It doesn’t get any more airtight than that, does it? We definitely need Issa to get to the bottom of how this Republican shutdown is actually Obama’s fault — and, we are guessing, that is why we must REPEAL! and DEFUND! and IMPEACH! Read more on Darrell Issa To Investigate How Republicans’ Government Shutdown Is Totally Obama’s Fault Somehow…
  also: walnuts

Lindsey Graham Sorry, So Sorry, Please Accept His Apology

While the “world watches” America threaten to destroy the global economy, it’s “eat your own” time for the Republicans, otherwise known as “the people in charge of making sure America does not destroy the global economy while the world watches.” But the debt ceiling is scheduled to come tumbling down tomorrow and yesterday the House could not even get it together enough to vote on a deal that would stop the country from defaulting on all its debt (until February! When we can do this all again!) and open up all the government stuff it had shut down. And the Senate really wanted them to get that done, so that they could pass their bill that Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell have already agreed upon. There’s an arcane procedural reason the Senate [was] waiting. If it were to advance its own bill through the normal channels, stalling tactics expected to be used by arch-conservatives like Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) could delay passage until the weekend. But if the House were to pass a debt limit hike first, the Senate could declare the measure “privileged” and advance it quickly, possibly by amending it and sending it back. So the Senate needed the House to stop being stupid, so they could avoid Ted Cruz definitely being stupid and making everything take forever, because the country’s rent is due tomorrow, people. And now what has come to be known as what passes for reasonable in the GOP is yelling mercy and saying sorry and trying to get someone somewhere to do something for chrissakes because this is not good. And who was the most grownup grownup in the room yesterday? Why, none other than our own belle of the ball, Mr. Senator Lindsey Graham! Read more on Lindsey Graham Sorry, So Sorry, Please Accept His Apology…
  gop cares not for minorities

GOP Loves Democracy So Much They Change House Rules So Only GOP Can Participate

You remember reading Calvin & Hobbes, the greatest comic ever written in the history of ever? Rambunctious little Calvin and his imaginary friend Hobbes would sometimes play Calvinball, a game where you make up the rules as you go along. Apparently, the GOP thought this was the greatest government blueprint since Green Eggs & Ham, and juuuussst before the government shutdown started, decided to bring a little Calvinball to Congress, per The Hill: Under long-standing House rules, any member of the chamber can bring a measure to the floor. But Republicans altered the rule governing legislation to fund the government so that only House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) holds the power to make such a motion. Well, librul hero and fan of following rules Rep. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD)* decided to make sure that the American people knew what kind of faux-democracy the GOP was rigging. After the jump, prepare for some wonktastic House floor debate on rules and procedure! No seriously, its awesome.  Read more on GOP Loves Democracy So Much They Change House Rules So Only GOP Can Participate…
  but they wanna use the parks now daddy!

No, Idiots, For The Last Time You Do Not Get To Use National Parks When They Are Closed

Nearly two weeks into the shutdown, the right’s least-pathetic gambit remains their “cakes we like” strategy, in which the impasse would be resolved by passing discrete appropriations for things Republicans support, like national parks. Shut up, Republicans do too support national parks, because they are popular, and Teddy Roosevelt was a Republican, remember? Now Mark Steyn, America’s second most irritating Canadian, is getting in on the act with a column titled “Park Service Paramilitaries” that breaks new ground in the fields of hyperbole and elision. Here’s the opening line: “If a government shuts down in the forest and nobody hears it, that’s the sound of liberty dying.” We are going to be nice and not point out that this sentence either makes no sense at all, or contradicts Mark Steyn’s entire point that people are indeed “hearing” the shutdown by being kept out of parks, and just move on, because it gets worse. Read more on No, Idiots, For The Last Time You Do Not Get To Use National Parks When They Are Closed…
  apocalypse soon

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special We Are Terrible At Healthcare And Public Art Edition

Have you been reading a lot of smart takes, a lot of thinkpieces, about how much the computer-y part of the healthcare roll out sucks, and the gubmint should have magically figured out a way to sign up oodles of people who need to provide oodles of data and done so without any glitches in their website, because that’s a totes easy thing to do? Sure you have, but you probably haven’t read the New York Times version yet! Are you gonna read that article? Nah, because it is pretty much the same old same old. Many problems with the website. Many not enough monies to do this thing right. Many insurance executives having a sad. To all of this, we say: single payer, bitches. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special We Are Terrible At Healthcare And Public Art Edition…
  here is my offer: nothing

Shutdown Saga Maybe Possibly Coming To An End, Ha Ha, Just Kidding Dummies

Shutdown day 11! Hope you have been getting your Government Shutdown Bonus Card stamped every day, because 12 shutdown days earns you one free voter repression in the swing state of your choice! (Wonkette is going with a minority college kid in North Carolina.) Well, yesterday saw President Obama meeting with top GOP lawmakers at the White House to Not Negotiate an end to the GOP shutdown over repealing Obamacare defunding Obamacare delaying Obamacare stubbornness? Who knows anymore. But good news! “We had a useful meeting. We agreed to continue discussions,” House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) said upon returning to the Capitol. A useful meeting AND more discussions!!1! Just the fact that there is a conversation happening sent stocks rising faster than Rick Santorum’s peener when he dreams of coupling with Ronald Reagan’s corpse. Let’s sexplore what deal may be cooking.  Read more on Shutdown Saga Maybe Possibly Coming To An End, Ha Ha, Just Kidding Dummies…
  what is your opinion of dying in a fire?

Republican Party’s Favorability Hits All-Time Low, Proving That We Must Repeal Obamacare

You see that picture up there, with the jaggedy lines? It’s a “graph,” and it shows that 28% of Americans have a favorable view of the Republican Party, according to Gallup. Maybe you think that’s pretty good, considering that the Republican party can barely hide their contempt for most of America, and also that they’re wrong about everything, plus or minus a thing (maybe, sometimes). But it’s actually any party’s worst poll result in the 20 years since Gallup first sounded the depths of America’s hatred for the people they repeatedly vote into office. While we don’t know for sure, there’s good circumstantial evidence that Republicans’ historically low favorability is related to their refusal to fund the government unless Democrats let them make Obamacare worse. Say… all this talk of polls and approval has made us wonder: How are people liking their death panels so far? Read more on Republican Party’s Favorability Hits All-Time Low, Proving That We Must Repeal Obamacare…
  gored by a RINO

Let John McCain Berate And Shame You, Especially If You Are A Republican

Remember back in 2008 when we were all briefly terrified that John McCain might win the presidency and then die and then Sarah Palin? As it turns out, WALNUTS! is winning his battle against actuarial science quite handily! Here he is on the floor of the Senate, looking more alive than Mitt Romney ever has, just cold yelling that everybody is A Idiot, especially Republicans. Read more on Let John McCain Berate And Shame You, Especially If You Are A Republican…
  Squats for me but not for thee

John Boehner Declares Congressional Gym Essential, Head Start Not So Much

While Republicans hold pretty much the entire U.S. of America hostage until the Usurper-in-Chief agrees to defund himself back to Kenya and stop personally paying to keep that Museum o’ Muslims open with all that money he made from his autobiography written by Bill Ayers, we have an excellent opportunity to find out exactly what is and is not essential to keeping us USA! USA! No. 1!!!!!. Like, cancer treatment for The ChildrenTM? Nope, not essential. Head Start, the program that educamacates those same The Children? Also nope. The members-only congressional gym where you can imagine — if you are a masochist — Paul Ryan P90Xing to Stairway while Rep. Virginia Foxxxxxxxx gets her squats on? Why yes. Yes, that is essential: A House aide confirmed to ThinkProgress that the House member’s gym is open. The House gym features a swimming pool, basketball courts, paddleball courts, a sauna, a steam room and flat screen TVs. While towel service is unavailable, taxpayers remain on the hook for cleaning and maintenance, which has been performed daily throughout the shutdown. There are also costs associated with the power required to heat the pools and keep the lights on. Read more on John Boehner Declares Congressional Gym Essential, Head Start Not So Much…
  the fundamentals of the economy are strong

GOP Shutdown Saves Economy From Too Much Prosperity

Well, we are in week 2 of what seems to be a shutdown about… something … who really knows at this point? Now that Obamacare is glitchily bumbling along, what, exactly, is the GOP demanding for releasing the hostage? Who cares, at least the government is saving tons of money and the economy is still humming along, right Bloomberg? The shutdown cost $1.6 billion last week in lost economic output, according to IHS Inc., a Lexington, Massachusetts-based global market-research firm. As the showdown enters its eighth day, the office closures are now draining an average of $160 million each workday… HOLY GOAT TESTICLES, BATMAN. That’s a lot of damage to the U.S.American economy. But since it was the GOP’s choice to shut down the gubmint, surely the only ones losing money are fat-cat limousine libruls, right? Let’s see.  Read more on GOP Shutdown Saves Economy From Too Much Prosperity…
  shizritz

Ben Shapiro Will Boycott Ritz Crackers Because Al Sharpton, Makes Sense To Us

Ben Shapiro is what passes for a wunderkind on the right these days because he is under 30 and can dissemble in complete, intelligible sentences. He’s probably best-known for the time he asked the Tough Questions about then-Sec. Def. nominee Chuck Hegel’s relationship with a fictional terrorist group called Friends of Hamas. Ben was totally sorry that he smeared a good man’s name with his insinuations WHOOPS we mean he was NOT AT ALL sorry, instead resorting to the “Durrr I just write the words when people say it” defense. So what’s our favorite virgin up to now? Probably something journalismy, what with the shutdown and the looming this and that? Would you believe NOPE! He’s trying to organize a boycott of Ritz crackers, because Al Sharpton has a teevee show. OK, we’ll bite. Read more on Ben Shapiro Will Boycott Ritz Crackers Because Al Sharpton, Makes Sense To Us…
  self-inflicted derp

Darrell Issa Gets Dressed Down By Federal Court Judge For Being Stupid, Arrogant Whiny-Baby

If you woke up this morning and thought that there was a foul odor wafting through the universe, your senses were not deceiving you. Cosmic skidmark Darrell Issa (R-CA) is back in the news. This time it’s about his lawsuit against Attorney General Eric Holder and the whole Fast & Furious thingy. Apparently, Issa is acutely perturbed that his TWO-YEAR OLD lawsuit is hitting some roadblocks, per Slate: DOJ [The Department of Justice] asked the court to delay court proceedings, explaining that its appropriations had lapsed on Sept. 30, and that “Absent an appropriation, Department of Justice attorneys and employees are prohibited from working, even on a voluntary basis, except in very limited circumstances, including ‘emergencies involving the safety of human life or the protection of property.’” Well, this did not sit well with Issa, who filed a motion with the Court to make the DOJ keep working on this particular project, because… well, because Issa apparently doesn’t understand that when he votes to shut down the government, it means ALL the government, not just the parts he doesn’t like. Let’s see what a federal judge has to say.  Read more on Darrell Issa Gets Dressed Down By Federal Court Judge For Being Stupid, Arrogant Whiny-Baby…
  nothing left to lost

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Call For Class Warfare Edition

Shutdown, shutdown, shutdown. Stories about what we already know, but are nonetheless stupidly depressing, like the fact that planning for the shutdown was a long time a’comin: A defunding “tool kit” created in early September included talking points for the question, “What happens when you shut down the government and you are blamed for it?” The suggested answer was the one House Republicans give today: “We are simply calling to fund the entire government except for the Affordable Care Act/Obamacare.” Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Call For Class Warfare Edition…
  it's a continuing resolution charlie brown

Here Is How John Boehner Can Save Christmas

John Boehner is correct that this shutdown “isn’t some damn game.”  One difference is that it sucks, while games are fun. And it will suck again in mid-December, which is when Boehner wanted to not play this not a game again with another must-pass funding bill. Merry Christmas, jerks! Give us Obama’s right nut or Prancer’s burger meat. That’s not the reason for the season! But what if John Boehner’s heart grew a few sizes, not in a medically dangerous way, but whimsically, like in a children’s book by a patriotic socialist? Wouldn’t that be swell? Well, it could happen! Read more on Here Is How John Boehner Can Save Christmas…